Entangled (59 page)

How did shit get so fucked up? Why did I leave with this chick instead of hanging out with my best friend? Why did I take so many shots? What am I trying to prove?

"Hey." Kasey is standing over me, practically ready to pounce on me. I catch a whiff of her perfume, almost causing me to sneeze. It's not the greatest scent. It smells like a mixture of different things I can't detect. I let my head fall back against the cushion. I feel her hands on my neck and around my shoulders. "Do you want to have some fun? " She asks me, sitting on my lap now. “I can help you forget everything.” She's wearing tight jeans and a halter top that shows quite a bit of skin. Her breasts rub against me. I close my eyes and allow the buzz -what's left of it- to ruin my better judgment. I'm craving the closeness, intimacy, sex. Granted, I'm not getting my fix from the person I really crave; the person my body really craves. Because let's face it, her hands don't send me over the edge of ecstasy with just a touch, her smile isn't breathtaking and her mouth on my skin leaving hot kisses in its trail isn't like heaven.

She's not Maddy.

Still, I don't stop this girl in front of me. A moan of frustration escapes my throat before I can stop it and it's taken as a moan of pleasure spurring Kasey on. Her hands are greedy, raking up and down my chest from under my shirt. She digs her nails into my skin. I flinch in pain but she takes no notice. Her hand finds the buttons on my jeans and hastily pops one open. Then another. And another...

Maddy’s face clouds my vision. Her hair, her smile, her eyes. God, her eyes. I want to get lost in them and never be found.

I grab her face between my hands, as I open my eyes. Reality hits me, hard. This isn’t Maddy. What am I doing? I can’t. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be this guy. I don’t want to run
from life or love. This isn’t me anymore. Just because I’m back in New York doesn’t mean I should so easily slip back into my old habits. I can’t be both versions. I have to pick one and this isn’t the one I pick. I shake my head, “Stop.” She crinkles her forehead in confusion. I feel like an ass for letting it get this far. It’s almost like a betrayal to Maddy. We’re not together anymore, but I still feel like I’d be proving that I can’t change. She trusted me to be a better person.

“What do you mean stop?” I detect hurt in her voice. I’ve turned her down twice now.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I’m in love with someone else. This would be a huge mistake.” Even though we’re not together, I know it would be the biggest mistake ever. I need to stop hiding behind my old ways or my father. Change means growth, and growth means accepting new possibilities.

I want a deep emotional connection with someone. I want deep and soul changing intimacy. I had it. I need it back. I want it back. I want Maddy back, no matter what it takes. I just hope I’m not too late.

She sits back on her haunches and studies me. I button my pants and dig for my phone. “Noah, please don’t do this.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You can change and find real love with someone. Stop thinking with your vagina, and use your head and open up your heart.” I open my phone and find mass amounts of texts.

“Real love doesn’t exist for me.” I look up and see her frowning.

“It does, you’ll find it Kasey. When you do, you’ll know. But don’t ever let it get away. Hold onto it.” I send Spencer a text to pick me up.

“I gotta go.” I stand up and realize my head is feeling better but my vision is still slightly blurred. At least the headache is bearable now and the room has stopped spinning.

“Noah, please.” She grabs for my arm but I move out of her reach.

“Don’t. I won’t be that guy anymore. I’m going to wait outside for my ride.” I step outside and sit on the curb. I know I have voicemails waiting to be heard. But I’m not ready to hear her voice. Before I have time to make a move, Spencer pulls up in the parking lot. I stand up and stretch, a yawn escapes. I can’t tell if he’s mad or relieved. I quietly get in and buckle my seat belt. “You’re lucky I came and got your ass. I was going to ignore the text and make you walk.”

“I would’ve benefited from it.”

“What were you thinking coming here with her?”

“Dude, I don’t know. Obviously, I was thinking with the wrong part of me.” He scoffs and nods in agreement. “Nothing happened. I stopped it before it went that far.”

“I’m sorry I threw the “Andi and I are talking” thing out there. I wanted to tell you.”

“Do you like her?”

“Do you like Maddy?” I raise my eye brows, and then we both laugh. “Yes Noah, I like her. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I enjoy talking to her. Even though I don’t know what she’s going through, I try to be there for her. I listen and I like her voice.” He smiles. I haven’t seen Spencer this goofy about a girl in well…ever. I smile, happy for him. It’s about time he finds someone.

Chapter 69

Maddy

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I nod slowly, staring at the house that used to bring me happiness. I haven’t been here in a long time. The lawn looks freshly cut and I see my dad’s car parked in the driveway. Memories come flooding back, almost choking me. I feel Andi’s hand on my shoulder. After a lot of yelling and crying, we finally started talking again. I’d admitted to being a bitter bitch and she admitted to being an impatient baby. I know it wasn’t her fault, it was always mine. The emptiness I felt from Noah’s absence was the last straw that broke me. I thank god for her understanding, even if she was impatient. I deserved it, knowing she needed me for comfort and a shoulder to cry on.

“Yes, I want to do this.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” I take Andi’s hand and squeeze, grateful she’s with me this far.

“I have to do this by myself. But thank you so much for your support.” She squeezes me back. As I grab for the door handle, she grabs my arm, stopping me. I give her a puzzled expression.

“There’s something I need to tell you first, before you go.” I lean back against the seat and wait for her to talk. “I’ve sort of been talking to Spencer.” She takes a breath, “Like, we’re kind of dating…or something.” Part of me, a big part is ecstatic at this piece of information. I always wanted them to hook up, they’re perfect for each other. He’s perfect for her. But another part, a tiny, microscopic part is jealous. I know, it’s totally shady and not fair. But I can’t help myself. I miss Noah. And Andi talking to Spencer means she has more of a connection to Noah than I do. I almost consider asking her to try to talk to Noah for me, or at least Spencer. But this is not high school and I’m not dragging Andi into my relationship problems.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t know what you wanted me to say. I always liked Spencer and secretly hoped you and him would get together. I just don’t know how that would work, with him being in New York. Would he move here?”

“I don’t know yet. We don’t know. But I really like him.” I smile and run my hand down her arm in comfort. “So you’re not mad at me for not telling you?”

“God, no. Andi, you deserve to be happy. That’s all I want for you and if he makes you happy, then I’m ecstatic.” I hug her and feel her body tremble against mine. When I pull back, I see her stricken face and it kills me. “Thank you, Maddy. I just didn’t want to bring him up, knowing he’s Noah’s best friend and you’ve been so miserable without him. God, this sucks.” We hug again and my jealousy vanishes. She needs someone who cares for her and will help her
through her tough times. I had that for a while, now it’s her turn. “Okay, I gotta go. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck, sweetie. Call me when you’re ready, I’ll come get you.” I nod and get out of the car. Once she’s gone, I study the front door…red, same as always. My nerves run rampant. Would my father want to see me? I need my answers, I won’t leave until I get some.

Images of my parents and I stepping out of the house, watching my father leave for work, my mother pushing me on my swing-set, riding my bike-

“Excuse me?” I jump at the sound of my father’s voice…the man standing in front of me.

“You scared me.” He looks annoyed, but says nothing while he gathers his mail from the mailbox. “Can I help you?” I take notice of his appearance, his shirt is wrinkled and gray hair disheveled as if he just got out of bed. I swallow hard, past the lump in my throat. Tears sting my eyes and I try my hardest to force them back before they escape. “Dad.” He whirls around, almost dropping the stack of mail. Recognition shows in his eyes. “Maddy.” He whispers in disbelief. Then he composes himself and appears irritated and cold. “You shouldn’t have come.” He turns and stalks into the house and shuts the door.

Left standing outside defeated, I fight the urge to leave. But this was my house too once. I won’t run off again. I burst through the door, thankful he left it unlocked. “Dad.” I call for him, searching the house. It feels cold and uninvited and I shiver from the feeling it provides. I don’t recognize this place anymore. There aren’t pictures on the walls liked I remember. The TV sits there in the living room, dusty and unused. I walk through the hall where the bedrooms are and stop just outside my old room. It’s cracked, and I push it open to find my father sitting on my bed. “Dad.” I walk in to see him gripping a piece of paper. A letter. My letter, to him, when I was ten. I think. I try not to think about that little girl, how lost and confused, and alone she was. But I can see her in the forefront of my mind and it brings new emotion to the surface. I quietly sit beside him, uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I want to yell at him, I want to cry in his arms, I want to ask why he left me, why he abandoned me after my mother’s death.

“I couldn’t save her. It’s my fault. I’ve hated myself for so long.” I’m taken aback by his proclamation, so no words come. I sit and wait. “I remember the first time I read this. Do you remember writing this?” I stare at him, baffled. How could I forget? I remember it all, everything and even years later; it’s still just as hard, especially my birthday. “Maddy, I couldn’t look at you. I couldn’t look at you and not fall apart. All these years, I let my grief overrule my better judgment. I felt half of me was taken that day, I knew I’d fail as a father.”

“So you made believe I didn’t exist? Your seven year old daughter, who by the way, just lost her mother that same day? You just abandoned her at the worst time in her life.”

“I was in contact with Jim and Melanie. I knew they’d take care of you.” I stand up and pace the room, trying to figure it all out. “And that makes it better? You couldn’t talk to me or at least try? I was your daughter, your only daughter, your blood. You turned your back on me. We were supposed to be a team.”

“Maddy, I get it. I know I did wrong, I know. I’ve lived with the guilt for so long. It’s all I ever have thought about.”

“I came here to understand why-“

“Because I didn’t want to raise you alone. Because I was so consumed with my grief, that nothing else mattered. Because you deserved better than I could give you and the Harpers loved you as their own.”

“I’m sick of everyone thinking they know what I deserve or what’s best for me. I should get a say in it. It’s my life too. And I lost you, dad. I blamed myself. I felt responsible for everything. I’ve lost my mother, my father and now Jim is sick. Did you know that, dad?” He looks surprised. “Of course you don’t, you only cared about yourself.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” He drops his head, ashamed.

“I wrote you letters dad, begging you to take me home. I blamed myself for you leaving. I didn’t understand how a father could leave his daughter. My letters were always stained with my tears, hoping one day, you’d come pick me up and we could be a family again. Mom’s death didn’t only affect you. I was seven, and not only lost my mother, but my father too. That’s terrifying for a child.”

I start to tremble and my knees buckle, sending me to the floor. I drop my head in my hands and sob. Tears of anger, resentment, abandonment, sadness, loss and sorrow pour out of me, overwhelming me.

My dad finally rushes to my side, uncertain what to do. I guess showing up at his doorstep was more than he anticipated. He awkwardly wraps an arm around my shoulder. It takes every ounce of my being not to throw myself into his arms, too soon. I look into his dark blue eyes, filled with sadness and regret. I’ve waited years for this day, when I can finally hug my father, cry into his chest and feel safe and loved, and learn to heal-together. He begins to cry and I have the urge to comfort him but I watch him. “Maddy.” He blurts through his tears, “my daughter,” I lift his hand and hold it. He’s so fragile, breakable. He’s young yet he appears so old, reminding me how much he’s aged over the years. I’m not seven anymore and he’s not that young, energetic hip man he once was. His hair graying in places, his eyes showing more wisdom and tiredness. I know I need to make things right, no matter how much my conscience is telling me this man is a stranger, he’s still my father. And life is too short to hold grudges.

“I’m sorry dad, so sorry.” I croak and squeeze his hand.

“You did nothing wrong. I’m the one with so much to be sorry for. God, Maddy. I’ve thought about you often, I was so scared you’d hate me. And you’d have every right to. You’re so beautiful, just like your mother.” He cups my cheek and I lean into his hand, needing the fatherly affection, craving it.

Is it possible to fall back into a relationship that’s been nonexistent for so many years? I never doubted my father’s love for me-okay, I did. But after knowing the truth, understanding why he couldn’t care for me, I see that maybe it was for the best. Some people can get through tragedies and turn out okay. Others don’t cope well at all.