Equilibrium (Marauders #4.5) (9 page)

“The old you, is that the bratty, annoying version of you?” he asked, and when my head flew up, he laughed.

“You’re an ass. But, yes, I guess so. I used to try to be alluring and mysterious around guys. You know, to try to be sexy,” I admitted with a laugh. “It never worked. My real personality just bubbled through and I was all over the place. I always wanted to be like Vi.”

“Why?” he asked, and he sounded extremely surprised.

“She’s… I don’t know. Feminine, soft, talks in a low voice, and is just sweet. I always feel clumsy and like a rowdy explosion next to her. But I can’t be like that.”

“You wanna be like Vi, Mac’s wife? The one who doesn’t talk?”

“What?” I asked and looked at him. “She’s nice.”

“I admit, you kind of got on my nerves before, but I
noticed
you. And honestly, for guys your age, a girl you notice who hasn’t been severely beaten with an ugly stick, that’s kind of enough.”

“It was probably my dad, wasn’t it? That’s why they didn’t want to ask me out?”

Roach laughed. “I think that’s a safe bet. And there’s no type of girl that works on
everyone
, anyway. No need to try to act all
alluring
and
mysterious.”

I knew that face on him, and I sighed. “You’re gonna make me regret I told you that, won’t you?”

“Definitely.”

~oOo~

Brick

He found Roach and Eliza in one of the storage rooms. The table in front of them was filled with weapons, and there was a heavy scent of gun oil in the room. He’d thought Roach was kidding when he’d said he’d clean them with Eliza, but apparently he hadn’t been.

“Having fun?” he asked when he stepped inside.

“Not really,” Eliza muttered. “Is this something you can get high from?” she asked and held up a bottle of gun oil.

“No,” he answered and sat down. “About done?”

“Yeah,” Roach nodded. “We’re on the last ones.”

“Does this count as my job, as in: am I getting paid for this?” Eliza asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered and looked at Roach. “Whatta you think?”

Roach gave him a surprised eye. “What? Am I her boss now?”

“Mel has complained I’m too lenient with her. Think you’ll do a better job, so, yeah, you’re her boss now. You’re the one who keeps complaining about what this place looks like, anyway.”

“I want a raise,” Eliza muttered.

Roach laughed. “You’ll get paid for today, and tomorrow we’re cleaning the shelves in the bar. I’ve seen animal nests among the bottles.”

“Can I have a sip from each bottle I move?”

“No,” Roach and Brick answered at the same time.

“If you’re about done, your mom is waiting outside. She can take you home,” Brick said, and Eliza gave Roach a look.

“I’ll put them away,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Eliza walked around the table and gave Brick’s cheek a kiss before leaving with a, “See you,” to Roach.

“I’ll help you,” Brick said and started to collect the guns and shotguns at the table once she was gone.

“Thanks.” Roach stood up, and after wiping off his hands, he started helping. “She mentioned something you’d said today. That she was blind in a previous life?”

“Yeah,” Brick nodded. “The touching. Haven’t you noticed how she fiddles with things? Like rolling bolts from one hand to another, or stroking her hands on things.”

Roach stood still for a second. “Yeah, the bolts, I’ve noticed that. I just thought it was something she did to occupy her hands.”

“No, she likes how it feels. Mitch once found her a smooth rock, and she had it in her pocket for years so she could just stick her hand down and touch it. Guess she could’ve had worse quirks. Like eating her hair or something.”

“Yeah,” Roach laughed.

Once they’d hid away the guns, he turned and looked at Roach.

“You okay with keeping her occupied?”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “If it keeps the bar clean, I’m ecstatic about it. Besides, lets me clean the place without anyone commenting on it.”

“Thanks,” Brick said, but it didn’t feel sufficient. “I’m not sure what else to say, but really thanks for what you’re doing. Not sure what you’re doing, but it’s working, and I wasn’t sure about this, you and her, but I’m glad I was wrong.”

“Yeah, well… You’re welcome, I guess.”

Brick couldn’t help noticing that Roach looked a bit uncomfortable, but he assumed that the kid might’ve worried about how Brick would react. It could be that Brick had threatened him, but as far as he could tell there wasn’t anything fishy going on. They were hanging out, and it was helping Eliza, so he was fine with it. More than fine.

CHAPTER SEVEN

It Felt Good

~oOo~

“SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA stay still. Stop things from moving,” Eliza, fifteen at the time, said to Mitch. “You know, when things are like they are now and it’s all good. Stay here for a while, just like this.”

It was the middle of the night, and she was in Mitch’s living room. She’d called him when she couldn’t sleep, and he’d come to pick her up for a ride and some middle-of-the-night talking at his place.

“Then you’re shit outta luck, Buttercup,” he said with a smile and handed her a cup of rooibos tea before sitting down next to her. “No such thing as staying still in the universe.”

“Whatta you mean?” she asked and paid attention. She had a feeling he’d tell her something profound with the help of physics, and she loved it when he did that.

“Nothing in space stands still, and nothing ever stops. When you’re standing still, it just means you’re matching the earth’s orbit.”

“So what you’re saying is that no matter what it feels like, I’m still always moving through space?”

“Through space and time, and even if you’re standing still, shit is moving around you, baby. And most often it’s better to try to keep up than trying to fight it.”

She loved Mitch so much.

~oOo~

Eliza

No matter what I had said, or how it had felt afterwards, I’d been slightly worried the kiss would change things, but it hadn’t. The next day we’d cleaned the bar. Or started; it had taken two whole days. The next project would apparently be the kitchen because, in his words: it was fucking disgusting. The weekend had come between, and when I walked into clubhouse on Monday morning, I just wasn’t in the mood for… anything. I’d had some weird dreams, and it felt like I had teeny tiny bugs crawling around under my skin.

When Roach saw me, he gave me his usual smile, followed by the obligatory, “Hey, Princess.”

“I really wish you’d stop calling me that,” I said when I sat down next to him.

“Bad day, huh?” he asked and handed me a cup of coffee. “How have you been?”

“Can we take a ride today?” I asked instead of answering his question. He obviously already knew the answer. “I just wanna clear my head.”

He looked at his watch. “I’m yours for six hours. Go tell Brick or Mel while I get my stuff.”

I went into the garage to get my helmet and talk to Dad, but the only one in there was Bull.

“Where are you going, Baby Girl?” he asked when I was on my way back out.

“Roach is taking me for a ride.”

Bull nodded thoughtfully before pointing at his cheek. “Come and lay one on an old man,” he said. I laughed and did as he’d asked. “It’s nice to hear that again.”

“Hear what?”

“Hear you laughing. When you were a kid it sounded like pearls falling out of your mouth when you laughed, and now it does again.” He pulled my braid a little. “Feeling better again?”

“I think so,” I answered. When I was a kid, I’d thought Bull was kind of scary, and even if I could still see why, I didn’t think so anymore. He was scary, for sure, but I knew he was on my side. I leaned down and gave him another kiss. “Partly thanks to you.”

“Was nothin’. Wish I could dig them up and piss on ‘em for you. I would, if it made you laugh some more.”

“You’re a kind man, Bull.”

“Yeah, don’t spread it around.”

“Your secret is safe with me. Where’s Dad? I need to tell him we’re going.”

“In the office. I’d knock first if I was you,” he chuckled. “Not that I think they’re going at it right now, but you never know with those two.”

“No,” I agreed. “You never do. Think you could just tell Dad I’m heading out with Roach?”

“Sure thing. And let me know if he becomes a problem.”

“Roach?” The thought was laughable. Roach was an ass in some ways, but at the same time he wasn’t. He was… honest. That was what I landed on. Roach was the most honest person I’d ever met, and I never had to wonder where I stood with him. He let me know. I shook my head and smiled at Bull. “He’s actually the least problematic thing in my life right now.”

“If you say so. Just let me know if that changes.”

“I don’t want you to kill him, no matter what.”

“Wasn’t going to. Just beat him up.”

“Think you could take him?” I asked with a smile.

“Hey,” Bull laughed and tugged my braid again. “Don’t get cheeky with me. I’ve changed your diapers.”

“Don’t try. You’ve never changed a diaper in your life.”

“Sure I have.”

I put my arms around his neck and gave him a hug. Bull shaved his head with a razor, and when it had been recently done, it was smooth as silk. It usually felt awesome, but it was a bit scratchy when I hugged him. “I love you, Bull.”

“Love you, too, Baby Girl. Never doubt it.” When I let go, Bull glared at Roach, who was approaching. “Take it easy with her. You can’t even imagine what I’ll do to you if she gets hurt.”

“Got a pretty good idea, actually,” Roach said and handed me his backpack. “But I’ll take it easy.”

I ran my hand over Bull’s head. “You need to shave, old man. It’s not as nice to touch when it’s like this.”

“I’ll get right to it,” he said. “Have fun.”

I followed Roach to his bike, and when he turned around I could see him smiling widely.

“What?”

“Just,” he started and shook his head. “Just wondering if anyone else on the planet could get away with what you just did. Telling Bull he needs to shave so it’ll feel better when you rub his head.”

“It does,” I said with a shrug.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t take kindly to anyone but Brick telling him to do anything.”

“He loves me,” I said with a big smile.

“Yes, he does.”

I was going to ask him what he’d meant when he said he had a pretty good idea what Bull would do to him if he hurt me, but I had a feeling I already knew. I waved at Bull when we rode off the lot, and he waved back.

Riding with Roach was a lot like riding with Mac. He was calm, like he had all the time in the world, which I guess we did in a way. He took a long ride, and then turned on to a desert road we’d been at before. He didn’t go far before he stopped, and I got off the bike. I didn’t wait for him, but went to sit at a couple of rocks and pulled out my pack of smokes. When Roach came, I held it out for him.

“Think I owe you a few of these.”

“Now you’re hooked,” he chuckled. “Once you start buying them yourself, you’re a smoker.”

“Is that the rule?”

“That’s the rule,” he confirmed. “Keep your smokes. By the way, your brothers agree that you have the shittiest music taste.”

“What?”

“Yup. Both of them. They said your movie and comic taste was great, with the exception of some Disney movies, but that they’d never managed to make you like good music. Mitch said you liked physics, though, is that true?”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about my brothers talking to Roach about me, but there wasn’t much to do about that now. Besides, bikers gossiped, all the time, which made me wonder…

“Do you talk about me?”

“No,” Roach said. “I don’t. Promise. But lately, people keep telling me stuff about you. Not, like, serious shit, just small things.”

“Okay. And yes, I like physics. It’s kind of Mitch’s fault. He talked about it all the time, and I was the only one who cared. It’s interesting.”

Mitch had always been my go-to guy for physics—and some other things. He’d also always tried to butt in if someone was treating me badly, and I’d told him I wanted to be able to save myself. He and Mac had practiced boxing and some self-defense with me. Not that it had mattered when I needed it.

“If you say so,” Roach smiled. “I asked them about that book. The one you talked about.”

“
The Bell Jar
?”

“Yeah. Mitch said it was a book for crazy feminists.”

I laughed. “I guess it is.”

“You tried to make me read a feminist manifesto?”

“You could try
Heart of Darkness
,” I said. “Not feminist at all, and very good. I think you’d honestly like it.”

“Listen,” he started and then took a deep breath. “There’s a reason I stick to the graphic novels. I’m not very good at reading.”

He looked embarrassed.

“Dyslexia?” I asked. “Vi’s got that. She can read, but not very well.”

“No, that’s not it. I never went to school, I lived on the streets, and even if everyone is welcome at the libraries in theory, they tend to not be happy when street kids visit them.”

“Oh,” I said, and felt really stupid. “It’s not very thick. Less than a hundred pages. Or you could try
The Catcher in the Rye
. It’s about a kid who roams the streets of New York, and they give that to high school students to read.”

“I don’t know…” he started.

“I can help.”

“How would you help?” he asked with a laugh. “Read it to me?”

“If you want, but maybe just talk about the books. I like that.”

“I’ll think about it,” he said, but I could tell he wouldn’t think about it much.

I’d never thought about the fact that I could read as something that was almost a privilege. It was all from my mom. Dad didn’t read much, but when Mom moved into our house, he’d built her a small library. It had been his way of trying to welcome her to his home, and I knew she’d loved it. It wasn’t huge, but still a library, and she’d gotten me hooked on reading early on. At first by reading to me, and then by talking to me about the books I’d read, and I’d loved that.

“How about a cheap biker picnic?” Roach asked. “Get some water and Coke at a gas station. I’ll even throw in some snacks if you want it.”

“Dried fruit?”

“Sure. Just don’t try to make me eat it.”

We’d done that a couple of times, and it was usually quite nice, but I’d gotten stuck on something Bull had said. Or rather a combination of what Bull and Roach had said, and
The Bell Jar
, too.

“Were you there when Bull tortured the guys you found me with?”

It took Roach a long time to answer, and I thought he wouldn’t, but he finally did. “Yes.”

“Do you know where they’re buried?”

“What are you getting at, Princess, and do I really want to know?”

“I survived, they didn’t. I wanna piss on their graves.”

Roach stared at me for a long time, and then he started laughing. He stood up and held out his hand to help me up.

“You’ll take me?” I asked, and grabbed his hand to pull myself off the ground.

“I’ll take you,” he confirmed with a nod.

“Their real graves. Not just a spot somewhere, but their actual graves.”

“Their actual graves. Cross my heart,” he said, and he was still laughing.

As long as he took me to the right spot, he could laugh as much as he wanted to. It had just been a rash idea at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it.

Towards the end of
The Bell Jar
, there are several passages where Esther talks about herself as free, and things that helped her gain that freedom. And eventually she describes herself as ‘perfectly free.’

I wasn’t yet, I knew that. They’d taken way too many things from me, and I still had too many issues to be able to say I was free—from them or from my issues. They’d humiliated me, hurt me, done terrible things to me, but I’d survived. So, in a way I’d won.

The thought just passed by at first, but then I grabbed it and
felt
it.

I’d fucking won.

And there was no other way of proving that I’d won than to get to the point where what they’d done didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t there yet, not by far, but I could get there. I actually believed that now, and I was going to celebrate gaining that conviction by peeing on their fucking graves.

~oOo~

Roach

They had to walk the last bit, and Roach knew he was smiling the entire time. They might have taken a forty-five minute ride, and they were walking through some shitty terrain, but he still wasn’t convinced she would do it. He just smiled at the fact that she’d even had the idea.

“There,” he said and pointed at pretty much exactly the spot they’d buried three of the men. He pointed at another area, where the other three were buried. “And there.”

Eliza looked determined while she was looking between the two spots he’d marked.

“One of them had a tattoo here,” she stroked the inside of her lower arm, “of, like, a gun with roses around it. Do you know which one he’s in?”

He nodded and pointed at the first grave; he remembered that guy. Eliza walked over to stand on the exact spot he’d pointed and started working on her pants.