Emmerson's Heart (5 page)

“That just sucks now, don’t it? Get some damn friends, Emmerson. Stop being a stuck up bitch at school and let someo
ne in for a change.” God how I wanted to. I wanted to hang out with her like we used to, but it was so hard. It was too hard and I had to put the distance between us. Not that I wanted that distance, but I was forced into doing so. If it was my choice, I would toss everything aside just to have the time with her, the moment where I could just hold her and kiss her and not even care who saw. But, once again, I screwed that to hell.

“It’s not that easy, Paul.” Biting her lip, she stretched out on her back
, showing me the mounds that had developed on her chest a couple years ago. They were so perfect. Over the whole summer, that was what I had watched when she was riding Ben and wearing her tank tops. Those damn breasts of hers. For a nineteen year old, they were perfect. More perfect than Becky’s whose were barely noticeable, not enough to satisfy me at all. All I could think of were Emmerson’s and it wasn’t right. It had to stop.

“So what? You have to go to school. Dad is paying a lot for you to go and you better start thinking more of what he is giving you instead of slapping that man in the face with it every time that you come home.” A little harsh, but I had to be. I had to make sure that she kept her nice, firm ass at school in the city. I had to keep that tight body of hers away as much as possible before I completely lost control.
And this had to end with her in my bedroom, laying on my bed like she was. I was a man and a man had needs. Needs that I hadn’t fulfilled for that whole year waiting for her to graduate. And that was shot to hell, too. I was an idiot for thinking anything would have worked with her, anyway. I should have known the time apart would break us apart as it had.

“I told him that I didn’t want to go, Paul. I did. We battled over it in his office for three hours.”

“And you’re pissed because it was one fight you couldn’t win with him.” It was better in the end that my dad made Emmer follow through with the year of schooling in Billings. Her education was just as important as ours was—well Marc, Rob’s, and Will’s. That was one fight there was no winning with that man. Not at all and not even for as much as he didn’t want to send her. It killed him having to send her so far away and away from the place she considered to be home and away from the people she knew as an actual family that loved her. Besides, it was just a year and she was home on the weekends and every chance she had gotten. It wasn’t like the ranch was completely taken away from her.

But she was taken away from me. All because I had thoughts about her that I shouldn’t have. And those thoughts had gotten me into nothing but trouble. And it wasn’t like I could just tell her what went on either. I couldn’t and I would have to take that to my grave. There was no way I could ever hurt her like that. Not Emmer.

“No, I just hate it so much.” Folding her arms behind her head, my eyes shot straight to those mounds that were sticking out
, wondering what they looked like under that sweater. Hell, she had scars that her dad had left on her, but they had just brought her beauty out even more. The scars had made her more self-conscience than anything, though. Around us, she was fine and let them show, but when there was anyone else around, she made damn sure that they were covered. It was the whole reasoning behind me attacking Greg after that one date that she had managed to sneak out on while the parents were on their cruise. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her because of them, but with him, I don’t think that it would have mattered.

“What’s there to hate? You can go and screw around, Emmy. Take the damn chance at living for once. This place is going to be the death of you someday.” Th
ose thoughts of her with another man had pissed me off even more. She had to have hooked up with someone at school and that was why she hated it. If there was a man that had made fun of her because of those scars and my dad found out, they wouldn’t stand a chance. The overprotectiveness that man had for her was outrageous and I hated it. Not because I was actually his kid, but the fact that he didn’t allow her to have a life.

“I just hate being so far away. I hate not hanging out with you anymore.”

“Just grow the hell up. Life is more than that worthless horse and this stupid place. Take your chance and get the hell away from here. This place is nothing.” I just wanted to slap myself for saying those words to her. I didn’t mean them at all. Not one word. Truth was, I would rather her be home on that ranch with her crazed horse than to be so far away to school. And she would be, but my daddy sent her away following through with his rules on us kids having a good education. It was all because he wanted us to see what else was out there and gave us the choice if we wanted this ranch or that life beyond.

Sitting up, she scooted off the bed and stood with the tears packing into her eyes. “This place is something, Paul. This place is my home
; the only home that has been a home to me. And this place is where my best friend used to be.”

When she had walked
toward the door, my chest tightened to the point where my lungs weren’t being allowed any oxygen. Stepping in front of her, I tossed my shirt back onto my bed and swallowed hard. Those lips were right there, pressing tight together. Emmy wasn’t a crier, but when she did, I knew that something was deep inside of her that she had only let out to me or to Ben. “I will always be here, Emmer. Always. If you have a problem, no matter what it is, you can always come to me.”

“I just miss you, that’s all. I miss my best friend, Paul.”
As she turned away, the tears had finally won the battle and escaped out those beautiful eyes. “I have been having those nightmares again and I can’t escape to the barn. I can’t run to Ben or you, and it hurts. It hurts so much.”

“Emmer, he will never hurt you anymore. He’s not even around. Don’t ever be afraid to pick up the phone and call me when you have them.” Cupping her cheek, I turned her look back to me. I had seen the damage that her father did to her inside and out. After all, she wouldn’t be alive if I hadn’t found her that night and I had to be the one that helped
Mom clean her wounds afterward.

“It’s like I am losing something.”

“What are you losing?”

“You.” The word barely
came from her mouth, but I knew that was what she had said. On the weekends, I had escaped to Becky’s to keep the distance there, between Emmy and me. I had to. Each weekend that she was home, I looked at her more and more like the woman that she was instead of the girl that had come to live with us when she was fifteen. “I have to go. Ben’s waiting out…”

Stepping closer, I eyed her mouth, her lips. God, how beautiful they were and how sweet they must have been. Still, it pained me to think of another guy
’s lips tasting them, kissing them. Would he savor them? Know how wonderful they were? Would he see what a beautiful woman she was inside, too?

“Have fun on your date. I am sure that I will see you tomorrow.” Just as her eyes shifted to the door, my heart stopped hard. Damn, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to devour her mouth.

I needed to step to the side and let her walk out. She wouldn’t see me tomorrow. I would make sure of that. I had to make sure that I stayed away from now on.

Instead of doing what I should have done, w
ithout a thought in my mind, I brushed my lips against those soft raspberries and savored the flavor. Flames burst through my body, alerting every sense I had. Her linger had increased around me, making my heart start beating so fast that I could have sworn that she felt it pounding out of my chest. My stomach was so filled with desire, I was afraid to move. The stained jeans had so much pressure behind the zipper that I was surprised that it hadn’t busted.

Slipping my hand behind her head, I pulled her in closer as I deepened the kiss, taste
d more of the pumpkin pie that she had prior to coming down to my place. Her hand came up to rest against my chest, sending shocks through my body. Damn! This was better than anything I ever had before. The craving of more, the intense starvation that I had never felt before, hit so hard that I stepped back.

Her eyes were wide with surprise as the tears had just broken loose from all dams that she had put up. What in the hell did I just do? That tight body was just standing there unsure of what just happened. Tears drawing paths down those soft cheeks, her
widened eyes just staring at me.

“You better go now.”

Nodding, she brushed past me in a flash without even looking back. She didn’t just walk out, she ran out, ran away from me. All those times I wanted to kiss her so bad and never did, maybe that was for the best. Maybe she didn’t feel what I felt for her. Then again, I screwed it all up. I made such a mess out of my life, I could see why she ran off. I would, too, if I could.

But having her run away like she had, I didn’t know what hurt more. Was it the fact I had just managed to lose some control by kissing her or the way that she had looke
d at me with those eyes of hers?

Once, she looked at me differently. There once was a time she had this whole look about her
, wanting, begging me to step up and take her. Not so much in a sense as I just did, but it was me she silently asked for help. I just wished that I had caught on sooner than to let her go through everything she had with her dad.

It was in those first few times she had come around
that she had taken to me instantly. How could I shove her away or get annoyed by the fact she was constantly following me around? She was more help than Rob and Will were put together and I didn’t mind her company. Back then, she wasn’t the woman she was today which made it a hell of a lot easier. But the way she always looked at me was special, more than she looked at anyone else. Me. I was the one she came to, helped, and started to actually laugh with. Me. And now, if I had a chance to get that girl back, to have that life I once had with her, I would take it in a heartbeat. At least it was tight between us and happy. Now, I was left with doing nothing but pushing her away, hurting her, and screwing up everything I possibly could. Someday, though, someday I would be the one who destroyed her over what happened.

Chapter 4

****Past****

Emmerson

Two weeks now I had gone to Will’s every
day after school to work on the project. I had to admit, I still felt guilty over stealing his lunches, but they were so good and I hid what I could in the little cubbyhole I found in my room. One board that wasn’t attached like the others was big enough to keep me from being so sick until my next stolen meal. When you were starving, you did what you had to do. I just wondered if he knew it was me that was taking his lunches.

He had to know. I was the one sitting behind him and I never did look him in the eye
afterward. I couldn’t. I was ashamed of what I had to do and I knew stealing was wrong. Then again, when you were so hungry your insides felt like they were shredding apart, you had to do something. And I stole his bagged lunches to survive. Stealing from him had been ten times better than stealing a piece of bread or some crackers from my dad. At least I didn’t bleed or hurt for two weeks afterward. And why, if he knew I was stealing his lunches, he had chosen me to work on the project with was something I still tried to figure out.

Taking a seat at the large dining room table in the smaller, quiet room filled with pictures of horses and the family, my heart sank hard. Was this how a dining room was supposed to look? I understood that some families, certainly not mine, sat down to dinner and ate together. Was this normal? I would hope so. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to see what it would be like to sit at a table that had food on it, enough food for everyone to eat and fill up on. Me? I had no idea what that feeling was like. Sure, I sat at a table, but I had to sit and watch my dad fill himself on whatever he had. If there was anything left over, t
hen I would get to eat. But there was never anything left over. Even when he was grunting and groaning, his stomach bloating because he was so full, he still managed to finish off everything, leaving me nothing.

“Emmy?” Will’s soft voice drifted through the sweet scented a
ir as he unzipped his brand new black backpack, the one I pulled the brown bags of life out of when he wasn’t in his seat.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to just blurt out what I did. I stole his food. I did it. I was sorry that I did. If he
knew what I did, would he ever forgive me for being the reason why he had to go hungry through the school days? I liked him. I really did. He was sweet and caring and one person that was still nice to me even when all his friends were picking on me.

“I figured we could work on the paper a little bit tonight and talk about what we want to do. Then, I will have to run out and help with some chores before dinner. I can see if Paul could take you home before…..”

“No!” The breath burned my lungs as I stepped back from the table, not realizing I said something. If my dad knew I just about let it out that I didn’t want to go home, I would never live to see another day. I knew that and he reminded me every time he was actually home. After each time he would correct my errors or show me that I was wrong about something. He warned me, and his warnings were just as painful.

That was why we had to leave the last little town we were living in. A small town in North Dakota. I liked it there, but he didn’t. He didn’t like the way people looked at him or talked to him. I didn’t see a problem. They were nice. I thought so. But school had called him in
, asking some questions. I didn’t know why or what about, but I remember that day I watched him walk into the office, his shirt pressed nicely and the fresh, clean jeans on. For once, he looked handsome. His blonde hair cleaned and combed for once and the disgusting growth was shaven off his face, letting those aqua eyes shine brightly. Striking, but no one had seen the monster beneath that look there. If the school had known what they were doing by calling him into the office….

Let’s just say, the move from that little town in North Dakota to western Montana wasn’t the best trip I had ever been on. I didn’t even remember half of it and that was shortly before school ended for that year. All I remember was laying on the floorboards of the car, feeling every bump, every little rock in the road. I learned quick
ly not to express any signs of pain on that trip. That had been the worst punishment he had ever given me so far. And each time he was giving me my punishment, he reminded me of what I did wrong. The questions he was asked in school weren’t anything about our home life either. He was called into the office because I was excelling in my classes and the school wanted to see if I wanted to go into some advanced classes because of my boredom.

“I can help with chores.” Did I want to go home? No. Not at all. It would be okay after nine when my dad was passed out. That would be a way to avoid the punishment for breathing while he was having a good time. “I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure? It stinks out in the barn and it is the day we clean stalls. It’s pretty nasty.”

“I can help.” And why not? I did steal his food. All h
is food. Day after day, there it was, teasing and taunting me. I owed him. If he would show me how to clean stalls or whatever, I would gladly do it for him. How bad could it be?

A little chuckle came from him as he straightened his books on the table and opened his red notebook, the one he used for our class.

“Hey, Will. I’m going to be working on my math so you and your little girlfriend need to be quiet.” The older version of Will walked in. Um….Rob. That was his name. I had seen him around school and he was another one that didn’t pick on me when others were. Will had pointed him out to me once before when he stopped me in the hall to talk to me and his older brother walked past, knocking into him playfully. “Unless….I could go and pass that level in that game if you would do my math.”

“It’s not that hard.” Grumbling a little under my breath, I pulled out the nice, strong wooden heavy chair and started to sit when I noticed that both sets of eyes were on me as if I just told my biggest secret. Tears crawled up my throat as they just looked at me. This was wrong and maybe I should just run back home. What if they started to hate me like the others in school? They were really the only nice ones while the other
s picked on me because I didn’t have new clothes like they had, didn’t have the best electronic stuff, nor had the makeup to make myself look like a cheap woman my dad picked up for the evenings on the weekends and the kind that the guys at school drooled over.

Hearing the heavy footsteps coming in through the kitchen, the fear swelled deeper inside of me. Not just Will and Rob were there, but that oldest one, the one who picked Will and
me up from school was there. Stepping back into the corner, I waited for him to yell at me, to scream and rant and rave, carry on like my dad did. The guy was tall and his shoulders were wide. But those eyes, those dark eyes and that dark hair. He was more handsome than the younger brothers. And I could tell that he was different. He wasn’t as kind as Will or Rob, but then again, I just met Paul the few times when he picked us up from school.

His dark
, angry eyes shifted over from Will to Rob and then back to Will. “You. I told you that I needed that hay stacked before today. Low and behold, it’s still in the pile at the window so I can’t do anything.” Then the angry, smoldering eyes shifted to Rob. “And you….I asked you to put that feed away before you went to school. Damn it! I need your help! But no! Damn video games are too damn important!”

“We have a guest….” Will choked out as he reached for his notebook
, trying to calm his oldest brother; the brother that looked so much like the dad that I had seen out in the yard yesterday when Paul pulled up to the large two-story house.

“Like I haven’t noticed! I have to stop my chores during the day to pick both of you up! I don’t have time for this! With
Dad feuding with Andrews again, I don’t have the damn time!” His large hand clasped over his forehead as he let out a loud breath. His chest relaxed as he shook his head, those eyes shifting over to me. “I can use your help. I have a fence that needs to be fixed while these two gamers do the chores they neglected earlier.”

“Paul, that’s crazy….She can just help me stack that hay.” Reaching over, Will nudged my arm as he forced a smile. I knew that smile. I had seen that smile on his sweet face before. That was the smile I had gotten from him when he asked if I would be his partner on the project with him. With him.
It came after his three friends in class asked him to partner up with them. Nope, he turned them down to ask me. Why? I didn’t know. Maybe it was vengeance for me stealing his lunches.

“Go!” The word ripped out of the largest brother’s throat
, making me jump. Knocking into the cute little shelf in the corner with some photos and horse statues, I just wanted to cry. Turning quickly, I caught the statue of the bronze horse before it fell, clutching it tight to my chest. “Emmy, let’s go. I can use your hand because my brothers seem to neglect their chores.”

Will shrugged a little as he took the statute from me and placed it back on the shelf. “Can’t we even get something to eat first?”

“You should have thought about that at lunch.” Turning, the oldest guy walked back into the kitchen.

Horror st
ruck me as I looked over at Will, waiting for him to yell at me. He wouldn’t be hungry if it wasn’t for me. I was stealing his lunches so he didn’t get to eat. That was my fault. It was all my fault. “I am so sorry.”

“Ah, he’s just being a pain right now. When my dad gets in a feud with Mr. Andrews, this always happens.” Shrugging if off, Will smirked at Rob as he fixed his black and white flannel shirt.

“Is there any way I can get you to do my math for me later? I’m not going to have time to do it now.” Pulling the cell phone out of his pocket, Rob let out a groan as he bit his finger. “Oh, she’s so hot.”

“Let me see….”

“Hey! Let’s go!” Paul yelled from the kitchen as the woman’s voice was talking.

Following the boys into the kitchen that smelled of cleaning products, Will’s mom was at the counter with the rag in her hand
, looking sternly at the oldest boy. Her left hand was resting on her hip, baring a large diamond ring.

“Those boys need to do their homework.” Her makeup free lips pressed tight together as she glanced over at me. Then down to my shoes. “Honey, you can’t go out there in those.”

“I can help. I don’t mind. I can do some….um….barn things….there….to help.” Wrenching my hands tight together, I looked right at my shoes. I didn’t want to look at anyone else. Not with getting Will in trouble. If they found anything out, they would tell the school, and my dad would be called into the office again. If they knew, he would come after me again.

“Go! I am tired of waiting for you two to do your chores.” Paul motioned for the door
, making the two younger boys rush out without a word. “Well…”

“You hold on just one moment.” Dropping her hands, Will’s mom walked past us to the smaller door just to the left of the kitchen door to the porch. Opening it up, she reached down
to pull out a black pair of boots and tugged a dark green jacket off a hanger. “Honey, put these on. It’s cold out there and I don’t want you to freeze.”

I just stood there. The eyes staying on me, waiting for me. I was fine going out and helping Will. I was the one who got him into trouble. It was the least I could do. But going with Paul? I wasn’t sure I wanted to at all. He was a lot bigger than my dad and I knew what my dad could do to me. Paul was bigger in the chest, the arms, and the
height. The damage he could cause would be worse than my dad. Ten times worse.

“Come on, Tyke. We don’t have all day and we have a while of riding to do.”

“Paul!” The woman stood up fast, her eyes open wide. “You’re not taking her out on horseback.”

“How else am I going to get down there? Pretty sure I’m not carrying all that stuff down through the woods.” Reaching over, he nudged my arm. “Come out to the porch when you are ready.”

Swallowing hard, I took the heavy jacket and squeezed my hands. Riding? Alone with Paul? Well, he did take me home last night, didn’t ask any questions and didn’t make any attempt to touch me or anything.

“Okay….If I had known that…” Going back to the closet, she pulled out a pair of leather pants and snapped her fingers. “One thing about Paul is you don’t keep him waiting. And if I am guessing where the fence is down because you are taking the horses, you won’t be back until dinner.”

Slipping off my shoes, I watched her jaw tighten a little as she picked them up and looked them over to look at all the holes and the glue that I used to fix them before.

“Okay, hold on.” Handing me the leather pants, she rushed out of the room only to come back with a pair of black fuzzy socks. Pointing to the chair, she took the clothing from me, put it on the large island counter, and handed over the socks. “Put these on. They will help your feet stay a little warmer.”

“I have….” Was I that disgusting? My old white socks were so thin, I could see my toes through the fabric. I only had a few pairs of socks and I mended them as best as I could. It wasn’t like my dad was going to spend some money and get some clothes for me. When he worked for some money, it wasn’t money he spent on me. Which he reminded me a lot. He spent money on me to get me into school. That was it. He had to or people would look into our “situation”.

“You can keep those. I have a lot of them.” Her hand came down on my shoulder
, letting the warmth shoot through me. She wouldn’t be this nice to me if she knew I was stealing her son’s lunch at school. “I have some extra clothes that I will send home with you. I just cleaned out my closet…if you would like them.”