Equilibrium (Marauders #4.5) (13 page)

“Is it over? Whatever it was that happened, is it… done, or… I’m not sure how to ask.”

“I know what you mean, and no, it’s not. We’re…”

They had no fucking idea what was going on, if he was honest with himself. Whatever was happening, it was all going on in Mexico. The cartel who wanted a war with the Marauders’ cartel had attacked a whole bunch of people ‘their’ cartel was working with in an attempt to start a war and to cripple the organization. If Brick understood it correctly, it had made two other organizations pull out, and he wasn’t sure how they had been punished for that, but the rest had stuck with the cartel.

Since the cooperation started, decades ago, Brick’s main contact had been a man called Roberto Ortega, and during the years he’d risen in rank but had stayed their main contact. Until now. And now they were instead dealing with Roberto’s daughter, a tiny half-Asian woman named Niu, and Brick still didn’t fully trust her. Roberto had ensured him that he could, but Brick wasn’t big on moving his trust from one man to a woman he barely knew just because someone else said he could. She apparently had the same problem, because she wasn’t keen on sharing information with him. So, in general, he had no fucking idea what was going on, and he’d just recently contacted Roberto directly and told him he wasn’t pleased about that.

Two days later, Niu had come by to talk to him. She’d been pissed he’d gone over her head, and he’d told her—maybe a bit harshly—that he wouldn’t have if he could trust her to give him the fucking information he needed. He hadn’t thrown the ‘my daughter was raped because you assholes kept secrets’ in her face, but it had been in the air. After both of them had been yelling for fifteen minutes or so, they’d sat down and talked. It had actually been a pretty good talk. He’d told her he didn’t need to know exactly what they were doing, but he needed to be reassured that shit wouldn’t slip by them again the way it had, and how they were making sure that wouldn’t happen.

It had felt better after that talk, but he still wasn’t convinced.

She’d explained that their mistrust wasn’t towards the Marauders, but against any possible way they had to communicate, but she was going to work something out, a way to keep them informed. She’d added it might mean they had to go old school, and he’d told her he was old enough to be comfortable with old school. Hopefully she’d get back to them soon about it. It didn’t mean he trusted her, but it was something.

None of this was any help to Eliza, though. It wasn’t even of that much help to him.

“We’re on it,” he said, instead. “We’re more observant, and we’re…”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“I wish I could… reassure you about things, and I know my promises probably don’t meant much to you right now, but I won’t let that happen again. I won’t.”

“I know.”

His heart almost fucking exploded. ‘I know.’ That was all. He’d fucked up, she’d gotten so hurt, and she still trusted him.

“I’d do anything for you, you know that, right?”

“Yes,” she smiled.

“If you…” He took a deep breath. “Remember what I told you at the hospital? That still goes.”

He hadn’t told anyone, not even Mel. Eliza’s second day at the hospital, she’d had surgery. When the staff woke her up, she’d been in a panic, screaming, and in her attempts to get out, since people she didn’t know surrounded her, she’d torn a bunch of stiches and they’d been forced to sedate her again to stich her back up. So, the next time she was woken up, they’d asked him to be there. She’d panicked, but not as bad, and as soon as they’d made sure she was okay, he’d sent them out. He’d held her hand when she cried, and then he’d said it: ‘If you want me to leave the club, I will,’ and he’d meant it. She hadn’t answered him then, but she’d brought it up a few months later, mainly to ask him if was true, and he’d confirmed that it was. She’d asked him if that wouldn’t just make them less protected, and he’d been forced to admit that it probably would. He’d gotten them into this mess, and the safest way to get out of it was to stick with the club. She hadn’t brought it up again.

She shook her head. “It’s kind of a double-edged sword,” she said. “The safety and the risks are both a part of the club. Besides, I love the club.”

He laughed dryly. That was on him, too. He’d made damn sure she loved the club. “I know,” he said. “I do, too. I’m just not sure if I should be happy or sad about that.”

He didn’t
want
to leave, but if it was a choice between the club and his daughter…

“Things happen,” Eliza said. “Some for a reason and some not, some as a reaction to action and some just come you way. Either way, you deal with it.”

“Profound,” he smiled. “Who said that?”

“You. When I was ten or something like that. I think you said it about homework or something stupid like that, but it kind of works about this, too.” She took his hand. “Punishing you by making you leave won’t mean it didn’t happen, so what’s the point? Besides, I don’t wanna punish you.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me one thing, though.”

“What?”

“That you’re not doing… what they did.”

“Jesus! No!” he almost yelled. “No, baby, we don’t. I would never…”

“I think I knew, I just wanted to make sure.”

It made him sick to think she’d even for a second entertained the thought that they would
ever
do shit like that. He wasn’t proud about all the actions the club had taken, but he wouldn’t hurt innocents. That wasn’t, and had never been, a part of the club.

“We would
never
do that.”

“Okay. I’m sorry I asked.”

“Don’t be.”

She stood up, and he followed her, putting an arm around her shoulders again. He liked feeling her like that, close to him.

“I love you, Baby Girl.”

They walked over to the bike, and as she put on her helmet she smiled.

“You’ve never told anyone that, have you? That you made me that offer?”

“No,” he admitted.

“Not even Mom?”

“No.”

“If I’d said yes, and you’d asked to leave, what would you have said to the others?”

“Whatever you wanted me to.”

Her smile was wide “It’s strange.”

“What is?”

“To have that kind of a power over someone. That you’d just do that for me.”

“That’s being a parent, Baby Girl.”

~oOo~

Roach

Roach was slowly but steadily realizing he was in a heap of shit, and that he had been for a lot longer than he’d thought. Probably since the peeing on the graves incident. When he thought about it, that was definitely the first time he’d seen her differently, and he blamed that fucking laughter. No one should look or sound that good when they were laughing. It was against fucking nature.

It might not have occurred to him if it hadn’t been for that stupid bitch Sapphire making it totally weird between him and Eliza. Because if he hadn’t thought she might see him differently, too, he would’ve just kept ignoring those feelings. Analyzing her behavior and possible interest had made him notice his own, and that was just bad all around. Because analyzing his own feelings made him think about the kiss.

It hadn’t been much of a deal when it happened, really not, he hadn’t even gotten hard at the time, which he sure as shit got when he thought about it now. It was her hands, he decided, how her hands had almost been searching his face in featherlike movements all over his jaw, cheeks, and neck. He liked her hands.

She’d hugged him after they’d watched
The Beauty and the Beast
, but not since then. It was pretty much back to usual, with the not so great addition of him now and then getting a hard-on. She hadn’t come back for a second movie, though, and he was pretty fucking happy about that. Not because he thought he couldn’t control himself, he
knew
he could, but because he didn’t want it to become weird again. If hanging out with her would be forever as it had been so far, he was satisfied with that. It wasn’t right of him to try for more. As he’d pointed out to her: she wasn’t his luck. His part in her life was just to be there until she decided she was okay, and then he’d go back to New York and his own charter. He was still absolutely fine with that idea, he really was…

…but a small part of him wished it could’ve been different.

He was getting a nagging feeling that Bull and Eliza had been right about Sapphire, too, because she’d given him some weird looks lately. As if he needed more weird in his life. Between Eliza, Sapphire, and his growing fear that Brick would rip his face off, he was a little high-strung.

Thankfully, Eliza seemed to be more or less back to normal—or whatever it was she’d been most of the time they’d spent together. She still called him ‘Sweetums’ at times, though, and he was praying it wouldn’t stick with the other members. It was kind of worth it, because she always laughed when she said it, and she had a great laugh.

“What are we cleaning today?” she asked when she dropped down on the couch next to him.

“The bar.”

“But we’ve done that.”

“That was over a month ago, and people frequent this bar, so it needs to be cleaned on a regular basis, Princess. No need to empty all the shelves, though.”

“Good, because that sucked.” She reached for his pack of smokes and took one. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just peachy. You?”

“Fine. Just intense stuff with Dr. Flores today, and then a strange conversation with Dad. I’m kind of… weird right now.”

“Weird? When are you not?”

“Funny,” she said and gave him the finger. “Such a comedian. You should try standup.”

Roach nodded. Sometimes Eliza needed to land when she’d been at Dr. Flores’, and he got that. Those talks could really mess things up and turn things around, usually not in a bad way, but it was probably best to let Eliza digest it.

“So, wanna clean or ride today? Or both?”

“Both,” she answered without hesitation. “Let’s start with the cleaning.”

It took them about three hours, and Eliza was unusually quiet the entire time. He left her alone. When she was in that kind of a mood it was always to just best to leave her be.

Once they were done, they took a forty-minute ride and ended up at a diner they’d never been at before. He’d honestly thought they’d been to every place within less than an hour riding-distance of the club, but he’d been wrong.

“Wanna talk?” he finally asked when they’d gotten the food they’d ordered. “Or are we having a silent day today?”

“We talked about… dating, I guess you could say.”

He took a sip of his Coke and smiled, hoping he looked as relaxed as he was trying to look.

“And? You wanna date?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s more… I’m not sure I can, and how weird would it be, and all that stuff.”

“Might be good. Or it could be good if you think you’re ready. Dating isn’t sex, which I’m sure you know.”

“I know.”

“And it’s a pretty safe step on the way if you’re dating a nice guy.”

“You think?”

And as happy as he was about how eager she looked, it hurt. It fucking shouldn’t, but it did. He had no fucking business being hurt about anything she did, and internally he cursed himself for being so goddamn stupid.

“I think so. When dating works, you take the next step. I guess. Honestly, this isn’t really my expert area.”

“Never dated?” she asked with a laugh.

“Not really,” he admitted. “I had a girlfriend for a while, but it wasn’t… we were both pretty messed up.”

They’d both been drug addicts, and two drug addicts together was
never
a good idea. Ever. He’d liked her, maybe even loved her, but he’d moved on and she’d refused to. He had no idea if she was even alive anymore, but it had come to a point were he had to leave her behind or die next to her.

Another girl he hadn’t been able to save.

“So, as long as I don’t go for the messed-up guy, you think I could try? A date, I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“And if that works, I might be ready for the next step?”

“I’m not even sure what the next step is,” Roach said, and he tried to laugh, but it sounded a bit forced even to him. He couldn’t fucking protest just because he didn’t want her dating. That was not right of him. “Just make sure… I don’t know, that he’s a good guy, and that you really want it. Don’t force yourself.”

Eliza smiled, but she looked a bit insecure, and something else. He wasn’t sure what it was, and deep inside—in his assholey parts—he hoped it wasn’t eagerness. He wasn’t sure what he hoped for, and he knew that he’d be the most supportive guy ever when she said she had a date, but it still sucked. A lot.

He smiled back. “It’ll be fine.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I Like Sprinkles

~oOo~

EDIE, HER MOM’S SISTER, had been Eliza’s idol before she’d ever even met her. Probably mostly because Mac and Mitch thought her backpacking through the world was so cool, and if Mac and Mitch said something was cool it most definitely was. When Edie finally moved to Greenville, she’d quickly become Eliza’s favorite person in the world. They often had Girls’ Nights together, and Vi was usually with them, too.

“What are we watching today?” she asked. “And where’s Dawg? Is he coming?”

“No,” Edie answered. “He’s away. Just us tonight. I thought we’d watch ‘A Room With a View.’ Very romantic, and they’re in Florence in the beginning of the film.”

“Have you been there?” Vi asked, and then she sighed. “Of course you have.”

Edie laughed. “Of course I have. A lot of tourists, though. Not one of my favorite places.”

She often said that, Eliza had noticed. That if there were a lot of people at some place she’d visited, it wasn’t one of her favorite places. Eliza thought about it some more, and then she asked.

“Edie, why don’t you like people?”

“Because they’re annoying,” Vi answered instead of Edie, and then she blushed. “Sorry.”

Edie laughed and gave Vi a hug. “Some people are annoying, and people in flocks almost always are. That’s why I like the places with less tourists.”

Eliza didn’t understand that. She liked people. Especially when they were looking at her.

~oOo~

Roach

The next week they were cleaning one of the storage rooms. Brick had said he might need it, and he wanted it cleared and ready. Eliza was unusually quiet, again; she didn’t even complain while they were working. He tried to engage her in conversation, but after a few attempts he gave up.

They had lunch together. Eliza had brought a few sandwiches, and she ate at least one of them. Then she dropped the bomb on him, and he didn’t pay attention to what she was or wasn’t eating anymore.

“I have a date.”

“Yeah? That’s great!” Did that sound honest? He hoped that sounded honest. “Really great. Who’s the guy?”

And would it be okay if he killed him if the date didn’t go well?

Roach kind of wanted to kill him, and he most definitely hoped that the reason for why he wanted to kill him wasn’t just that he was so jealous he was about to explode. And
when the fuck
did Eliza see anyone long enough to be asked out on a date?

“It’s Miriam’s brother. She’s one of The Green Kittens.”

“When are you going?”

“Saturday. I’m not sure where,” she mumbled.

“I’m sure he’ll think of something great.” Roach was smiling so hard his cheeks ached. “Do you know him?”

“Yeah. We were on a couple of dates, you know,
before
. He’s okay, I guess. Dad didn’t like him.”

“Did your dad ever like anyone you dated?”

“Not really,” she smiled.

“Did you like him?” And why the fuck did he ask that? Maybe he could just get drunk as fuck. He wanted to get drunk as fuck, and it was the first time in a long time he’d wanted that.

“He was okay. He was nice. I think I just want someone nice.”

Lately, when she’d had that look, he’d wanted to hug her, but it was at least a step up from getting a boner.

“Nice is good,” Roach agreed, and lit a smoke to keep his hands occupied and not reach out to stroke her hair. “You feeling okay about it?”

“Sure,” she smiled. “I think it’s good to just get back in the saddle, or something not quite as cliché.”

He laughed. “Did you use to date a lot?”

“Um, no, you’ve met my dad, haven’t you?”

“I have.”

“So has the rest of the town. So, no, I didn’t date much.”

Brick was a good thing to keep his mind on. The things Brick would do if Roach even hinted at having anything but brotherly love for Eliza. Which was all he should have. Anything else would be completely fucking wrong of him, no matter how she felt, which apparently wasn’t a problem, since she was about to date someone else. He would’ve loved to say that didn’t sound bitter in his own head, but it did. Really bitter, but he smiled at her again. She needed encouragement.

“It’s good that you know him, and I think it’s good to try to date.”

“You really think so?” she asked.

“Yeah. If it’s a guy you trust and know is nice, why not? Don’t think he’ll dare try anything.”

She looked at him with begging eyes. “Can we still hang out?”

“Sure. I’ll be here. Not going anywhere until you tell me to, Princess.”

“Okay. Just wanted to make sure.” She stood up. “I have to get going, but just to make sure, we’re okay?”

“A-okay. When’s the date?”

“Saturday. Are you working Saturday? In case I want to talk afterwards or something.”

“Dayshift.” He was obviously a big enough ass to hope she didn’t want to talk because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear how fucking great the date had been. He would, though, and he would smile and tell her how fucking awesome it was, too. “Just give me a call.”

“Okay. I’ll see you.”

“See you, Princess.”

He watched her leave and then he banged his head a few times against the bar. He was such a fucking idiot.

~oOo~

Mel

Mel had thought the date was a good idea until she helped Eliza to get ready for it. That was when she’d started to notice Eliza didn’t seem eager at all. Not even a little. She seemed terrified, extremely stressed, and acted like she was on her way to the dentist. It most definitely didn’t seem like she was on her way to a date with a boy she liked.

“Honey, are you sure about this?” she finally asked, after Eliza had snapped and basically told Mel she was an idiot for suggesting a dress when Eliza didn’t know what to wear. “If you don’t want to, just call it off. I’m sure he understands, and if he doesn’t—fuck him.”

“No,” Eliza protested. “I need to do this. I want to.”

“You don’t
need
to do anything.”

“I do! I really do, I need to just… fucking move on. It’s been almost a year, I can’t… It can’t take more than a year to get over it.”

“It can take as long as you want it to. As long as you need.”

“No. You don’t understand…”

“Then explain it to me, honey. Why is this so important now? Why are you forcing yourself to do this?”

“I… I think I just need to prove something to myself. He’s a nice guy, and he knows some of what happened, so he won’t try anything, and… I need to do this.”

Mel wasn’t sure if it was a good thing that the guy knew—which Eliza was probably right about, since he was Miriam’s brother—but that wasn’t what worried her the most. It was the extreme panic in Eliza’s eyes when Mel had suggested calling it off, and she had no clue to why it was so goddamn important to go on a date. It hadn’t been something she’d been doing that often even before she was taken.

“Okay,” she said and tried to calm Eliza down. She wasn’t crying, but she was a little manic. “I’ll help you.”

Eliza got dressed, Mel helped her with the hair and make-up, and then the guy picked her up. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but Mel still found it hard to breathe when Eliza got into his car.

“I don’t think this was a good idea,” she said to Brick as they drove off.

“He won’t do anything stupid.”

“No, I just think the entire idea was stupid to begin with. She seemed… manic. Like it was something she
had to
do, and I don’t understand why.”

Brick shrugged. “She’d decided. You know what she’s like when she decides something. No fucking stopping her then.”

Mel still had the growing feeling that this might’ve been one of those things she should’ve stopped, just put her foot down and decided
for
Eliza, but that rarely had a good outcome. It tended to just push her in the opposite direction. Mel knew that from experience.

“I just don’t understand why it was so important. And this guy, what was his name?”

“Thomas,” Brick answered without hesitation, and Mel had a feeling he’d be able to tell her quite a few details about Thomas if she’d asked. He might play it cool, but he didn’t like any of this any more than Mel did. She knew, and she gave him a look to tell him she knew. He sighed. “What do you want me to do? I can’t stop her, and… He seems like he’s a decent kid, she’s dated him before—”

“Which makes it even more strange that she’s trying again.”

“Maybe she’s just trying to see if she can handle it, and she’s trying with a guy she
knows
will be nice.”

That made some sense, but it didn’t convince Mel it was a good idea. If Eliza had told her in a calm voice, she might’ve thought so, but remembering her panicked, flustered, and stressed face made Mel think it was a really shit idea. Even without everything that had happened, she would’ve thought it was a bad idea.

~oOo~

Eliza

The date had been okay, or not really, but not horrible. It just felt like I couldn’t talk to him. I had nothing to say, and then I, for some insane reason, had tried to kiss him, and he’d freaked out, done the ‘turned to stone by Medusa’ thing, and mumbled something about it not being necessary and how I shouldn’t feel pressured to something I didn’t want to. I assumed that was what would always happen if someone knew what had happened to me. Or just someone who knew who my dad was.

I told him to drop me off outside Roach’s, which he seemed worried about, and by then I’d just had enough and told him to either go where I wanted to go or I’d jump out of the moving car. So he left me outside the apartment building and took off. I didn’t think we’d go on a second date, but I couldn’t have cared less.

I was in a really bad mood when I rang the doorbell, and Roach opened wearing nothing but his shorts again.

“Don’t you ever wear clothes at home?”

“My AC is pretty shit, so not really. You okay?”

“No,” I said and walked past him into the room and sat down on the couch. “It’s just… I can’t stand people. Anyone. You’re pretty much the only one I want to see, and others just annoy me, which I guess is why I want to see you all the time.”

“Did something happen?”

“No. Well, yes, but… nothing like that. He was nice. Annoyingly nice.” I tried to think about a good way to explain it. “It’s like the people who know, all they can think when I talk to them is ‘she was raped’ and ‘the girl who was raped said something funny, I should laugh to make her feel better.’ Like that’s all there is about me. But I’m more than that, and it’s so…
frustrating
that something that happened to me overshadows what I am to the rest of the world. Do you get what I mean?”

“Yeah,” he said and sat down next to me, and he was smiling.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Nothing, it’s just, you said ‘raped’ twice in a sentence and didn’t even flinch. I kind of like seeing you pissed.”

I nudged his shoulder with mine. “So, think you can watch a movie with a rape victim? See, I said it again! Rape!”

He laughed. “Depends, do
you
wanna watch a movie with a rape victim?”

“People aren’t weird around you,” I said, and I could hear how whiny I sounded.

“They forget. You haven’t been out much. The more you’re around other people, the more they forget and see other sides of you, so they forget it. Eventually they’ll forget altogether, or you’ll meet some guy who doesn’t even know it.”

“Wouldn’t I have to tell him?”

“Why? It’s not like it’s a disease.”

“I… I have scars. In, like, places where people don’t normally have scars.” That had worried me a lot. Not just that they were there, but that people—guys—would ask about them, and there wasn’t really a good way to explain them without admitting how I got them. “Not sure I can claim they were an accident.”

“Scars fade, and until they do tell them it’s none of their business, or just that you don’t want to talk about it.”

“You make everything sound so fucking easy,” I muttered. “It’s not like the broken nose, anyone might’ve broken their nose. Other things aren’t exactly common things.”

Roach turned and looked at me.

“What?” I barked.

“This could be a really stupid thing to say, but I’d honestly never noticed your nose had been broken.”

“Really? I thought it was super obvious.”

“No. I’ve noticed the scar on your lip, and the one on your chin, but not your nose.”

“The chin was from before. I fell on the stairs when I tried to beat Mitch to the ice cream.”

“When you were a kid?”

“Sort of. I was fourteen.”

Roach started laughing, and once he’d started, he didn’t seem to be able to stop.