Esrever Doom (Xanth) (16 page)

“Squawk.”

“So we’re all agreed. We’ll tell King Trent when we see him.”

Kody raised his voice. “King Trent, sir.”

In a generous moment Trent appeared. “Yes?”

“We have solved the puzzle and believe it is fair. Most men won’t think of nymph’s slippers, and few of those who do will have the wit to avoid freaking out. Most women won’t think of ogre’s mouths, and fewer yet will go near them. But some will. The first of those will be your winners.”

“Thank you,” Trent said. “This way to your quarters for the night.”

He ushered them to a nice cabin, big enough for six. “It is stocked; you should have no trouble.”

They entered. Indeed, it was a very fancy cabin with five beds and a mound of straw for Zap. The central table was piled with delicious-looking food that was not illusion. It was evident that royalty knew how to provide for guests.

The three princesses appeared. “We’re sorry we couldn’t tell you about the contest,” Melody said.

“But at least now you know why,” Harmony added.

“We’re glad you figured it out and got your group complete,” Rhythm concluded.

“We understand,” Kody said. “Thank you.”

“Welcome,” the three said together, and vanished.

“Let’s eat,” Yukay said. “Then take turns with the shower, ignoring bodies, as before.” She glanced around. “Anyone have a problem with that?”

Kody might have, but decided not to make an issue. There had been problems enough to fill the day, and he just wanted to eat, clean up, and sleep.

7

H
ADES

The way out was simple, once arranged: a white line originating where they stood showed a winding route, guaranteed safe, to the edge of Illusion Fields. It vanished behind them, being one-way. Soon they were back in Xanth-normal.

“Now we are out,” Yukay said. “Anyone is free to go her own way.”

Naomi eyed her with a cutting-edged glance. “And what do you mean by that?”

Yukay shrugged. “I was just making an observation.”

“So anyone is free to go, or to remain with this Quest?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Even if on occasion she accidentally flashes someone?” Naomi’s blouse dropped down as her upper body became serpentine, but did not rise again as she restored her human form. Ivan turned away, repulsed. Kody turned away, fascinated.

“Even then,” Yukay agreed tightly.

“Then I have nowhere else to go until I locate the nagahide poacher.”

“And I have nowhere to go regardless,” Ivan said.

“Then it seems we travel as a group,” Yukay said, resigned. “Now we have to decide where to go.”

Kody brought out the chessboard. “Anywhere far from here.”

Naomi and Ivan soon learned to see the pictures. “Those places look pretty wild,” Ivan said. “Except this one.” He pointed at a mini-scene of a path leading to an elaborate castle.

“Don’t touch it!” Yukay snapped.

“Why not?”

“It will take you there, alone, maybe with the chessboard along. Then the rest of us will be spiraled.”

“Will be what?” Ivan asked.

“That’s my cue!” The demoness Metria appeared. “Rotated, turned, spun, revolved, ratcheted, tightened—”

“Screwed?”

“Whatever,” Metria agreed crossly. “What’s going on here?”

“I was attempting to avoid a vulgar term,” Yukay said.

“That’s dull.” The demoness faded out.

“It seems she is interested only in interesting things,” Kody said.

“I won’t touch the board,” Ivan agreed. “But if we go anywhere, that looks nicer than the others.”

Kody had to agree. “We don’t want to get caught in a stink hole again.”

“Why do we need to travel?” Ivan asked.

“We are trying to locate the source of the Curse,” Kody explained. “I see things as they are; the rest of you see them reversed, or at least react to them that way. We believe the effect will be strongest near the source. So we need to orient on stronger effects.”

“Ah, now I get it. So when Naomi flashes us with her bare bosom, you really are liking it.”

That was an issue worth avoiding. “I see her as she is, yes.”

“Well, I can’t wait to turn off the Curse. I don’t like being sickened when I know I should be freaking.”

“None of us do,” Yukay said. “Objectively I know you are both handsome men, but the sight of you repulses me.”

“Which really complicates social interactions,” Zosi said. “We all repel each other, except for Kody.”

“So if we want to impress him,” Naomi said, “all we need to do is choke down our revulsion and pretend to be turned on by him.”

Still worth avoiding. “Let’s try that castle,” Kody said.

They gathered into a reasonably tight ball, and Zap pecked at the picture.

They stood on the path leading to the castle. But now that they were in the scene, they saw a good deal more than the picture had shown. The castle was more distant than it had appeared, and the path was narrower. It was also surrounded by weird scenery. Great gnarled trees seemed to be reaching for the path without quite touching it, and hungry-looking weeds jammed up against its edges.

“Where the hell are we?” Kody asked.

“You are close,” Yukay said. “This looks very much like Hades.”

“The abode of the dead?”

“Yes. The souls of people who die come here, where they are I think reeducated. They aren’t allowed to depart for choicer realms until they are worthy of it, and some are very slow reformers. It is not a very nice place.”

“Oh?” Ivan said. “That creature looks nice enough.”

They looked. There was a lovely nymph in quite scanty apparel, beckoning enticingly. She did a slow dance with her hips, swirled her long dark hair around, and kicked up one nice bare leg. She smiled invitingly.

“Don’t fall for it,” Yukay said. “We must be on an enchanted path where the spirits can’t reach us, so they will try to tempt us off it. But the moment any of us leaves the path, the protection is gone. I understand it’s a lot easier to get into Hades than it is to get out of it.”

“There is something else,” Kody said. “That nymph looks luscious to me. She does to you too?”

“You bet,” Ivan said.

“She looks lovely to me too,” Naomi said.

“The mood reverse is not working here!” Yukay said.

They were all surprised. Then Zap figured it out. “Squawk!” On her side was printed
OUTSIDE XANTH.

“That must be it,” Yukay agreed. “Hades is its own domain. The Curse applies only to regular Xanth.”

“So if we want to be free of it,” Zosi said, “all we have to do is go to Hades.”

They all laughed, including Zap’s squawk. Then another glance circulated.

“No,” Yukay finally said. “Only the dead go to Hades to stay. We don’t want to die.”

“We don’t,” Ivan agreed. “It is too high a price to pay to escape the Curse.”

A handsome man appeared, opening his arms to the ladies. “Oh, my,” Yukay breathed. “He
is
enticing.”

And a male griffin, addressing himself to Zap. “Squawk,” she said appreciatively.

Yukay bought herself up short, visibly. “Remember, crossing the line may be death. We do not want to do it. We need to get out of here before any of us forget that.”

The others agreed, shuddering.

The dusky nymph before Ivan turned to face away from him. Was she going?

Then she caught the hem of her short skirt and lifted it.

“Cover your eyes!” Kody said, averting his own eyes.

Too late. Ivan had freaked as the nymph’s panties showed.

Yukay went to him and put her hands over his eyes. Zosi snapped her fingers.

Ivan woke. “I must go to her,” he said huskily.

“You’ll do no such thing,” Yukay said. “She’s not worth dying for.” She addressed the others. “As I said, we need to get out of here in a hurry.”

Kody brought out the chessboard and focused. But something was wrong. “I can’t see the pictures. Only the chess pieces.”

“Take it over here, Zosi,” Yukay said. Zosi went to hold her hands before Ivan’s eyes so he could not see the infernal nymph, and Yukay came to look at the board. “Bleep!” she swore. “Hades has an interference pattern. We can’t use it to get out. We’ll have to follow the path.”

“But first, let’s check the divergence,” Zosi said. “Oh, wait—we can’t.”

“We can’t?” Yukay asked.

“Because now we’re aligned.”

“She’s right,” Kody said. “The rest of you are seeing things as I do. No divergence.”

“Then it is
really
time to get out of here,” Yukay said. “Before Hades pulls another fast one.”

“Which way?” Kody asked.

“Away from the castle, I think,” Yukay said. “The path must lead from outside Hades.”

They followed it, keeping their eyes off the beckoning distractions on either side. Soon they came to a dark river. The path led up to it and stopped.

“Oh, bleep!” Yukay swore again. “The River Styx. We can’t wade or swim across; there’s Lethe water in it that will make us forget everything.”

“Isn’t there a ferry to cross the river?” Kody asked.

“Yes. But do you think the Ferryman will convey us
out
? I understand the Ferryman makes demands, especially of the ladies.”

Kody sighed. “Then we’ll have to try the castle.”

“Maybe that’s not so bad,” Yukay said. “I just remembered: Princess Eve married the Demon Pluto and has a castle in Hades that caters to the living. She should help us.”

“Chances are that’s the castle we saw,” Naomi said. “We have only to reverse our course.”

“I hope it’s that easy,” Ivan said. “I have a bad feeling about this place.”

“Squawk,” Zap agreed.

They reversed course and walked along the path toward the castle. They had less trouble now, as they were more proficient in not looking at the distractions.

Then the path divided into three. They were labeled Primrose, Good Intentions, and Eightfold. “Uh-oh,” Ivan said. “I don’t believe this split was here before.”

“Squawk.”

“I fear Hades is proactive,” Yukay said. “If the temptations don’t lure us astray, it tries something else.”

“So which one goes to the castle?” Naomi asked. “And just where do the other two go?”

“I’ve done puzzles in Mundania,” Kody said. “This isn’t quite the same, but I suspect that whichever path we take will be the wrong one, and that finding our way back to the fork will not be easy. It puts me in mind of the shyster who puts a pea under one of three cups. I fear it will be a mistake to take any of these paths alone.”

“I am not following you,” Yukay said. “Your logic, I mean.”

“Good thing you made that qualification,” Naomi said. “You have been eying him all along, especially now that you can see him unreversed.”

“And you haven’t?”

“Uh, girls, maybe you should cool it,” Ivan said. “It isn’t as if you couldn’t get the attention of another man if you tried.”

The girls shared a significant glance. “The one who doesn’t nab number one nabs number two?” Naomi asked.

“Why not?” Yukay answered.

They shook hands.

“Well, now we know where we stand,” Ivan said to Kody. “Incidental prizes.”

“So do you have a way to handle it?” Zosi asked. “The split, I mean.”

Kody was glad for the reversion to the original problem. He was on the one hand flattered by the attention of the two pretty women, but also wary of it. “I think we should try all three paths simultaneously. That way Hades can’t play hide-the-pea with us, to our detriment. One of the paths has to be it.”

“We can form three teams,” Yukay said. “But what happens to the two teams that go wrong?”

“When they realize they are wrong, they retreat to the fork, meet each other there, and take the right path, now knowing which one it is. The team on the right path remains in place, anchoring it, until rejoined by the others. Then we all proceed to the castle together.”

The girls nodded. “That works for me,” Naomi said.

“Then do me the honor of being my teammate,” Yukay said.

“Gladly.” They moved together to the one on the left, the Primrose Path.

“They have neatly fixed it so that neither gets to go with you,” Ivan murmured. “No unfair advantage. An easy but temporary fix.”

Which meant Kody would have to go with Ivan, Zap, or Zosi.

“Squawk,” Zap said to Ivan.

“Okay,” Ivan agreed, amused. They moved to the center path, Good Intentions. Kody saw that it was paved, with every block bearing its name.

“It seems we are the leftovers,” Kody said to Zosi.

“I am sorry about that,” she said.

“Don’t be. I was trying to be humorous.” They took the right-side path, Eightfold.

The three teams moved out, and soon lost sight of each other, as capering demons filled the spaces between paths.

This path, too, was paved.
RIGHT VIEWS, RIGHT ASPIRATIONS, RIGHT SPEECH
. “This is weird,” Zosi said.

“I am not familiar with Oriental Mundane philosophy,” Kody said. “But I believe the Eightfold Path is fundamental as advice on how to live a good life.”

“Maybe I have not been alive enough to appreciate it properly.”

They continued to read the blocks as they went.
RIGHT CONDUCT
,
RIGHT LIVELIHOOD
,
RIGHT EFFORT
. “Maybe it requires some study,” he said.

RIGHT MINDFULNESS
,
RIGHT CONTEMPLATION
. “Still, there’s a certain appeal,” she said. “I will try to do better.”

“Better than what?”

“To be a better person. While I’m alive. I know I have not been doing very well.”

“You have been doing well enough.”

“I don’t think so. The living folk don’t make a big thing of it, but they don’t want my company.”

Tacit exclusion? Kody had encountered that himself in Mundania. “Why?”

“Because I am a zombie. I am alive now, but that’s my background. That makes normal folk uncomfortable. It didn’t bother me until I returned to life.”

“Well, I’m not excluding you. I think you’re a fine girl.”

“Thank you,” she said, seeming a bit uncertain.

“I mean, I know your origin. I wouldn’t really care for you as a zombie. But for now you’re a normal living girl, and your background doesn’t bother me at all.”