Esrever Doom (Xanth) (19 page)

“Still, Zap might deliver such a sandwich.”

“Test one,” Ivan suggested.

Zosi conjured a sandwich and set it down on the ground. Kody conjured a chip. He flipped the chip onto the sandwich. It bounced off, struck the ground, and splintered into dust.

Nothing happened to the sandwich.

“Squawk, as Zap would say,” Ivan said.

Yukay looked at him. “You say it changed? You can smell it?”

“Yes. It’s different.”

Now Kody smelled it too. “Gasoline!” he said. He picked up the sandwich, carefully, and pulled it open. “Jellied gasoline! I had forgotten about that. Zosi can make them directly.”

“What is that?” Ivan asked.

“An extremely dangerous and ugly weapon, in Mundania. They put it in bombs, and when they detonate they spray gasoline all around, and it burns the skin off any people nearby. It doesn’t kill them immediately, just burns off their skin. Slow death by torture.”

“I wouldn’t much like Mundania,” Yukay said, shuddering.

“But if that sandwich got tossed down the throat of the dragon…” Ivan said.

They looked at each other. “I think we’ve got our weapon,” Kody said.

“Assuming Zap could deliver it,” Yukay said.

Ivan shook his head. “Uh-oh.”

“What?” Kody asked.

“I have come to know her somewhat,” Ivan said. “Zap is a pacifist. She doesn’t believe in killing. Not even dragons. That’s her problem as a griffin.”

“That’s right!” Yukay agreed. “That soul she got really messes her up, in griffin terms. It makes her nice for us, but she’s no fighter now.”

“Scratch one notion,” Kody agreed. “It also occurs to me that though it might work on a fire dragon, it probably wouldn’t on a smoker. Not enough heat to detonate it, without a primer.”

“We’ve got to think of something else,” Yukay said.

Kody walked in a circle, concentrating. A bulb flashed over his head.

“What?” Ivan asked.

“When I was talking with Zosi I saw something.”

Yukay frowned, her eyes flicking down toward her bosom. “I could have shown you more.”

Zosi blushed. Kody would have preferred that she hadn’t, as it tended to give away their activity. Yukay had made a shrewd guess.

“I saw a No Smoking sign. Given the way things tend to be literal in Xanth, could that be serious?”

Yukay considered it. “No Smoking—as in dragon breath? I don’t know what it would mean in Mundania, but yes, that well might be its effect.”

“So if we could deliver that sign to the dragon’s nest, that might deprive it of its main weapon. Without actually hurting it, so Zap would not have to be concerned.”

“That might be,” Yukay said. “But Naomi would still be confined to the nest, and that dragon would still be formidable. We would need more.”

“Could Zap carry my weight, flying? So I could get close and flip a chip at the dragon? That might turn it into a worm.”

“She might. But you don’t want to get smoked before you get there. And if you did, and flipped your chip, it still might reverse the dragon in some other way, like making it a fire breather instead of a smoker.”

“Still, it may be our best chance. I’ll fetch the sign.” Kody headed off to the copse. Zosi did not go with him; she remained embarrassed. Still, that might be better than guilt.

He found the sign and brought it back. As he walked, he saw the griffin in the sky, returning. She had something in her beak. A piece of paper.

Zap landed about the same time as Kody got back. She presented the paper to him. He took it and found that it was a note.

To Whom It May Concern: If you want your sweet innocent girl back in that condition, bring a ransom of a bushel of diamonds to my nest before the day is out. Otherwise I will ravish her and then consume her as smoked meat. You will know when that happens by her piercing screams. Signed Dread Dragon.

PS—The goblins have bushels of diamonds, but I can’t get into their mound. I hope for my captive’s sake that you can. She looks delicious.

“It’s a ransom note!” Kody exclaimed.

“That’s a first,” Yukay said. “Usually dragons eat first and talk after.”

“How did you get the note, Zap?” Zosi asked the griffin.

It took a bit of dialogue, but they learned that when Zap approached the nest the dragon had signaled in Winged Monster Lingo to approach. It seemed that winged monsters had a policy of not interfering with each other unless absolutely necessary. This applied to all winged monsters, including flying centaurs and winged goblin girls, who did not regard the appellation as derogatory. Violation of the honor code could bring savage reprisals by the Winged Monster authorities, so as a general rule, one winged monster could trust another. So Zap had approached, and the dragon had given her the ransom note. Such a truce did not extend to non-winged monsters, so Naomi had no protection. Neither did the rest of them.

Kody was not comfortable with any of this. “What’s it like, dealing with goblins?”

“Bad,” Yukay said. “The girls are pretty and sweet, but the men are ugly, vicious, greedy, horny, and treacherous. Zosi and I would not dare to go near a goblin mound, and it wouldn’t be safe for the rest of you either, for different reasons.”

“Do they really have bushels of diamonds?”

“They could. But there’s no price we could pay to get them legitimately. We would have to steal them or take them by force, and that would not be likely.”

“Yet we shall have to try. We can’t just leave Naomi to her dreadful fate.”

Yukay shook her head. “We may not have a choice.”

“There’s always a choice,” Kody said. “I will go talk with the goblins. Maybe they will be reasonable.”

“You plainly have had no experience with goblins.”

“Correct. Where is this goblin mound?”

“Squawk,” Zap said, gesturing with a wing.

Now Kody saw a mound in the distance. The griffin must have spotted it by air. “Thank you.” He nerved himself and started walking toward it.

“No!” Yukay, Zosi, and Ivan said together, and Zap squawked.

“I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try,” Kody said, maintaining his pace.

The others hurried to accompany him. “At least formulate a plan of escape when it doesn’t work,” Yukay said. “So that you don’t wind up in the goblin’s cookpot.”

“Well, I do have my reverse wood chips.”

“Against one or two goblins those might work,” she agreed. “Not against hundreds.”

“So what do you recommend?”

“Cherries and pineapples.”

“What, do they like fruit?”

“I keep forgetting that you really aren’t from Xanth,” Yukay said, frustrated. “Those are explosive fruits. Cherry bombs are small ones, and pineapples are larger ones. Lay down a barrage of those, and the goblins might show a little respect.”

“Maybe sandwiches,” Zosi said.

The others looked at her.

“With jellied gasoline.”

“Oho!” Yukay said. “That just might do it. Let a few goblins get their heads blown off, and the others just might possibly begin to see reason.”

“Squawk!” Zap protested.

“Look, Zap,” Yukay said reasonably. “You know that goblins respect only unsubtle brute force. This may be that.”

“Squawk.”

“You’re as oink-headed as Kody is,” Ivan said. “You know she’s right.”

The griffin acknowledged that, but still did not like the violence.

“Maybe you should talk to her, Kody,” Yukay said in a mock-serious tone. “You seem to have a touch.”

Zosi blushed again.

Was that a challenge? He was beginning to recognize that it would be necessary to bargain from strength, whether with dragons or goblins, and a pacifist griffin would be a liability. “All right.”

“Squawk?”

“Zap, I think you have a misapprehension about having a soul. Many souled folk are not pacifists and do not deplore violence. What the soul contributes is the
capacity
for decency that is often unexploited. Consider the goblins: they are little humanoids, are they not? Therefore they have souls, no? But are they pacifists?”

Yukay and Ivan burst out laughing, and even Zosi smiled. He had made a point. “You want to be decent, and that’s commendable. But you are a griffin. Decency in griffins should not have the same meaning it does in straight human folk, or in goblins. It would be more like the honor code of warriors. Like the Winged Monster code. Tough love.”

“Squawk,” Zap said thoughtfully.

“Violence with honor, when required,” Kody continued. “The ability to kill or be killed, but never carelessly or treacherously. Only when it is called for to oppose indecency. Such as when goblins are about to rape an innocent maiden.”

“Squawk,” Zap agreed, suffering the revelation.

“Jellied gasoline sandwiches are weapons, to be used only in warfare. But if goblins attack and refuse to see reason, such weapons may be in order. We will try to negotiate honorably with the goblins. Only if we are met with dishonor will we resort to the sandwiches. With luck they won’t be necessary.” He smiled. “For one thing, we still have to figure out how to ignite them.”

Zap nodded. She was reluctantly ready to go along.

“One detail you may have overlooked,” Yukay said. “You speak of negotiation. To do that we have to have something the goblins want, and I don’t mean our bodies for fun and food. What do we have to offer?”

She had him there. “You are too bleeping smart,” Kody said, disgruntled. “I’m stumped. Do you have a suggestion?”

“Yes. I don’t think it will work, goblins being what they are, but you are welcome to try. It is this: your mission to abolish the Curse will benefit goblins too. So they should try to facilitate it. We need to rescue Naomi to restore our party. So they should contribute their token bit. Like a bushel of diamonds.”

“It’s a notion,” he agreed. “Zosi, if you will make some sandwiches, I’ll add chips. And little stones that might strike sparks. Maybe the combination will make them capable of detonation. So we’ll have a defense mechanism if we need it.”

“You’ll need a bag,” Yukay said. She removed her skirt.

“What are you doing?” Kody asked, taken aback.

“Making a bag.” She snapped edges together, and held it out.

“But your legs!” They were great legs.

“Will nauseate goblins, same as the rest of us. Because of the Curse.”

She was correct. But she was also perilously close to exposing her panties, barely covered by her shirt. Her reason made sense, but was she also using it as a pretext to flash him, knowing his immunity to the Curse? She might still have seduction in mind, unaware how serious he had gotten about Zosi.

“Too bad the Curse prevents you from flashing the goblins,” he said. “To freak them out. That would be a useful weapon.”

“Believe me, I and every pretty girl in Xanth truly misses that weapon.”

“If I turned zombie, I would be ugly,” Zosi said. “Then maybe I could freak out some.”

“You could,” Yukay said seriously. “But I think not ugly enough. Better not to risk it.”

Zosi conjured a dozen sandwiches, and Kody flipped a dozen reverse wood chips into them, plus sharp-edged pebbles, and put them carefully into the bag. The odor of gasoline grew strong, but nothing exploded. Kody took the bag and carried it with a very gentle grip.

They resumed their walk toward the goblin mound. They came to a sign saying
GODDAM GOBLINS. STRANGERS UNWELCOME
.

Just so.

They came near the mound. It was swarming with goblins. The men were ugly runts with big heads and big feet. The women were like lovely dolls. But of course to each other they looked the opposite. “Bleep,” Kody muttered. “I wish I could see them as others see them, if only for a moment.”

“Try this,” Yukay said, proffering her little mirror. “Maybe a Xanth mirror will show what Xanthians see.”

He held up the mirror and angled it to reflect the mound and the goblins on it. And was amazed. Now the males were handsome creatures, and the females were little hags, even though their actual features were only reversed, not changed. That was how they looked to each other. “Thanks,” he said, returning the mirror.

In half a moment the goblins spotted them. “Fresh meat!” one shouted. In the other half of the moment their party was ringed by male goblins.

“What the bleep are you bleeps doing here?” their leader demanded.

“Hello, Goddam Goblins,” Kody said politely. “We are a party on a special Quest, and we need your help. We have come to negotiate for it.”

“Har har har!” Several goblins actually fell over laughing. Only their appearance had been reversed, not their nature.

“Too bad your hags are so ugly,” the leader said. “They won’t even do for sport. But they should taste good enough.”

“Aren’t you even going to listen to my pitch?” Kody asked, nettled.

“Why should we? Your jokes are funny, but now we’re hungry.” He looked around. “Grab ’em. Get the pots hot. Get ropes to lasso the griffin before it flies off.”

“But we’ve got sandwiches,” Kody protested. “A whole bag full of them.”

“Gimme those,” the leader said, snatching the bag from his hand. He tore it open and pulled out a sandwich. “Smells great.” He stuffed it in his mouth. In a quarter of a moment he had swallowed it, pretty much whole.

Nothing happened. Certainly no explosions.

The other goblins ripped into the bag, hauling out sandwiches and cramming them into their mouths. They evidently liked the gasoline taste. But why were they unaffected?

“Maybe the chips are touching the bread,” Yukay murmured. “And not the goblins. Because of the way they eat.”

Then the leader produced a bottle of brown liquid, probably boot rear, and swigged it as a chaser to his sandwich. The others followed suit. The leader let out a resounding belch.

Then he looked odd. So did the others. Kody wasn’t sure exactly what had changed, but something had.

“They’re reversing!” Yukay said. “They’re looking ugly again.”

Kody was glad she had defined it, because they looked the same to Kody. The oddness was in their expressions.

The goblins looked at each other. “We’re back!” one exclaimed.

It seemed the reverse wood chips inside them were reversing the reversal of the Curse. Could this be an answer to the Curse?