Every Shattered Thing (Come Alive) (7 page)

“What?” Kevin turns his head and flinches when a piece of grass pokes him in the eye. I giggle.

“There’s this Tori Amos quote I heard once," I close my eyes and try to remember. “‘I love feeling alive; I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.'” I smile as I stretch my arms around and accidentally touch his shoulder, suddenly thankful it’s pitch black so he can’t see me blush, “This reminds me of that. It reminds me of feeling alive. The cold of the grass inching through my skin, the smell of night in the air, the stars falling all around us...” I turn and look at him and squeeze his hand. “Thanks for bringing me.”

We sit there for awhile, resting in each others’ arms. When Kevin finally thinks to look at his phone, it’s almost four in the morning. I laugh at the thought of sitting through classes today after being out all night and then I start freaking out. A test. I have a test today. Cue panic.

“My physics test! Shit. I forgot all about it. I have to study...I have to pass.”

Kevin laughs and rubs my arm, “You're going to be fine. You still have a couple hours to sleep before you have to be at school.”

I roll my eyes and wriggle free, standing up to gather my things. I start pacing and wringing my hands and throwing Kevin withering glances. “You don’t understand, Kevin. This test determines whether I pass for the semester. You know, that’s important for a senior—passing.”

And maybe getting out of this town,
I think.

Kevin looks at me and smiles. “Well...I haven’t eaten in awhile and I have some cash from mowing my uncle’s lawn this past weekend. Do you want to go share a cinnamon roll from Cloud Nine?

We can sneak in and grab your bags on the way there. I’ll help you study for the exam. You know I got an A in that class?”

I squint and cross my arms. “Who are you?” I ask. Looking around, I take in our surroundings again and I force a laugh at the absurdity of our situation. Turning to look at him, I poke his chest with my finger, stepping within inches of his face for a split second before retreating into my own space. “You have me staying out all night and watching meteor showers in the freezing cold and now you want to take me to breakfast so I can
study?
Kevin Matouse, you are an enigma.”

He grabs my shoulder and gently pulls me closer to his side so we can walk as close as possible to stay warm. He leans over and kisses my temple and just responds, “Not as fascinating as you, Stephanie.

I’m pretty sure you’re the only girl I know who would stare down an intruder while calling the police and calmly asking them to come and handle the situation while the crazy drunk points his gun at you.” He squeezes my shoulder and lowers his voice a little. “In all seriousness, Steph. Next time something like tonight happens, please call me...after you call the cops, of course.”

I look at him and nod. “I think I can manage that - as long as you don’t join Tyler in taking my place of pulling the trigger on my father. If anyone should have the privilege of ending his life...it should be me.” Kevin looks horrified and I laugh - “I’m kidding, Matouse. Kind of.” I wink at him, “Now, let’s go get me hyped up on sugar, shall we? I need to stay awake through this physics test.”

And with that, I smile and take off running, leaving Kevin confused for a split second before he laughs and starts chasing after me.

Chapter Six

We get to my house, out of breath and exhausted from our midnight run.

“You’re pretty fast, Steph. Have you ever considered going out for track?”

I laugh and look at him with complete disdain. “Are you serious?!” I look down at my figure.

“I’m not the most athletic person. I trip on my own two feet walking on level ground. The only reason I was able to outrun you is because, well...I’ve had practice.” I shrug my shoulders. “Not necessarily something I like to make known to everyone, you know? Running from your father who is in a drunken stupor and completely out of his mind isn’t every girl’s dream. So, no. I’ve never considered track. I think I’ll just stick to my pen and paper—I’ll leave the nasty sweaty stuff to you.” I smile to reassure him, and then wink. “Now, be quiet while I go inside and grab my stuff.” I look at him closely. “No noise, got it?”

He holds up two fingers, scout’s honor, and whispers. “I’ll be a church mouse.”

I laugh quietly and turn away when all of the sudden I feel him grab my arm and yank me back towards him.

“What the...” I cry, ready to throw a punch to counter the force of his hands pushing me down to the grass.

“Steph...down.
Now.”
His urgent whisper catches my attention and I immediately pay attention to what’s around me. Only then, lying flat in the grass, do I notice my dad’s truck pull into the driveway.

Kevin must have seen the headlights as my dad turned on to the street because now, pulling in, the headlights were off. I glance at Kevin and he’s staring intently at my father. The look on his face is that of someone ready at a moment’s notice to step in between me and whatever force coming my way. I can’t think straight with my heart beating a violent rhythm against my chest.

What is he doing getting home so late?
I wonder to myself. And then I see her. In the passenger’s seat. Giggling and playing with her long, jet black hair.

Valerie.

I grab Kevin’s hand and squeeze it, a silent code.

Does he see what I see?

He squeezes back and watches my reaction. I close my eyes and count to ten, leveling my heartbeat.

Valerie? My heart sinks. It doesn’t make sense - not to someone who doesn’t know my father.

Unfortunately, I do. I know his preference for young flesh all too well. I shudder as memories pass through my mind—memories I thought were gone.

My dad walks around to her side of the truck, opens the door and then helps her down to the pavement. Wrapping her in his arms, they move towards each other in a lingering kiss. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and bury my head in my arm to avoid watching, but the picture is already burned into my brain, along with about a million other pictures I wish weren’t there.

“You better go, kitten. You have school tomorrow, dontcha?” My dad’s voice drawls and sways from the liquor.

Valerie smiles, giggles, bats her eyelashes, cocks her hip and glances at my dad so seductively I almost puke right there in the grass.

“Sammy. Don’t you remember? I haven’t been to school all year. I got my G.E.D! I’m working at Gunther’s Law Firm as a secretary. I’m saving money. For us.” She winked at him, “But I do need to go.

Will I see you tomorrow?”

My dad shifts his weight and scratches his arms and replies, “I don’t know. I have to go down to the police station and get things settled with Tyler. I have some money saved and I may bail him out if I can.” My dad sighs with exaggerated compassion and rubs his forehead. “You know, do I agree with what Tyler did today? No. Absolutely not. Do I blame him? No. He wasn’t in his right mind. He needs help.

I’m going to make some phone calls to see if I can get someone to talk with him. It’s the least I can do to wipe away some of the bad blood between us.”

My eyes grew into tiny slits.
Liar. Tomorrow is Thursday. He will be at Dilsey’s Pub for dollar
long neck night. Besides. He hates Tyler with every fiber of his being. I’m pretty sure he would knock him
out and toss him in the lake without a second glance.
Valerie just smiles and places her hand on his cheek, completely oblivious to his dishonesty. A lamb to her slaughter. I fight the urge to dash out and pull her from his grasp. She has no idea her fate’s about to be sealed.

“You’re such an amazing person, Sam. I really don’t understand what Stephanie has against you.

From what she has told people at school, you would think you were a monster.” Her voice turns sugary sweet. “And you’ve definitely proven yourself to be anything but a monster.”

Oh you have no idea, do you Valerie?

He grabs her by the hips and pulls her close to him. His voice has turned to gravel and I recognize the predatory glare in his eyes. “That bitch doesn’t know what she has. But you do, dontcha baby,” he whispers. I could feel my stomach turning, my reflexes kicking in—I bite my tongue to keep from throwing up everything I ate that day.

A slow smile curves his face. “Come on. I wanna show you something.” Valerie’s eyes take on a shade of curiosity and that’s just enough for my dad to take the bait. He pushes some hair behind her eyes,

“What’s wrong, baby? Don’t you trust me?” Valerie giggles—a hint of uncertainty betraying the confident front. She nods her head and the deal’s done. “Atta girl,” my dad whispers loud enough for us to hear the hungry edge beneath his words, “Let's go out back. I have a special place just for us.”

And with that, they walk out of sight behind the corner of my house, my father’s hand tight around Valerie's arm in case she decides to change her mind. She looks around and I see her eyes. Her confidence shattered, she looks scared. “Sam, you’re hurting me.” She whispers with a giggle toward the end to soften the fear. I can hear her questions as they walk behind the house and I silently beg her to stop talking. Questions only make my dad antsy. I succumb to the revolt with my stomach, moving away from Kevin and throwing up everything I’ve eaten that day into the grass. As Kevin grabs my hair to keep it from falling in front of my face, I squeeze my eyes and heart shut from the image of my father walking out back with one of my childhood friends.

***

Kevin and I decide not to wait around any longer. I open my window facing the front of the house, crawl in my room, grab my backpack off my desk and turn around to leave, all without hearing a peep from Pacey.

“Mission accomplished,” Kevin says as I maneuver my way back out of the window.

I give him a half-hearted smile. “Can we just get out of here? Please? I really don’t want to be around when they come back.” I shudder again and fight back the nausea. Kevin grabs my hand and leads me to the sidewalk. For awhile, we just walk, each of us lost in our own thoughts about what we just witnessed. I’d been wondering where Valerie disappeared to, I hadn’t seen her all year. We use to be inseparable, always over at each other’s houses. In some ways, I wasn’t surprised she found herself mixed up with my father. She was always so curious. Defiant. But underneath was a hunger for acceptance which was a target large enough for any creep to see.

I’m so deep in thought that I almost forget Kevin walking beside me. He’s the first to speak and his voice sounds loud against the silence.

“Should we call the police? I mean, what’s going on isn’t exactly legal and it may be what they need to put your dad behind bars for good.”

I glance at him and for the first time, begin to comprehend what it would be like to live completely innocent of any familial dysfunction. I carefully weigh my words so I don’t lash out at him.

“Have you ever had to hide bruises when CPS came to visit so you and your siblings wouldn’t be split up in foster care? Have you ever felt the need to lie—to protect yourself and those you love from the backlash of the truth? It’s not easy.”

I look towards the horizon, where the sun’s rays were just now starting to greet the blackened morning sky.

“Calling the police is the correct answer, but it’s not always the safest.”

Kevin slows down his pace a little and glances at me.

“What do you mean? Valerie is a minor. Your dad already has a file and has a history of dependence on alcohol and violence and abuse. You don’t think this could nail him once and for all?”

I hesitate. I have nothing to lose, so I stop and grab Kevin’s hand so he looks at me.

“No, Kevin. I don’t. I don’t think it will stop my father. In fact, I
know
it won’t.” His eyes pinch together, and I continue before he can ask a question, “It’s happened before. Valerie isn’t the first. My dad has a history of befriending my girl friends.”

Kevin takes a step away, gape-mouthed. He swallows, rubs his hands across his face and thinks for a few seconds.

“The cops know this? Your father has been reported? What about the parents? Did they find out?

Stephanie...your dad is a
sick
bastard.”

I laugh and turn my eyes to Kevin. “The cops know. My dad’s file is thicker than anyone’s in the county. However, you don’t book someone on a crime if you’re guilty of it yourself.”

Kevin studies my face. “I don’t understand. Who’s guilty?”

I hesitate again, my eyes fixed on the rising morning. Kevin reaches out and gently squeezes my hand.

“Hello? Is anyone home? What’s going on, Stephanie?”

And there it is. The question I can’t ignore. I take a deep breath and look away, not wanting to see his reaction.

“My father sold me, Kevin. In order to keep the police from saying anything, he got one of his buddies in the force to accept a bribe.”

“You were the bribe.”

I exhale slowly. “Yeah. Five guys. It started one night when I was twelve. Most of them still leer at me when they see me walking down the street. Some smile and tip their hat as if I should be excited to see them and now all of them turn a blind eye to my father’s indiscretions.” I drop my head, focusing on a crack in the sidewalk. “My father is a sick man, Kevin—but he’s also brilliant. He’s cheating the system and he’s milking it for all it’s worth. I just never imagined that I’d be lumped in with his conquests.”

The memories are coming full force now. The confusion, the fear, the glint of their knives pressed into my neck, the pain, the heavy breathing of the men in the dark room as they continually push and tore their way into me. The first time it happened, I stayed home the next day—too sore to do anything. My dad covered for himself, telling mom I had the flu and would probably need to be left alone in my room so she wouldn’t get sick herself. She never even came to check on me. No one did. It took about a week to fully recover, at least physically. Now? I don’t get the privilege of resting. Sometimes I’m even called out in the middle of the day during school. No one has said anything. I don’t even think I’ve been held accountable for my truancy. Makes me wonder just how far my dad’s indiscretions reach. And now...Kevin’s involved. He knows. My heart constricts and I fight the fear from bubbling up and taking over.