Exploits (19 page)

I walked over to the restaurant, all bleary-eyed, had my usual modest breakfast with a little more coffee than usual, and an hour later Reginald McCorkle and me were sifting through another five tons of elephant shit, looking for the elusive contraband that the Scorpion Lady was smuggling out of the country. Once again we didn't find it.

Well, this went on for the better part of two weeks, us examining tons of elephant shit every day, and me falling asleep on the Scorpion Lady's bed every night before we could get around to consummating our romance, and just about the time I was ready to call it quits and give up on the reward and just spend the next few years enjoying a little pre-connubial bliss, she told me that I was all through going to Acme Fertilizer Company and would now be making my pick-ups at the Prime Fish Hatcheries.

“Excellent news!” said Reginald while I was eating my breakfast. “Now we're getting somewhere! I had thought that the first day was a test, but obviously she is a very careful woman. She sent you there fourteen days in a row before she knew she could trust you, and now we're finally going to pick up her contraband goods.”

The truck was waiting for me in the alley, all cleaned and polished and looking like new, as usual, and I drove it over to the Prime Fish Hatcheries, where they loaded it up, and half an hour later me and Reginald were in his warehouse, looking at maybe twenty thousand dead fish.

“Damn, but she's a clever one!” he muttered.

“She is?”

“Obviously she's put the goods inside one or more of the fish, but only her contact can tell which ones. We'll just have to cut them open one by one until we come to whatever it is we're looking for.”

Well, we spent ten hours looking through fish guts for diamonds or microfilms or opium, and mostly what we found were fish guts. I smelled worse than ever when I left the truck at her freight office and trudged back to the hotel, and it took longer than usual to wash all the odors away, and as a result I didn't have no time for dinner before I showed up at the Black Scorpion, and I was so tired and weak from hunger that this time I didn't even climb the stairs and fall asleep in her bed, but instead I sat down at the bar to catch my breath and the next thing I knew the sun was shining in and the Scorpion Lady was shaking me awake, and then I gobbled some breakfast and me and Reginald spent another day cutting fish open with no hint of success.

Two weeks later the Scorpion Lady told me to skip the Hatchery and go back to the Acme Fertilizer Company, and Reginald attacked the elephant shit with the same enthusiasm he had attacked it a month earlier. As for me, I was discovering that the life of a millionaire businessman wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and I made up my mind that the next morning at breakfast I was calling it quits and spending the next few years romancing the true love of my life.

That night I was so tired that I didn't even make it out of my hotel. I fell asleep in the tub, woke up when the water got cold, and barely made it to my bed before I fell asleep again. I got up at about five thirty in the morning and hopped a cab over to the Black Scorpion. It was locked, and I figured the Scorpion Lady must have had a pretty hard night too, because no matter how much I banged on the door nobody came down the stairs to let me in.

Finally I decided to go across the street and grab some breakfast and give Reginald my notice, but when I got there I couldn't spot him, so I just sat down and had the waiter bring me the usual.

I was just polishing off the last of my steak and eggs when a well-dressed Englishman walked over and sat down across from me.

“Are you Lucifer Jones?” he asked.

“The Right Reverend Doctor Lucifer Jones,” I corrected him. “And who are you?”

“My name is Winston Spiggot,” he said. “I work for the British High Commission.”

“Did Reginald McCorkle send you?” I asked.

“Reginald McCorkle is in no position to send anyone anywhere,” he replied. “In fact, even as we speak he is being sent home in black disgrace.”

“You don't say,” I said. “What all did he do?”

“He bungled his assignment, and let the Scorpion Lady escape.”

“Escape?” I said. “What are you talking about?”

“She fled the country during the night, when she got word that I had replaced McCorkle. I missed her by no more than an hour.”

“I don't suppose she left no forwarding address?” I said, trying to soothe my broken heart.

“Don't be foolish, Doctor Jones,” he said. “A number of people at the High Commission wanted me to take you into custody, but as I see it you were simply an unwitting dupe.” He paused. “Nonetheless, you have caused us a great deal of trouble, and I think it might be best for all concerned were you also to leave Siam.”

“Well, with the love of my life on the lam, I can't see no compelling reason to stay here,” I said. “But I think you guys have got her figured all wrong. Me and Reginald went over every truckload of fertilizer and dead fish with a fine tooth comb, and I guarantee she wasn't smuggling nothing out of the country.”

“Certainly she was,” said Winston Spiggot. “I wouldn't expect you to have figured it out, but McCorkle was a professional. He should have known.”

“What was it?” I asked. “Something in the fish or something in the elephant shit?”

“Neither.”

“You mean it was the fish and the fertilizer themselves?”

“Idiot!” he said. “You helped her smuggle twenty-nine brand-new armored trucks to Doctor Aristotle Ho's army!”

It was with a heavy heart that I took a boat down the Chao Phraya River to the ocean that afternoon and hopped the next ship north for Japan, where I planned to forget the duplicitous love of my life in the arms of as many Geisha girls as my anguished soul and bankroll could mutually accommodate at one time.

10. The Other Master Detective

It took the ship the better part of five days to reach Japan, by which time I was more than happy to take my leave of it, especially since the cabin girl with whom I whiled away a couple of pleasant afternoons happened to have a brother on the crew who took an instant dislike to me for no discernable reason, and spent half of the last evening hunting for me with a Samurai sword while I huddled in a lifeboat and counted off the last few hours until we hit shore.

Tokyo was one of the more crowded cities I ever saw. I've been mulling on it all these years now, and I think the reason is that they've got too many people crowding into too few streets, and if I ever go back I plan to tell the Emperor, or whoever's in charge these days, that it'd be a good idea to move some of ’em out to the suburbs.

Still, I was young and adventurous back then, and it didn't bother me none, because the more people there were, the more likely I was to find some who didn't mind sharing their money with an upstanding man of the cloth who was all ready to settle down and build his tabernacle and get to work on his life's calling.

There wasn't a lot of white folks in Japan in those days, and them that found themselves there split their loyalties between the Imperial Hotel and the Nikkatsu Hotel, and since the Nikkatsu was closer to the Ginza and had the biggest gaming room in town, I made a beeline toward it.

“Have you any luggage, Mr. Jones?” asked the desk clerk after I'd signed in.

“That's
Reverend
Jones, and no, I ain't got naught but the clothes on my back, me being a servant of God and all,” I said.

“Then I am afraid I must ask if you can afford to pay for your room,” he said.

I flashed him my six hundred dollars, which I hadn't touched since the kick-boxing matches in Siam, and he looked much relieved.

“Excellent, Reverend Jones,” he said. “Will you be wanting a room with or without?”

“With or without what?” I asked.

“With or without a Geisha.”

“With, I think,” I said. “They tend to brighten up a room, don't you agree?”

He marked something down on my form. “Do you want a single or a double?”

“I didn't know Geishas came in different sizes,” I replied. “I'll have to spend a moment or two considering it.”

“I meant a single or a double room, Reverend Jones,” said the desk clerk.

A single room sounded like I'd expend less energy chasing her around it, so that was what I asked for.

“Fine,” he said. “A bellboy will be by to show you to your room in just a moment. And if you would like anything at all, just ask.”

“Well, you might recommend a good restaurant,” I said.

“I'd be happy to,” he answered. “The Momonjiya, just across the street, specializes in monkey brains. If you find that too exotic for your taste, then go to the Taiko down the block.”

“The Taiko, huh? What do
they
serve?”

“The sexual organs of oxen, highly spiced.”

“Don't anyone around here cook no hamburgers?” I demanded.

He looked shocked. “Please, not so loud, Reverend Jones. We don't wish to offend the clientele.”

Well, I'd kind of lost my appetite during the conversation anyway, so I followed the bellhop to the staircase and up two flights to the third floor, where we walked down to the end of the hall, and he unlocked my door and kind of stood there jingling his change in his pocket, but since I hadn't had any luggage for him to tote I just laid my hand on his head and blessed him, and he walked off muttering to himself in Japanese.

I entered my room and took a look around. The bed wasn't much—it was a pile of silks on a wood board—but it beat the hell out of the furniture, which was more to look at than sit on. There was a knock at the door, and I figured it was the bellhop back to argue about the tip, but when I opened it the cutest little Geisha girl I ever set eyes on entered the room and minced over to the window.

“You have a beautiful view here,” she said in a voice that was a lot deeper than anyone looking at her would have expected.

“Well, now that you're here, I got
two
beautiful views,” I said. “What's your name, Honey?”

“Miyoshi,” she said, turning around and facing me.

“Well, that's a right pretty name,” I said. “And you can call me Lucifer.”

“Would you perhaps like a massage before your bath?” said Miyoshi.

I walked over to her. “How's about we indulge in a little mutual massaging?” I said.

I think I reached out to her to demonstrate what I meant, but things happened awfully fast then and it's kind of hard to remember. All I know is that about two seconds later I was flying through the air, and I landed on my back with a thud, and Miyoshi was kneeling on top of me with her fists doubled up and growling kind of deep in her throat.

“I guess I got to work on my timing, huh?” I muttered.

“I'm sorry,” said Miyoshi, and now her voice was yet another octave lower and most of her accent was gone. “It was a reflex action.”

“You got the healthiest reflexes I ever encountered, Miyoshi,” I said. “Now how's about hopping off my chest? I'm having trouble breathing.”

“My name isn't Miyoshi,” said the Geisha, standing up and removing her wig, and I saw now that she was a man. “I am sorry for the deception, but it was necessary.”

“You're a Geisha
boy
?” I said, getting painfully to my feet. “I didn't know they came in both flavors.”

He shook his head. “I am Toshiro Mako of Interpol,” he said. “Perhaps you have heard of me?”

“I'm afraid not,” I said. “The only Oriental detective I know is Inspector Willie Wong of the Hong Kong Police.”

“That bumbling incompetent, with his stupid platitudes and his legion of apelike children!” said Mr. Mako contemptuously.

“You ain't on real good terms with him, I take it?”

“
I
am a master of disguise,” said Mr. Mako. “I speak seventeen languages, possess a black belt in karate, and hold the Chair of Antiquities at Pacific University in my spare time, but do
I
ever get any publicity? No, it's always that Hong Kong clown with his pidgin English and his idiot parables! He always gets the best cases!” Suddenly his eyes flashed with triumph. “But
this
time will be different! This time I, Mr. Mako, will make headlines the world over!”

“For impersonating a Geisha girl?” I said. “Them ain't exactly the kind of headlines designed to endear you to the public, Mr. Mako.”

He shook his head. “This is just a disguise, Doctor Jones,” he explained. “My quarry has a room down the hall, and I am keeping him under surveillance, just waiting for the opportune moment to strike.”

“Who are you after?” I asked him.

“Have you ever heard of Doctor Aristotle Ho, the Insidious Oriental Dentist?” he said.

“The name ain't totally unfamiliar to me,” I said. “Is
he
staying here at the Nikkatsu?”

Mr. Mako nodded his head. “Yes. He's got some criminal coup in mind. I haven't been able to determine what it is, but I plan to dog his steps night and day, and when he makes his move, I shall make mine.”

“He's already wanted all over Asia,” I said. “Why don't you just arrest him now and cart him off to the calaboose?”

“I want his entire organization,” said Mr. Mako as a kind of fanatical glow spread across his face. “
Then
let them talk about Willie Wong!”

“Well, I wish you all the luck in the world, Mr. Mako,” I said. “But I think I'm gonna move over to the Imperial Hotel just to get out of the line of fire, so to speak.” I reached out a hand. “It's been nice meeting you.”

“I'm afraid I can't permit that, Doctor Jones,” he said. “Any sudden unexplained activity could draw Doctor Ho's attention.”

“I'll explain it at the desk,” I said. “I'll just say that I was looking for something in the way of a blonde Geisha girl.”

He shook his head. “I can't run the risk of alerting him. You will have to stay here.” He paused. “In fact, I may have to impress you into service.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I can't keep watching him every moment of the night and day,” said Mr. Mako. “Even I have to sleep and eat and answer calls of Nature. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I see that I need your help.”

“I don't know about this...” I said reluctantly.