Everything Between Us (30 page)

Daniel thought you were strong enough.

“Then I’ll talk to you in three weeks,” I say, my voice surprisingly steady. I turn on my heel and head for my room, but I’m not running. I’m not trying to escape. I’m going to do some thinking. I’m going to do some research.

And I’m going to make a plan.

Chapter Twenty-five: Daniel

Caleb drops onto the bar stool next to me, and I wave to the bartender. “Just water,” says Caleb as the bartender slides a beer in my direction.

My best friend looks me over as his eyebrows rise. “You look awful,” he says.

“Thanks.” I give him a sidelong glance. “I mean it. Thanks for coming out. I know you could probably be with Romy—”

Caleb waves his hand as the corner of his mouth twitches. “When I saw you this morning, I decided it was time for an intervention. How many days has it been?”

I could be a smartass and pretend like I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I’m too drained to play games. “Eight.”

“Does it hurt any less?”

“No.” It hurts more. Because the more I replay my last moments with Stella in my mind, the more sure I am that I screwed up. She was trying to get some space, but it wasn’t like she was pushing me away for good. Still, it destroyed me. I’d been ready to tell her how I felt. I’d wanted to take her back to my apartment and
show
her how I felt. And that’s when she decided that, no matter what I did, I was getting in her way.

Somewhere, in the farthest reaches of my brain, I can understand that. I even admire her for wanting to stand on her own, for not wanting to depend on anyone but herself. I actually think it’s what she needs, because she has some major decisions ahead of her, and some huge fights if she diverges from what her parents expect. I’m not so selfish or stupid that I can’t see all of that.

But I wanted to be the guy. I couldn’t help it. She made me feel bare, and I wanted to be her armor. That’s not what she wanted, though.

“She did what she needed to do,” I say as Caleb sips his water. “And I … probably fucked up.”

“Probably?”

“Definitely. I made her choose between all or nothing, no middle ground. She said she needed a little time and I bombed out of there like she’d said she never wanted to see me again. At this point, she probably
doesn’t
want to see me ever again.”

Caleb swirls his finger around the circular ring left by his water glass. He’s looking at it in this intent way he has, like he’s imagining recreating the shape on canvas. “Even if that were true, it doesn’t change how you feel about her.”

I take a long drink to wash the bitterness away. “I’m working on that.” And failing.

“Isla cornered me after class this afternoon. She still wants to discuss a commission with you for her summer cottage. Said you hadn’t returned her calls.”

I let out a bark of laughter. “Right.” I finish the beer and wave for another. “I’m surprised Liza hasn’t driven all of them away.” But she got what she wanted—Stella and I are finished. Maybe she decided she’d done enough.

“Does Stella know Liza cancelled the commission?”

I turn to him, dread twisting in my gut. “If she does, she probably thinks that’s why I left.”

He nods, drawing squiggly lines in the condensation on his glass.

“She’ll think it was about money,” I say hoarsely. It probably hit every nerve she has.

“But it wasn’t.”

Wasn’t it? I got Liza’s text right before I picked Stella up that night. But I was so crazy for her that every loss seemed worth it. As soon as she pushed on me, though … I ran. Was that because I didn’t want to get hurt, or because I was terrified to be left with nothing?

“You could do it, Daniel,” says Caleb. “You could make a living without the … extra stuff. If you wanted to.”

“I don’t.” After I roared out of Stella’s on Monday night, I went home and took out my phone, planning to call every woman who’d left messages in the last few weeks. But as I scrolled through the call record, I kept seeing Stella’s number, kept thinking back to the hours we’d spent talking, and then I missed her so much that I had to put the phone away and go for a long, hard run until I was too exhausted to think. It’s been days, but the idea of calling any of those women—of being with anyone but Stella—messes me up. “But maybe I don’t have a choice.”

Caleb nods. “Maybe you don’t. But it’s going to be okay. You’re more than talented, Daniel. You know that.”

“You’re a good friend, Caleb.”

His smile has turned distinctly sly as he looks over his shoulder. “I know.”

I turn my head to see what’s grabbed his attention and my stomach does this weird swooping thing. Romy is sitting at a table by the window. And Stella is with her.

“Shall we join them?” Caleb asks, unable to hide his grin.

“You’re a bastard.”

“I’ve been called worse.” He slaps my back and heads over to join Romy and Stella. I turn on my barstool, watching him skim his fingers down Romy’s cheek and kiss her before sitting at the table. My heart pounds as Stella greets him with a gorgeous smile, then gets up and walks toward me.

It’s one of those forever moments that lasts two seconds but feels like years. She’s wearing jeans and a sweater that hugs her body, and her hair is down, falling straight and shiny over her shoulders. Her eyes are bottomless and dark, bold and curious. And they’re riveted on mine. “Hey,” she says softly once she reaches me. “I’m sorry about the ambush. I didn’t know it was going to happen until we were here.”

I tear my gaze from hers, wishing she
had
known ahead of time, because then I could trust that she wanted to see me. “It’s no big deal. How are you?”

She laughs, a quiet, rasping sound that makes me ache because I’ve missed it so much. “I’m not sure how to answer that. How about you?”

Her fingers brush my jaw, and I raise my head, my body going haywire at that simple touch. “It’s been a rough week,” I admit.

“I’m sorry my mom cancelled your commission. If I’d known she would do that, I—”

“Would have dropped me earlier?” I say, more harshly than I intend.

She doesn’t even flinch. “If it meant protecting you from losing that much, maybe I would have tried.”

“So you would have protected me, but I wasn’t allowed to protect you.” I stand up. I need to face her eye to eye, and she’s so freaking tall.

“You were protecting me from something I needed to face, Daniel.”

I stare at her. And then I laugh. “And you would have done the same for me.”

“But that commission …”

“I got that commission for all the wrong reasons. Should you have protected me from losing it? From having to make a living without selling myself along with it? You called me on that as soon as we met. Have you changed your mind?”

Her brow furrows. “Have you?”

“Things changed. I’m just dealing with the fallout now.” The certainty strikes me hard—I needed to face this, whether Stella was the reason or not. “How about you? On your way to feeling whole?” I keep my tone light, but it burns.

“I feel stronger, but I don’t feel whole,” she says quietly. She takes a step back, but I reach out and take her hand.

As soon as I touch her, her face twists with pain. “I’m sorry I pushed you away, Daniel,” she blurts out, her words tumbling out so quickly I have to concentrate to catch them. “I never meant to hurt you or make you angry. I just needed to get my feet underneath me before I felt worthy of you.”

She might be pulling away, but her fingers are twined with mine and holding on tight. I use that connection to bring her back, to catch her in my arms. “You deserved time. You deserved whatever you needed. And I …” I chuckle. “I panicked. I let it control me. I let it pull me away from you.”

I feel the tremble of laughter in her body as she presses her face to my shoulder. “So we’re both scared.” Then she shudders, and her arms slide around my back. She hugs me tightly.

I shut my eyes, savoring every second her body is against mine.
Please come back to me,
I want to say. But I can’t. I won’t do that to her again.

She raises her head. I can feel her heart pounding against my chest, which tells me she’s scared
right now
. “Daniel, I’m … I’m getting better.”

I brush her hair away from her face. “I’m glad.”

“I’m not there yet, but I’m getting closer every day.” Her eyes are pleading; she’s waiting for me to say something.

I smile. “I told you that you were too good to let this beat you.”

She nods, but frustration is etched on her face. “Yeah, but what I’m trying to say is …” She bites her lip. “It’s scary to say out loud.”

My hands skim up her shoulders, caressing her neck. My heart is racing now, too, because I know what I want her to say, but if she does, I’m done for. I won’t be able to hold back. But I press my forehead to hers, because she pulls me right in. And I whisper:

“I’ll face my fears if you face yours.”

I’ve just hit SEND on an email to my brother when my Skype account starts beeping to tell me I have an incoming call. I click over to see that it’s Nate, so I answer immediately. My brother’s face appears on the screen. His blond hair is so short that he looks bald, and his face is gaunt—he’s even leaner than he was the last time we talked. “I saw you were online,” he says, his voice distorted by the distance and connection speed. “Wanted to see if I could catch you.”

“God, it’s so good to see you,” I say. “How are things?”

Nate’s eyes slide downward. “Ahh, okay. Okay. You know how it is. Lots of patrols. Tell me about you.” He looks back up at me, and I realize—he doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on with him. Not at all.
Is he like you?
Stella whispers in my memory.

“I’m good,” I tell him. “Mom’s starting chemo next week.” She’s had two months to recover from the surgery, and the doctors don’t want to wait any longer.

“Yeah, I talked to her. She seemed upbeat about it.”

I chuckle. “She’s always upbeat about everything. You know that.”

“I do.” He smiles, this mischievous smile I’ve seen so often, usually right before he pulls some prank. “She said you had a girlfriend.”

I rake my hand through my hair. “She told you, huh?”

“Uh-huh. Never thought I’d hear a piece of news like that.”

“Her name’s Stella.” Two weeks ago, that night our friends brought us together again, she said, “I don’t feel whole without you.” And I told her I’d give her the time she needed.

“Mom said she makes awesome cookies.”

I laugh. Every time I see Stella, she’s cooked up another treat for my mom. “I think she’s the reason Mom’s gained a few pounds.”

“Mom wants to meet her.”

“I’m trying to make that happen.” Stella’s gotten so much better. Amazingly better. She graduates from therapy in a few weeks, and now she’s actually driving herself to and from her appointments. It’s incredible; she’s even driven me around a few times. She’s a lousy driver, but I’d never tell her that because she’s so damn proud of herself—and because she lets me go with her. She does all her exposures by herself, but she’s gotten confident enough that she’ll meet me for coffee or dinner. She hasn’t let me get too close, and I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter that I think she’s strong—what matters is how she thinks of herself. I’m waiting for her to let me in, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with wanting her, and all the things I need to say are going to come tumbling out of me without permission. “You’re trying to convince her to meet our parents? Wait—is Stella the one who’s putting on the brakes?” Nate laughs. “I need to meet this girl.”

“Maybe you will. When are you coming home, bro?”

“August, I’m thinking. They haven’t given us a specific date yet.”

By August, Stella might be gone. It hits me so fucking hard that I nearly double over. “Uh, we’ll see then. She’ll be back in college at the end of that month.”

“Does she go to Becker?”

I shake my head. “Wellesley. It’s in Massachusetts.”

“I know where Wellesley is. But I guess it’ll be good for you to have your space back … right?”

I rub at the ache in my chest. “Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be good. And we’ll hang out and get shit-faced.”

“I’m counting on it,” Nate says, and something in his voice, this overly loud,
I’m trying too hard
kind of tone, and suddenly I realize that Stella was exactly right.  My little brother is as good at putting on a show as I am.

“Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“How are you really?”

He looks quickly off screen, his movements blurring and pixelating. “Gotta go. My time’s up. Love you, bro.”

“Love you—” He’s gone.

I slump at my computer table, staring at the blank screen, an uneasy feeling crackling inside me. I hope he’s okay, but I think Stella was right about that, too. He’s not. Unsettled and restless, I call her, needing to hear her voice. She picks up after a few rings, sounding a little out of breath. “Hey, what’s up?” she says.

“Are you busy?”

She’s quiet for a few seconds. “I’m getting ready to leave for my final exposure task. If I get through this, it’s all downhill from here.”

“I’m
sure
you’ll get through it.”

“We’ll see, I guess,” she says softly. “Are you home?”

“Yeah. I just got off the phone with my brother.”

“Oh, wow—is he okay?”

“I’m starting to wonder. He didn’t sound like himself there at the end. But he didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Are
you
okay?”

I look up at the high ceiling of my warehouse apartment. It’s basically one big room and a bathroom, with tall windows that overlook downtown. “I’m not sure of that, either. Um … when are you done with your thing?”

“Oh … I don’t know yet.”

Suddenly, this fear stabs through me, icy and sharp. Is she going to a club? A party? If this is the last exposure task for her, it has to be something she’s really afraid of. “Do you want to get together afterward? I’ll meet you wherever you are.”

“No, you can’t. I’ll be fine, Daniel. I need to do this on my own.”

Now my head is full of images, a thousand guys, all closing in on her, all with more money and more connections and better futures than me. Great. I blow out a long breath, because I
will not
be an insecure, jealous asshole. Especially when this is Stella’s big moment of triumph. “Okay. I’ve got confidence in you,” I say, trying to hide the hollowness with extra enthusiasm …
just like Nate
, I realize. “Kick ass and tell me about it later.”