Exposed: A Novel (9 page)

Chapter 19
Ally

After Jessie and I had no more words for each other we went to bed, and in the middle of the night I woke up to a ghastly snore resonating from his mouth. I peered over his body and squinted my eyes. Only one in the morning.

Rolling to my side, I tugged the covers up to my chin and sniffed. Something touched my shoulder.

“You okay?” Jessie.

I picked up his hand and placed it on his chest.

So tired of marriage, so tired of the way I felt when I looked at him. Part of me longed for the past, the other part of me longed for a future without him. Yet, in some cleft of my heart I wanted to be with him.

But I felt so inadequate. Always comparing myself to her—the woman on his computer screen, the woman I saw jogging. I couldn’t even undress around him without thinking of every flaw on my body. I locked the door when I showered to make sure he wouldn’t catch a glimpse of me. My security and confidence vanished the day I discovered his secret and I hated the way it made me go crazy.

He touched my shoulder again.

Only a few weeks ago I would’ve been nuzzled into his chest, wetting his shirt as I told him the truth about Dad. Funny, the man I thought to be unfaithful turned out to be faithful, and the man I imagined would never betray me broke me to pieces.

Life can be so different when you’re not living in lies.

Jessie snored again. I wished I had his ability to fall asleep within two seconds.

I should’ve caught his lies. Being a counselor, I should’ve seen it coming. I tugged the covers, hoping to wake him. He stopped snoring and rolled toward me.

“Hey,” he whispered.

I twisted my wedding ring. Bono’s face flashed in my mind. Jessie’s glistening eyes watched me as I strained my heart and looked at him. The lyrics of
With or Without You
rang in my head.

“What are you thinking?” Jessie said.

A laugh almost escaped my lips, but instead came out as a huff. “Nothing,” I said. “Just song lyrics in my head.”

“Which one?”

“With or Without You.”

Jessie turned over on his back. I listened to the sound of his breath, wondering if I’d ever want to make love again.

“So,” he said. “You can’t live without me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ally, I love you. I might have issues sometimes, but I still love you, always have.”

“What about faithfulness?”

“I messed up.”

I closed my eyes. Raindrops tapped the window, dampening the mood and arousing the silence. Jessie rolled over. Sadness rose from his breath. My eyes glazed over. Memories flashed in my mind like fireflies.

I looked at the ceiling again. Jessie’s breathing heavied. I closed my stinging eyes and hoped for rest, unhindered rest. No nightmares, no endless thoughts tiring my heart and wrestling my mind until dawn, no dreams of what ifs, no more bitter droplets on my pillow. Rest, just rest.

Too awake to sleep, too tired to move, I stared at the ceiling and listened to Jessie’s rhythmic snore, wondering if he dreamt about some other woman as I watched shadows dance across the walls. So juvenile, Ally, I told myself. But I still wondered.

His snoring matched the tempo of the rain.

And I wondered.

The eight-letter word burned my heart as I rolled over to an empty bed the next morning. Marriage. I told myself all kinds of things, like, “If I would’ve known this before he put that ring on my finger I would had never said yes.” And then I thought of Sean again.

I shouldn’t have gotten married so fast, I thought.

Sean and I knew each other inside and out. Best friends for seven years. He wouldn’t have treated me this way. He would’ve protected me. He would’ve been faithful his entire life. I should’ve listened to him when he told me Jessie was a hoax. But alas, I followed a whirlwind of emotions, never consulting my mind.

I got out of bed and heard something downstairs. It sounded like Jessie was still home, but I thought he had a meeting. I stopped and listened.

Click, click.

My stomach sank to my knees, but I kept walking down the stairs. When I reached the middle of the steps Jessie clicked a screen away, turned to me, and stumbled over words. My face, I’m sure, said it all. I turned and ran upstairs and into our bedroom.

He didn’t follow.

And that made my anger rise to heights I never imagined.

I locked the door, raided everything in the closet and shoved clumps of clothes into a duffel bag. When I reached for my shoes I heard the garage door open. I flew to the window and sure enough, Jessie’s car backed down the driveway and onto the street.

Broken, I couldn’t move, not even an inch. Forget the clothes, forget running away, he already did it for me. I dropped to my knees.

An hour swept by and my tears never dried up. Jessie never came home. And I couldn’t have been more confused. Alone, I wept, longing for Sean to rescue me and help me live happily every after. Longing for anything, anything but my stifling wedding vows.

The phone rang.

Chapter 20
Taylor

Dreams of Daddy vanished when I opened my eyes and saw Andy hovering over my bed.

“You look so beautiful when you sleep,” he said. “Like an angel.”

I almost asked how he got into my apartment, but then I remembered he had a spare key since I moved in. Just in case, he’d always say. I guess this was a
just in case
kind of moment.

“I want to take you out to breakfast.” He stroked my hair.

“What for?”

“Does a guy need a reason to take his girlfriend out to breakfast?”

“Girlfriend?”

“Isn’t that what you are?”

“Well, I figured, but you never said it in such an official way before.”

“Well, girlfriend, get ready to go out for breakfast. I’ll wait in the living room.”

In such good spirits today, huh? I thought. I kinda liked the way it sounded. Girlfriend. No one ever called me that in my life. The same secure feeling you get when strapping on a seat belt, that’s kinda the way I felt when he called me his girlfriend. Secure, no matter how bumpy the ride.

I took a shower, painted, curled, primped, and hair sprayed myself super fast, then met Andy in the living room of my apartment.

He held out his hand.

I took it.

I started to walk to the front door, but he stopped and pulled me toward him. After a long kiss, he cradled my head in his hands, like Daddy.

“You are mine,” he said with gentle creases around his eyes, then pulled a tiny scarlet box from his pocket. “This is for you.” He held out the box. I feared the contents. I wasn’t ready for marriage, not yet, not now. He extended his arm so the box almost touched my stomach. “Open it.”

Trying to smile, I opened the box and an enormous pink stone winked at me.

“I just wanted to show you how much I care.” He pulled the ring from its temporary home and placed it on my right hand ring finger.

Amazed at its sparkling beauty and relieved that it wasn’t on my left hand, I laughed. “Thanks, Andy. It’s so pretty.”

His chin raised a few inches, making him appear taller. I slipped my hand into his and we walked into the stairwell.

The second we opened the door to leave the apartment complex, his hand left mine. As usual. He never held my hand in public, never acted like he loved me in public. I thought the girlfriend thing would change that, or maybe the ring on my finger, but no. He turned into businessman and turned off the romance.

I’m not good enough to be seen with, not pretty enough, I kept telling myself. Maybe if I got breast implants, maybe then he’d love me in public.

He turned up the music, wound the windows down, and drove me to Bob Evans while I told myself I’d do it. I’d do anything to be perfect, to be beautiful and “complete” as Andy said so many times before.

Finally, I decided to get breast implants.

For the sake of completion.

Chapter 21
Ally

I let the phone ring a few times, so Jessie wouldn’t think I wanted to talk to him. Meanwhile I sniffed my crying away and dried my eyes.

On the fifth ring I answered the phone.

“May I speak with Allyson, please?” the voice said.

I paused, nearly wilting to the floor again. Jessie didn’t call.

“Hello?” The stranger’s voice said again.

“If you’re trying to sell something, I’m not interested.”

“Wait, wait, I’m not trying to sell something.” He paused. “Ally, this is D—” His voice broke and trailed off. “This is Edward Kay, your, your—”

Edward Kay? The name spun through my head a few times before it finally sunk in. “I know who you are.”

“Can I meet with you for lunch?”

I didn’t know how to talk to him, what to say, what he knew. “Sure. Where? When?”

“Are you free tomorrow?”

“Well, tomorrow is Sunday and I have a bunch of things to do at church, but maybe Monday?”

“That sounds good.”

On second thought, I didn’t really want to go to church or lead a bible study. “Actually, I may be able to do tomorrow.”

“No, no. You go on to church. I’ll see you Monday around sunset or so. We’ll meet after dinner instead. How about we meet at the park?”

“Which one?”

“You’ll know.” I thought I heard him sniffle.

We hung up and I remembered the little park in Baltimore. Double Rock Park. I remembered splashing in the creek, catching minnows and crayfish, hopping rocks and eating ice cream at the picnic tables. Dad took me there every Saturday for our “Daddy, daughter date.”

I smiled.

What would I say to him after all these years of hating him?

I couldn’t imagine Monday, but I really, really wanted it to come.

I finally set the phone down, wondering if I’d call him Dad. What an awkward situation.

I sat on the bed, tired from the emotional concoction the day stewed, and heard the garage door open.

Just when I felt okay about Jessie being gone, he came back.

Chapter 22
Taylor

Andy looked at me over scrambled eggs, toast, sausage, bacon, and orange juice.

“If you think it’s good for me,” I said. “I’d like to get the implants now.”

“Good for you?” He laughed. “It’ll make you a ten. Well,” he picked a sausage link up with his index finger and thumb, took a bite, and continued, “there is one other thing.”

My heart picked up a few paces or skipped a few beats, I couldn’t tell.

“You should probably have your teeth whitened, get some hair extensions to about here”—he motioned to his elbow—“and I was thinking we could get you some Pilate videos to tone up your stomach muscles.”

Um, so much for one other thing.

“But we’ll do all that after the breast implants, that’s the most important.” He took another bite of sausage.

He tossed around those words like nothing while he chomped on a greasy link of cooked pig.

I raised my fork to take a bite of my eggs, but Andy gently pushed my hand down.

“It’s time you start eating better. I don’t want to see you get fat on me.” He laughed, shoving another forkful of fat in his mouth.

I placed my fork on top of my plate and folded my hands in my lap. As I leaned back in my chair I watched Andy. Forkful after forkful, he ate. Forkful after forkful, I watched. And all I could think about was Daddy.

I didn’t believe in prayers. And I didn’t believe people went somewhere when they died. I figured they closed their eyes and said goodbye forever. Nothing next. No reincarnation. No heaven. No hell. Just darkness.

But I talked to Daddy that day, making myself believe that somehow, somewhere he heard me.

As Andy signed the check I ended my conversation with Daddy.

“If you could, Daddy,” I said in my head. “Please, please rescue me. I don’t know how to get out. One minute I love it, the next I hate everything about my life and all that I’ve become.”

Andy smiled and nodded for me to get up and follow him to the car. I knew what was next. I knew why he didn’t want me to eat. He wanted me to be ready for my next great film. My next great chance to become a star. Except it’d been weeks and no sign of stardom had shown up yet.

Oh, well.

I stood and followed Andy.

Time to pretend again.