Exploits (12 page)

He just kind of chuckled at that. “You must be tired and hungry after your journey. I will have your rooms prepared while you are eating.”

“Well, that's right neighborly of you, Brother Tard,” I said.

“It is my job to serve you,” he answered. “If there is anything you want, anything at all, you have but to tell me, and it shall be arranged.”

“You act like this to all your guests?” I asked.

“You are our first visitor in almost two hundred years,” he replied.

“Probably just as well,” I said, admiring the sight of some young ladies walking through the fields with water pitchers on their heads. “If the travel agents ever find out about this place, they'll ruin it. Still,” I added, “I don't know how you could have been expecting me. This little stopover wasn't exactly on my itinerary.”

“Nonetheless, we have been expecting you, Doctor Jones.” He paused. “Doesn't it strike you as unusual that everyone has knelt down the instant they have seen you?”

“Truth to tell, I been mulling on it, Brother Tard,” I admitted. “I finally figured that they'd just never seen such a good-looking white man before, and didn't know quite what else to do about it.”

He shook his head. “This is their traditional way of greeting the High Lama.”

“He looks a lot like me, does he?” I asked.

“He has been dead for one hundred and thirty-four years,” answered Tard. “But according to our legends, the day would come when a pale man from a distant land would cross over the bridge to Shali-Mar, and he would become the High Lama.” He turned to me. “And now the legend has come true.”

“Well, now, that's right interesting, Brother Tard,” I said. “What does the job pay?”

“I don't think you understand, Doctor Jones,” said Tard. “The High Lama is the absolute ruler of Shali-Mar. He is our physical master, and our conduit to God.”

“The absolute ruler, you say?”

“That is correct.”

I looked at a couple of nubile young maidens who were coming out of the temple and winked at one of ’em, who blushed and got down on her knees right quick. “The High Lama is your conduit to God?”

“That's right.”

“And anything the High Lama says, goes?”

“Of course.”

“Well, Brother Tard,” I said, shooting him a great big smile, “your prayers have been answered. Talking to God is one of the best things I do, me being a man of the cloth and all.” I pulled a cigar out of my pocket and lit it up while surveying my kingdom. “Why don't you join me for lunch and explain some of the intricacies of the job?”

“I am merely your chief administrator,” said Tard. “It would be better for the High Priestess to discuss the more esoteric details of your position with you.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “I've always had a soft spot in my heart for High Priestesses.”

We entered the temple, and I found myself face-to-face with a big golden statue of a lion which had rubies the size of golf balls for eyes and a bunch of diamonds for teeth. As I looked around, I saw a bunch of other little gem-covered trinkets that put General Chang's collection of jade knick-knacks to shame.

“Doctor Jones?” said Tard, after I'd spent a proper amount of time appreciating them. “Please follow me.”

He led me through a batch of rooms, each bigger and finer than the last, and finally we came to one that had a huge table in the middle of it. At the center of the table was an ornate silver bowl filled with fruit.

“Please make yourself comfortable,” said Tard. “I will go fetch the High Priestess.” He walked to a doorway and turned to me. “She will be so happy to know that you have finally arrived, Doctor Jones. She has been waiting seventy years to instruct you.”

“She's seventy years old?” I asked.

“No, she's much closer to one hundred and ten,” answered Tard. “But she's only been the High Priestess for seventy.”

Well, as you can imagine, this kind of dampened my enthusiasm, but I didn't see no way out of meeting with her, so I just pulled an apple out of the bowl and started munching on it, and about the time I was done I looked up and there in the doorway was this voluptuous young lady with long black hair and big brown eyes, all done up in a white silk outfit that didn't hide anywhere near as much as she seemed to think it did.

“Good afternoon, Doctor Jones,” she said in the sweetest voice I ever did hear.

“It's getting better by the minute,” I agreed. “What's your name?”

“Lisara,” she said, giving me a great big toothy smile.

“Well, Lisara, honey,” I said, “I got to meet with some wrinkled old High Priestess in the next couple of minutes, but once I get rid of her, what do you say to coming up to my room for an intimate little dinner for two?”

“I
am
the High Priestess, Doctor Jones,” she said.

“I guess the thought of meeting with the High Lama was too much for the last one, huh?” I said. “Send my regrets to her family, and remind me to bring a wreath to the funeral.”

“I have been the High Priestess for seventy years,” she said.

“Come on,” I said. “You can't be much more than nineteen or twenty years old.”

“I am one hundred and eleven.”

“You're kidding, right?”

“No, I truly am one hundred and eleven years old.”

“Then how come you look like you do?” I asked.

“I avoid all fats and starches,” she said, “and I jog five miles every morning.”

“And that's all there is to it?”

“Well, that's why I look
fit
,” she explained. “As for why I look
young
, it is because I live in Shali-Mar. This is the Land of Eternal Youth: no one ever ages here.”

“Come to think of it, I didn't see no old codgers on the path up to the temple,” I said.

“There aren't any,” said Lisara. “The oldest of us all is Tard; he was alive when the last High Lama died.” She paused. “It is something in the air, I think.”

“Then why do you keep this place such a secret?” I asked. “You could put Miami Beach and the Riviera out of business.”

“We have everything we need,” she replied. “We have no desire to be overrun by outsiders.”

“You could at least send a team to the Senior Olympics and clean up making side bets on ’em.”

She shook her head sadly. “Once a citizen of Shali-Mar leaves, the aging process accelerates. Before he passes beyond the mountains that surround us, he is a gnarled and withered travesty of a human being.”

“Yeah, I can see where that might present a problem or two,” I said. “Especially in the sprints and high hurdles.”

“But we have no wish to leave,” she continued. “Our life here has been idyllic, and now that we once again have a High Lama, it will be perfect.”

“Well, now that you brought the subject up,” I said, “just what does the High Lama do?”

“You are our spiritual leader,” she explained. “It is your job to probe the eternal verities.”

“I can think of a lot of ’em that need probing,” I agreed, getting into the spirit of it. “Like why do elevators all arrive at the same time? Or why does it always rain right after you wax your car? Why does traffic always move faster in the other lane?”

“Those are not precisely the ones I had in mind,” she said.

“Why don't you come up to my room tonight?” I said, “We can discuss what you got in mind, plus a couple of things I got in mind.”

“Oh, I couldn't do that, Doctor Jones,” she said.

“Well, if it's a problem, I could come to your room,” I said agreeably.

She shook her head. “The High Lama must avoid even the appearance of impropriety.”

“What's the point of being the High Lama in the first place if I can't pay a social call on a lovely young lady when I'm of a mind to?” I asked.

“It simply isn't done,” she said. “You are our spiritual leader.”

“No reason why I can't do both,” I said. “I always set aside Sunday mornings for saving souls.”

“You do not understand, Doctor Jones,” she said. “The High Priestess must forsake all earthly pleasures.”

“That's kind of a rigid job qualification, ain't it?” I said.

“No one ever said that being the High Priestess was easy,” she answered.

I made up my mind then and there to issue an executive order, or whatever it was High Lamas did, to the effect that it was okay for the High Priestess to indulge in a little hanky-panky from time to time, and was about to mention it to her when a couple of Lesser Priestesses arrived with lunch, and since I hadn't seen no cooked food for almost a month I sat right down and started eating away.

Tard came in just when I was finishing up dessert, and told Lisara that he had to prepare me for the inauguration or coronation or whatever gets done to them what is elected High Lama, and that she could continue talking to me at dinnertime. She bowed and left the room, and Tard sat himself down next to me.

“You will officially become our High Lama in a ceremony this afternoon,” he said. “I think it would be best if you shaved and bathed before it begins. I'll have a couple of servants prepare your bath.”

Well, you can imagine my disappointment when I found out that the servants were of the masculine persuasion, so I scrubbed right quick, shaved off three weeks’ growth, and got into this white robe they'd laid out for me. I'd barely had time to light up a cigar when Tard came by and ushered me down to a huge open courtyard in the middle of the temple. It seemed like the whole town was there to greet me, all of ’em young and beautiful except for them what was young and handsome, and pretty soon Lisara showed up, looking better than ever, and started talking at me in some unfamiliar language, and then she and everyone else seemed to be waiting for an answer, so finally I said “I sure do!” and she put this gold amulet around my neck and then everyone knelt down again and suddenly I was the High Lama. I figured at least we'd have a few drinks to celebrate, and maybe do a little serious dancing, and I was already preparing a speech about how I was gonna clean up all the mistakes of the previous administration and lower taxes and put a chicken in every pot, when they all kind of wandered off back to their houses, and I was left alone with Tard and Lisara.

“That's it?” I said.

“It is accomplished,” said Tard.

“Ain't there even no Inauguration Ball?” I asked.

“It would be anticlimactic after your investiture,” said Tard.

“Are you trying to tell me that there little ceremony was the high point of the day?”

“For most of our people, it was the high point of their lives,” said Lisara.

“Well, I can see we're gonna have to make some changes around here,” I said.

“That might not be a wise idea,” said Tard.

“I'm the High Lama, ain't I?” I said.

“Yes.”

“As I understand it, that means that any idea I got is a quality idea.”

“But you are supposed to spend your life in serene contemplation,” said Tard.

“I been contemplating non-stop since I got here,” I said. “I spent half the afternoon contemplating what that gold lion would be worth on the open market, and I spent the rest of it contemplating how much rent I could save the government by having Lisara move in with me.”

“I don't think you understand your position, Doctor Jones,” he said. “You are the High Lama of Shali-Mar.”

“Right,” I said. “And that means what I say goes.”

“Within limitations,” said Tard.

“Nobody ever mentioned no limitations for me when I applied for the job.”

“Aren't you aware of the fact that you just took vows of poverty and celibacy in front of the entire community?” said Tard.

“I did
what
?”

“It's true, Doctor Jones,” said Lisara. “That's what you agreed to at the end of the ceremony.”

“I thought I was agreeing to be the High Lama!” I said.

“You were,” she said. “And the High Lama is penniless and celibate.”

I took off the amulet and handed it to Tard. “That being the case, I hereby resign from the High Lama business.”

“You can't,” he said.

“I just did.”

“I urge you to consider the consequences of your actions,” said Tard. “If you are not the High Lama, then you are just an intruder from the Outside World, and it is our obligation to kill you.”

“Why?” I demanded. “What have I ever done to you?”

“We must keep our location secret, or we will be overrun with adventurers who will steal our women and loot our treasures.”

“Let's calm down and be reasonable, Brother Tard,” I said. “I can see why you don't want no foreign devils messing with your women or your trinkets, but it seems to me that a naturalized devil who also happens to be the High Lama ought to have a little more leeway.”

“That's out of the question,” he said, and then held out the amulet in one hand and drew his sword with the other. “You can be the High Lama, or you can be put to death. The choice is yours.”

“Well,” I said, staring at his sword, “I can see now that I may have been a little hasty in my previous decision. I suppose there's worse things than being the High Lama.” First and foremost of which was the thought of getting cut up into fishbait.

Tard reached over and placed the amulet around my neck again. “You are young and hot-blooded and impetuous, as I once was,” he said, putting his sword back in its sheath. “Fortunately, it's a phase that only lasts for two or three centuries.”

“Well, that's a definite comfort, Brother Tard,” I said glumly. “I think I'll take a walk around the kingdom and mull over everything you've said.”

“Certainly, Doctor Jones,” answered Tard. “Dinner will be served at sunset.”

“Lisara, why don't you come with me to make sure I don't get lost?” I said.

“I am yours to command,” she said. I must have looked right approving of that, because she quickly added, “Within limitations.”

We started walking through the fields, and everywhere I went people kept kneeling down the second they saw me, and I tried to imagine a couple of centuries of seeing nothing but the tops of peoples’ heads.

“Try not to be disappointed, Doctor Jones,” said Lisara. “You will soon adjust to the contemplative life.”

Well, truth to tell, for the past five minutes the only contemplating I'd been doing was how to get out of Shali-Mar with maybe a few diamonds and rubies for my trouble, and perhaps a handful of Lesser Priestesses for warmth and companionship of a cold winter's night, but Lisara was going on so rhapsodically about the pleasures of the mind that I figured that this probably wasn't the most propitious time to share my thoughts with her.