Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (42 page)

Yes, David would probably support me -- he would, no probably about it -- but I still feel weird asking him for
anything
after all the crap I've put him through recently. Same with Lyric, I know she'd help if I asked, but I just don't want to. I want to prove that I'm a grown up, that I can do this on my own, without help from anyone. I've been depending on my brother for the past five years, and when I wasn't depending on him, I was manipulating Jeremy into doing things for or with me. I don't want to be that girl any longer. I want to show my son or daughter how to be self-sufficient and resilient, the two things I really don't feel like I am.

The girl I used to be would be sneaking down the stairs, hoping to get away from the house without being caught; the woman I
want
to be is standing at the door to my brother's office, the one that used to be my dad's and trying to get up the nerve to knock. Taking a deep breath, I squeeze my eyes shut and raise a fist to the door, knocking lightly, hoping just a little that he doesn't hear me and I can walk away quietly.

"Come in," my brother's voice says from inside. Unable to calm the butterflies taking over my stomach, I open the door and walk inside to see him sitting behind my father's old desk in a room that still holds a trace of dad's cologne, like it had seeped into the walls. David keeps this desk clean; unlike his desk at Drench, which is covered in so many papers I'm not sure what color it is anymore. This one though only has his laptop and three pictures -- one of Lyric taken on her birthday, one of me at graduation, and one of him, me and Jeremy taken not long before everything fell apart. They each have an arm around me, and the contrast between them is easy to see. Jeremy is all sexy darkness while David is blonde and light-hearted. They both tower over my barely five foot frame in the picture, but we're all smiling and it's a reminder of happier times. Times before I ruined everything.

"Good morning, sunshine," David says with a smile as I roll my eyes at him. Sunshine is not something I've been lately, hell; it's not something I've been in months. "You look lighter than I've seen you in a while...what's going on?"

Taking a seat in one of the chairs across from him, I blow out a breath and look down at my hands, afraid of what I'll see on his face when I tell him what I came to say. "SarahBeth?" he asks in concern, and I know I need to start talking.

Twisting my fingers together, I shrug, "I'm thinking about getting a job instead of starting summer semester. Babies are expensive, and I don't have anyone to support me."

David doesn't say anything, so finally I have to look up at him, but I'm afraid of what I'll see on his face. His jaw is clenched and his body is tight, letting me know that what I said just pissed him off. "What do you mean you don't have anyone to support you? You have me, your friends, Lyric...you'd have Jeremy if you'd fucking tell him. Not finishing school isn't an option, you're close to graduating, and you need to get your degree SarahBeth."

"Yeah, but..."

He cuts me off, "Yeah, but nothing. If you won't tell Jeremy, which I really think is fucked up, that's on you. I've been taking care of you for the past five and a half years; I'm not stopping now. There's no reason for you to run yourself into the ground trying to go to school
and
hold down a job when I'm willing and able to take care of you until you and Jeremy work your shit out."

Again, I start to speak, but this time he walks around the desk to crouch in front of me, covering my mouth with his hand, effectively stopping any argument. "Don't," he says harshly. "Don't even start Sarah Elizabeth. School is the best option for you right now. You're signing up for summer classes, even if I have to drive you every day myself."

"Fine," I say petulantly, feeling a little like a child that's been scolded. The corners of his mouth tipping up in a grin, David drops his hand from my mouth, pulls me up so that we're both standing and wraps his arms around me. It's the first time he's really hugged me since all this happened, and as soon as my cheek touches his chest, I burst into tears. Unlike most of the tears I've cried, these are cathartic instead of sad. The fact that he's willingly putting his arms around me gives me hope that he's finally going to forgive me for the awful things I've done.

The relief I feel having his arms around me causes my knees to go weak and I collapse into him. He chuckles just a little before sliding an arm under my knees to lift me up before sitting in the chair I was just sitting in. He keeps me sideways on his lap, tucking my head under his chin as he rubs my back lightly and murmurs soft words of comfort. My hands are clenched in his now drenched t-shirt, reveling in the way my brother holds me, letting me cry it out until I sag against his chest. He hasn't held me this way since right after our parents' funeral when I lost it in the chapel.

My sobs finally slow to hiccuping breaths, and I pull back to look up at him, the look in his eyes the softest I've seen in weeks, at least when he's been looking at me. It's the first time I haven't seen a trace of anger since everything came out.

"Are you done being dumb?" David's smile keeps the words from being harsh, and my shoulders slump in relief.

I nod, "Yeah, you big meanie, I'm done being
dumb
." He flat out laughs this time, hugging me close once more and letting me cuddle back into him, glad I finally have my brother back.

"So, now that we've decided you're continuing with school, let's figure out how to make it work." I like how he says "we" decided. Funny, it seemed like David told me what I was doing, without any discussion. He moves to stand, sliding me back into the chair as he leans against the front of his desk, folding his arms across his chest, ready to talk. "The baby is due at the end of December, between semesters, which will give you some time with it before you have to go back. Have you registered for summer classes?"

I'm not sure I like the new me. Sneaking out of the house would have been oh so much easier. But, I'm here, and the conversation is happening whether I want it to or not. Sighing, I tell him, "Yes," drawing the word out like a whiny teenager. I said I was trying to be different, but it isn't going to happen all at once. "Classes start next Monday. I just don't know if it's the best choice...I know you're willing to support me, but shouldn't I be a grown up? You know, job, place to live, all the grown up things you're supposed to do when you're having a baby."

"You just proved how incredibly young you are, SarahBeth. Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to suddenly give up on
all
your own dreams. Yeah, you're going to have someone depending on you, but it doesn't mean you have to do it alone. This house is huge, I'm sure we can find a room to put a crib in. Hell, you could just put a crib in
your
room. The best thing you can do right now for him," he looks pointedly at my stomach before meeting my eyes again, "is finish your education, take advantage of the fact that you have people who love you and want to help you. Maybe you can see about adding an extra class or two to this semester and fall semester so you can finish early. Talk to your advisor, tell them what's going on and see what your options are. Don't just give up and decide that your own goals aren't valid now because you're pregnant."

David finally stops lecturing me to run a hand through his hair, smiling down at me sheepishly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get all preachy."

Shooting up out of the chair, I launch myself at him this time, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist and snuggling into him. "You weren't preachy, you're perfect David. I love you."

"I love you too. Now, get out of here, go see whoever you need to see at school and make some plans." He squeezes me tightly a final time before releasing me. Walking me over to the door, a hand on the small of my back, he tugs my ponytail before grasping the knob to pull it open. We both freeze when we see Lyric standing in front of the door; her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Hey darlin'," David says, confused.

She sniffles before smiling at us. "Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just didn't want to interrupt." She hugs me, then wraps her own arms around my brother's waist, prompting him to wrap an arm around her and drop a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm so glad you guys are talking again!" she gushes, looking up at my brother, her eyes just as full of love as his, making my chest hurt because it's so similar to the way Jeremy used to look at me.

"Me too," I say, edging away from them. "Uh, I'm going to go do what we talked about, you guys have fun." Neither of them answers me verbally, they're too caught up in each other, but Lyric raises a hand in a tiny wave as my brother raises his free hand, the one that was resting on my back, to cup her cheek, lowering his mouth to hers. I look away before they kiss, not wanting to intrude, and also not wanting to see their obvious connection. I'm out the door and in my car in record time, heading over to school to see what my options are, to see if I can still add a class or two to my summer schedule, and if it's possible to add to my fall class load.

By the time I'm finished at school it's well after lunchtime and I'm
starving
. After sending texts to Livvie, Ella and Emily to find they are all busy, I take my Kindle that's been loaded down with books dealing with all things pregnancy to Ruby's, a restaurant close to downtown that's one of my favorites. Once I've placed my order, I pull out my Kindle and start reading about what I should expect during the first few months of pregnancy.

I'm engrossed in my reading, so I barely notice the waitress bringing my food. I definitely don't notice someone sit down across from me until a voice I never thought I'd hear again says my name hesitantly. Almost dropping my e-reader, my head snaps up to see Jeremy, sitting across from me like it's a normal occurrence. Squeezing painfully in my chest, my heart reminds me of just how much I've missed this man and just how much he's hurt me. 

Sitting across the table from the father of my baby, knowing he has no idea, is a little surreal. I want nothing more than to tell him, to have him hold me and tell me everything will be all right, that he'll be with me every step of the way...but something holds me back. The past few weeks have shown me that I
can't
trust him -- not with my heart and absolutely not with my child. It's all I can do not to cover my stomach protectively; it goes against every instinct I have to leave both my hands on the table. But putting a hand on my stomach would raise a huge red flag, and it wouldn't take Jeremy but a minute to realize what's going on.

"SarahBeth," he says my name again, stopping to clear his throat, "you look like you've lost weight." His eyes are studying mine, which narrow at his words. Of course I've lost weight, I can only keep down about a third of what I put in my stomach thanks to the baby that disrupting my system. Unaware of my inner monologue, he continues, "How are you doing?"

God, I hate this. Really, really
hate
this. He's talking to me like we're strangers, like we haven't spent the majority of our time together for the past five years, that he's not the only person who knows my body intimately and he's not the only one
I
do. "I'm fine," I snap, pissed at him all over again for the way he's been treating me. "What do you want, Jeremy?"

He rubs a hand down his face, clearly uncomfortable, before saying, "I need to talk to you."

"You need to talk to me?" I ask, laughing, though it's
not
a happy laugh. "Funny, I've been trying to talk to you for
weeks
now, but you've made it crystal clear you don't want to talk to me. In fact, the last time I tried to talk to you, you basically told me you never wanted to see me again. So, I'll ask one more time. What. Do. You. Want?" His face pales at my words and I instantly feel bad for being so callous. It's no less than he deserves, but it's not who I am.

He closes his eyes in a way I'm familiar with that means he's praying for patience. Then, leaning forward, he clasps his hands together, forearms on the table, leaving just his elbows hanging off, his eyes stare into mine intently. "I know I'm an asshole and you must hate me, but I do want to talk to you." He pauses, taking a deep breath before he says, "I'm sorry. So sorry for the way I've treated you." Jeremy reaches to take my hand, but I pull it back towards me, knowing that if he touches me, I'll forget everything he's done and forgive him. I'm just not ready for that yet. His eyes darken as he watches me cringe away from his touch, sadness evident in them. "Please," he pleads, "give me a chance to make things right."

As much as I want to get back to where we were, I can't let him get to me. I'm not ready to forgive and forget, at least not yet. "I can't," I whisper, shaking my head and looking away from him, not wanting to see the look on his face when I reject
him
. Telling him no causes physical pain, but I have more than just myself to think of, he doesn't deserve my immediate forgiveness. I'm just not
ready
. He has lost my trust.

"Let me show you," he begins. "I'll prove how sorry I am. I'm just asking for a chance."