Enzo (Jinx Tattoos Book 1) (10 page)

“This is what’s best…for both of us.”

“I understand.”
But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Enzo

he past few weeks had shown him what he’d always known—life without Aibhlinn was hell. They kept in contact with texts and calls, but he was lucky if he saw her even once a week. It was his fault. He’d ask for it. It was the right choice.
Only because you won’t deal with the underlying issues
. He tapped the card he’d gotten from an office on his desk. Dr. Laura Castells came highly recommended from his mother. Karen Jordan had the pulse on local counselors and psychologists. At fifty-five, his parents were still active with fostering, and they would always have a soft spot for the kids others would turn away.

His mother had spent more time going back and forth with mental health caregivers than most humans. He trusted her judgment.
So why are you hesitating? This is how you get Aibhlinn back
. Part of him was terrified he couldn’t be helped, or he might make things worse. He understood what a trigger was—an event that brought back bad memories—and in a worst case scenario, flashbacks of traumatic things that had happened in the past.

He went out of his way to avoid those things. It was why women never slept overnight, and he hadn’t attempted a relationship. He had a fucked up brain. Women made him cagey and paranoid when it got too deep. He could do the math and figure out why. He’d had a neglectful and abusive mother who’d abandoned him. The problem was, logic didn’t have shit to do with emotions. He couldn’t turn off that damaged mode. Regardless, he needed to keep his promise. He took a deep breath, and dialed the number.

“New Life Counseling Center, how may I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to book an appointment with Dr. Laura Castells.”

“Have you been seen by Dr. Castells before?” the pleasant voiced woman asked.

“No, this will be my first time.”

“One moment, sir, let me see what she has available.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He held his breath as Michael Buble’s voice crooned in his ear about the holidays. He grimaced. To say he wasn’t in a festive mood was an exaggeration.

“I see here she has an appointment available Friday, November the twentieth at three o’clock.”

A week from now
. “I’ll take it.”

“Excellent. May I get your name, please?”

“Yes, Enzo Jordan.”

“Okay, Mr. Jordan, we need you to get here fifteen minutes before the appointment, so you can fill out paperwork.”

His chest tightened, but his spirit felt lighter. He wanted to call Aibhlinn and celebrate. She would be proud of him. He spun the phone in his hand. They hadn’t spoken yet this week, so it wouldn’t be too much. He hit speed dial and waited, anxiously.

“Hey, Enz, everything okay?” she asked. He heard a male voice in the background and frowned.

“Yeah, did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked.

“No, I was just showing Keir around town. Poor guy’s been cooped up in his apartment too long,” she explained with a teasing tone that told him Keir was listening.

He scowled, remembering the Irishman he’d met at the art show. “Oh…well, I won’t keep you. I-I just wanted to tell you I booked an appointment with a psychologist.”

“You did?” she gasped.

“Yeah. It, uh… It’s for next Friday.”

“That’s fantastic, Enzo! I am so proud of you. I know that wasn’t the easiest thing to do.”

He could tell she was guarding her words to protect his privacy. It made him long for her even more. “A promise is a promise, right?”

“Yes, it is.”

“And, I want to get better, Ave.”

“Glad to hear that,” she whispered.

“I don’t want to keep you. I know you’re out having fun. I just wanted to share that.”

“I’m glad you did,” she said.

He hated the distance between them.
It’s necessary. When you get your shit together, you can fix it.
“I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Yep. Bye, En.”

“Bye, Ave,” he said, shocked by the desire to do anything but hang up. Whoever said you never knew what you had until it was gone had been a very wise man indeed. A few weeks ago, he would’ve buried himself in pussy, but the thought of any body part that didn’t belong to Aibhlinn had him limp dicked. Not that he wanted to go back. This time was about bettering himself. In a fucked up way, Aibhlinn had given him something to live up to. It was the kick in the ass he needed to get his shit in gear.

His phone rang. He smiled at the name on the screen. “Hey, Mom.”

“Enzo, how are you?” she asked.

“I’m good, how are you?”

“I’m good. I was hoping you could come over for dinner tonight. I feel like I haven’t really talked to you in a while,” she said.

He smirked. That was code speak for I want to grill you. “Mom, I’d be happy to come over for dinner. But you can just ask me.”

“What do you mean, dear?” she asked, feigning surprise.

“It’s not going to work on me. I’m the oldest, I know how you work.”

She laughed. “Okay, did you make an appointment?”

“I did.”

“Praise, Jesus,” she exclaimed.

He’d had counseling and seen a doctor as a child, and been given the thumbs up and pat on the back for working through his major issues, but his mother was always for tune-ups. Issues had a way of creeping up on you, and resurfacing once you thought you’d put them to bed for good. Some of the effects of life never left, they were merely managed. “Tell me how you really feel, Mom,” he said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You’ve seemed sad recently. Maybe this will help?”

“I sure hope so,” he replied honestly.

“I haven’t seen Aibhlinn around lately. Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, her mother hired a new guy, Keir, who’s from Ireland. She’s been showing him around.”

“Oh. Is he a family friend?”

“His mother was to Ms. Leahy.”

“Ahh, that’s nice. I imagine it’d be hard to come to a new place where you knew no one.”

Don’t take his side, Mom, I think he’s trying to steal Ave.
“I think Aibhlinn feels the same way.”

“So she’s spending a lot of time with him, then?” she asked, sounding disappointed.

I have no idea.
“Yeah, I think so,” he said.

“Do you think there’s a love match there?” her mother asked.

He growled. “I don’t know, Mother.”

“So, it’s possible. I always knew a pretty girl like that couldn’t possibly stay single for much longer.”

“Mom.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear. Were you wanting to step up and admit the way you feel about her yourself?” she asked sweetly.

He scowled. Of course, his mother had noticed the way he felt. “My decision to go back to counseling wasn’t as spontaneous as I let you believe.”

“You’re slaying the dragon for your lady fair.”

He smiled. “Guess I am.”

“That girl is your soulmate, remember that. Whatever you have to do, however long you have to fight, remember she’s worth it. We were worried about you in high school. You could turn the ladies’ heads and get dates, but you didn’t have any friends. While you had your brothers, they were so much younger. There’s a huge difference between seventeen and fourteen. Then Aibhlinn came into your life, and you lit up, my boy. You blossomed and came out of your shell. You don’t throw something like that away.”

“But you risk losing it all opening yourself up completely. How can you give everything knowing you’re giving someone the means to destroy you?” he asked.

She sighed. “Because if they’re truly the one, the thought of life without them is unimaginable. So, despite all your fears and reservations, you give everything you have to hold onto them and the love you’ve been gifted. I was terrified of failure when I married your father. I grew up with a single mother and a deadbeat father in an era where that was as taboo as it got. I wasn’t sure I believed in love, not really. Then I met your father in college, and he showed me everything I was missing out on. I was smart enough to not let the fear render me incapable of risk. You understand what I’m saying?”

“I’m reading you loud and clear, Mom,” he said, turning her words over in his mind.

“Good. Now, dinner at six o’clock?”

“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be there.”

“Good boy, love you.”

“Ditto,” he replied, hanging up.

The office was small and homey. It was a ranch-style brick building converted into an office. He walked inside and found himself greeted with cheery Thanksgiving decorations and a grey-haired office manager who sat at the desk with a headset on.

“Good afternoon, ma’am. I’m Enzo Jordan here for a three o’clock.”

“Welcome, Mr. Jordan, I have everything ready for you.” She handed him a clipboard with a stack of paperwork. “Once you’re done, you can bring this back up with your insurance card, and I’ll make copies.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said, taking the clipboard and the mini packet of papers to a seat by a window.

His palms were damp and his nerves were frayed. Filling out the paperwork had been torture as he watched the minutes tick by like time had slowed. The woman waiting for him wasn’t what he expected.

Tall, thin, blonde, and young, she had her hair pulled back into a severe bun, but her oval-shaped face was kind. She stood from her desk and he took in her black pencil skirt and white, button down blouse. She was professional, but approachable. “Hello, Mr. Jordan, I’m Dr. Castells. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello, Doc. It’s nice to meet you, too.”

“Please sit. This session will be a bit informal. I’m looking to gather information about you and what you think your issue is, and I’ll form a plan.”

He nodded his head. He was used to this, but it’d been a while.

She took a seat across from him in a chair with her notepad. “So tell me, who’s Enzo Jordan and why is he here?”

“Well, I’m here because I have a problem with intimacy.”

“That’s a very interesting way to put it, Mr. Enzo.”

“I don’t have a problem with sex. I can fuck just fine. It’s anything after that. I have a woman, my best friend in the world, and I’m in love with her. I have been for years. But as I am, I can’t provide her with what she needs.”

“Can you expand upon that?”

“I get antsy and restless. I start having nightmares and flashbacks.”

Her eyes widened.

“You can see how that would be detrimental to a relationship,” he said wryly.

“What are these nightmares about?”

“My past.”

“And the flashbacks?”

“I can only assume they’re connected in as well. This would be a good time to fill you in on my background. It all ties into that. I never knew who my father was. I’m not sure if my mother knew. She was heroin addict who sold her body and whatever else she could get her hands on for her fix. That led to a lifetime of neglect, periods of abandonment, and some abuse. She never really hit me, but her words were sharp and her habit of ignoring me cut deep and started my habit of never getting too close. When I was maybe ten, she left and didn’t return. I turned to the streets to earn money and did my best to keep up on the house and put food in my belly on a daily basis. I tried to pay the bills, but eventually they piled up on me, and when they came to evict us, they figured out I’d been living alone. I was a troubled kid. I trusted no one, and I was constantly in fights, or in trouble for stealing. I thought I had to take care of myself and always have a backup plan, just in case. I was in decent homes, good homes, and not so good homes, but none stuck. At fourteen, I went into the Jordan home and I learned what love was supposed to be. We had our issues, but they got me straightened out and on the right path. Then when I was seventeen, they adopted me.”

“That’s an incredible journey, Mr. Jordan.”

He nodded his head. “It is. I was really lucky, we both know the adoption of older children is rare, and I found my passion, art. I co-own a tattoo shop that does pretty well, Jinx Tattoos. I have my own home, and I create paintings on the side.”

“Your life sounds full.”

“It is. Up until recently, random hook-ups were enough.”

“You say you have a problem with intimacy?”

“Well hell, Doc, that was just sex. They didn’t even stay the night. I couldn’t risk that.”

“You sound like you speak from experience.”

“I do,” he replied quietly.

“Do you want to tell me about that, Mr. Jordan?”

“Enzo, please,” he said.

“All right. Enzo.”

“When I was young I attempted a relationship. I needed to keep my mind off the one person I found myself wanting, and I figured I should try it, at least once. I didn’t love the girl, but she was pleasant enough to be around. She started spending the night, and the nightmares hit full force. The worst of my memories. It put me on edge. I started going without sleep, and then I had my first flashback. I woke up with my hand wrapped around her throat. It scared the shit out of me.”

“Was she okay?”

“Fine, but terrified. We called it quits, and I resigned myself to casual sex.”

“What changed?”

“My ability to hide the fact that I’m head over heels in love with Aibhlinn.”

“And she’s your best friend?” the doctor asked.

“And more. We had a fake friendship. We did everything a couple would, except make out. If there’s a wedding, we’re each other’s date. We have the keys to each other’s homes, talk daily.”

“And why do you think
she
allowed that?”

“I know she loves me, too. We admitted it about a month ago, gave the relationship thing a try. I didn’t last a day. That night, I had a flashback.”

“Is that what prompted you to come here?” the doctor asked.

“It was a catalyst, but it’s time I get right for myself. I’m thirty-five. If not now, when?”

“That’s a good outlook. What are your goals?”

“To let go of the past, so I can have a future,” he said.

“Hmmm.”

They continued to talk and he couldn’t help but feel like he was purging fully for the first time. As a child, he’d held so many of his memories in. Now, all he wanted to do was get them out.
Don’t give up on me, Aibhlinn. I’m working on it.