Endless, Forever (18 page)

Oliver rose, walking over to drop a kiss on Leo’s forehead.  “Be back with your cake.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know I am,” Oliver said as he went for his coat.  “You should tell me more often, though.”

“I like your head the size it is now, thanks,” Leo shouted back.  “Be safe, Sammy-boy.”

The pair left, closing the door with a firm click, and Sam took Oliver’s hand in a tight grip.  It was warm and comforting, and though Oliver should have felt contentment from a safe, healthy, loving relationship, he didn’t.

He missed Gabe, and as infectious as his mother’s abuse had ever been, so was his lost love.

Pushing it aside, he gave his boyfriend a smile as he was led down to the street and dragged out for their date.

Chapter Twenty-One

The dinner was amazing.  The food was wonderful, and the conversation was as pleasant as ever.  For moments at a time, Oliver could forget everything—where he was and why, his past, the potential for his future.  He was nothing more than a grad student working on his dissertation, with a sweet, caring boyfriend.

“Alright,” Sam said as he took care of the bill, “we should head for the tube, yeah?  We can swing by Tesco’s and grab Leo his cake on the way.”

“He’s going to be less than thrilled to get a Tesco’s cake,” Oliver said with a slight laugh.

“Yes well,” Sam put his arm around Oliver’s waist and squeezed lightly, grinning, “that’s what the little shit gets for asking this late at night.  All the good shops are closed.”

Oliver rolled his eyes, but they fell in step outside, holding on to each other lightly.  Oliver rested his head on Sam’s shoulder as they made their way up the street, and he felt good.  Maybe not content, but he started to wonder if he could settle for these moments of happy.  He could build a future on that.

“I was thinking we ought to get away soon,” Sam said as they rounded the corner.  The shop was just up ahead, and luckily it was late enough that there wasn’t much of a crowd.  “Maybe Cornwall?”

Oliver pulled a face.  “The bloody hell is in Cornwall?”

“A beach,” Sam said with a playful laugh.  “A very nice room with a big bath tub.  Nice pubs.  The fact that we’d be on holiday together not in London.  No dissertation papers,” he muttered, stopping before the entrance to the shop and pushing Oliver against the wall.

Oliver let out a groan.  “Mm, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

Sam snickered as he pressed his face against the side of Oliver’s neck, leaving a slow, dull, sucking kiss.  “Yeah?  You like that?  No laptops, no research material.  No internet.”

Oliver giggled, low in the back of his throat as his hands came around the back of Sam’s neck and held him tight.  “So a weekend away?  You think we’re ready for that?”

“Six months, you know,” Sam murmured, and lifted his face to kiss Oliver.  “I think we’ve earned a short holiday, cariad.”

“Alright,” Oliver said from behind a breath.  But although he was grinning, something was uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach.  “Let’s plan something in a couple of weeks, yeah?”

“Good,” Sam said with a wide smile.

Oliver felt extreme relief when the subject was dropped, and they went into the shop for Leo’s cake.  They found something passable and snickered a little as they headed out, knowing for all of Leo’s snobbery, he’d probably just be happy for the chocolate.

The ride on the tube was short enough, and Oliver paused just outside his flat when they finally arrived.  “Do I get an invite up?” Sam asked with a waggle of his brows.

Oliver let out a small breath.  “I…really shouldn’t.”

“Come on, babes,” Sam pressed.  “We almost never spend the night together.  I know you’re busy but…”

“It’ll be better when I’m done, I promise,” Oliver swore, but he could hear the lie behind his words.  He’d been keeping Sam at a distance since the beginning, and Sam knew it.  “Please?”

Sam’s eyes flashed with caution and disappointment, but he acquiesced with a slump of his shoulders.  “Alright.  I
do
have the promise of the holiday, which means I get you all to myself for a whole weekend.”

Oliver nodded, his smile feeling plastered on and saccharine, but if Sam noticed, he didn’t say anything.  Instead he cupped Oliver’s cheeks and kissed him long and slow.  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Oliver whispered, cutting the kiss off short.

Sam nodded, pressing several close-mouthed kissed to Oliver’s cheeks.  “Yes, you will.  Have a good night.”

Oliver hummed and watched Sam walk off before he headed inside.  The walk up the stairs was painfully long, but gave Oliver a little time to sort out his head.  He knew what he was doing.  He’d been examining himself and his habits, the poor way he dealt with uncomfortable situations, for over a year now.  And Sam was no fool.  He had to be aware that Oliver was keeping him at a distance.

But he couldn’t help himself.  He didn’t feel ready to move on.  Maybe he felt he was undeserving, or maybe it really was that no one would ever measure up to Gabriel, but it was what it was.  Oliver couldn’t change it.

He felt dejected and low by the time he stepped in, and was only a little annoyed to see Leo still up when he got in.  His brother was curled up on the couch near the window, the TV on in the background without the sound, and his laptop on his knee.  He looked between the bag Oliver carried, and his brother’s face.

“Tesco’s?  Really?  You go to the poshest restaurant in all of London, and you bring me a Tesco’s cake?”

“You want it or not?” Oliver asked flatly.

“Bring me a fork, you arse.”

Oliver snatched two out of the drawer and plopped down next to his brother.  He popped the plastic lid off and together they dug in.  “It’s actually not bad,” Oliver mused a few bites in.

“Well, you could have done worse,” Leo admitted, licking the side of his fork.  “Is there a reason you just stuffed yourself stupid on a two-hundred quid dinner, and are now eating cake that cost a tenner?”

Oliver stared down at the gooey sweet for a long moment.  “Sam wants to go on holiday together.  To Cornwall.”

“And that upsets you?” Leo asked wryly.  “Cornwall is offensive to your spoilt and delicate nature?”

Oliver gave his brother a withering glower.  “It’s not Cornwall.  I just… dunno if I want to do that.  To take that step together.”

“So quick afternoon buggery and once a month staying over at his flat are fine, but holidays are right out?  I really don’t understand your logic here.”

“I just…he’s not…” Oliver said weakly, flapping his free arm a bit.

Leo looked at him sharply.  “He’s not Gabriel, is what you’re saying.”

Oliver had been good about never saying Gabe’s name aloud, about avoiding it at all costs, and Leo had picked up on that right away.  So to hear it now, in the dark of their flat in the middle of the night, it felt like a physical blow and he winced.  “I should be over it by now.  I had closure, you know.  I ended it with him, and with good reason.  He needed someone far better off than I was.”

“Closure and good reasons don’t erase heartbreak, you know,” Leo pointed out.  “I know I’m not the best judge here—I never had anything particularly healthy, but I can still tell the pair of you loved the hell out of each other.”

Oliver leaned his head back against the cushion and closed his eyes against the impending pain.  “I just thought it might stop hurting by now, you know?  That the sound of his name wouldn’t feel like someone was boiling my insides.”

Leo took another bite, staring thoughtfully into the distance.  “Have you ever thought about trying to contact him?  Maybe sorting things out, having a chat or something?  Maybe it would help.”

“I’m not sure I could bear it.  I mean, I’m still sorting myself out.”  He took a long, slow breath.  “I thought I might, once the nightmares stopped, but they haven’t yet. I can’t talk to him until I’m…until I’ve become something better than I was.”

“You
are
,” Leo said fiercely, dropping his fork to curl his long fingers around Oliver’s wrist.  “You’ve done amazing this far, and you deserve to be loved.  Whether it’s by Sam or Gabriel, or some fit bloke you meet tomorrow, you deserve it.”

Oliver looked at Leo for a while, then gave him his softest smile.  “You know I love you, right?”

Leo rolled his eyes.  “You’re such a ponce.  But yes, I do.  Lucky me.”

Oliver snorted a laugh and shoved his brother before they resumed their cake.  Before long, they turned their attention to the TV, and eventually Oliver was tired enough to head off for bed.  For the first time that week, the nightmares didn’t come.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Met with an armful of wild hair and lithe limbs, Oliver lifted Coco off the ground in a huge hug.  It had been too long since he’d seen anyone from his former life, and though he thought it would be hard, having her there with him was the biggest comfort he’d found since returning to London.

Her laugh rang in his ear as she kissed the side of his face, swiping at the lipstick stain she left behind.  Standing back, she took him by the shoulders and looked him up and down.  “Christ, look at you!  You look
amazing
, Ollie.”

His grin spread wide at the sound of his old nickname.  It hurt a little, reminding him of what he’d lost, but her voice was a comfort he hadn’t realized he’d been craving.  “And you, my little señorita!  How’s Spain?”

“Wonderful, of course.  Mostly because
I’m
there,” she said with a laugh, grabbing her suitcase and dragging it behind them.  They headed out of the airport, and Oliver immediately hailed a cab.  “It’s nice to get away for a bit, though.  My family’s not happy I’ve come here instead of back to California, but I can’t deal with them right now.”

Oliver frowned as he gave directions to his flat.  “What?  Why?  You were always so close to them.”

“I’m…”  She lowered her voice.  “I’m engaged.  Met this amazing woman at work.  Uhg, you would just
love
her, Ollie.  She
gets
me, you know?  Like everything about me.  Doesn’t have any unrealistic expectations about our relationship.  Doesn’t ask me to compromise.”  She leaned her head against the window, tilted toward him, and her smile was more serene than he’d ever seen it.  “Her name’s Claudia.”

“Do I get to meet her?”

Coco laughed brightly.  “When you come visit, absolutely.  We want to take our Honeymoon in Cabo.”

Oliver laughed.  “I expect a wedding invite at the very least.  But your family…?”

“They’re…my parents are conservative Catholics, you know?  So obviously the church wouldn’t be performing our wedding—not that I’d want it to.  But they don’t understand, and I’m tired of the lectures.  They think this is all some phase, some act of rebellion.  I’m tired of trying to get them to accept me for who I am.  So if they want to be this way, they won’t be included in my life.”

Oliver reached out, brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear.  “You deserve only the best, love.  And some day your family will see that.”

“I hope so,” she said, the mood dropping a bit.  “But for now, we won’t worry about it.  I’m here for a—how the hell’d you use to say it?  A week-long piss-up?”

Oliver threw his head back and laughed.  “Yes.  We’ll get wankered on good English beer and shitty pub food, and I’ll show you all the best parts of being British.”

“Well you know I’ve been waiting for this a long time,” she said, waggling her finger at him.  “And that brother of yours, too.  I miss living with you two.”

Oliver smiled warmly.  “Yeah.  We miss you too.”

They reached the flat ten minutes later, Oliver paying the fee, and he helped Coco get her things up the stairs.  Leo sent a text saying he’d be home within the hour, so Oliver showed Coco the shower to wash the plane smell off as he fixed tea.

By the time she was done, dressed, and hair dried, Leo had returned and she ran into his arms, as warm and fierce as she had with Oliver at the airport.  Leo held her tight, his eyes suspiciously bright as he pressed a kiss to her face.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he said.

Coco palmed his face.  “I’ve missed my YouTube eyeliner tutorial best friend, you know,” she scolded.  “I mean okay, I know I’m the one who left, but it’s not the same without you.”

Leo rolled his eyes, but was grinning as he took the offered cup of tea and the three of them went into the living room to sit.  “So tell me everything.  Whilst you were drying your hair, Oliver mentioned some fiancée you have.  Spare no details.  Not a single one.”

Coco went on to describe her fiancée, and as she spoke, Oliver realized what he was missing.  That spark in his eye, the tone in his voice that said even something as simple as not being in the same room as his lover caused him pain.  He was missing the desire to kiss his lover all the time, to feel empty when his arms weren’t around him.

He didn’t have that with Sam, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was keeping him at bay, or if it just wasn’t right.  But he wanted it.  He missed that feeling so much, and he knew Leo had been right earlier.  He was a better person now, and he deserved all those things.

***

That night, Coco was restless, so they decided to go out for a few drinks.  Oliver insisted on the local for the first, not wanting to traipse all around London.  After some insistence from Coco, he sent a text to Sam to have him meet up for the pint.

Oliver hadn’t talked to Coco much about his relationship with Sam, but it was clear she could read it from his face he wasn’t entirely happy.  Not like he had been in California.

“Why are you with him if you don’t really like him?” she insisted, poking him in the shoulder.

Oliver sighed.  “I
do
like him, actually.  He’s fit, he’s nice, a really good shag.  He likes me well enough.”

“Only he’s not Gabriel,” Leo said, a wry smile over his fizzy water.

Understanding dawned on Coco’s face, and Oliver rushed to stop her from saying anything.  “That isn’t it.  It
really
isn’t.  He and I are just taking things slow.  I don’t want to get in over my head like I did last time.”

“But you said your therapy went well,” Coco pointed out.  She paused to take a drink of her martini.  “And wasn’t that the problem last time?”

Oliver shrugged.  “Part of it, yes.  Part of it was me not knowing how the bloody fuck to behave in a relationship.”

“I think you’ll actually like him,” Leo told their friend.  “He’s pretty brilliant, and he looks at Oliver like the sun shines out his arse.  It’s a shame, really.”

Oliver pulled a face, but didn’t say anything more as he saw Sam walk in through the door.  He gave Coco and Leo a firm glare before waving him over, and was greeted with a short, swift kiss as Sam took the remaining seat at the pub table.

“Well, well, he
is
cute,” Coco said before any introductions were made.

Oliver rolled his eyes.  “Christ.  Coco, this is Sam, Sam—the ex-housemate I am now regretting inviting over to our lovely country.”

“Lovely and dreary,” Coco said, extending her hand.  “Nice to meet you.”

“Oh, likewise.  I’ve been waiting for this quite some time now.  I kept telling Oliver I was looking forward to meeting the people who knew him back when he was nearly American.”

“You’re an arse,” Oliver muttered as Coco laughed.

“He
was
pretty American, let me tell you,” she said with a huge grin.  “He had like nine guns and every piece of clothing he owned had an American flag on it.  He also didn’t offer me tea ever at all.”

“You are a filthy, rotten liar,” Oliver snapped with a grin.  “I
always
offered tea.”

“But the guns and flags?”

“Well,” Oliver said loftily, “when in Rome.”

Sam threw his head back, howling with laughter and the entire table fell prey to it.  Sam slung his arm around Oliver’s shoulders, pulling him in for a short kiss.  “This is why you’re fantastic.  Have you lot been here long?”

“Nah, just one drink in,” Coco said and hopped off her chair.  “Come on, Ollie.  I need a refill.  Sam?  What are you having?”

“Pint, love.  Ta!”

Coco grabbed Oliver’s hand and dragged him up to the bar before rounding on him.  “Break up with him.”

Oliver gaped at her.  “What?  Come on darling, he’s not
that
bad.  Honestly, he’s…”

“Oh, I know,” she said, waving her hand.  “But he’s head over heels in love with you and if you don’t feel the same way, you need to end it.  If you’re not there by now, you won’t ever be.  Trust me.”

Oliver bowed his head.  “Buggering fuck.”

She laughed and grasped his shoulder.  “Yeah.  I don’t know how the hell you get yourself wrapped up in shit like this, but will you trust me, please?  If you like him well enough, you need to stop before he gets in any deeper.”

Oliver’s face pinked, but he knew she was right, and it was awful.  But he was an adult, he was mastering his problems and emotions, and he knew he couldn’t allow himself to string Sam on any longer.  It was only fair.

“I’ll go back to his tonight and end it.”  He leaned his head on her shoulder and sighed.  “How’ve I got on this far without you?”

“I don’t know, but I’m surprised it’s not a bigger disaster than it is now,” she said with a grin, then ordered drinks to take back.

The rest of the evening was massively subdued as Oliver knew what he had to do.  Every time Sam touched him, leaned in for a kiss, smiled in that absurdly affectionate way he did, Oliver felt his gut twist harder.  Breaking up with Gabe had been the most painful thing he had ever done, but it was in the middle of learning his brother had come close to overdosing, and the knowledge he would be moving back to London.

This was the first time he’d be participating in something so adult.  Something so responsible, and something that wasn’t about him.

“Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Oliver said, leaning into Sam near the end of the evening.  “Can I come back to yours for a bit?”

Sam brightened.  “Of course.  Actually there was something I wanted to talk to you about as well.”

Licking his lips, Oliver nodded, and only hoped he could get in what he wanted to say before Sam could.  Not because he was afraid Sam would end things first, but because he was afraid of Sam making it harder.

“We’ll catch you two later, yeah?” Oliver said with a knowing look at Coco.

She leaned in to kiss his cheek, then hugged Sam.  “It was good to meet you, Sam.”

“Hope you see you again, love,” Sam replied.

Coco didn’t bother with a response, only shooting Oliver a quick look before she and Leo went the opposite direction.

Sam took Oliver’s hand as they walked down the street and Oliver didn’t have the heart to stop him, though when Sam squeezed his fingers, he didn’t reciprocate.  Luckily Sam’s flat was close enough, and ten minutes later, he was sitting in the living room looking even more awkward than he felt.

“So,” Oliver said at the exact time as Sam said, “Well…”

They both laughed, and Sam shook his head.  “Let me go first, yeah?”

“Well, what I have to say is…”

“Please,” Sam begged, interrupting him.

Licking his lips, Oliver let out a breath.  “You might regret it, you know.”

Sam’s expression faltered, and he let out a tiny sigh.  “I think you’re about to split up with me, and if that’s the case, I want to go first.  So, let me?”

Oliver felt like he was hit by a punch in the gut, and he cleared his throat.  “Go on, then.”

Sam’s expression was more cautious now as he looked at Oliver.  “I’m not an idiot, you know.  I can tell you’re pushing me away, and I can tell you don’t care for me as much as I care for you.  I know part of it’s your past, and part of it is probably you just not quite knowing how to love someone.”

“Sam,” Oliver said tiredly.

“No, let me finish,” Sam said, holding up his hand.  “I’m in love with you.  I think I was half in love the second you walked into the office, and it was less than a month before I was completely smitten.  I think maybe your brother—maybe your friend as well—are telling you to cut me loose to spare me.  I know how these things work. I’ve been on both sides of this situation before.  But I want you to give me a chance, to give yourself a chance to properly fall in love.”

Rubbing his face, Oliver shook his head.  “I just don’t…”

“Oliver, you haven’t even tried.  We don’t spend time together, we don’t sleep over at each other’s.  We have short dates, quick shags, and occasional snogs.  If you let yourself try, I think we could be good.”

Oliver pursed his lips.  “So what, exactly, are you suggesting?”

“That you let me tell you how I feel.  Let me say I love you, knowing I won’t expect it back until you feel it.  And…”  Oliver could tell from Sam’s expression whatever was coming, it was big.  “And I want us to move in together.”

Oliver choked on his own tongue for a moment.  “You what?  Are you
mad
?”

“No, I’m not.  I think it could be good for us.  I think that we should go on our holiday, and then you can move in here with me.  Leo’s in a good place now, and he can get a flatmate if he needs the company.  Or…or I can move in with you if he prefers,” Sam added in a hurry, seeing the uncomfortable look on Oliver’s face.  “But I think we should dive right in and give it a go.  If in six months you still don’t feel the same, then we call it quits.”

Oliver blinked at him in absolute shock.  “Sam, I…I’m still in love with my ex.  I keep comparing you to him.  I’m not any
good
for you.”