Enlightened (Red Flags)

Enlightened

By C.C. Brown

Enlightened

By C.C. Brown

Copyright © 2013 by C.C. Brown

Cover Design provided by Stephanie White of Steph's Cover Design

Kindle Edition

No portion of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any print or electronic form without permission.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental.  The characters and story lines are created from the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. The subject matter is not appropriate for minors.   

Dedications

To Trevlyn Tuitt.  Your love, support, and kind words helped with the creation of this book.  This one's for YOU! <3

Chapter 1

Hospitals always make me jumpy.  Whether I am there for a joyous occasion or a somber one, I can never seem to get myself to relax.  This occasion is no different.  I sit in the waiting room, pondering if it's pain or pleasure that brings me into this cold, sterile environment.  Sadly, I cannot say. 

I look over to Jason, who sits nervously, holding my hand while shaking it on his knee.  He is wearing a baseball cap, pulled down covering his eyes so I can't see the nerves brewing inside of him, but I definitely feel them.  His death grip on my hand and the sweat being transferred from his hand to mine is all the proof I need that his insides are on the brink of collapse.  I take my free hand and rub the top of the hand that could quite possibly crush the bones in my mine, trying desperately to calm him down.  I am doing no better than he is, but I am keeping it together while he is about to fall apart. 

  Jason looks down at me through the darkness his cap has provided and gives me a slight grin that is full of apprehension. 

"Nothing you can do from here, so stop worrying before you give yourself a heart attack."  I affectionately tell him.  He stops shaking his leg and pulls me into a warm hug.  He holds me in place, his earlier hand grip now taken over by his arms.  I have to pull myself away to get some breathing room.  I try my best to give Jason a reassuring smile, but fail miserably.  He stands, removing his cap and scratching his head.

"I hate this feeling, Cara.  Hate it," he says, then rubs his hands over his face while walking the perimeter of the room, stopping to mindlessly take in the informational pictures on the wall.  I look at him helplessly, unable to figure out what I can do to calm his fears and bring some joy into the moment.

Sitting back in the rigid hospital waiting room chair, I throw my head back, hitting the wall a little too hard for my liking.  I take a few deep breaths, hoping to bring a sense of calm to myself, and somehow get lost in the fluorescent lights.  I blankly stare into them until I start seeing spots and have to blink profusely to rid them from my line of sight.  Just then, the nurse comes into the room, and I'm snapped back into reality.

"Mr. Bradley, you can come see your baby now," she says, much too cheerfully.  Poor lady, she has no idea that there is a sickening mixture of excitement and fear swirling around this room.  While she is so accustomed to bringing jovial couples happy news, this is not the same situation that warrants her excitement.  Jason looks back at me, and, without asking, I know he wants me to go with him.  I sit for what feels like a lifetime, weighing my options.  Do I go and look into the face of the beautiful creation that he has made, supporting him as a good girlfriend would do?  Or do I stay back and save my fragile ego?  I know staring at a baby that is not mine, but belongs to someone I loathe more than anything else in life, will rip me to shreds.  She will forever have a tie to Jason that I am not promised, and the more I think about it, the more I want to punch these walls and tear out of the room.  Instead, I put my childish mentality aside and stand to support the man I love. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I reach out my hand to meet Jason's.   The nurse's inquisitive look on her face catches my eye, but she doesn't ask any questions.  More than likely she is wondering what sort of fucked up situation we are involved in. I know if I were in her shoes, I would be wondering that same thing. 

We walk out of the waiting room, past a busy nurse's station and rooms with new parents eagerly doting on their new babies.  I look up to Jason who looks impassive with sweat beads slithering down his face.  He is nervous. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for him, but ultimately, the excitement of seeing his first born has to be willing him to get to that room in a hurry.

The walk is long and painful.  On the one hand, I don't want to ever get to our destination, for fear of completely losing myself and having a nervous breakdown.  But on the other hand, I want to hurry and end the agony that has manifested itself in my stomach.  I feel the flutters, gnawing at my insides, making me want to keel over. 

I maintain my poise and keep striding along with Jason and the nurse, even though my instincts are screaming at me to run in the opposite direction.  We come to a closed door and the nurse stops and turns to us.

"I just need to make sure Mom is ready for visitors.  One second please."  She taps on the door and enters, gently closing the door behind her.  Jason turns to face me, and gives me a guilty smile.

"You don't have to do this, Cara.  I totally understand if you wanna bolt," his southern drawl is deep, indicating he's nervous. 

"I'm fine." I lie.  I am anything but fine.  However, allowing Jason to know that is
not
in his best interest, so I suck up my sickening feelings, and stow the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.  He leans down and plants a soft kiss on my lips, just as the nurse opens the door and motions for us to enter.

Jason walks in and stops, looking back at me.  I seem to have frozen right where I stand but after looking into his longing eyes, I shake myself out of my funk and stroll into the room.  The nurse shuts the door behind me and I don't dare go any further.  She brushes past me and leads Jason closer to the bed where I can see Stacey holding a baby wrapped in a white blanket.

"Meet your son, Mr. Bradley."  The nurse's words are my undoing and the tears start to escape.  I can no longer contain them, and while I don't allow myself to break into a full on sob, I have to wipe incessantly to make them stop. 

Stacey looks eerily familiar to the last time I saw her.  Who has a baby with hair pulled into a high and perfect bun, face full of make-up, looking like she just left a gala?  Maybe that is why we were made to wait for so long in the cold, barren waiting room?  I try my best not to focus on her and focus on the baby instead, but she is hovering over him and blocking my view.

Jason looks at Stacey and smiles, a genuine smile that sends my stomach back into a tail spin.  She hands him the baby and I see all apprehension leave his body as he takes his son in his arms.  I wipe my brow, wiping away what feels like gallons of sweat, and try my best to look happy for the two of them. 

"Look, Cara, he's got my hair and my eyes," Jason says excitedly.  All I can do is grin and nod.  I watch him shower his son with kisses and while the sight of all of this makes me uneasy, I am proud of Jason for embracing his son without question. 

"Will you take a picture, Cara?" Stacey asks, breaking me from my thoughts.

"What?" I ask, unsure if I heard her correctly.  I walk closer to the bed to make sure I can hear her better. 

"Will you take a picture of us?  I want this to go in Jason's baby book."  Her insincere smile only further rubs in my uneasy feeling.

"Jason?" I question.

"Yes.  He is named after his daddy." She purses her lips as she tosses me her camera. 

I take a deep breath and walk a little closer.  Jason sits down on the bed next to her and they place Baby Jason down in between them.  My hands shake and I try hard to steady the camera, but Stacey, even after the tumultuous event of giving birth, is working overtime to rattle my nerves.  I snap a couple of pictures and notice that she links her fingers with Jason's and he doesn't pull away.  Cocking my head to the side, I look at him, but his eyes are fixated on his son and he doesn't even seem to notice.

"I can't wait to get him home.  We are still moving into the La Jolla house right?" Stacey asks, making sure to look my way after asking.

"Yes, I want my son with me every waking moment," Jason quickly responds. 

My mouth drops.   Why were these plans never discussed with me?  I walk closer to the bed and take a good look at Baby Jason.  He does look so much like Jason, it's almost scary.  Jason looks up at me and smiles, then hands me the baby.  I freeze.  Am I supposed to take him?  Do I want to?  I look over at Stacey, who eyes me intensely, and I step back, for fear that she might claw me if I dare touch her baby.  Jason furrows his brow and pulls his son back into him.  I turn and walk towards the door, not even looking back when I hear Jason calling my name.  I open the door and walk out.

The footsteps heard behind me jump start my frenzied run for the exit.

"Cara! Cara, wait--" I hear Jason calling out, but I have no interest in staying.  I thought I could be strong, but seeing them as a happy little family--it broke me--and I know what I have to do.  I move even faster and push through the double doors leading to the outdoors.  The sun hits my face and the blinding light stops me in my tracks.  I look back to the doors to find Jason bursting through and I turn to run again, but the surroundings start to fade.  I shake my head. "Nooooooo…"

As Jason reaches me, everything goes blank.

<>

"Wake up, Cara, wake up!" Chelsea yelled, while shaking me violently.  "You had another bad dream." 

I struggled to open my eyes. The bright San Diego sun shining through my bare windows momentarily blinded me, as I leaned forward, taking in Chelsea's worried face.

"I can't believe this, Cara.  This is, like, number three.  You've got to find a way beyond this.  What was it this time?"

I had to work hard to catch my breath which seemed to have been frantically trying to escape my body.  When I finally regained a sense of normalcy, I closed my eyes and began spilling the contents of my nightmare.

"It was terrible.  Jason and I were at the hospital, waiting for the birth of his and Stacey's baby.  She had a little boy.  When we walked into the room is, when the torment began.  They were cozying up together, and Stacey asked me to take their picture."  Chelsea's face looked like someone had drained all of the blood out of her.  Her mouth dropped and she angrily played with her hair.  "She asked Jason if they were all going home together and he said yes, like it was nothing.  When he tried to hand me his baby, I bolted."

Chelsea stood, shaking her head in disbelief.  "Enough of this bullshit, Cara.  You have got to find a way to get over Jason."

I knew she was right.  It had been a week since the fiasco in Texas and I wasn't closer to anything that even resembled closure.  Jason came back to San Diego the very next day, as promised, but I had refused to see him, and hadn't even returned a text or a phone call.  I didn't want to give him the chance to work his charm on me, and somehow finagle his way back into my life.  Jacob's revelations were like a tidal wave, throwing me off guard and launching chaos in my direction.  Coupled with Stacey's accusations, I just couldn't picture us ever having anything ever again. 

I kept replaying Jacob's disgusting show over and over in my head.  My first two nightmares were directly linked to it.  If Jason had just been honest, I probably could have worked past that stuff, but his hiding led us to where we were now; apart and miserable.

"I know I do," I answered Chelsea, "I just don't know how."

Chelsea looked around my room, then back to me.  "How about you start with these boxes?  Lose yourself in unpacking and make a fresh start.  There are no memories of Jason in here.  This is your beginning."

She was absolutely right.  Jason had never seen our new condo and, I could definitely get lost in the endless amount of boxes filling my room.  Luckily, my dad had a brand new king size bed ordered and waiting for me when I returned from Texas, so even the memories of my trysts with Jason were gone with my old bed.

Hunter and Ryan had helped us move, and while I appreciated their help, I wanted to unpack on my own.  I didn't need sad, sympathetic eyes staring at me while I tried to pick up the pieces of what felt like a broken life. 

I marched over to the far wall where the bulk of the boxes were planted, and stood with my hands on my hips, taking in the enormous task ahead of me.  I had no idea that I had accumulated so much in our on-campus apartment. I'd thrown so much away, but I still felt like I had too much. 

"I'm going to start," I whined to Chelsea, "but I'm hungry, so can you please make some breakfast?"