Enchanted and Desired (46 page)

“Hi baby. They said she was strong enough for me to hold her for a little while this morning. She’s doing so well. Look at her Si. Look at our baby girl. Isn’t she the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” I’m mesmerized as she strokes Verona’s cheek with her thumb.

“She’s perfect. You’re both perfect. God, I love you Jess. Thank you so much for giving me a daughter. I promise I’m going to be the best dad I can be.” Jess gently caresses my face with her free hand, lifting my gaze to meet hers.

“You already
are
the best dad. You didn’t just save my life Si, you saved Verona’s too. I know that she is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her daddy. Would you like to hold her?”

“She’s so small, I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You won’t. Grab a chair and you can sit with her for a while.” I do as she says, my adrenaline pumping as my nerves spread throughout my entire body.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for two weeks, dreaming about what it will feel like to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time, but now that it’s here, I’m scared that I won’t know what to do, or how to hold her properly.

The nurse comes over to help us, lifting Verona from her mother’s arms, and placing her in mine. My breath catches in my chest, and my heart literally skips a beat when I feel the warmth of my daughter’s little body pressed against my chest. She is so small, so fragile, and yet so strong, fighting for every moment she’s had over the past two weeks.

As I lose myself in her, taking in every tiny detail, I am overcome with an all-consuming love. Her little fingers curl around my thumb, and I fall in love with her all over again. She is sweet and innocent and mine…my daughter, my tiny Tesorina.

“Ti amo Tesorina. I hope you don’t mind me stealing you away from mommy for a little while. I just wanted to give you a cuddle and tell you how much daddy loves you baby girl.”

I study her face, enchanted by how much she resembles Jess.

We spend the entire day with her, sitting by her incubator, watching the rise and fall of her chest, marveling at the cute noises she makes, and remembering how magnificent it felt to hold her in our arms, even if it was only for a little while.

One day soon, we’ll be able to take her home, and hold her for as long as we want, but for today, I will revel in the fact that I
can
take Jess home, and I
can
hold her in my arms as she falls asleep at night. It’s hard for both of us to leave the hospital without Verona, and we feel guilty about it, but I need to make sure that Jess is fit and healthy for when we
do
get to bring our baby girl home.

I pull Jess close as we walk out into the fresh air together.

“We’ll be here all day every day until they let us bring her home, but please Jess, let me take care of you. You need to rest. I almost lost you Tesoro…I…” She presses her finger over my lips.

“Shhh, baby. Please, take me home.” A wave of relief washes over me.

“Your wish is my command.”

The drive over here was quiet; Jess’s mood, somber. I wanted to carry her up from the car, but she wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that she can manage the elevator ride up to her apartment. I can’t help but notice the tension in her body and the slight shaking as she leans into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist. I know this must be difficult for her – coming back here. I just wish I could make it better for her; that she didn’t need to face these demons.

I open the door and let her go at her own pace, slowly edging her way inside. She manages a small smile when she sees the banners, welcoming her back home.

“You did this?”

“With a little help from Brandon and Lily. There’s more. Would you like to see?” She nods her head, making sure to avert her gaze from the kitchen. It kills me to see her like this.

She struggles down the hallway towards Lily’s old room, and I don’t know if it’s the pain from surgery or the memory that is making it so hard for her. When I open the door to the new nursery, her face lights up, but it’s tinged with sadness. I wrap my arms around her.

“She’ll be home soon Jess. She’s doing great and she’s going to keep getting bigger and stronger, and before you know it, we’ll be in here at 4am in the morning, crying because we want her to go back to sleep and give us a break!” That gets a chuckle, and it’s a beautifully sweet sound.

“I can’t wait.” I kiss her hair, drinking in her scent.

“Me too baby. Me too.” She quietly sobs into my chest, and I can’t do anything to make it better, so I just hold her, for the longest time.

“You need to rest. Let’s get you changed and into bed and I’ll make us something to eat. We can watch one of your god awful chick flicks while we eat. Sound good?” She squeezes me a little tighter.

“Sounds great.”

I help her into the bedroom, and get her changed into some comfortable pajamas with funny little minions on them. Nothing like the sexy lingerie I’m used to from her, but she pulls it off, looking adorable and gorgeous.

“You okay to go to the bathroom yourself?” She rolls her eyes at me, full of mischief.

“GOD Si, let’s keep some mystery in the relationship shall we? If you see me on the toilet I will officially die of embarrassment and we will
never
have sex again due to my immeasurable shame!”

“Well I know when I’m not wanted. Never having sex with you again is NOT an option, so I’m going to go start dinner and leave you and the ‘mystery’ intact.”

I force myself into the kitchen, busying myself with preparing something simple but tasty for us eat. I grab my phone and put on some music to cook to. It only takes about fifteen minutes to throw together a pasta dish for us, which I quickly plate up and head back to Jess’s room. I guess it’s sort of my room now too, for a while at least.

As I open the door, all I can hear is Jess, sobbing her heart out. I dump the plates on the nightstand and scoop her gently into my arms.

“What’s wrong baby? Are you sore? Are your stitches okay?” She doesn’t speak, she just continues to sob into my chest. “Jess, talk to me baby, please. What can I do?”

“I can’t do it Si. I can’t do it.”

“What can’t you do Jess?” I try to lift her face to look at me, but she just burrows deeper into my chest.

“I can’t stay here. I can see it everywhere, the blood. I can’t live here anymore. I couldn’t step over the threshold into the bathroom. I just stood there, reliving it. The hallway, the kitchen, all of it – I just can’t.” I stroke her back, trying desperately to calm her, my heart breaking for her.

“Shhh baby. It’s okay. We don’t have to stay here tonight. We can go to my place if you want. We can stay there for a while.” She finally lifts her face to look at me with her tear stained cheeks and red eyes.

“But you put so much work into the nursery for Verona.”

“It doesn’t matter Jess. All that matters is that you’re happy. We can live on the moon if it makes you happy. And when you’re ready to move back here, then I’ll make it happen. Whatever you want Tesoro. You know that.”

“I want to live with you Simon…permanently. You, me and Verona. You once asked me to move in with you and I ran away, so I understand if the offer is no longer on the table, but if it is, I want it more than anything.” I’m elated and deflated at the same time. Overjoyed that Jess wants us to live together as a family, and devastated that she can’t bear to stay in her own apartment anymore.

“Of course the offer is still there. I need you to be sure though. It’s what I want; more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You and Verona mean everything to me.” She cups my face in her hands.

“I’ve wanted this since I came back to New York. I’ve wanted it since the first time you asked me, but I know I have to earn back your trust after everything I put you through.” I take her lips with my own, pouring all of the emotions I’ve been holding in, into this one kiss.

“I was stupid Jess. I should never have said those things to you, I didn’t really mean them, and when I thought I’d lost you for good, I was devastated that you could have…that you would never have known…that I wouldn’t get the chance to tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away. Please forgive me.”

She plants the softest kiss on my lips.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I gave you good reason not to trust me. I broke your heart and when you trusted me with it for a second time, I took it for granted; I wasn’t worthy of the faith you put in me and I’m so sorry for that.”

“Tesoro…” She stops me before I can continue.

“Please let me finish. I need for you to hear this. There are things you need to know.” She’s finally ready to talk to me, and I am ready to hear whatever she needs to tell me.

“I’ve been punishing you for Gavin’s mistakes. I’ve let the way he treated me influence my life for the past four years, letting it seep into every aspect of my relationships, or lack thereof. I thought I was dealing with it, moving past it, but then you walked into my life and changed everything. I didn’t tell you everything about what happened with him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened. Simon, I’ve been pregnant before.” I pull her into my arms.

“I know baby. The doctor told me that the scarring from your previous pregnancy had something to do with the bleeding.” She stares up into my eyes, searching them for…something.

“Doctor Field told me that she explained everything to you, but you never once brought it up. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured you would tell me when you were ready. You’ve been through enough Jess. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“I want to.”

Jess goes on to tell me the full, sordid, horrifying story of what really happened between her and Gavin. My heart shatters into a million pieces for the girl before me, sobbing her heart out as she tells me about him intentionally beating her, killing the baby. She talks of how she kept it to herself, feeling so ashamed that she couldn’t protect her unborn child.

My blood runs cold; filled with an all-consuming rage. I want to kill this pathetic excuse for a man that I have never met. I want to avenge the Jess that I never had a chance to meet. I want justice for the baby that he wasn’t man enough to love.

I pull Jess close, careful not to hurt her, forcing myself to stay calm, for her sake.

“I can’t believe you’ve carried this burden around with you for so long. No one should have to live through something like that alone. You amaze me Jessica Foster. You are the strongest woman I have ever met. The fact that you let me in at all, that you chose to love me; that you gave me a chance to be a dad – it blows my mind.”

“I almost ruined it all. I almost lost our baby. When I was lying on the operating table, I was so scared I wouldn’t get another chance with you. A chance to let my past go and give our future together a real shot. I was terrified that I hadn’t protected our baby. That I would never get the chance to meet her. I love you so much Simon. I won’t ever take this chance for granted. You saved my life in more ways than one. I can never thank you enough for that.”

Her broken sobs call to every protective instinct I have; every fiber of my being desperate to fix this for her. I need to kiss her, to feel her lips against mine, to feel the connection that we share so deeply.

“Tesoro, the fact that you are here with me, breathing, your beautiful heart beating in your chest – that is all I will ever need. I told you that at the hospital, and I will continue to remind you, every day for the rest of your life.”

I capture her mouth with my own, claiming what’s mine. Mine to love, and mine to protect. I kiss away each and every tear from her cheeks, planting soft feather light kisses on her tear swollen eyelids.

“NO ONE will ever hurt you like that again Jess. Not while I have breath left in my body.”

“Take me home Simon. I want to leave all the bad memories behind. I don’t want them to hold me back anymore. I want to make a life with you and Verona.
You
are my home.”

“Il tuo cuore è la mia casa, Tesoro. Ti amo.”
[Your heart is my home, Treasure. I love you.]