Exposed: A Novel (7 page)

Chapter 12
Taylor

I went to the library to learn about Chlamydia. That’s when I realized it could cause infertility. I sighed, relieved. One less thing to worry about.

I left the library, bought a hot dog drenched in nacho cheese from 7-eleven, and sat in my car, picking apart the hot dog and barely eating it. Chlamydia didn’t seem so glamorous, so worth the money. But maybe I wouldn’t get it again.

Disgusted, I tossed the hot dog in the plastic 7-eleven bag and looked at the radio. I remembered the day I left Walgreens, belting my happy heart out to Aerosmith. Now, my radio hadn’t been turned on for weeks. My heart wanted nothing to do with music. It reminded me of Daddy, of my lonely high school years and my insatiable desire to be someone. To leave a mark in the world.

I drove away from 7-eleven, thinking about my mark. Porn. Blood. Chlamydia. Cola. Money. Yeah, some mark.

This life seemed so light, so easy, so undeniably easy.

“What can you give me?” I said to the chill in my car, hoping Sadie would answer.

She did. Her words floated on the coolness in my car, landing on my heart and soothing my worries. Her icy presence had a way of reassuring me, of making me follow her toward another life, a life she promised to be better. “You will be someone,” she said. “You just have to get through the hard parts first. This life can be great. You will be sexy, wanted, and rich.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll ride this rollercoaster to the end.”

There had to be something better at the end. I mean, that’s what rollercoaster’s do. They go up and down, thrill you, terrify you, wrap your hair around your face so you can barely see, and then they end. And you feel better for having chosen to ride. You realize if you had left the park without riding, you would’ve regretted it.

They teach you that you can handle so much more than you think, and at the end, it’s worth it.

Chapter 13
Ally

I walked into Mom’s house. Burnt bacon filled my nose. Must’ve learned that from her, I thought. Always rushing around, never doing anything with one hundred percent of me. Maybe that’s how I treated my marriage. I walked through the living room and into the kitchen. No one. I walked halfway down the basement steps. “Mom?”

The Price is Right
played around the corner.

Mom walked to the bottom of the steps with a basket of clothes on her hip and an old burp cloth turned rag on her shoulder. She smiled. “How was your date with Jessie?”

“Good.” I lied. Again. “Rushed breakfast?”

She laughed and winked. “Can you tell?”

Mom walked upstairs behind me. Pictures scaled the wall next to the stairs, filled with so much joy it hurt. Even after all Dad did to Mom—to me—I couldn’t help but wish he would’ve stayed. Maybe he left to be with another woman.

I stopped and looked at a photograph so alive it could almost breathe. My wedding day. Smiles painted brighter than film could capture. I ran my fingertips along the frame. Blinded. I was so blinded back then.

“You okay?” Mom said.

I nodded and walked upstairs.

“Something on your mind?” she said as I followed her into the kitchen. “Hey, how about some crab cakes?”

I rested my elbows on the counter and sighed.

“You can talk to me, you know.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Speaking of which, there’s something I need to tell you.” She walked into the dining room and sat down. “Sit.”

I obeyed. “Mom, you don’t need to. I’m just tired that’s all. We don’t need to bring up the past again.”

She played with fake sunflowers in the centerpiece. “I think you—”

“Mom, I found porn on Jessie’s computer.” There. I got it out. And it felt good. Maybe she and I could relate for once. Maybe she could hold me and tell me how horrible the pain was for her, how she got over it—or didn’t she? I looked up at her face.

She brought her hands together and pressed them against her lips.

“I need to know something, Mom. Why didn’t you leave?”

“Remember when we were looking for a wedding dress and I wanted to tell you something?”

I nodded.

“I should have just told you then, before your wedding. It’s my biggest regret.” She paused. “When your father left it wasn’t his fault.”

“I saw the magazines. I know I was young, but I remember it so clear.”

“You might hate me after I say this, but I need to tell you the truth. If you don’t want to talk to me for a few—”

“What, Mom?”

“When you were little, I had an affair. Your dad never did anything wrong. I just fell for someone else.” She practically destroyed the artificial sunflower in her hand. “It was your step-dad. Eventually your dad found out and talked me into trying to work it out, for you. I tried, Ally, God knows I tried, but I just didn’t love your dad anymore. We weren’t right for each other. I wasn’t happy. I’m happy now. That’s what matters.”

I couldn’t breathe. Or think. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I looked back and forth. Mom’s voice faded into a buzzing sound. I imagined Dad on the front lawn, turning back to my little face in the window.

I needed to get away. Now.

“Ally,” Mom said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But what about the magazines?”

“Please sit.”

“I’m not sitting. Say what you need to say.”

“I brought home magazines for your father one day hoping it would make him want something else and leave, so I didn’t have to. He wouldn’t even touch the things. But when you were about three years old, I told him that the affair started before you were born and—”

“Don’t tell me.” I paced the room, blinking back tears. “He’s not my father. Tell me my step-dad is not my father.”

“He’s not. But I lied to your dad. I told him that you weren’t his daughter. He wanted to stay at first, but after awhile he said he couldn’t handle looking at you. So he left. And that’s what I wanted.” Tears tripped over her cracked lips. “I’m so sorry, Ally. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I had to tell you. I don’t want you thinking your dad was—”

I bolted out of the house, not willing to give her the pleasure of seeing my face again. Ever. Like a piece of trash tossed underneath moving vehicles, I wondered when I’d stop getting flung around, and finally, come to rest safely in the grass.

I didn’t know who I was, much less whose life I’d been living. So I sat in my car and begged God to take me back to the lies, back to the golden life where everything appeared perfect.

Chapter 14
Taylor

Another day passed, another day alone in my apartment. No Andy. But he called and checked on me a few times a day.

My cell phone rang for the third time today.

“You taking your meds?” Andy said. No hello.

“Yup.”

“Okay, you’re going to be back next week. I’ve got a few photo sessions I want to do with you.”

I sighed, grateful to be freed from a video shoot for once.

“I’m going to set up a Web site for you.”

“For me?”

“Yes, only you. I’m going to post pictures and videos on there. I have a feeling we’re going to make a lot of money off of it. People are responding to you like crazy.”

As much as I wanted to stop being Sadie, it felt sort of nice to know people were “responding” to me. People calling me pretty, wanting to see my pictures—I liked that. Maybe Angela and her friends would see them and be jealous. Maybe I’d end up on an MTV reality show, all glitzy and happy and famous.

“Did you hear me?” Andy said.

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You need to stop spacing and listen. I said now would be a good time to get breast implants.”

Breast implants? Uh, the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.

“I know you can afford it. I pay you more than enough.”

Except most of my money went to Cola or Jack. “Yeah. I don’t want breast implants though.”

“I didn’t ask what you wanted, sweetheart.”

A woman giggled in the background.

“Who’s that?” I said.

“Gianna. We just finished a shoot and she’s waiting for her driver.”

She giggled some more, like they were cheek to cheek or something.

“Okay, well I don’t really see the need for breast implants.”

“Trust me, there’s a need. I’ll get everything set up for you, all you have to do is show up.”

No sense in arguing. Maybe I’d look good anyway. Maybe he really did know what he was doing. After all, he only wanted the best for me. He wanted to make me famous and happy, filled to the brim with a life of glamour and fun and jealous ex-classmates.

Sounded good to me.

I hung up the phone with Andy and his giggly companion.

I placed the phone in my purse and decided on a spontaneous drive. I felt good today. Better than usual. And sort of hopeful about my future again. Up and down, on and off, it never ended. I couldn’t figure out what to feel or think most of the time, but today, today I felt like I could fly.

I left my apartment and opened my car door, humming R. Kelly’s song, picturing Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in my head, and feeling high on life again, without the help of Cola.

I drove around singing and sticking my head out the window. Windows down, sunroof opened, the hot July breeze tangled my hair. I thought about Ocean City, Maryland. The beach. The smell of salty shores and crabs covered in Old Bay seasoning. Smooth, warm sand under my toes. Without another thought, I drove south, heading toward the Chesapeake Bay Bridge that would take me to the sandy strip.

My cell phone rang.

Andy.

I hit End. My phone sang
Free Fallin’
as it turned off.

And I smiled.

Chapter 15
Ally

I walked into my house. Jessie’s muffled laugh traveled down the stairs. I needed him. Regardless of our issues, I needed him.

As I walked upstairs Jessie’s words sharpened. When I reached the top I leaned my head against the bedroom door. Another voice landed on my ears. “She can’t expect you not to look at stuff, man,” Tim said. “Just don’t tell her if it bothers her.”

I pressed my ear as close as I could to the crack in the door.

“Verity watches it with me,” Tim said. “She actually likes it. And I’m telling ya, sex has been better since she has.”

I couldn’t believe what I heard.

“Yeah,” Jessie said. “I don’t know. You know Ally has a past filled with that stuff.”

I opened the door.

Jessie’s arms fell to his sides. He looked at the phone on the bed then back to me.

“Hi, Tim,” I said, eyes stabbing Jessie. “Ally here.” I picked up the phone. “Just so you know, Verity isn’t crazy about that stuff. She only does it because you don’t love her enough to stop.”

Click.
I tossed the phone back on the bed.

Jessie inhaled and crossed his arms.

I shook my head. “What?”

He unfolded his arms and threw his hands in the air. “You take this stuff too seriously.”

“Right. You make it sound like I’m crazy and if it weren’t for me and my craziness you’d watch that stuff every night.”

He looked down.

“Look at me.”

Clenched jaw, he looked at me.

“Have you looked at anything since the day I found out?”

“No.” He sat on the bed.

“Not online, not in person, not in magazines?”

“I don’t think it’s wise for me to tell you every detail.”

“Wise or not, I deserve to know.”

He fell back onto the bed. “Not online and not in magazines. In person, yes.”

“What do you mean?”

“I drove passed a billboard today on my way to OfficeMax. Does this really make you feel better?”

“Nothing can, but I need to know the truth. Did you think about her?”

“Yes.”

My lungs hurt, like they didn’t have enough room in my chest to breathe. “What did you think?”

“I just wondered what it would be like, Ally. Don’t ask details. Listen, you need to realize that every man deals with this at some point. At least I want to get rid of it. At least I’m not like Tim.”

“Don’t even play that card. You are like Tim. To me you are no different. Fantasizing about some woman on a billboard is no different than watching those vi—” I shook my head, unable to finish my sentence.

Jessie sat up.

I looked at him, waiting, hoping for the bad dream to be over, over for good. “I have another fertility appointment Monday before work, and you know what I’m thinking?”

He shook his head.

“I’m hoping I’ll never be able to get pregnant.” I looked at the door and back to Jess. “I just can’t imagine.”

He flopped back onto the bed.

So much for wanting him to comfort me. So much for wanting to tell him about Dad and ask him what I should do.

I couldn’t trust him with even the smallest part of me, much less my heart.

I walked out of the bedroom and to the hallway, feeling so unloved, deceived, ripped apart in the most scandalous ways.

Why me, Lord, why me?

I’m sure God didn’t hear me anyway. And if He did, He ignored me for all the times I ignored Him.

Jessie walked into the hallway. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”