Empty Promises (The Promises Series Book 3) (17 page)

“Em, what are you doing?” he says, running over to me.

I’m hunched over trying to catch my breath as he pulls me down to sit in his lap, right here in the driveway. He begins rubbing my back, telling me to try and breathe deep and slow. “I didn’t … want … you to … leave,” I manage to get out.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left so abruptly. You look like you’re about to pass out and it’s all my fault.”

“Lucas … it’s not … I wanted …”

My mind won’t clear and I'm doing a fucking terrible job of trying to talk to him, so I do the next best thing I can think of. I kiss him. It’s not fast or deep because I really would pass out. Instead, it’s soft and broken. I need to keep pulling away to take little breaths before pressing my lips back to his. It’s probably the worst kiss in the history of kisses, but it’s likely the most meaningful one because I'm pretty sure I'm risking suffocation doing it. My mouth hasn’t spoken the words I love you, but I think that maybe this kiss just did.

October 29
th
, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m not going to make it to graduation. I thought at the beginning of the year that maybe I could; that if I kept myself well, ate when I was supposed to, drank when I was supposed to, took my meds, I’d have a chance.

Now I think I’d need a miracle.

I once heard someone say that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, but that saying doesn’t take into account people like me. I’m completely out of my comfort zone. But there’s no guarantee of anything beyond this. Life is now, right this second that I’m sitting here breathing, my lungs inflating and my heart beating.

This is my life.

People shouldn’t constantly strive to do things that scare them in a bid to live; their lives will be filled with fear. But they also shouldn’t sit around waiting for something epic that sparks their realization that their life has just begun. Life is what happens while you’re waiting for it to happen. It’s not always extraordinary. Most people won’t get to realize all of their hopes and dreams, but they’ll be living out new ones they never knew they wanted.

I'm staring at the envelopes, holding the letters that I’ve written for my parents and Blair. My unfinished bucket list is enclosed in Blair’s with a note asking her to complete it. It’s been sealed and sitting on my dresser for a week now, but as soon as I have the energy, I need to re-do it. I’m just waiting for a moment when I’m feeling up to it. There's a box on that list that deserves a check, and an explanation of why. Lucas Wade should feature in my letter; he’s taught me so much in such a short space of time.

Somewhere in between the silly texts, the random shopping dates, the talking and the laughter, I think I fell in love. I shouldn’t be surprised; he promised me that he’d make me fall, and so I waited. I was anticipating an epic moment of realization where I felt dizzy and excited; butterflies would take flight and my heart would skip a beat when he spoke my name. But that’s not love—that’s lust. And when I think of the way he makes me smile, and the comfort I get from knowing that he’s near…that’s what love is, or at least it’s how I know it to be.

I can’t wait to tell him I’ve finally figured it out.

IT’S NOT A good sign to be sitting and talking to yourself in the middle of a field. I’m not crazy; I know this. But it’s where I feel most close to you.

You died tonight.

You hadn’t returned any of my calls, so I drove to your house. When I pulled up, your Dad came to the door. It was the first time we’d met but he knew who I was. I’m holding onto the thought that you’ve been talking me up to your parents. He told me that it wasn’t a good time; you were inside with your nurses and I should maybe prepare myself to go tell you goodbye.

That one sentence is the worst I’ve ever heard.

It far outweighs the day the doctors told me my tumor was inoperable. I can deal with shit happening to me; I'm used to it. But to you … it’s not right. I wish to fuck I could have changed things for you.

I don’t cry. I think the last time I did I was maybe seven. Some punk kid stole my lunch money, and back then it was like the worst thing anyone could ever do to me. This is the part where I need to fess up and tell you that I was a really fat kid up until high school. I loved food. It wasn’t the money that made me cry, though, it was that I was with this really skinny kid who looked like maybe his parents didn’t have much to begin with. His pants were too short and looked like they were from a thrift store. When the asshole took his cash, too, I got in my first ever fistfight. If you’re wondering … I lost.

When I got home that night and Mom saw my fat lip, she made me tell her what happened. I’ll never forget what she said to me when she tucked me into bed that night. She said I was always going to be a lover and not a fighter, and I cried. Not because she’d basically called me a pansy, but because I couldn’t stop that asshole from stealing the kid’s money. She said to me that I shouldn’t waste my tears on hateful people, or situations that were out of my control. From then on, I haven’t. But as much as I love you, Emily, I can’t stop myself from crying right now.

Shit, I have no idea why I’m saying this. I guess I just want more time. I want to tell you my stories about growing up, but more than that, I want to hear yours. I want to know which lucky guy got your first kiss. Where your favorite place in the whole word is, and what your happiest memories of your childhood are. I hate that you can’t tell me. I feel so goddamn helpless. I couldn’t fight your cancer for you, and these tears … fuck, how can they be wasted if I’m spilling them for you? I kissed you while you were sleeping; I sat with you and held your hand. Your mom told me that she was pretty sure you knew what was going on; you were just too exhausted to open your eyes. I need to believe that when I told you I loved you, and you squeezed my hand, that was you saying it back. Wait for me, Emily. Wherever you are, I’ll come and find you.

I won’t be long.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE it’s been a year that you’ve been gone. I swear I can still hear your voice when I visit your parents’ house. They’re doing great, you know. You’d be so proud.

“I guess I should catch you up on some of the gossip. Casey’s doing pre-law at Brown. Can you believe that? I don’t think anyone took her seriously when she claimed that she was going to be a lawyer after watching
Legally Blonde
!

“Brie is … well, Brie is Brie. Her and Jackson—yeah, you heard me right, have been dating for the past six months and it’s going really well. I always claimed that the day Brie got herself a serious boyfriend was the day I’d sign up to do the New York City Marathon naked. Well, I'm not going to streak through Manhattan, but I have signed up. I’m running for Cancer Research, and I’ve already announced it on Facebook, so I have to go through with it now. Joy.

“I finally read your diary and journals. That sounds wrong, doesn’t it? They took me a long time. It was difficult for me to read, knowing they were your words, your hopes and fears. You amaze me, Miss Wilson. I have to admit, I’m sad that we didn’t get to talk about Lucas more. I had no idea any of that was going on. I get that you wanted something just for you, but I’d have liked to have spent some time with the boy that stole your heart. He must have been pretty special. I saw him briefly at your funeral, but only in passing. He looked devastated—everyone did. You’ll never know how much we all miss you every single day.”

“Are you ready, Princess?” Ethan calls from the tree he’s propped against; he’s giving me time to talk with my Emily alone. I love that he respects our privacy. There are things in a girl’s life that can only be shared with her best friend.

“Two minutes, baby,” I signal before turning back to Em’s plot. I lay the sunflowers I’ve brought her next to a huge bunch of brightly colored daisies. I pick up the card, and look to see who they’re from because they’re gorgeous. There’s no name and the note simply says, ‘Hey, beautiful.’

“I think these are from your boy,” I say to Em with a smile. “I have to go, I need to drop Ethan off at a gig, but I’ll be back soon, Emily … I promise.”

Are you ready to be TEASED?

Read on…