Every Shattered Thing (Come Alive) (4 page)

done. Bruised and rejected and so totally fed up with dealing with being absolutely invisible to those who could rescue me. And then she stopped me.

It was during one of her “let’s make a safe place” activities she always did for us kids. She placed a piece of tape along the middle of the hallway outside our classroom and asked us questions. If the statement applied to our lives, we stepped up to the line. The goal? According to her, she wanted
to build
a familiar atmosphere within the classroom walls.
I remember us giggling when she said those words. I remember us looking at each other when she started asking questions. A lot of our walls and defenses crashed down around us through her questions ranging from what movie we had just seen to whether or not we had tried ecstasy. I still remember the gasps and the
really? you? me too!
that seemed to accompany every step forward.

And then she asked the last question: whether we believed in ourselves despite anything others had told us. I’m sure she thought it was a gimme question. I mean, who
wouldn’t
step up to the line?

Every teenager I meet seems to radiate self-confidence—a sense of immortality and entitlement oozes from every pore. Of course, every one stepped up to the line. Every one except for me. My heart started beating against the prison of my chest and I felt faint—I held on to the wall as everyone around me smiled and glanced at each other in self-satisfied appreciation of the activity. I just stood there. A blank slate. It wasn’t until Emma sent everyone back into the classroom for discussion that she saw me, face against the wall, eyes slowly outlining the shape of the blade poking out surreptitiously in my jean pocket. No one would know. No one would care.

And then I felt her hand on my shoulder.

“Stephanie. What’s wrong?” Her forehead bent in confusion and she glanced automatically to the list of questions in her hand—assuming one had sparked my tears—which wasn’t far from the truth. She waited there, eyes resting on mine, until I opened up.

“I’m fine, really Mrs. Stevens, I just...the activity was hard.” I looked at her, struggling to spit out the words. “I couldn’t step up to the line because I don’t believe in myself.” I shrugged my shoulders and wiped my cheeks, “Realizing that scared me.”

She went limp against the wall and I immediately felt guilty for being such a downer to this teacher who had done nothing but care for me every day. I was just about to ask to use the restroom when she smiled, stepped forward, drew me into her arms and held me. She whispered into my ear.

“You may not believe in you, but I do. No matter what anyone has said; no matter what anyone will say; I have seen what you are capable of and the love you are able to give —and I know without a shadow of doubt you will amount to great things.
I believe in you,
Stephanie. Don’t ever forget that.”

Just like tonight, the tears fell freely—staining her white sweater with eyeliner and spent mascara.

She didn’t mind, though—just like she doesn’t mind tonight. I steal a glance her way and see her looking at me. I suddenly realize why she brought the subject up and I grab her hand.

“Thank you for believing in me, Emma.”

She smiles and squeezes my hand. “You know I always will.” She looked at me closely. “Did anyone notice your bruise today?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Kevin did this morning and Mrs. Houghton started to ask me about it but then changed her mind.” I let out a short laugh, “It's not necessarily the situation anyone wants to sign up for, you know? And the last thing I want to be is a charity case.”

Emma lets out a grunt, “Stephanie, you’re not a charity case.” She falls silent for a little while, placing a pacifier in Benjamin’s mouth. “Do you want me to work my connections again?”

I shift around and tug at my hair, suddenly uncomfortable. “Emma. You know more than anyone else what a twisted system we have. Do you think calling this in will do anything? Really? CPS has already proved themselves royally inadequate for this situation.”

She stays silent, swaying Benjamin in her arms to keep him calm. He looks at me with wide, trusting eyes—innocent to the conversation we are having and the evil forcing it to happen.

Kevin’s right. No one should have to face this.

Taking her silence as agreement, I stand up to kiss her forehead and rub Benjamin’s fuzzy hair.

“Will I see you tomorrow? I want to stay for dinner but I should probably get going."

She nods. “Yeah. I shouldn’t be busy after you get out. I’m second guessing this whole ‘take a year off of work’ thing. I love being a mom, but...I miss my kids.” she smiles at me and says, “You guys were a great bunch last year. Reminded me why I love teaching so much.”

I laugh in mock surprise, “You're the only one. Most teachers questioned their sanity after dealing with the people in my class.” I fingered a picture of her wedding day hanging on the wall and turned back around. “How's Jude? I miss him.”

“He’s good. Busy. Work has him traveling a lot right now, analyzing and building reports about what he observes with those assigned to him. It’s stressful, but he loves it.” She glances at me as she gently lays Benjamin on the nearby rocker so he can sleep and her arm can rest. “He misses you too.

You’re like a daughter, you know.”

I blush and nod. “Yeah, I know. And, if I could choose, I would definitely have him as a father.

He’s showed me what it could be like...” I walk over to Emma and give her a long hug. “Thanks again for everything, Emma. I’ll stop by tomorrow after school.”

She holds on to me and whispers, “Wait. You aren’t going anywhere yet.”

I look at her, questioning, and she points towards the front door. “Jude is about to walk in and dinner is ready. Sit. Get comfortable. And take off that hoodie. I swear it’s permanently attached.” She tilts her head and frowns. “Don’t you have a jacket to wear?”

I look at the worn down jacket draped over the couch. She opens her mouth to speak but the front door opens and Jude walks inside. She winks at me and rushes over to give Jude a hug. I turn away only to be enveloped in some of the largest arms I’ve known.

“Steph! It’s been awhile. It’s so good to see you.” Jude’s voice booms from his chest and I smile.

There aren’t very many men I know I can trust. Jude is definitely one of the few. I’m not sure how much of my sordid and complicated life he would admit to knowing about, but it doesn’t matter—I know he cares.

“Hey Jude.” I give his waist a squeeze and he steps back to get a better look at me. His eyes grow sharp and his hands tighten for a brief second on my arms. I know he sees the bruises.

“Jude honey, dinner is ready. Do you want to change first?” Emma’s voice cuts through the moment and Jude tilts his head toward me trying to figure out if he should pursue the issue now or later.

He squeezes my shoulders and leans forward to kiss me on the forehead before walking to their room to change. I breathe a sigh of relief and look for Emma in the kitchen. She catches my eye and smiles.

“Don't worry. I’ll talk to him. You won’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

I nod and grab some plates to set the table. “I know. He’s just concerned.”

She stops tossing the salad and looks at me. “We both are, Stephanie.”

I hold her gaze for a brief moment, not sure what to say. I glance down at my nails and begin picking at the cuticle—completely overwhelmed at the love I just saw in her eyes.

***

As always, dinner at the Stevens’ house proves to be an event. Emma worked all day on braising beef into some incredible creation. She gives me a generous portion and at first I’m wondering if I will ever be able to finish it. Halfway through, I understand this is a far cry from the SPAM I normally eat, and I determine to shove every piece in to my mouth.

“How was work today, love?” Emma asks Jude while fighting Benjamin’s attempts to grab every utensil he can reach.

“It was good. Tiring. We’ve limited our search to a few key players in the field. No names, just leads. The progress seems promising.”

“What exactly are you looking for now, Jude?” I take a breath from eating to join the

conversation. I’ve never known what Jude does for a living. It’s always been slightly mysterious and covert. Every time I see him I try to find out more, hoping to get a little peek into his life I didn’t know before.

He stops mid-bite and catches Emma’s eye before answering the question. “Well, I work for a non-profit partnering with local law enforcement. We haven’t been fruitful, for some reason the police department is a bit reticent to join with our agency.” He glanced at me. “We aren’t delegated by the government but through our own desire to see justice in our area. We see a rising issue with organized crime, specifically drug trafficking and prostitution. We’re trying to get to the bottom of these problems to see if there’s any darker force at play.”

I struggle to swallow my food. Suddenly I’m not very hungry. I’m not sure what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t this. I fight for control, to mask the emotions running wild inside. I fidget with my fork and ask the question I fear I already know the answer. “Could the cops be involved?”

Jude lowers his eyebrows. “Be involved? Like how?”

“Well, if they are unwilling to help, could it be they’re involved with the very forms of organized crime you’re trying to prevent?”

Emma clears her throat and gets up from the table to refill her glass. I watch her and catch a single look thrown Jude’s direction. I know there’s something deeper here, something they aren’t saying. I bite my lip and turn toward Jude. His fork is on the table now, his hands clasped in front of him. This is his power stance. He means business.

“That is something we’ve considered, but we really aren’t in the situation to tackle that level of corruption. We do have a few partner organizations who could help us, if in fact the police force is corrupt.” His voice is...detached? He turns his head and looks out the window, making circles with his fork on the plate. He finally turns back and catches my gaze. He smiles. A small, knowing grin that makes me feel safe. Protected.

He continues, a little more
present
with the conversation, “Whatever the case, we’re committed to keep those in harm’s way safe. I have guys all over the field, watching and waiting. We’ll be there at the first misstep these guys make. It’s been far too long and far too complicated a situation.”

I study his face for awhile before nodding and returning to my food. I feel strangely comforted by his words. Emma knows my story. She knows my frustration with the local police’s inaction at my expense. But as we finish our meal, with the talk shifting to Benjamin’s latest antics and words he possibly uttered during Jude’s latest trip, I wonder how much she truly knew. How much she would be able to handle?

Chapter Three

Even though Emma baked cookies earlier, she also found time to throw together a beautiful concoction of chocolate cake and strawberries. We’ve since migrated to the living room, making ourselves comfortable. I’m resting against the piles of pillows on the couch. Jude is sprawled on the floor with Benjamin playing. Emma walks out of the kitchen, balancing the cake dish in her hand and a bottle in the other.

“Jude, will you mind serving up the cake while I feed Benjamin again?” He pinches the top of her thigh and she squeals and sidesteps, giggling. “Seriously, Jude. Cake.”

“But what if I want to have my cake and eat it too?”

I throw my hands over my ears. “Ewwww. Guys. Enough.”

They look at me and laugh and Emma leans down to peck Jude on the lips before grabbing

Benjamin and walking over to a nearby chair to feed him.

“So, Stephanie have you looked at colleges lately?” Jude asks as he takes a knife to the cake.

I raise an eyebrow at the copious amounts of chocolate. There’s no way I can place another bite in my mouth, but I know I’m certainly going to try.

“Um, kind of? I mean, it’s not really a priority. I’m most likely staying local, you know. Someone has to take care of Pacey.”

“Hey hon, didn’t you tell me you found something for Stephanie? A college she might enjoy?”

She nods and motions her head toward a stack of papers on the coffee table.

Jude hands me a plate full of cake before sorting through the envelopes and magazines before finding what he’s looking for. He turns to look at me and hands me a pamphlet. “Emma found this college on the internet. It’s low residency - which means you travel to the campus three weeks every semester for work with the professors. The rest of the time you take classes and correspond via the internet.”

I take the pamphlet and flip through it nonchalantly. “I guess I’ll need to find internet then, huh?”

Emma’s eyes widen and she shakes her head, “Duh. We have internet. You could come over here and work. Or there’s always the coffee shop. They have free wi-fi.”

I tuck the pamphlet into my pocket and continue eating. “I doubt my father would understand if I was over here all the time, and I’m pretty sure he’d freak if he found out I came over here to take college courses. But, thank you. I’ll take a look at this.”

The clock’s chime echoes across the living room and I sigh when I notice the time. My dad is not the worrying type, unless I’m not there when he needs me. I stretch and lick the icing off my fork and push myself off the couch, making my way over to where Emma and Jude are sitting.

“I should probably go. Emma, I’ll see you later this week? I may need some help on a paper I’m writing for English.” I lean forward to give her a hug.

She holds me close, rubbing my back a little before she lets go and looks out her window, glancing back at me in concern. “It’s pretty dark outside, Steph. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?

You didn’t have the van when you got here and that’s a long way to walk.”

I’m almost out the door but I stop and turn around to give her a smirk. “No offense, Emma, but I’m pretty sure I can handle myself. There’s not much out there I haven’t seen.”