Endless, Forever (10 page)

Chapter Eleven

One drink turned into a two-day binge.  It had been years since Oliver let himself go like that, and with good reason.  He was not a nice drunk, or a particularly careful one.  He forgot about checking in with Gabe, forgot about classes, research, or homework.  He barely made it home in the wee hours of the early mornings, woke late, and the next night dragged an eager Leo out to club after club.

It wasn’t until one in the morning the third day that Oliver bothered to remember he had a boyfriend who was probably worried about him.  And it was only because he walked in on his brother getting a blow job in the bathroom by someone who had curly hair like the man Oliver hadn’t been missing.

He turned away from the bathroom, fumbling for his phone, but it had died hours before.  The club no longer held any interest for him.  What he wanted was the warm, comforting arms of his boyfriend, soft lips and seeking hands all over his body.  He was done with trying to drink away his pain.  He wanted to be with the person he loved.

With a mission on his mind, he stumbled out of the bar and somehow managed to find his way across town to Gabe’s building.  The front doors were unlocked, and he stumbled up the stairs, stopping to nearly be sick all over the floor a few times, but eventually he made it to the landing.

Reaching the door, he leaned on the door frame and pounded on the wood over and over until the door flung open, and a bleary-eyed Gabriel appeared.

“Oliver?  What the fuck?  Do you have
any
idea what time it is?”

Oliver gave him a wolfish smile.  “Shag o’clock?”  He snickered at his own pun.  “Shag my
cock
, more like.”  He started to take a step inside, but Gabe put a hand out, pushing him back, and Oliver gaped at him.  “What the bloody
hell
, Gabe?  I haven’t seen you in ages.  Haven’t you missed me?”

“You’re completely wasted,” Gabe said, his voice hoarse with sleep, “and you haven’t called or texted me in days.”

“But m’here now,” Oliver whined.  He pushed against Gabe’s hand, but his boyfriend was unmoving.

“Look, go home and sleep it off.  Call me in the morning if you bother to remember, and you can explain why you ghosted on me for two fucking days.  I’m not doing this right now.”

“Bloody, fucking, sodding
hell
, were you always such a nag?” Oliver grumbled.  “Honestly I can think of a hundred better things you can do with your mouth than complain.”  When Gabe stared at him, no expression, he snickered.  “Suck my cock, for one.”

Gabe gave him a hard shove and he stumbled backward, toppling over and landing on his backside.  “If you go home right now, I
might
find it in me to pretend this conversation never happened.”  With that, without a second of ceremony, Gabriel slammed the door and Oliver heard the lock snick into place.  Then the chain on the door.

From where he sat, Oliver stared disbelieving at the door, his head shaking.  “I can’t believe…”  He stopped when his head swam and his stomach lurched, and it was by some miracle he didn’t heave up the vicious, bitter liquor he’d been consuming all night.

There was nothing to be done now.  He knocked a few more times, but when Gabe didn’t come back, he muttered a few curses under his breath and stumbled back home.  The door was unlocked and Coco was nowhere to be found, so Oliver heaved himself upstairs and into his own bed.

It had stopped smelling like Gabriel, and now just contained the faint, ugly scent of alcohol-sweat and old cigarettes.  His head was pounding, and he knew the morning was going to be painful, but at least while his head was occupied with the drink, he wasn’t thinking of his mother.

Or if he was, at least he wasn’t missing the mother she should have been.

***

Come morning, Oliver woke earlier than he had the last two days, full of hangover and regret.  He hadn’t been drunk enough to black out, which left him foggy memories of showing up at Gabriel’s.  The post-binge guilt was seeping into his bones as he dragged himself from the bed and into the shower.  By the time he was clean and dressed, he was wallowing in self-hatred.

He had not only contributed to Leo’s falling off the wagon in a spectacularly violent fashion, but he’d also alienated the one person who really wanted to be there for him.  He couldn’t even begin to wonder if he’d done irreparable damage to his relationship with Gabriel.

The last thing he needed now was to lose the person he loved.

With a sigh, Oliver passed by Leo’s room, dismayed to see his brother hadn’t made it home that night.  He could only hope the man Leo had been with in the bathroom had been kind enough to take care of him, but he didn’t have it in him to worry much.  Right now, he had some major groveling to do.

He found his way to the kitchen, grateful there was half a bottle of orange juice, and poured himself a glass as he plugged in his phone and pushed on Gabe’s contact.  It rang, and just when he was sure it would go to voicemail, a hesitant voice picked up.

“I hope you’re sober.”

“I am.  And more sorry than I have ever been,” Oliver said quietly.  “Any chance we could meet up?”

There was a long pause, then a quiet sigh.  “I have to work until two.  Then I have a meeting with someone about a school project, but I could see you after.”

“Come by mine?” Oliver offered, not wanting to invite himself into Gabe’s space until he was certain his boyfriend had forgiven him.

“I don’t know.  Is your bother home?”

Oliver frowned.  “Erm, no.  He didn’t come back last night, but he probably will be by the time you’re finished.”

“Then no.  Meet me at that little park by the café.  We can talk there.”

Oliver felt like he was being punched in the gut, and he put a hand to his forehead to quell the sudden dizziness Gabe’s words caused.  “Are you chucking me?  Is this like…a break-up conversation?”

There was another long pause before Gabe answered.  “I don’t know yet.  We’ll talk later.”

Oliver opened his mouth to tell the other man he was sorry again, that he loved him, that he hadn’t meant it, but the line was dead.  Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Oliver glanced at the clock and realized he had time to make it to a class, but there was no way he’d be able to concentrate after this.

Deciding he’d be better off going for a walk to clear his head, he grabbed his keys and left.  The day was nice out, sunny without a hint of fog.  There was a slight breeze coming from the direction of the shores, but he kept away from the water.

The tourist population was picking up slowly, the shops busier than they had been in weeks, and Oliver found himself browsing, grabbing a couple of trinkets he thought Gabe might like.  He found a hat which reminded him of Leo, and a little gold necklace for Coco.  He stopped by a little sidewalk café and had lunch, then by two, he was heading back to his place to wait.

The door was still locked, and as he went upstairs to his room, he poked his head into Leo’s room to find it still bare.  Hoping his brother was alright, Oliver put his little gifts on his bed, then headed down for his phone.

A few texts waited.  One from Leo asking if he was going out again tonight, two from Coco reminding him to leave his rent on the counter, and that she’d be home tonight so he had better have any mess picked up.  And the last from Gabe, saying his lab group had been cancelled and he could meet at three.

Oliver glanced at the clock, then sent a hurried text back, letting Gabe know he’d be there.  Slipping into the bathroom, he checked his appearance, pulled his hair up into a high bun, then grabbed his phone and rushed out the door.

He wanted to get there early, to compose himself, to think of how to explain his mental state over the last few days.  But how could he, when he didn’t understand it himself?  When his emotions were buried too deep and had been for too long that he wasn’t sure up from down anymore.

But he had to try.  He loved Gabriel far too much to let this go so easily.

He was slightly out of breath by the time he reached the park.  He wanted to get there before Gabriel, to give himself a little more time to prepare his apology, but he saw his would-be boyfriend already sitting on a low bench under a tree.  Gabe was dressed casually, in jogging pants and a tight t-shirt, and he was holding a couple of to-go coffee cups.  He gave Oliver a very cautious smile as he approached, and tipped one of the cups up in greeting.

“Hey.”  Oliver sat, giving a full body’s worth of space between them.  When Gabe offered over the drink, Oliver took it, and immediately smelled a fragrant jasmine tea.  He smiled just a little, sipping on the bitter, floral liquid.  “Thanks.”

“Thought you could use something,” Gabe said, clutching his own between his hands so tight, the paper began to bow.

“Yeah.”  Oliver used his free hand to rub down his face, curving his fingers around the outside of his mouth down to his chin.  “I erm…I really am sorry.  About last night.  Or…this morning.  Whatever.  I was a complete twat.”

Gabe let out a small, tense laugh.  “Yeah, you were.”

“I…fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Gabe said, offering a slow nod, “you did.  I don’t like being talked to like that.  I am not your personal fuck toy.”

“That wasn’t…I didn’t…”  Oliver cleared his throat, trying not to stumble over his words.  “I love you, Gabriel.  I have never thought of you that way,
ever
.  I just…my head wasn’t right.”

“Were you high?”

Oliver blinked in surprise.  “No.  Christ, no I was just drunk.  And stupid.  And fucking sad, I think.”

Leaning back on the bench, Gabe stretched one arm along the edge, not touching Oliver, but closer than he had been.  He sipped on his tea, then set it down on the ground and took a breath.  “I think you should explain.  Because the last time we parted, you and I were planning a trip to Hawaii, and you said you were going to text me later.  Then I don’t hear a thing until two days later when you show up at my door at one thirty in the morning, drunk out of your mind, and ruder than you have ever been.”

Oliver felt his cheeks go white-hot with embarrassment, and he looked down at the ground between his feet.  “My mum’s dying.”  His voice went tight against his will, and he cleared his throat hard.  “Early onset Alzheimer’s, or so my dad says.  It’s aggressive, and she doesn’t have long.  My father decided he should ask my brother and me to go back to London, to take care of her.”

Gabe swallowed, then nodded.  “I see.”

Oliver rubbed his face again, still not looking up.  “I was so angry.  I couldn’t believe he…he had the
bollocks
to ask me to go there.  To take care of her.  To set aside what she’s done to me like somehow she deserves…”  He felt his voice rising and he stopped, trying to contain his emotions.  “Like somehow she deserves more care than I ever did,” he finished in a quieter tone.  “My father wasn’t pleased.  Leo was relieved, of course.  I think he was afraid I’d say yes and make him go back there.  I didn’t know what to do.”

“So you attempted to drink yourself into oblivion?” Gabe asked, his voice just a little tense now.  “You didn’t think to call me?”

“No!  I hadn’t…”  Oliver growled in frustration.  “It wasn’t my intention to get fucking pissed, you know.  I just…I thought a drink to unwind would help, and then everything sort of…got out of control.”

Gabe sighed.  “Ollie, I’m sorry about your mom.”

This caused Oliver to look over sharply, almost surprised, and he saw the honest remorse on his boyfriend’s face.  “There’s nothing to be sorry for.  You
know
she deserves this.”

“But
you
don’t,” Gabe said very quietly.  “You don’t deserve to feel obligated to a woman who had you tortured.  One who never really loved you—or if she did, it was a toxic love.  But you have to learn to deal with shit better.  You can’t talk to me that way and then expect me to just forgive you.”

Oliver clutched his paper cup hard.  “I
know
.  I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.  But I
am
sorry, and I
do
love you very much.”

After a moment, Gabe moved closer, and Oliver tried not to let his eyes get hot or his throat tingle with tears that wanted to fall.  A warm hand fell on Oliver’s thigh and squeezed.  “I know you love me.  And I love you.  I want to be here for you, but you can’t…”

“I know,” Oliver interrupted in a rush, and finally turned to Gabe.  “I won’t again.  I swear.”

Gabe lifted his hand from Oliver’s thigh, and cupped it around the side of his neck.  “I’m going to hold you to that.”

Oliver let out a slightly wet laugh and set the tea down, shifting over so Gabe could put his arms around Oliver’s middle.  He nuzzled against Gabe’s neck, breathing in his scent, and felt more comforted than he ever had in his life.  “You can hold me to anything you want—and I don’t mean that dirty.  Well…not really.”

Gabe laughed very softly.  “Mm, right.”

“I just mean, I want to be held to a higher standard.  I don’t like behaving the way I did.  It’s not who I am.  I just couldn’t stand feeling the way I was feeling, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”