Emerge (5 page)

             
I had found out that our rent was being paid by a different relative every month.
It used to be paid by my Dad, but as soon as I turned 18, my child support
checks had stopped.  I know my Step-Dad’s
relatives
thought they were hel
ping, but they were just allowing
them to remain unemployed. 
Neither one of them were speaking to me and
I didn’t speak to them for fear of spooking them out of their “happy little family” routine.  May was coming out of her shell and I was beginning to lose the fear that I woul
d never be able to leave home
because I needed to protect her.  Maybe she would be ok.  Maybe they would take care of her. 

             
Going to the theater instead of the classroom became routine and something I looked forward to; even though nothing significant had happened.  It was the last Friday before the performances which were scheduled for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
It made me nauseated to think about an actual crowd filling these lonely
seats.
I went from the sunshine day to the dark of the theater and was temporarily blinded by the dark.  I walked past the first row of theater seats and inhaled the muggy old scent of the theater.  I chucked my messenger bag onto one of the seats in the second row and made my way to the dressing room to help some of the other girls with their make-up.  I had
helped Anna with her gaudy “girl gets around town”
make-up for her character and walked out onto the stage for a breather. 

             
I sat on the edge of the stage o
n what I had learned was stage
right near the curtains and swung my legs over the edge.  I watched as the students on the stage to my
left rehearsed with dramatic flair
as the mother in the play did not approve of her son marrying that ho-bag.  I looked out over the theater seats and then I heard the theater doors open to my left.  The sun from outside made me put my hand up above my brow to help me see.
  What I saw next caused my stomach to do more tumbles than a gymnast on meth.  It was Carlos, dressed in a button down shirt with his trademark sleeves rolled up to his elbows wearing brown boots and scruffy jeans.  He had a leather wrist band on today, but it was what was on the other arm, or should I say hip that instantly smashed my
heart and confirmed my doubts
.

             
On his hip was the loveliest baby I had ever seen and on the other side of that baby was a petite
pretty
Hispanic girl
, our age
,
with long black hair
,
holding the baby’s hand. 
I had seen her before at school.  She was in my homeroom during her pregnancy and had stopped coming near the end.  I never saw her with a guy.  The inner dialogue began, my cheeks turned to fla
me and my pretzels
I had eaten for lunch
taunt
ed and threatened to make themselves
known by coming up through my throat. 
That’s a baby. It’s his baby.
Oh God, that’s his girlfriend
or wife
and his baby.  He has a baby! You are a home
-
wrecker. I can’t believe you thought he liked you.  Why would he when h
e already has her?
He has a baby!
What the hell were you thinking? You are living in a state of
delusion
!
Moron alert!

             
I thought t
hese things as I pushed up off of the stage and
made a bee-line through the blood
red, heavy curtains and pulled them right and left in a panic to hide.  I finally reached the girls’ dressing room and closed the door behind me and sat on the nearest thing
,
which was an ancient space heater attached underneath the window.  I could hear my heart beating in my ears and looked around to see if anyone could hear it too.  This was the first time I had ever begged for the clock to
end Drama class for the day.  A girl who had previously asked me about Carlos came in suddenly, closing the door behind her and was a bit out of breath.

             
“Did you see that
,
” sh
e huffed. 

             
“Which part, the girlfriend or the baby?” I spat at her
. 

             
My fear and hurt had quickly turned into frustration and anger.  The anger protected me when I needed it.  And I needed it now. 

             
She then puffed
,
“But that’s Natalie.  I’ve seen her with another guy and I could’ve sworn they were together.” 

             
Huff, huff, puff… “Maybe we are misunderstanding.” 

             
But I had made up my mind. 

             
“Well, I’m not sticking around to find out.”

             
“Can you go get my bag for me?” I begged her. 

             
She came back quickly, still gasping for air and handed me my bag.

             
“Thanks
,
”
I whispered.
She began to protest.

             
“But
,
Jenna
..”

             
I threw up my hand to make her stop.
I grabbed my bag and for the first time ever I skipped class and left school early.  I ducked out through the back of the theater and through a hole in the outside gate
that I had heard the other kids talking about
and freed myself from school and from
the thoughts of
him.

             
I caught the public bus closest to school and took the scenic route back home so I would arrive hom
e around the same time as usual so I didn’t trip up Mom.
  Not that they cared.  Hell, they were still not speaking to me.  I cried on the bus…cried until I was cried dry.  By the time I made it home I was numb from head to toe. 
I walked through the kitchen, through the now clean house, collapsed and let my sleep take away my thoughts.  No one had spoken to me on my way to my bed and no one asked if I was ok. 

Chapter 6

             
The weekend was long, and it was exactly the way I wanted it.  I wanted it to drag out forever and for Monday to never come.  I know everybody wishes that the weekend would last forever and it was a first that I agreed.  But Monday came and I
slothed
out of bed, now determined not to let this boy get me down.  I justified it in my head. 
He just smi
led and complimented your hair, I
diot. He didn’t profess his love or give you a ring.  What are you?  Some lovesick little girl who’s gonna cry just because
he’s already taken?
Just because you’
ll never be enveloped in
his arms?
  Just because you thought you could be safe with him? 
Just because you yearn to
feel his hands on you?
  Ok, ok,
stop
already.

             
T
hat
useless
little pep talk got me all the way through the day until fifth period ended and then I was back to hating Drama, the class and the experience.
It was all I could do to make my feet walk the path that I knew would take me back to where he was…Where I saw him with her.
I walked through the Science building, taking a detour to the theater.  I stepped out of the Science building determined to hold my head up high.  I walked pointedly towards the theater doors and when I went to open them a strong, warm, calloused hand grabbed my elbow.  “
Jenna, p
lease wait
,
” he said. 

             
I stared through the crack of the open theater door as it
slowly
shut before me
.  I was so close to it that I wondered if it was going to catch on the tip of my nose as it passed.   A
nd
I
kept staring until it was fully closed. I knew who was talking to me.  I think I would recogni
ze his voice in a sea of people
at a rock concert
.
  I took two deep breaths before I turne
d to face him. 

             
“What?” I asked with a smile so fake it couldn’t be rivaled by Barbie herself.
 

             
“I wanted to talk to you
,”
h
e nervously said as he put his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. 

             
“
Me?
Why
?” I asked. 

             
He huffed out a slow breath and let it out again.
His thumbs were in his front pockets and he was shuffling his feet in the rocks on the ground.

             
“Can we talk over here?”
h
e asked as he pointed towards a bench which had been tagged with random graffiti.
 

I looked around in anticipation at what he wanted to say.

             
“Yeah
,
” I answered and sat down, stiff as a board on the dilapidated bench.

             
“I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea on Friday.
I saw your face when I walked
             
in
,
but…
”

             
H
e looked me straight in the eye and I could
see the honesty through his.  But I was still feeling snarky. 

             
“I think I got the idea loud and clear.  And I’m glad for you.  She’s a beautiful
             
baby.” 

I had decided midway that I wanted to take the high road. 

             
“Well…” he started
, “s
he
is a beautiful baby, and Natalie is one of my closest
             
friends.” 

             
“That’s great.  You looked happy.” 

Oh, this high road thing was really starting to suck. 

             
“Yeah, I never thought being a Godparent would be so much fun.  But
             
Caroline
is great.”

I stumbled in my logic, in my emotions and in my speech.

             
“Godparent?”
 
I whispered, quietly begging for this to be true.

He chuckled that long
slow delicious chuckle and chastised

             
“Yeah, what’d you think?” 

I blushed with such force that I was sure a satellite could’ve picked up the hue. 

             
“Um…well….” 

             
He reached out and touched my arm right above my wrist and slowly moved it down to settle on the side of my hand. 

             
“I’m so sorry.  I should’ve said something before
,
but Natalie wanted to meet
             
you and she had brought the baby to school to see all of her friends and… I
             
didn’t think.”
 

             
I didn’t know what to say.
We weren’t together. Why was he apologizing?
  I was so completely embarrassed. 

             
“I’m sorry too.  I assumed…I mean I saw you and I thought…I shouldn’t
             
have…” 

             
He was holding my hand now. 
Stroking the outside of my hand with his thumb back and forth.
Were his hands really warm or were mine really cold? I didn’t really care which.
 

             
“It’s ok.  Now you know.  And there’s something else you should know.”

             
Surely my sternum was going to crack any moment.  I mean
..my
heart thumping was ridiculous. 

             
“What?”
  I said it
all breathy, it sounded like I was trying to be a girl on a
‘
1-900 talk to a
skank
’
commercial. 

             
“I think you’re smart and you
…
”  He took a de
ep breath and bounced his knee a bit
, but he never let go of my hand.