Everything You Need (9 page)

Kalen rolled his eyes.

Kris’s gaze darted between them.

“My mother wants to introduce family lunches on Saturdays and because she knows I’m dead set against it, she’s bothering him,” Rose explained before she grabbed the remote control. “What was the last picture you saw?”

“She can be very persuasive,” Kalen said. “I wouldn’t mind obliging her, but if I did, Rose would skin me alive.”

“Yes, I would, because she’s such a hypocrite. When she thought that you were just a poor shop clerk, she wanted me to cut it off with you, but now that she knows who you are, she’s all over you. She might be persistent, but you are a strong-willed man.” Rose patted Kalen’s leg, then asked them again. “What was the last picture you saw?”

“The restaurant one.”

They continued to watch the pictures, with Rose adding little comments, while Kalen silently sat beside his girlfriend, his hand on her back, stroking it.

Kris liked those two, they were such a lovely couple, and Rose was one of her best friends. That was something The Delight had given her: Callie, Camden and Rose, people who had so willingly opened their little circle to her and offered her their friendship. She had tried to resist their warm welcome and keep them at distance as she did everybody else, but they had wormed their way into her life, with Rose at the head of them. She would never entrust them with the situation with her mother though -- except for mentioning something to Camden, who served as her replacement on Mondays. It wasn’t because she was afraid that they would betray her trust. They wouldn’t, but she might see a look of pity in their eyes and she never did well with pity. She couldn’t stand it, actually. It made her feel humiliated and like a victim. She was not a victim. She was the daughter of a woman who drank, and she had chronic money problems. That was why grandfather had left the apartment to her, not her mother. Yes, she had problems, but those problems didn’t make her a victim.

“Hey.” Rose nudged her. “You are not listening at all.”

Kris blinked. “I’m sorry. It’s seems I got lost in thought.”

“I told you that you should trim down your selection,” Kalen said to Rose.

“But... you don’t mind do you?” Rose turned to them.

“No.” They all shook their heads.

“See?” Rose faced Kalen.

“There’s too many of them,” Kalen insisted. “They might not mind, but we are not showing them all to Ash.”

“Ash?” Kris perked up, then hung her head, embarrassed. It was only a name, and not even a name, but a shortened version of it.

“Kalen’s friend. He’s really good-looking and quite a player, or so I hear,” Rose said.

“He’s much worse than a player,” Camden added.

“I see.” Kris nodded.

“You should hear some of the stories Kalen has told me. Once there was this girl who broke into their apartment --”

“I’m certain that Kris isn’t interested in my friend or the stories,” Kalen interrupted his fiancée.

“It’s gossip and everybody loves good gossip,” Rose complained.

Kalen shook his head.

“Whatever.” Rose rolled her eyes. She turned sideways and leaned back against Kalen. She fixed her gaze on Kris. “Camden told me that you found a second job.”

“It’s not exactly a job,” Kris said.

“He mentioned something about posing.” Rose’s eyelids lowered as her gaze bore into Kris. “You are not allowing some cretin to take advantage of you, are you?”

“No, I’m not.” It did sometimes feel as if she were taking advantage of Ashton and his generous offer, which after she had learned about the ex-girlfriend that resembled her, didn’t feel so generous after all. Yet, she had slept with him regardless. And she would have done it again.

Rose’s hand touched Kris’s forearm. “Is something wrong?”

“Why would you think that?” Kris furrowed her eyebrows.

“Because you look so sad right now.”

“I’m fine.” She just had to lower her expectations, not that she had any, where Ashton was concerned. Yet, the knowledge that he hadn’t asked her to be his model because he saw something special in her, but because she looked similar to somebody else, hurt. Knowing that had to be the reason behind his kisses and his desire to have sex with her hurt even more.

Chapter 10

“Here.” Vera, Ashton’s mother, passed the dish of peas.

Ashton pulled the peas closer and piled them onto his plate beside the mashed potatoes, before he pushed the dish toward Mary.

Mary gave him a smile then focused on the peas.

Without returning the smile, Ashton occupied himself with the food on his plate.

The dinner passed in a quiet and pleasant atmosphere, with his mother and Mary doing most of the talking; about the weather, the food and what Ashton had been doing. After dinner, when he and Mary were saying goodbye to his parents, his mother pulled him aside.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said.

“What are you talking about?”

She shook his head, smiling. “As if you could hide it from me.”

He arched his eyebrows.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? You don’t have that feel of melancholy anymore. You seem happier and more open. It must be because of her?” Glancing aside, she looked at Mary, who stood by the door, her and his father’s hushed voices drifting to them. “I know you said that she’s not your girlfriend,” his mother whispered. “But the way she looks at you, it’s so obvious.”

Frowning, Ashton looked at Mary.

Mary gave him a small wave and a smile.

“We’ve always liked her, your father and I, she’s such a nice girl. You two look good together.”

“We are not dating.”

“Yes, yes.” His mother patted his shoulder. “Are you coming home tonight?”

“Probably.”

“Oh.” His mother made a face. “I thought you would -- never mind.” She pushed him toward the door. “Have fun, kids.”

His father unlocked the door and opened it. “Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do.”

“Then we better stay at home,” Ashton joked before he said goodbye and left the apartment. He crossed the short hallway and went into the elevator.

Mary followed him inside. “Your parents are so great.”

“Yeah.” Ashton pressed the button for the ground floor. “Where should we go, The Egoist?” That was their usual spot and some of their drinking buddies were already there, behind the table in the corner, by the bar.

“Let’s go somewhere else.” She hooked her arm around his. “Somewhere quieter.” She pressed herself closer to him and looked up at him from under her eyelashes. “We could go to the studio.”

He didn’t have to ask, ‘and do what?’ knowing what she had in mind. Usually he would have agreed, but now... “Some other time.”

“Why?”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve never refused sex before.” She withdrew her arm and crossed her arms.

“Is that what this was, an invitation to sex?”

“Don’t play stupid.”

He sighed. “I just don’t feel like it, okay?”

Mary’s eyes narrowed. “Because of
her
?”

He shrugged.

“You slept with her, didn’t you?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Didn’t you?”

“So what if I did? It’s not like this is the first time I’ve slept with somebody.” Why was she getting so upset about it?

She stomped her foot. “But you’ve never refused me before. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I’ve known you longer.”

“What’s wrong with you --”
But the way she looks at you, it’s so obvious
, his mother’s words came back to him. “Are you in love with me?”

“No.”

“Mary?”

“I’m not in love with you.”

He knew her well enough to know when she was lying. He swore and his hand went to the back of his neck; he started to rub it. It was she who always initiated sex, but if he had known that she harboured feelings beyond friendship for him, he would never have slept with her. “I warned you that it was going to be strictly physical. I told you that.”

“Is it strictly physical with her, too?”

The elevator stopped with a groan and the door slid open.

“No. Yes -- I don’t know.” Why was he even talking about this with her? He strode out of the elevator and across the lobby to step out onto the street. He directed his step toward the sleek, dark grey Audi.

She grabbed his arm, stopping him. “I’m not going home.”

He looked at her.

“We always use cabs when we go out drinking; you never drive.”

His fingers tugged on his ponytail as he sighed, a puff of fog coming from his mouth. “Do you really think it’s wise for us to go drinking right now?”

“Just because -- nothing has changed! I’m still the same. I’m still your friend. I’m Mary, the girl you’ve known since elementary school, the girl who was always there for you when you needed somebody. Just because you found out that I’m...” She averted her gaze, her mouth pinched tightly together.

“You’re my friend, Mary, I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t. But I'm hurting you, aren’t I?” His hand curled around her shoulder. If he had known that she had feelings for him, their friendship would have stayed strictly platonic. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You would have cut me out of your life if you’d known.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” He would have put some distance between them, though. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“You want to shut me out! Don’t you dare! I’m not an object you can put away just because you aren’t willing to deal with me.”

“Oh, Mary, you can’t...” He shook his head. “I can’t give you want you want, you must see that. You must know that. You have to get over whatever you think you are feeling for me, and you can’t do that while I’m around.”

“I don’t want to fall out of love with you.”

“I can’t be with you.”

“I didn’t say you have to.”

“But I shouldn’t be with Kris either, is that what you are saying?”

“Can’t you see that she’s bad for you? All you are going to accomplish is hurting yourself.”

“Maybe I have to hurt myself.” It wouldn’t be the first time he had done that in an attempt to cut into the numbness that had clung to him since Kate’s death. He had tried to get rid of it with physical pain and adrenaline rushes, and sometimes it helped, but only for a short while, before the paralysis of his grief swallowed him again. Time had smoothed out the pain and reduced the dark hole inside him, but the loss of the girl who had crashed into his life when he was four was a never-ending ache, a twisting knot of dull pain that smothered inside him, never burning out.

Kris’s presence hushed the ache, and he was not willing to let her go. He wouldn’t argue with Mary about that; what he did was his business, and he didn’t need Mary’s permission. He didn’t insist on driving her home either, but went out with her, drinking, as he had promised her.

The night passed in a tense, awkward atmosphere, and in the morning, as he got her into a cab and watched it drive away, he wondered what he was going to do with Mary and the feelings she had for him. The only solution that he could come up with was to put some distance between them, in the hope that in his absence, she would find somebody else to love.

In the afternoon, he found himself in the apartment he shared with Kalen. On the big screen of the telly, Rose displayed the photographs they had taken on their trip. His parents, and Ann, Kalen’s grandmother, sat beside her on the couch, while he and Kalen were in the kitchen, with bottles of beer in their hands, observing the slide show over the kitchen counter.

Ashton told Kalen what happened with Mary, omitting the part about Kris. “I just don’t know how to deal with her.”

“I knew she was in love with you --”

“You knew, and you didn’t’ tell me,” Ashton said, careful not to raise his voice, even though he wanted to.

“She made me promise, but I would never have promised to keep quiet if I’d known that you two were sleeping together.” With his fingers, Kalen combed through his short blond hair. “I never understood why, when we went out drinking, she always hung on me, not on you, since she could use her being-touchy-when-drunk habit to get close to you. She had to be afraid that if she did, you would figure it out, and start to ignore her like you do all the girls that get too attached to you.”

“I don’t understand it.” Ashton leaned his elbows on the counter. “I never promised any of them anything. Actually, after the stalking and break-in incident, I’d started to warn anybody that sex is all they get with me.” He had even warned Kris that he couldn’t offer her anything. “If they want something more, why do they get involved with me?”

“They probably hope that they’re the one who can change you.” Kalen gave him a sad, small smile. “And hope that you’ll fall in love with them.”

“How can I fall in love with them when I’m still in love with...” Ashton frowned. He would always love Kate, the girl who, when he was thirteen and she fourteen, had put his head in an arm-lock and demanded he admit that he loved her. She had been such a big part of his childhood and he had shared all of his firsts with her. “Do you remember the time she escorted us on our first day of school? How she burst into the classroom and threatened to beat up anybody who dared try to bully us.”

“That was embarrassing.” Kalen smiled. “She was so overprotective of us, and yet, that didn’t stop her from hitting us when we misbehaved.”

“You mean when we decided not to obey her.” Ashton chuckled; a short, dry sound.

“She was lucky we were taught not to hit girls.”

Ashton’s finger glided over the bottle, uniting the drops of condensation gathered on the glass. “I miss her. After all this time, I still miss her so much.”

Kalen’s hand descended on his back. “We all do.”

“I met somebody.” Over his shoulder, Ashton glanced at his friend then fixed his gaze on the beer bottle again. He hadn’t planned to talk about Kris to Kalen, but... “She makes me miss Kate less.”

“Is it serious?”

“For me, right now, it is.”

Kalen leaned on the counter beside him. “Are you going to introduce her to us?”

“No.”

“Are you afraid that --”

“Guys, what are you doing in there for so long?” Rose yelled. “Ash, you are missing everything.”

“I can see quite well from here,” Ashton said.

“Kalen.” Rose shifted to widen the space between her and Ann, and patted it.

“Give us a minute, sweetheart.”

Rose rolled her eyes before she focused back on the telly.

“You are so whipped.” Ashton grinned.

“And loving every minute of it.” Kalen grinned back. “Now, is this you trying to change the subject?”

The smile vanished from Ashton’s face and he sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want you to meet her, it’s just that I’m not ready to share her with anyone.” And to listen to Kalen’s objection when he saw how much Kris resembled his dead sister.