Endless, Forever (19 page)

“I think you just need something to move on to,” Sam insisted.

Oliver knew his therapist would likely disagree with that statement, but there was a tiny voice in the back of his head playing devil’s advocate.  Saying maybe Sam was on to something, maybe diving in and just ignoring all the rules was exactly what Oliver needed to move on.

And it wasn’t like Sam was walking into it blind.  Oliver had been brutally honest about everything, and Sam knew Oliver wasn’t in love.  He’s just heard Oliver say he was comparing Sam to his ex constantly, and he still wanted this.

“Can I think about it?” Oliver asked.

Sam nodded, a light shining in his eyes.  “Yes, of course you can.  But please don’t leave now.  Stay the night with me, go on holiday with me in a few weeks, and
then
decide.  Okay?”

Oliver bit down on his lip, but Sam was moving onto the couch with him now, his warm hand cupping Oliver’s cheek, and the comfort felt nice.  The touch was addicting, and when Sam bent his head down for a kiss, Oliver found himself tilting his up.  He found his lips parting for the wandering tongue, and he found his hands wandering into Sam’s soft locks.

He knew it was probably useless, that his heart wasn’t ever going to belong to another, but he decided he owed himself a proper chance to move on.  How else could he ever know if he was ruined for anyone else?  How else could he call his recovery a success?

***

Leo took a long drag of his cigarette and leaned his head back against the brick.  He let the smoke drift up from his lips into the foggy London skyline, then glanced over at Oliver who had his own cigarette pinched between his teeth, still unlit.  “When do you leave?”

Oliver reached into his pocket for a lighter, then took a long drag before answering, his voice smoke-thick.  “Thursday.  He’s got us a nice place in Helford Passage, right off the water.  Some little cottage.”

“Sounds nice,” Leo said, his eyebrows dipped low.  “You know Coco thinks you’re mad for giving him another go.”

Oliver laughed, sucking on his smoke for a few minutes.  “Yeah, I know.  She all but threatened to murder me for agreeing to Sam’s barmy proposal.  I still can’t decide whether or not I should have taken her advice but…”  He trailed off and shrugged.  “I feel like I owe myself the chance to be happy, and it’s not like he doesn’t know where I’m at.”

“I like him,” Leo said.  “You could do a
lot
bloody worse.”

“I know,” Oliver said from behind a laugh.  “I think I have done, even with one-offs.  I keep thinking I ought to be fair to him, but he’s making the choice.  I’m certainly not asking him to stick around.”

“He’s probably a damned fool.”

“Yeah.”  Oliver rubbed a hand down his face, then flicked the butt of his cigarette across the rooftop.  Putting his arms behind his head, he turned his head to face his brother.  “So you’ve got my dissertation all set?  You really think you can do a decent editing job?”

Leo barked a laugh.  “No.  But who’ve you got better than me, eh?”  He nudged Oliver with his elbow.  “It’ll be fine, no worries.  You’ll turn it in on time, you’ll defend the hell out of it, graduate, and be some swotty shite we used to take the piss out of when we were kids.”

“I hate myself.”

Leo chuckled and shook his head.  “Nah, you don’t.

Chapter Twenty-Three

He was shoving a pair of jeans into his suitcase when there was a knock on his door, and Oliver looked over to see Leo wearing a smug expression.  “So, has anyone told you lately your spelling and grammar is the worst?”

Oliver’s eyebrows flew up, then he grabbed a pair of socks and threw them at his brother’s face.  “Fuck
off
.  You should only be so lucky I put effort into it.”

Leo giggled as he flopped down onto Oliver’s bed.  “So.  Packing.  When’s he getting here?”

Oliver checked the time on his little digital clock and sighed.  “Should be here in twenty.  And actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Leaning up on his elbow, Leo gave him a discerning look.  “Alright.”

“You know, a few weeks ago when I agreed to this mad idea of staying in a relationship with him?”  Oliver cleared his throat and ran his fingers back through his loose hair as Leo nodded.  “And he had that mad idea about us living together?”

Leo’s cheeks went faintly pink.  “Right.”

Unable to meet his brother’s eyes, feeling a little ridiculous, Oliver busied himself with his shirts.  “I think I want to take him up on the offer.  I’m not…”  He hesitated and bit down on his lip, then forced himself to look at his brother.  “I’m not ready to live apart from you, though.  It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he added in a hurry, “but it’s so soon and I…”

“It’s alright,” Leo said, cutting his brother off.  “I don’t think I’m entirely ready for you to move out either.”

Letting out a breath of relief, Oliver plopped down next to his case.  “So I’m thinking about asking him to move in here.  With us.  You two get on well enough, and it could be good.  Don’t you think?”

Leo blinked several times, then smiled.  “You’re asking
my
permission?”

“Don’t be a git about it,” Oliver warned.  “But you live here as well, so it’s only fair.”

Laughing, his brother shook his head and pushed himself up to sit, leaning back against the wall.  “It’s fine, Ollie.  I like him well enough, and…”  He stopped when he saw a look cross Oliver’s face.  “What’s this really about?”

“The last time I approached this topic with someone I was dating, things went to shit,” Oliver admitted, not quite up for saying Gabe’s name right then.  “I know the situation’s different, and honestly I think Sam’s a fucking idiot for wanting to stay with me when clearly I’m not as invested as he is, but I’m nervous.”

“You think he’ll turn you down?”

Oliver raked his hands through his hair again.  “I don’t know.  He seemed a bit keen on having me move in with him, going on about how you should be fine to be on your own yet.  And you are, you’re doing well.  But I’m not ready for it yet.”

“It’s okay if you don’t trust me, you know,” Leo said quietly.  “It hasn’t been that long, and I’m only clean a year.  There’s plenty for us both to worry about.  And if he turns you down, then he wasn’t as invested as he said.”

Oliver blew out a heavy breath.  “Yeah, you’re right.  Anyway, I made him a key, so if you’re okay with it, I’m going to ask him on holiday.  And who knows, maybe this is exactly what I need to move on.”

“Maybe,” Leo said, but he didn’t sound convinced.  After a pause, he got up and yanked Oliver to his feet, wrapping him in a hug.  “You’ll be
fine
though, whatever happens.  We both will.”

Oliver laughed as he ruffled Leo’s short hair, then gave him a shove toward the door.  He didn’t agree with Leo out loud, not quite ready to do that, but for the first time in possibly ever, he actually felt like maybe they would be.

***

Although Oliver didn’t like traveling through England in a car, he gave in to Sam’s request that they drive instead of taking the train.  It would allow them the freedom to travel around the area more if they wanted to get outside of Helford Passage.

It was a fairly long drive, and although they stopped a few times along the way, by the time they reached the cottage, Oliver was desperate to be out of the car.  He shot out of his seat the moment the engine was off, stretching his back in a long arch with his arms above his head, and took a breath of the sea air.

It wasn’t like California—though nothing on this side of the world was.  It lacked the sharp, heady, salt smell behind warm air currents.  But it was nice, the air fresh and far enough from the city to feel like they were somewhere very different.  He smiled when Sam came up behind him, wrapping arms around Oliver’s waist and pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

“I’m so happy you’re here with me.” His deep voice rumbled against the back of Oliver’s ear.

Oliver smiled and realized he was happy too.  Reaching up, he palmed Sam’s cheek and leaned his head back against the taller man’s shoulder.  “Yeah.  I think it’ll be good.”

Taking Oliver’s hand, the pair went inside.  The cottage had been recently used, so it was aired out and lacked the dust of disuse.  The front door opened immediately to the living room, where there were two squashy sofas with a hideous floral print which looked like they’d seen better days, and a small coffee table littered with travel magazines detailing what there was to do in the area.  A handful of cheap prints hung on the wall in a failed attempt to give the place a homey feel, and there was a fireplace against the far wall which looked very well used.

The kitchen was large enough, a fridge and two-burner stove tucked caddy-corner from a small sink.  There were still dishes in a drying rack near the window, and a small, two-person, scrubbed wooden table near the back door.

The back door led to a small path, which then led to the sandy beach.  The cottage was sitting right on the coastline of a fishing cove, meaning the waves were small, and the beach traffic was mostly old men in funny hats with long poles and folding chairs.

Oliver had a sudden vision of himself as one of those old men.  Of retiring somewhere like this.  A little cottage, a tackle box, and a stupid hobby.  He tried to picture Sam with him there, sitting in his own little chair, maybe a small dog on his lap.

But it didn’t feel right.

He knew he could conjure the image of Gabriel easily, that it would feel like coming home, but he couldn’t allow it.  Not now.  He was trying to move forward and he owed this to Sam.  He owed this to himself.

A warm hand on his hip broke him out of his thoughts, and he turned to see Sam smiling at him.  “Well, cariad, what do you think?”

“Fairly brilliant,” he said with a tiny smirk.  “Very…homey.”

Sam rolled his eyes.  “Such a city boy, eh.  Well, come see what else this place has.”  He dragged Oliver down a small hallway first to the bedroom to throw their suitcases inside, then to a door across the hall.  It opened up suddenly, to a surprisingly large bathroom which was very,
very
posh.

The place had marbled countertops, tiled floors, and a huge bathtub that could easily fit three fully grown people.  There were small, silver jets on the sides, and the shelves along the walls held what looked like bottles of pearly soaps and frilly hand towels.

“Wow,” Oliver breathed.

“I know.  I thought we could end our night in here.  Take some time to…soak.”  Sam dragged the tip of his finger around the shell of Oliver’s ear, eliciting a small moan from the shorter man.  “Does that sound alright to you?”

“Mm, it might,” Oliver hummed.

“Maybe a little more than
fairly
brilliant?”

With a laugh, Oliver turned in Sam’s arms and grabbed him by the back of the neck.  “Maybe a little more than that.”  Then he kissed him, slow and careful, bringing one hand to Sam’s cheek.  “Thank you.  This is really lovely.”

Sam grinned.  “Of course.  Only the best for the man I’m in love with.”

Oliver felt a wash of guilt, but the smile on Sam’s face was genuine enough that Oliver could let it go.  They headed back into the bedroom to freshen up, and decided a nice dinner would take the edge off their long day of travel.

“And after,” Sam said as they started toward a small pub, “a nice, long bath.”

***

Oliver intended on waiting a little longer before springing the move-in on Sam, but as they lounged in the bubbling jets, it felt like the right time.  He was perched between Sam’s legs, both of them half-hard and enjoying the feeling of each other’s skin on skin.

Oliver’s hair was dripping, and Sam was massaging soap along his scalp gently when Oliver realized he was happy.  Content, even.  Not the same as he had been, but it was a change.  A good one.

“That feels amazing,” Oliver said, turning his head for a kiss.  “Why have we never done this before?”

“Because,” Sam said, easing Oliver forward to recline so he could rinse the bubbles from his hair, “you were being a bit of an idiot about things.”

Oliver laughed as he shook his head in the water, coming up with dripping locks down around the sides of his face.  He smiled as Sam reached forward to brush his hair back, and then came in for another kiss.  “Reckon I was a bit.”

“That’s what happens when someone carves your heart into little pieces, and takes a few with them when they go,” Sam said, pressing his palm to Oliver’s chest.  “It never heals up the same way.”

Oliver let out a shaking breath.  “You know,
I
broke it off with
him
.”

“Outcome’s the same still, innit?” Sam asked.

Oliver shrugged, starting to feel vaguely uncomfortable about the direction the conversation was taking.  He had skillfully avoided talking about Gabe much, at least nothing more than the bare bones of the story.  He was a good person who was there during a bad time in Oliver’s life, and it had ended quietly but painfully.  Oliver never gave much more than that, and until now, Sam hadn’t asked for more.

“Will you tell me about him?”

Oliver felt his throat constrict, and he coughed to clear it.  “Sorry?”

“The one who got away.  The lucky bastard who managed to crack through your walls and earn your love.”

With a small huff, Oliver leaned back against his chest.  “You don’t think that’s a bit, I dunno, morbid?  Us being on our couple’s holiday and talking about exes?”

Sam chuckled into the top of Oliver’s hair.  “Maybe if I were the jealous type.  But I just want to know more.  I know it was a tough time for you, and I’m not asking you to reopen old wounds.  I’d just like to know what it was about him you loved so much.”

Closing his eyes, Oliver ignored the stabbing pain in his chest as he allowed himself to conjure up the memory of Gabe.  “It’s hard to put it into words, if I’m being honest.  He was…God he was rude sometimes, so snarky and sarcastic, but also lovely.  Wild, dark curls, dimples in his stupid cheeks.  A big nose that made me want to bite it all the time.”  He swallowed and felt waves of pleasure and pain mixing in his belly at these memories.

“Big cock?” Sam asked with a snicker, and Oliver immediately stiffened.

“I don’t see why his genitals matter,” he snapped.

Sam backed off, pushing Oliver up by the shoulders.  “Hey, I was only joking.  I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Shaking his head, Oliver let out a breath.  “It’s just…never mind.  It was just so much more than the sex.  It was the first time I let myself feel for anyone.  I dunno what it was about him exactly, at least nothing I could put into words.  But we spent a night together taking care of Leo after he’d passed out, and the moment I walked away, I knew I would be walking back.  Saying those words to him the night I broke things off, was the hardest thing I have ever done.”

“Do you regret it?” Sam asked, carefully massaging Oliver’s shoulders.

Oliver shook his head.  “Not really.  Not for him, anyway.  He deserved better, and I was a right mess.  Me and Leo both.  Gabe knew it.  I wanted to move forward in the relationship, but he kept putting a stop to it because he knew I was going to fall apart and he was protecting himself.  In the end he wanted to help me, to put himself at risk to make sure I could get better, and I knew it would only end up destroying him.  I couldn’t focus on myself if I was consumed with him.”

Licking his lips, Sam’s hand moved from Oliver’s shoulder to his cheek, and his thumb rubbed along the skin there.  “You could try and find him again, you know?”

“I could do, yeah,” Oliver admitted.  “Not the first time I’ve thought about it.  But honestly, it’s better this way.  I want him to be happy.  I want him to have moved on with someone who treats him the way he deserves to be treated.  Who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.”

Very carefully, Sam brought his face in and captured Oliver’s lips in a chaste, slow kiss.  When he pulled back, he pressed their foreheads together.  “You’re a good man, Oliver Sasaki.  You deserve love just the same.”

Oliver wrapped his hands around the back of Sam’s neck.  “I know I do.  And I know I’m a shit to you a lot of the time, but don’t for a second think I don’t realize how lucky I am to have you.”  He paused, then carefully pushed away.  “Stay here.  I have something for you.”