Esrever Doom (Xanth) (26 page)

“Off the record,” Dawn agreed with a smile. “Your folks need not know.”

“Next year when I’m eighteen, I’ll marry him. Then no one can tell us no.”

“No one,” Dawn agreed. “No one was able to stop me from marrying a walking skeleton, either.”

So the several princesses knew what was going on, and kept the secret, in the conspiracy of youth. So would Kody and his companions.

“We are there,” Dawn said.

“In Counter Xanth?” Yukay asked, surprised.

“Yes.”

“But we haven’t gone anywhere!”

“Look out the window.”

They looked out. The entire landscape had changed. Now it was weird.

“So Caprice Castle faded out and faded in, and we’re there,” Yukay said in wonder. “I never felt a thing.”

“That is the nature of it,” Dawn agreed. “Now we don’t want to go outside, because we are unused to the type of reversals that exist here. But that’s no problem; Cyrus will come in.”

“I’ll fetch him,” Rhythm said, and vanished, literally.

“Those three princesses,” Kody said. “I understood that no person had more than one magic talent in Xanth, but they seem to have many.”

“They are general-purpose Sorceresses,” Dawn explained. “Whatever they sing and play together can become real. They have sung up a number of spot spells they can call on at need. Rhythm just used one of them. She’s the drummer; her talent is drumming things real. But with a prepared spell she merely thinks the drumbeat and accomplishes it.”

“I’m impressed,” Kody said.

“Sorceresses are impressive, however young and innocent they may choose to appear,” Yukay said. “It is best for the rest of us never to forget it.”

Kody knew that was a serious warning.

“Even so, the triplets are special,” Dawn said. “Each is a Sorceress in her own right, but when two of them get together their power is squared, and when all three focus, it is cubed. When they took on Ragna Roc, who had similar power, nothing seemed to be happening, but the very blocks of his castle melted from the force of the warring magics.”

Very serious. Even the Sorceress Princess Dawn was evidently careful not to annoy the triplets.

Rhythm reappeared. This time a man was beside her. He looked distinctly ordinary, but there was a slightly mechanical slant to him, as if he was partly made of metal. This had to be Cyrus.

“They have a Robot Bomb Sniffer in a box,” Rhythm said. “Some Assembly Required.”

“Which means that no one in his right mind can do it,” Cyrus said with a knowledgeable smile.

“Fortunately Cyrus has never been in his right mind,” Rhythm said fondly.

“I fell in love with you,” Cyrus retorted.

“Which proves it.”

“Touché,” he agreed. He examined the spread contents of the box. “First, we’ll just ignore the instructions; they are never much good, being written by angry elves in Mundania who want to be sure that no one else has any fun.”

“I like this man,” Kody murmured to Zosi.

Cyrus began putting parts together, and Rhythm helped him, seeming to know what he needed when. “We’ll need a small supply of dry firewood.”

“Firewood?” Kody asked, surprised.

Cyrus glanced at him. “You have not had experience with robots?”

“Not with magic ones.”

“Ah. They burn wood.”

Wood-burning robots!

“We’ll fetch some,” Piton and Data said together. They dashed out, accompanied by the pups.

“If I may ask,” Kody said, “how did you first get together with Rhythm? I understand she was only twelve at the time.”

“I’m not sure I’m supposed to tell. I got banished for it.”

“
I’ll
tell,” Rhythm said. “They can’t banish
me
. Cyrus is a playwright. He’s good at it. I was part of the troupe. I admired his ability. I got a girlish crush on him.”

“Girls do,” Yukay said.

“I got him alone and told him. But he brushed me off. ‘You’re a child!’ he told me, as if I didn’t know. So I was a girl scorned.”

Cyrus smiled as they worked. “Later I learned the three rules of romance: never scorn a woman, even a young one. Or a princess. Especially a Sorceress.”

“Three strikes,” Kody agreed.

“So I invoked a spell to make me twenty-two for an hour, busted out of my clothing, put my arms around him, and leaped into a love spring.” Rhythm smiled reminiscently. “That fixed him. That hour left him passionately in love with a woman who wouldn’t exist for ten years.”

“It has been only five years,” Cyrus said. “But you resemble her a lot.”

“Are you flirting with me?” she asked archly.

“If I say no, will you feel scorned?”

“Yes.”

“Then I wouldn’t dare.”

Rhythm frowned prettily. “Are you going to kiss me?”

Cyrus looked around as if nervous. “Will anyone tell?”

“No,” Dawn said.

Cyrus stood up and kissed Rhythm. They made a lovely couple, and were obviously deeply in love. Little hearts radiated out and circled around them.

“Later I learned it wasn’t really a love spring,” Cyrus said as the hearts cleared. “But it was too late.”

“It was too late the moment I got my crush,” Rhythm said as they went back to work. “I was going to cast my spell on you one way or another.”

They continued assembling the robot, which was rapidly taking shape as a doglike device with small wheels for feet and an antenna for a nose.

“Are you going to kiss me?” Zosi asked Kody, taking his hand. “Even if there’s not a love spring here?”

Kody was discovering the joys of flirting for himself. “Will you feel scorned if I don’t?”

“I may.”

“Will anyone tell?”

“Yes,” Dawn said with a straight face. The others laughed. They knew he had no way out.

Kody embraced her. She was delightful to hold and kiss, and he could no longer pretend he didn’t love her. And when it ended, there were the little hearts.

But his time in Xanth remained limited. Where would their love be when he was recalled to Mundania? That haunted him. He had killed Naomi physically. Was he destined to kill Zosi emotionally?

“It’s done,” Cyrus announced, standing back from the assembled robot. “Now we need the fuel to animate it. Once it has a fire in its belly, it will come alive, as it were.”

Kody realized that life could be hard to define, in a land where even inanimate things could have feelings.

The children and dogs returned, hauling a bundle of dry sticks. Maybe they had been waiting for the announcement.

Cyrus opened a door in the sniffer’s side, revealing a metallic cavity. He put in several sticks and some dry moss. Then Rhythm snapped her fingers, making a spark, and the moss caught fire. She blew on it, and it blazed up through the sticks. She shut the door. Smoke came out of the sniffer’s rear end. Then its head section lifted and looked around. “Woof!” it said.

“Woof!” Wolfe and Rowena answered together, and the two children clapped their little hands. The sniffer was functional.

“This is Kody Mundane,” Cyrus said, indicating Kody. “He is your master. He will take care of you and tell you what to sniff.”

The sniffer’s head turned to gaze at Kody. That was all.

“It understands human speech?” Kody asked.

“Yes. This model is unable to talk, but its brain unit is fully equipped to understand. It will be operative as long as you maintain its fire. The fire generates smoke and steam to do the work.”

“That’s science!”

“Which is the form of magic Mundania uses,” Cyrus agreed. “Give it a directive.”

“The Bomb,” Kody said. “Find the Bomb.”

Immediately the sniffer was scrambling for the door.

“Not yet!” Kody said hastily. “Right now, just stop and point your nose toward it.”

The robot stopped. It sniffed the air. Then its nose pointed directly toward Princess Dawn.

“Believe me, I am not the one you seek,” Dawn said, laughing.

“I think I have it,” Yukay said. “You did not sufficiently define ‘Bomb.’ Princess Dawn is one of the most beautiful women in Xanth. The fact that most folk see her as ugly right now does not change the underlying fact.”

“A bombshell,” Kody breathed.

“A type of bomb, to be sure,” Cyrus agreed.

And things tended to be literal in Xanth. “A more, um, functional Bomb,” Kody said. “One that affects people.”

The robot sniffed the air again. Then it pointed to Cyrus.

“I’m not a bomb,” Cyrus protested.

“Maybe you are,” Rhythm said. “Remember that last play you wrote? The one that did not do well?”

“It bombed,” Cyrus agreed ruefully. “It affected many people negatively.”

Kody cast about for a better description. “We don’t know exactly how the Bomb works. Maybe it affects the air, diffusing throughout Xanth.”

The sniffer walked to the corner of the room. There was a little device emitting sweet-smelling mist.

“That’s our aerosol bomb,” Dawn said.

“Let me try something,” Yukay said. She rummaged in her purse and brought out what looked like a tube of lipstick. She applied it to her lips.

The robot turned to face her, its nose pointing to her face.

“Squawk!” Zap exclaimed.

“Lip bomb,” Zosi echoed.

“Don’t you mean lip balm?” Kody asked. “I heard the variant spelling, but it doesn’t make sense.”

Yukay glanced at Zosi. “May I?”

“Do it,” Zosi agreed, seeming to suppress a laugh.

Yukay approached Kody. “Brace yourself,” she said. “This will blow you away.” Then she kissed him.

It was like a concussion grenade detonating. Kody picked himself up off the floor across the room. “What happened?” he asked dazedly. He wasn’t hurt, but the impact had been considerable.

“She kissed you with the lip bomb,” Zosi explained. “It blew you away.”

Another pun. “It blew me away,” he agreed.

“I believe we are done here,” Cyrus said.

“Thank you so much for your help,” Kody said. “I doubt we could have assembled it without your expertise.”

“You are welcome. It was a pleasure meeting you. I hope you succeed in saving Xanth.”

Then Rhythm took Cyrus’s arm, and the two of them vanished.

“You are welcome to stay here in Caprice Castle,” Dawn said. “But you may prefer to get out in regular Xanth, where you can remain in one place, and practice with the sniffer. You will want to understand it well before you actually zero in on the Bomb.”

That did make sense. “Then I think it is time for us to depart,” Kody said. “With our thanks.”

“It has been a pleasure,” Dawn said. “Especially because I know you see me as I am. I do grow tired of seeing men turn ill with disgust when they look at me.”

“We shall do our best to abate the Curse,” Kody said.

“I’m sure you will,” she agreed. “Now Caprice will drop you off in the area you prefer. Where would that be?”

“Panhandle Xanth,” Kody said promptly. “We have determined that the Bomb is most likely there.”

“You may exit now, then. But beware; my reading of Naomi indicated that her other ego is a vicious creature. A naga, but opposite in personality. She will not give warning or strike slowly. Be constantly on guard.”

“We’ll try to be,” Kody agreed.

They left the castle, which now nestled in a pleasantly rolling landscape behind a beach and ocean shore.

“Now I think we need three things,” Yukay said. “Practice, a safe place for the night, and a clearer understanding of interpersonal relationships.”

“I think Zosi and I are an, um, item,” Kody said.

“Which leaves Ivan for me,” Yukay said. “That will do.”

“It will?” Ivan asked. “I know you’re pretty in real life, but right now you don’t appeal to me at all.”

“Let’s experiment a bit.” She turned to Kody. “You won’t mind a small delay while we sort this out?”

Kody was curious what she had in mind. “I won’t mind.”

“Then flip me a chip.”

He conjured a chip and flipped it to her. Yukay caught it. Nothing happened.

Then she spoke. “Thanks for nothing, you ignorant Mundane. I thought those chips were real. This is useless.”

“Yukay—” Zosi began, upset.

“Stay out of this, you refugee from the graveyard. It’s a wonder you’re not dropping stinking clods all around.”

“Squawk!”

“You too, birdbrain. This is none of your business.”

Ivan shook his head. “Now you’re as ugly verbally as you are physically.”

“Yeah, meat-face? You’re no prize yourself. What did I ever think I saw in you, you lousy loser?”

Kody thought of something. “Ditch the chip!”

“You bet, chip-faker.” She threw the chip to the ground, where it struck a star-shaped flower. The flower glowed brightly, swelled up, pulled a pistol, and started firing wildly around, so that they all had to duck.

Then the chip dropped to the ground, fell into a crack, and was lost.

Yukay stared after it. “That chip converted a star jasmine flower into a shooting star,” she said. “It was potent after all.”

“It was,” Kody agreed. “When you held it, it reversed your normally pleasant nature, and made you into a grouch.”

“So it did,” she agreed, chagrined. “I insulted everyone. I take it all back; I didn’t mean any of it.”

“Reverse wood reverses in different ways,” Kody said. “I never know exactly what to expect.”

“I wanted it to reverse my appearance,” Yukay said. “Not my nature.”

“Let me try it,” Ivan said. “The Curse affects the seer, not the seen. Maybe a chip would make me appreciate you.”

“You’re right,” Yukay said. “It’s how you see me that I want to change.”

Ivan held out his hand, and Kody flipped a chip to it. Ivan caught it. “Oh, gee,” he said bashfully. “I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl, if—” He cut off, blushing.

“Instead of bold, you’re shy,” Yukay said. “Drop the chip.”

Ivan did, taking care to drop it on bare ground, not a flower. “That was weird,” he said. “I bleeping well
would
know what to do with a girl, if I had one.”

“Does a chip always reverse the same way for the same person?” Zosi asked.

“I don’t know,” Kody admitted. “I haven’t experimented all that much.”

“Maybe you should,” Yukay said. “Because it may be your main weapon against NoAmi, when you face her. You need to know what the potentials are, and be ready to follow up on any of them.” She took a breath. “Now flip me another.”