Entangled (57 page)

“That’s the page you need to read, Noah. It might help you, heal you and help you move on.” I look up and see Sandy’s stricken face. I want to comfort her, the woman who lost her daughter. I want to take her pain away because as much pain as I bear, it’s nothing compared to hers. “Lord knows it’s helped me.” She adds. I swallow my tongue and read to myself, the words that could change things.

Dear Journal,

This year we finally get to leave behind this chapter in our lives and start a new one. Though I can’t complain too much about this chapter. It’s brought my two best friends into my life. Spencer and Noah have been the two most important people and I’m so excited to see where life takes us. But unlike most people, I’m not scared of what happens from here. I have the two best sidekicks a girl could ask for.

People joke about Noah and I getting married in the future and as awesome as that would be, I know he’s going to do great things in his life. He’s going to change the world, or change someone else’s. I can’t wait to witness his greatness. He thinks he’s a bad person and afraid he’ll be like his father. But let me say, Noah is nothing like his father. He never could be, his heart is too good for that, he just doesn’t show it.  I pray that no matter where life takes us, he stays true to himself and never loses hope. He deserves happiness more than anyone I know. I need him to believe in himself. He’s my best friend. I want him to be okay, always. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow or next week, and years from now, I can’t say where I’ll be. In case we end up on different paths, (praying that doesn’t happen), I want to always remember him, his good side, bad side and everything in between. He’s the best. And just because his father is a dick, doesn’t mean he will be one. I will make sure he never turns out like him, which is why we’re moving in the next week. I can’t wait! Oh shit, I have to stop, Noah just got here. Anyway, moral of this entry is…Noah deserves happiness in his life-always. I love him, my best friend.

Always, Lex (Never lose hope)

I stare at that last sentence, repeating it over and over again like a mantra. A single tear runs down my cheek but I’m kind of paralyzed in place to wipe it away. This girl always manages to save me, even when she’s not here. I finally close the notebook, laying my hands on top and gaze at the cover. It’s decorated in stickers, quotes and pictures of us. All these years I never knew she had this. In a way, it’s more valuable now. I really feel I was meant to get a glimpse into her thoughts. It gave me an insight into how bad things were at home and how my behavior effected the people I cared about.

I take a deep breath and sit in silence, replaying bits and pieces of my broken life. I really need to fix it, repair it, if it’s not too late. I just don’t know what’s left of it. “Sandy?” I was so consumed by the notebook, I never heard her leave the kitchen.

“So what did you learn?” She walks in, coffee in hand.

“Thank you for showing me this. I still don’t know what to make of it but it’s a start. I got to see all the sides of myself that Lex did.”

“And she loved even the bad side. Noah, she’s trying to tell you that you have good qualities, even if you can’t see them.” She shifts in her seat so she’s facing me. Her eyes are kind, sincere and her forehead is creased with concern. I don’t know how this woman stayed so strong. I look away, feeling the stubborn tears sting my eyes. God, I miss my best friend. “Noah,” she leans forward, resting her arms on her knees, lightly patting my hand, for my attention. I meet her gaze. I can see how all this stress affected her body. Well, her face. She’s still a pretty lady, but with wrinkles under her eyes. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?” I manage to ask, through my confusion.

“Do you want happiness?” I just nod, unable to speak. “Then you need to let go. Let go of your mistakes, let go of the pain, let go of the regret. Just let. It. Go.”

I choke back the tears. Her expression is firm but tender. She’s struggling to hold herself together and here I am crying like a douche bag. “It hurts so much.”

“Noah, it’s always going to hurt. Losing someone close is not easy, trust me. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, that pain in your heart is never fully gone.” She takes a deep breath and exhales, slowly. “But it will get easier with time. You have to have patience and be grateful for the time you did get with them.” She takes the notebook and holds it up. “I want you to take this. I want you…when you’re struggling with doubts, self-worth, whatever it may be, open this and read Lex’s words. Remember who you are and who you can be.”

I gape at her in surprise, “You’re giving me this?” She takes my hand and wraps my fingers around it. “You need it more than I do. Lex would want you to have it. You need to move on.” I tighten my hold, closing my eyes for strength.

When I reopen them, I smile with gratitude and appreciation. Maybe I can be happy. Maybe I can finally be free of the guilt and sorrow I’ve felt for so long. It won’t happen overnight and I can deal with that. But having a piece of Lex, of her memories with me will allow me to finally heal. “Thank you, Sandy. You’ve no idea how grateful I am…for everything.” I hold the journal close to my chest. My emotions run rampant but for the first time in a long time, I feel like everything is going to be okay. Now all I need is to figure out what to do about Maddy. Without her, my life is empty.

“Call if you need anything. No matter what you do in life, you’ll be great. Maybe you should think about that when it comes to relationships as well. If you love this girl, you shouldn’t let your fears run you off. Risks are worth taking sometimes.” We both stand up and hug each other. She pats my back, comfortingly. It’s almost as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Can I be good enough for Maddy?

Chapter 66

Maddy

As a little girl, I always wondered what it would be like to sit on the porch swing with my parents, enjoying the sunshine and peace as my father would read the paper and my mother would sew or knit. There’s something calming about the back and forth motion while the breeze whips through your hair or the sun warms your face.

I sit sideways with my feet up on the seat while my arms wrap around my legs, lost in thought. Almost a year ago, I met Noah, made a friend, fell in love and then lost him.

“Thought I’d find you here.” Derrick startles me from behind. I scoot over, sitting the right way with my feet dangling over the edge. He plops down.

“Didn’t know you were looking for me.”

“Andi is worried about you.”

“She has other concerns right now.” The swing continues its rocking so I raise my legs, crossing them under me.

“Have you heard from him?” I shake my head. He looks sad. I look away, blinking back the tears. “Why did I let myself fall for him?” I lean my head on his shoulder. He lays his hand over mine on my lap. I try to push back the image of his beautiful smile that always stopped my heart.

“I’m sorry Maddy. I wish I knew the right words to say. Noah really loves you, he just has a lot to deal with. He didn’t want to bring you down with his past.”

“Derrick, go inside. I need to speak with Maddy.” Linda approaches us. He looks at me and I smile. I can see his hesitation but then he pushes himself off the swing and Linda takes his spot. She looks worn down, her eyes are tired and without makeup on, she looks older. “How are you?”

With a shrug and a sigh, I lean back, gazing at the sky. “I went to my mother’s grave a couple days ago.”

“Really? By yourself?”

“Yeah, it was better that I went alone. I cried, a lot. But I felt better too, getting it all out. Carrying all this pain around really makes me feel like I’m sinking lower until I’m practically drowning.”

“You can’t hold it all in, Maddy. It’s not healthy. You’ve got too much that you’re trying to bury. You’re so strong, always wanting to be everyone’s rock. But you can only handle so much. Just let it go.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder. I lean into her, cocooned in her warmth. I don’t cry, I only ask for strength, for understanding, for healing and for peace. I ask
that Andi’s family get through this difficult time, I ask that Noah gets the answers he’s searching for and that he’s okay.

“I wish Noah would talk to me. Why won’t he let me help him or at least let me go through this with him? I don’t care that he wrote me a letter telling me to move on and that I’m better off without him. I’m not better off without him, I’m better with him. I love him and to imagine a life without him…I can’t. I can’t think about it, I won’t. I need him like I need to breathe. It hurts, Linda. We deserve to have a happy ending; we deserve a chance at love and happiness after the lives we’ve lived.” Tears streak down my cheeks, tears of loss, and frustration…because I don’t know what to do. He won’t answer my texts or calls. My heart aches for him; my body yearns for his touch.

I notice Linda is quiet, not giving advice or comments, like she normally does and that’s frustrating too. I glance at her and see she’s biting her lower lip nervously. “Linda.”

“I’m sorry Maddy. I talked to him…to Noah.”

“You did? When?” Why should I be surprised? She’s his aunt; of course they should still talk. She looks away and I wonder if she’s hiding something from me.

“Before he left. He came to me for advice, so I gave it to him.” Her hands clasped in front of her.

“And then he left.” I finished for her, feeling irritated.

“Yes, and then he left. I’m sorry Maddy.” Too upset to respond, I say nothing. “You have to know he loves you. He left because he loves you and believes you deserve better.”

“I’ll be the judge of what I do and don’t deserve. If he loved me, he’d fight for me, for us regardless of his fears. He would have talked to me about it and we could’ve worked together. A coward leaves when shit gets tough.” Anger keeps the tears at bay. I don’t want to cry anymore.

“You both have been through more than most people your age. He was hurting, he didn’t want to leave. But right now he needs to face his past. I don’t know when or if he’ll come back. But whatever he decides, I’m supporting him because he’s my nephew and because he hasn’t had the support he’s needed in his life. His father was a controlling jackass and his mother, my sister couldn’t deal with the divorce like an adult. Noah had to grow up fast and though he wasn’t always on the straight and narrow, living with his grief and guilt over Lex really screwed him up.” She looks at me, serious, “I know you don’t understand now, but he felt like he failed Lex, one of the most important people in his life. And now he’s afraid of failing you. He has a chance to make things right with his mother. They have a second chance at a good relationship. She’s trying to make positive changes in her life.” Hearing about Noah and his mother makes me happy. I want them to have a good relationship. I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous, wishing I had the chance with my mother. I miss her so much.

But wait….

“I need to do something.” I stand up abruptly, startling Linda. She looks up at me, concerned.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. There’s just something I need to do.” She stands up, uncertain. I give her a reassuring smile and hug her. “Thank you, for everything.” I’m grateful I have her to talk to. Andi has enough on her plate. I couldn’t add to it with my problems.

“You know I’m always here for you Maddy. No matter what. I want you to be happy and I love you as if you were my own daughter.” She brushes my hair off my shoulder, smiling like my mother would do.

“I know, and I appreciate it.”

“What are you going to do about work?”

“Oh I’ll be back once I get my head screwed back on.” Which I hope will be sooner than later. “Amanda has been so kind and understanding.”

“I’m glad she’s been so supportive.” I nod. “But then again, you’ve worked there since you were seventeen and were always reliable, so she doesn’t have a reason not to trust you.” I would have loved to travel the world or spent money on pointless crap but when you’re limited on choices, you don’t get the luxury of such things. Like Noah, I had to grow up fast and make quick decisions to support myself. I guess the good thing about it was, it instilled important lessons and wisdom and ensured my independence.

“Well, I’ll be in touch. Thanks for listening.” I turn to walk back to my car but pause and turn back to Linda. “The next time you speak to Noah, tell him I still love him please. And I miss him.”

“I will Maddy.” She smiles sadly.

I get back in my car and sit for a few minutes. Before stopping myself, I pick up my phone from the center console and scroll down to Noah’s name. His picture, of him smiling makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I grip my phone hard, trying to calm my racing heart.  I send him a text…and then dial his number to hear his voice.

Chapter 67

Noah

“Well, I’ll be fucking damned.” Spencer closes the notebook and sets it on his lap, tapping his foot.

“I know. All this time and I never knew she had it.”

“Dude, she’s right though. You deserve happiness. You’re a decent guy.”

I hold my hand over my heart, dramatically. “Oh Spencer, are you finally admitting you’re attracted to me?” I laugh. He backhands me in the chest. “Ow.” I yelp. My phone beeps on the coffee table. I ignore it, aware of the caller, the same caller for the past few days. I just can’t right now…I can’t deal with that right now.