Ever After (6 page)

Scotty now looked pissed. “Where is this coming from? Since when did you become the father that I’ve never had instead of my sexy lover?”

Then I just blurted it out. “Since I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably going to literally have to kill that fucking predator, because you’re not doing enough to make sure he’s prosecuted.”

Scotty looked at me, obviously not understanding. “Ok, ok, ok. I’ll be more proactive. And, by the way, you probably shouldn’t use the word
literally
in that context. Because, obviously, you aren’t going to
literally
kill him.” However, as she said that, she didn’t look entirely convinced of her own words.

I immediately felt bad for tipping my hand. “Of course, I don’t mean literally. It’s a figure of speech. I just want to make sure that you’re doing all you can to get him, that’s all.”

She sat back down. She looked a bit deflated, so I took her hands thoughtfully. “Hey,” I said, clearing her bangs away from her face. “The odds are against you here to begin with. If you don’t get your back up just a little bit, then the odds will be that much longer. The only way we’re going to have a chance in this is if you’re in it 150%. So, focus. I know that you have a lot of things going on right now, but this has to be a top priority. A top priority. I can only do so much, because I’m not the victim. I’m the boyfriend. After a while, the cops are going to wonder why they’re not hearing from you.”

Scotty looked me in the eye. “You’re right. You’re right. I’m going to go down there tomorrow before work and find out what the hell is going on.” Then she smiled.

I wasn’t sure if she was doing this because her heart was in it, or because I was pinning her down. Maybe a little of both. But, all I wanted was for her to take action. Light a fire under her ass. I hoped that I succeeded.

So, I smiled. “Ok. That’s all I ask. I don’t want you to hold back from enjoying your life, so, yeah, I’ll get us a beach house and we can go to the Hamptons on weekends. And
Bonnaroo
, too. But you to also give this matter a ton of energy, or it will never get off the ground.”

She smiled back. “Thanks, Nick. I do appreciate all that you’re doing, and I will do my part. Even if I think that it’s fruitless, I have to try.”

Yes you do, Scotty. Yes, you do. Because if you don’t, there’s going to be hell to pay.

And it won’t be pretty.

Chapter 8

Scotty

I was waiting to talk to Adele for my daily session. After Nick and I had our words, I tried really hard to refocus on Mr. Lucas. I did. I went down to talk to Angie and I tried to demand that she take action. But that attempt felt half-hearted. I had no idea why. I guess because I felt that I was already defeated. I knew this song and dance all too well. I didn’t want to put all my effort into it, only to see the entire thing go down the drain. That would frustrate me immensely, and I felt that I would be so angry about that, I might never recover.

Just the same, Nick was right. He was absolutely right. I did need to give the prosecution of the bastard my all. So, I went down to the station, and waited to have words with Angie. Nick wasn’t with me, as he was working late. It was just as well, as I had to stand on my own two feet as some point in my life. No time like the present to do this, I thought.

So, I waited to talk to her, and I finally was able to.

“Scotty, hello,” she said. “Come on back.”

I followed her back to her dingy office, and she hurried threw some of her files on her desk onto the floor. “Sorry about this,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting anybody in right at this moment.”

“That’s okay,” I said politely. “I should have called beforehand.”

“So,” she said, digging around for my file. “Let’s see, your file is around here somewhere. Anyhow,” she said, as she continued to look through all her files for mine, “what can I do for you?”

“Well, it’s been several weeks. I’m nervous that I’m going to turn 24, and you know, you’re not going to be able to prosecute Mr. Lucas for what he did to me as a kid. Among other things.”

“Yeah,” she said, obviously not listening, as she was still looking for my file. Then she pressed the button on her phone. “Stephanie, do you happen to have the file for the Paul Lucas case?” She listened for a few minutes and nodded her head. “Bring it in, please.”

I fidgeted in my seat. This was not going well.

Angie looked at me, her hands crossed in front of her. I saw that she was trying hard to mask annoyance. She had a little facial tic that I hadn’t noticed before, and her smile was tight and forced.

Stephanie presently appeared with my file in her hand. “Here you go,” she said, looking at me.

“Thanks,” Angie said. “Okay, then, let’s see where we are here.” And she got quiet for a little while, as she read through what was in the file. She took a deep breath as she finally looked at me. “Okay, I’m so sorry. What were you saying earlier?”

“Well, I turn 24 in three more weeks. I was worried that he won’t be served in time, and he won’t be prosecuted for what he did to me when I was 13.”

Her face registered a slight grimace, but she recovered quickly. “Well, that’s a possibility. I’m not gonna lie. But, don’t worry, we have plenty of evidence of what happened to you recently.”

I was incredulous. “I don’t understand. I would think that the statute of limitations expiring would mean that this case would be a priority. You told me the last time I saw you that
you would make an arrest within days. Now it seems that no arrest will be made before my birthday. What gives?”

“It’s complicated,” she said. “That’s all I can tell you. But I’ll certainly keep you posted on the progress of the investigation.”

Having been blown off, I trudged to Adele’s office. I waited in her waiting room, flipping through magazines and trying to calm down. That was why I didn’t want to get more involved. I didn’t want to experience this kind of extreme frustration.

Finally, Adele called me into her office. She had just emerged with a patient who was crying hysterically. She had her arm around the patient sympathetically, and directed her to the receptionist who was poised to schedule another appointment.

“Scotty,” she said. “Come on in.”

I sat down. I was starting to really look forward to seeing Adele. At first, I thought that seeing her every day was overkill, but Nick had insisted on it, so I went along. I soon found that the continuity that was provided by daily therapy, as opposed to weekly, was something that was helpful in my recovery.

“So,” she said. “We’ve been talking a lot about your mother. How are you feeling about her now?”

“Well, I have to say that the CBT is really helping. I’ve been able to replace most of my negative thoughts about her with positive ones. Every time I started to think about how she neglected me and verbally abused me, I would instantly replace those ideas with the positive memories I had of her. And I’ve even been remembering an important day when she really tried to protect me. So, I’m gradually starting to get over
my feelings of hostility for my mother, which is helpful, because she talks to me through Skype once a week.”

“What is the new memory?” Adele asked me.

“Well, I remember that I overheard a conversation between her and my court appointed attorney. It was during one of the hearings that they had after I went to live with that man and Elle. I think I was around 11 or 12 at the time. It was before the pervert started doing things to me.”

Adele nodded her head. “Go on,” she said, scribbling in her notebook.

“I do remember that I was happy to see her. She didn’t usually show up to the status hearings. She claimed that she couldn’t get transportation, or some other excuse, but, really, I think that she was always too drunk to show up. But she did show on this day, and she looked pretty good.”

“Good in what way?”

“Well groomed, well dressed. She must have gone to the thrift store, because I remember that she was wearing a suit. Her hair was combed, and her eyes were focused. She didn’t smell like alcohol. It was as if, for that one day at least, she was really trying.”

I felt myself fidgeting, and I reached for a Kleenex. For some reason, the good memories of my mother made me cry even more than the bad ones. I guess because I had already cried all the tears that I was going to cry over the sad incidents.

Adele nodded her head. “So, this was a period where maybe you felt hopeful that she was trying to get you back. Like she managed to regain custody of you periodically throughout the years.”

“Well, yes. I mean, it broke my heart when she didn’t show to the hearings. I mean, I didn’t expect much from her. But she was my mother, and I would get so angry that she didn’t even
try. She couldn’t even get out of her alcohol-induced stupor for one day to show the court that she wanted me to come home. But, on that day, it seemed that she was going to try.”

“And why did you believe that she was going to try, when she had let you down so many times before?”

“I don’t know. It was funny, but, during her brief periods of sobriety, when she actually acted like a real mother, it was almost as if I forgot the way that she was when she was drunk. And, when she was drunk, I forgot how she was when she was sober. So, I think, on that day, I forgot about how she was always drunk and how she usually failed to show for the hearings, and imagined that she had turned a corner. That she would show up for the hearings, from that point on, in a suit and well-groomed and coherent.”

Adele nodded her head. “It’s a common phenomenon. The brain sometimes has difficulty processing memories which are contradictory to the present reality.”

“Yes. Well, anyhow. The conversation that I remember overhearing was her telling my court-appointed attorney that she didn’t trust Mr. Lucas. She told the attorney that she had ‘bad vibes’ about him, and she felt like he gave her the creeps.”

“And what did the attorney say to that?”

“Well, my attorney was really angry with my mom. As well she should have been, because my mom never showed up to hearings. And my attorney was kind of mouthy, too. She told it like it was. And my attorney told my mother that she didn’t get to express concern about my welfare, because she obviously didn’t care.”

“So, your attorney wasn’t responsive to what your mother was saying.”

“No. My attorney went on to tell my mother off some more. She told her that she was a ‘shitty mother,’ and she used those words exactly, and that Mr. Lucas and Elle were the ideal foster parents for me, and that she wasn’t going to listen to slander about one of the pillars of the community.”

“Okay,” Adele said. “And how did your mother react to what your attorney was saying?”

“Surprisingly enough, my mom refused to back down. She told my attorney that Mr. Lucas made her skin crawl, and that she was noticing that he was looking at me inappropriately. She said that she recognized the looks that Mr. Lucas was giving me, because they were the same looks that her own father gave her.”

To this, Adele looked surprised. “So, your mother was sexually abused by her own father?”

“You know, I don’t know. I somehow forgot that she said that to my attorney, about her own father, until just recently. It just hit me that my mother said that. And that’s one of the reasons why I am starting to forgive my mother more.”

“Because you realize that maybe she acted the way that she did because she had her own trauma,” Adele said, knowingly. “And you said that was just one of the reasons. What are the other ones?”

“Well, just the memory of how she fought for me that one day. She never really did before, so the fact that she did on that day is something that makes me forgive her more.”

“So, what was the outcome of your mother fighting for you?”

“Well, nothing. I mean, my mother had her own court-appointed attorney, of course, but that attorney was pissed at her too. For obvious reasons. So, during the hearing, I saw my mother nudge her attorney, time and again, and I saw her attorney telling her to be quiet. The judge asked my mother if she had a statement to make, and her attorney stood up and said ‘no, your honor.’”

“So, you’re remembering that your mother possibly was having words with her attorney about her concerns, but that her own attorney brushed her aside as well.”

“Yes. I would imagine that was what happened there.”

“And what happened after that with your mother?”

“Well, it turned out that was just an aberration. Because, the very next status hearing, her attorney was there, and she was not. Again.”

“Okay,” Adele said. “Now, your mother fought for you at other times during your life, too. You told me that she regained custody at different points of your life. Why does this particular memory stand out more than the other times that she was able to pull herself together and fight for you?”

“Well, I was younger those other times. I didn’t really know what was going on. At all. You have to remember, I was only 9 when my mother’s parental rights were severed. And it was all very confusing for me. I was always being pulled in every direction during my young childhood, it seems. I was with my mother for brief periods, then, boom, suddenly the people would come to the door, and off I would go. Sometimes my mother would scream and cry when I was taken away, and sometimes she would just stare at the people blankly. Other times, she was passed out, so she didn’t know I was being removed from the home again. So, I guess I was just so messed up during those periods that I didn’t really notice when she would get it together enough to get me back in the home. I didn’t really appreciate it.”

Adele nodded her head. “But, on this day, you noticed that she was trying again.”

“Yes. I was a little bit older, and I understood a few things a bit more than before. Like, I understood what it meant for my mother’s parental rights to be severed. And I understood more about her illness. So, yeah, I really did notice that she had cleaned up her act on that day, and I appreciated it more than I did in my earlier years.”

Adele shifted gears a little more. “So, let’s talk about what you have just now remembered about your mother. That she said something along the lines that her own father looked at her inappropriately. How does that affect how you feel about Loretta now?”

“Well, I always suspected that something had happened to her when she was younger. I mean, not always, but when I got old enough to understand more, I started to think about that. Really, when Mr. Lucas started sexually abusing me, I started to think about that more in earnest. Because I found myself wanting to drown what was happening in something. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to go down the same path as her. So, I started wondering if something had happened to her, the same as what had happened to me. Now, I think that maybe it did.”

“Okay,” she said. “And how has that realization affected the way that you see your mother now?”

“I have empathy for her. Having gone through what I went through, if there was even the slightest possibility that she went through the same thing, I understand why she was the way that she was. I don’t think that she could help it. Going through that is awful. Truly awful. And you want to escape, every day. Escape your own reality. Which is what she was doing all these years.”

“What about what you said in our first session? That you hated her for even having children?”

“I don’t anymore. I think that she just wasn’t together enough to try to prevent pregnancy. You know, she wasn’t living in reality, so she couldn’t think about pragmatic concerns such as taking birth control. As to why she never got her tubes tied, I don’t know about that. Perhaps she really did want children.”

Adele watched me carefully, as she took her notes. “So, you have come to an understanding about your mother. And what are positive affirmations you tell yourself when you start to think negatively about her?”