Everything Between Us (29 page)

All my life, I’ve been on a different path. People in my family work in business. Law. They bring in serious money, enough to make it look easy. No one spends their days in a shop on Main Street in a little town. No one would dream of doing anything so low-paying and ordinary, something that doesn’t require Ivy League schooling and major connections. But to me, it sounds like a dream. One I’ve never allowed myself to consider because my parents would cut me off in a heartbeat if I went after it. And after everything that’s happened, I’d assumed it was unrealistic anyway, since I couldn’t leave the house. But now, here I am. With the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, who’s looking at me like I’m something special.

We talk and eat and drink and laugh, and I keep the conversation on him and his family, because I want to know everything about him, and it feels better to keep the focus off me. He tells me about life growing up with his brother Nate. But as he describes how strong and fierce his younger sibling is, how he’s in the army and kicking ass, something strikes me. “Is he like you?”

Daniel tilts his head, but there’s a hint of tension in his smile. “We’re really different, actually. He’s always been a lot more serious than I am.”

“That’s not what I mean. You said his friend was killed recently.”

Daniel’s suddenly really interested in what the sushi chef’s doing. “Nate’s tough. He’ll get through it. He told my parents that he’s fine.”

I hesitate. I don’t want to piss him off. But—“And they believed him? Do
you
believe him?”

He purses his lips, like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. “Sure. I mean, it’s rough, but he can handle it.”

I lean toward him, allowing myself the luxury of stroking my fingers through his hair. “That’s how you are with your mom.”

He bows his head. “It’s a different situation.”

“But the same way of coping. Avoiding the topic and trying to act like everything’s all right. Like you’re all right, even when you’re not. Like nothing can reach you or hurt you, even when it does.”

 He closes his eyes and chuckles to himself. “I wish that worked a little better with you.”

My fingertips find his jaw, skating gently along his face. “Do you really?”

He raises his head and looks into my eyes. “I honestly don’t know,” he says after a few moments. “You see too much sometimes.”

“But sometimes I don’t see enough.” I remember when he said something like that to me before.

“So what do you see tonight?”

I take his face in my hands, looking closely. His eyes, already so blue, look brighter. But there’s something else there, too. Fear, maybe. Whatever it is, it’s intense. My thumbs smooth along his cheeks. “Has something happened?”

“I think so,” he says, his voice vibrating through the space between us. He puts his hand over mine and holds it against his face. “I wonder if—the check, maybe?”

“Yeah,” I say instantly.

As we pay the check and head out, I feel like anything is possible. I don’t remember that I’m supposed to feel anxious until we’re walking into the coat room. It strikes me so quickly that I stop dead in my tracks. Daniel collides with my back and nearly causes me to stumble into the hanging coats. He catches me around the waist and pulls me back against him. “Sorry. Are you okay?”

His fingers spread possessively over my ribs. “I’m fine,” I tell him. “I just realized … I didn’t panic. Not even close.”

His voice is soft against my ear. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

I turn around, and in the narrow space of the coatroom, he’s right there. My chest brushes against his, making my stomach flutter. “Yes. I mean, no. Definitely no. This is the fifth time it hasn’t happened. I thought it meant I was making progress, but that’s not it.”

“Do you want to go back in? We could order—”

“No. It won’t work,” I say, shaking my head, fighting the terrible sinking feeling that’s threatening to pull me through the floor. “This isn’t working.”

His hands span my waist. “Could you be more specific?” The playful expression that he wore throughout dinner is gone now.

“Heather said this might happen,” I grumble. And I’d argued with her. I’d been totally stubborn about it. But she was right. “She thought you’d be too reassuring. That you might protect me from the things I need to face.” I’d told her that Daniel is one of the things that scares me most, and in some ways, that’s true. But when he’s by my side, I know everything’s going to be okay. “It was a mistake to come here with you.”

His jaw tightens. “Stella, you were having a good time. Don’t pretend you weren’t.”

“I was. That’s the problem.”

His hands rise to my face. “How is that a problem? Do you have to be working on this panic stuff all the time? Can’t we just have fun? I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”

I pull his palms away from my cheeks. “I don’t want to need you, Daniel.” And every moment I’m with him, I feel like I need him more—which means that if he loses interest in me, if he leaves, I’ll be right back where I was. Pathetic and trapped. I swallow hard as my throat constricts. I don’t know how to make him understand what this is like, feeling like I need another person to function normally and do things other people take for granted. If I ever want to be free of panic and fear, I can’t do it this way. “I’m sorry.”

“No. You’re not pushing me away. Not now,” he says in a hard voice. His arm encircles my back and he steps forward, eliminating any space between us. “Tell me what I need to do if this isn’t working.”

“It’s not anything you’re doing!” I put my hands on his chest. “It’s you, Daniel. It’s just you. Being with you makes me feel wonderful, but it also makes me feel weak.” My heart is hammering now, and my breath is coming faster. What am I saying? I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to have him this way, either, when I’m the sick, anxious girl and he’s the hero, always knowing what to say, what to do, always smoothing my way when I should be able to do that for myself. “I just … I can’t be with you this way. You shouldn’t want it either.”

His mouth drops open and then shuts with an audible snap as he grits his teeth. “Okay. We’re going.” He gets me my coat and yanks his own on, then walks me in silence to his car. All my fantasies of how we might have spent this evening are gone, replaced by a terrible sorrow and disbelief at what is happening. The drive back to my house is painfully tense. I try to figure out what to say, but he looks so angry that I’m afraid to utter a word. His hands are clenched over the steering wheel, and his eyes are focused straight ahead. My own are burning with tears.

I want to reach for Daniel. I want to explain. I want to ask him to wait for me, to give me time, to be my friend, to love me. But every request seems like too much to ask. Especially right now. He looks like he wants to put his fist through the windshield. “Daniel, I—”

“Don’t,” he growls. “Just. Don’t.” He turns into my driveway and follows the winding road to the house just a little too fast. I hold on to my door and keep my mouth shut.

He pulls to an abrupt stop near the side entrance and shoves the car into park. Then he rubs his hands over his face and lets them drop into his lap. “You’re killing me, Stella.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just need a little time.” But as soon as I say it, the tears start to well. I’m supposed to go to Wellesley in the fall. Only a few months away.

“Time,” he says in a hollow voice.

“Daniel.” My voice breaks over his name. “I want to be strong, like someone you deserve. Not someone who’s using you as a crutch.”

“Is that what you were doing?” he says, turning toward me. “Are you sure? Or were you just being a normal girl? Because you
are
a normal girl, whether you believe it or not.”

“I want to be a normal girl. And I’m getting there. But I can’t be dependent on you to make me feel that way.”

He opens his door with barely restrained violence, and then comes around to my side and rips mine open as well. He stands there, waiting for me to get out, and as soon as I do, he slams the door shut. His blue eyes are cold now, but there’s a spark of pain in them that makes it impossible to look away. “You’re using this as an excuse to push me away,” he says quietly. “Don’t hide. Just say it.”

He doesn’t understand at all. “This is the opposite of what I want. But I can’t settle for being half a person, and I don’t see why you’d want to be with someone who was willing to.”

He makes a frustrated sound in his throat and runs his hands through his hair. “Because it doesn’t feel that way to me at all! I’ve never been around anyone who saw me as clearly as you do, who pushed back as hard as you do. You feel whole to me. And I feel whole when I’m with you.”

His words tear at my heart, and I reach out to touch him, but instead of letting me, he grabs my hand and takes two steps forward, pinning me against his car. The fingers of his other hand weave into my hair as he forces me to look at him. “You are so much stronger than you think you are. You just have to decide what you actually want.”

His lips are bruising, hard and delicious as they crash down on mine, as his tongue thrusts between my teeth. He tugs the sticks from my hair and I hear the muted clatter as they hit the bricks of the drive. His hand slides over my ass and squeezes, and it’s all I can do not to beg him to press his hips to mine. He bows his head and his heated breath fans over my neck right before his teeth scrape along my skin. I lean my head back and blink at the stars, tangling my fingers in his hair and silently begging him to come closer. I cling to him desperately, wanting to believe the things he’s just said, wanting to give in, knowing that if I did, I’d lose him anyway, because I wouldn’t be strong enough to live in the world and stand on my own.  Either way, it’s breaking me.

His mouth locks onto the junction of my neck and shoulder, and my insides clench. I can feel his arousal pressed to my abdomen, and I want him so badly that I clutch his waist and pull him toward me. But as soon as I do, he lets go of me abruptly and staggers back, breathing hard. He wipes his mouth while he stares at mine.

“You make me feel weak, too,” he says roughly as his hand falls to his side. He stalks back around to the driver’s side, and I follow him, the panic coiling dangerously in my chest.

“If you’d just give me a few weeks, maybe—” I begin, because his kiss felt like goodbye, and that’s not what I want, not at all.

“Stop.” He holds his hands up. “I’m done.” He blinks away the shine in his eyes so quickly that I wonder if it was ever there at all. “I can’t do this. I shouldn’t ever have pushed it this far.”

He swings open his door and gets in, slamming it as I walk forward. “Please don’t go like this,” I say, but it’s not loud enough. Not strong enough. “Please don’t give up on me.”

But that’s exactly what he’s doing. His car is speeding down the drive a second later, and my head is spinning with dizziness. I put my hand to my stomach. Here it comes. The panic that makes my heart slam against the walls of my chest, the fear that makes my stomach heave.

It’s because he’s gone,
whispers a little voice in my head.

That’s the moment I realize this isn’t really panic.

It’s heartbreak.

Gasping for breath, I stumble toward the side entrance and blunder through the mudroom, all the way to the kitchen. The lights are on and my mother’s at the island, drinking tea. She looks up and her eyebrow arches when she sees me. “How was your date with Daniel?” she asks in a slightly mocking voice. Poking at all my sore spots like she always does.

“I can’t,” I whisper, barely able to draw breath. But even though I have the urge to run, to hide, to slam the door to my room and never come out, I stand my ground. If I had to lose someone as amazing as Daniel to get over this panic, I’m sure as hell not going to let it beat me now.

She smirks, like she somehow knew exactly what he would do. “You couldn’t have held his attention long, Estella.” She sets her teacup down. “He was bound to move on quickly.”

Forget the poke—it feels like she’s stabbed me. “I guess so,” I say, managing to find enough volume to speak.

She nods. “And do you know why? I cancelled his commission. That was all it took.”

“You what?” I whisper.

“I heard you planning this little outing with him over the phone, so I texted him this afternoon.”

Why didn’t I think of this? Daniel said something had happened—was that it? My mom cancelled his contract, and it was enough to drive him away? “Well, now that he’s done with me, maybe you should reconsider.”

“And make him believe he can do whatever he wants?” She laughs. “He needed a reminder about who was in charge.”

“And that’s you,” I say quietly. I really think I might hate my own mother. “This is how he makes his living, Mom. He’s a good artist. It was a shitty thing to do, just to control me.”

“It’s for the best.” She slides some papers across the counter toward me. “We received your enrollment papers in the mail today.”

I look down at them, the blue and gold Wellesley crest stamped on the letterhead, the forms I’m supposed to sign that say I’m ready to get back on track. “I can’t talk to you about this now.”

“You have until April first, Estella,” she says, her tone flinty. “I won’t let you avoid this or put it off. You’ve lost an entire school year, and I won’t allow you to miss another.”

“April first is in three weeks.” I clutch the doorframe. It feels like I’m going to fall through the floor, even though this decision should be easy now. I’ve pushed the best thing that’s ever happened to me out of my life because I wasn’t worthy of him, and he had every reason to go. He’s probably on his way to hook up with someone else. Why
shouldn’t
I go back to Wellesley?

Because it’s not what you want, not really.

My mother doesn’t care at all. She has me where she wants me, and she couldn’t be happier. “Then you have three weeks to get your act together. You won’t like what happens if you don’t.”

I stare into her eyes. I’ll never be what she wants me to be. I never have been, despite her relentless efforts. The question is whether I’m strong enough and brave enough to push back.