Embrace Me At Dawn (15 page)

Her lips pursed with annoyance. Anka might not like this, but she needed it. It was working. This was the most productive conversation they’d engaged in since her disappearance. The woman who’d walked in here ten minutes ago was far stronger-willed than the Anka he’d lived with. This one was fighting…but hurting. If he was clever and firm enough, she would eventually begin to trust and lean on him again. He simply had to keep his wits about him, exercise his patience, and let her work it out in her head, giving her a nudge here and there when she required it.

“
What else do you want to know?” She gritted her teeth.

“
If you won’t tell me what I’ve done to make you angry, then I want to hear exactly what Mathias did to you.”

Horror flared her amber eyes wide. She shot up, scrambling back, knocking her chair over. It clattered against the hardwood floors. “Absolutely not.”

Lucan couldn’t mistake the trembling in her voice. He longed to take her in his arms and assure her that she could trust him with her story, that nothing she said could make him care less. He must know the details of her trauma eventually. She couldn’t truly begin to heal until she let out the truth.

Frustrated at her reticence, he fixed a gentle but resolved expression on his face. “Anka, I’ve given you a choice. Several, in fact. Pick from two questions, choose a five-kilometer run, or quit. I’ve been more than fair.”

She swallowed, paced around her chair. Lucan nearly bit his tongue at the gentle flare of her hips and the delicate curve of her arse, that thick silken rope of hair hanging to the small of her back, begging him to tug on it and bend her back until her lips trembled just under his. How long had it been since he kissed her, smelled her. Tasted her. A mere three months…and yet, forever. Bloody hell, he’d missed her.

Anka whirled around to face him, her expression sharp and decisive. “All right, then. I’ll run. Let me pop out and get my trainers. I’ll be back—”

“
No. You must run now. In those shoes. Or that option is off the table.”

“
I can’t, and you bloody well know it.”

“
I told you to come prepared to train. If you’re not…” He shrugged and couldn’t help but grin. “The boots look stunning on you, I admit. But I’m fairly certain you thought you’d wear those nasty heels in case we practiced self-defense again and you got to pound your dainty little foot down on mine.” She flushed guiltily, and he broadened his smile. “Sorry, love. If you’re not prepared to run, you’ll have to answer me or quit altogether.”

She thrust her hands on her hips. “When did you become a manipulative arse?”

“
Are you resorting to name-calling because I’m determined to train you properly?” He stood and righted her chair, brushing dangerously close to her.

Blast it all, she smelled so achingly familiar. He’d missed that scent, spent entire nights in their closet breathing in her clothes, trying to catch even the faintest whiff of her flowers and musk. Thankfully, today she smelled nothing like Shock. He prayed his baggy jog pants and long T-shirt covered up the erection desperately seeking her attention. Of course he knew she’d had sex since her rape—and wasn’t that a stab in the heart?—but he had no notion how afraid she might be of him. Of real intimacy. Perhaps one reason she asked Shock to hold her down was to force her past her fears so that she could accept energy without thought or guilt. He’d find out for certain soon.

“
I’m calling you a manipulative arse because you’re forcing me to tell you things that don’t concern you.”

Her anger didn’t concern him? Her
rape
didn’t? Oh, she was so very wrong. Everything about her had been his business once and it would be again.

“
Sit.” He voiced his demand in soft tones, but put steel behind it.

Anka glared at him for a long, silent minute. She actually contemplated walking out, he could tell. Lucan both wanted and feared it. She would be safer if she quit, but he might never be this close to her again. He waited, watching her small fists clench, her mouth purse mutinously, then she dropped into the chair.

“
I’m not quitting.”

The old Anka would have at his first hint of displeasure. This one? Well, if they were going to repair their relationship, it would require honesty and better communication. Besides, seducing the surrender of this strong-willed creature would be a delight. “Which question will you answer, then?”

She drew in a fortifying breath. “I’m angry with you because you’re being a bloody pillock.”

“
That’s a five-kilometer run tomorrow, Anka, for sarcasm and lying to me. You came in wearing an attitude like armor. I’m not the enemy. I’m here to help you. If you can’t drop your shields and trust me, we’ll never make it out of these chairs so that you can train. If I’m going to get nothing but attitude from you, we’re done for today.”

Her nose flattened. She bit her lip, and her eyes welled up. A moment later, she shook her head, shaking off the expression. But he’d seen the worry and fear. “All right, then! I’m angry with you because you nearly mated with Sabelle. Are you happy to know it hurts me? Does that give you some sort of thrill?”

He
was
happy. Not that that he’d caused her pain, of course. The acknowledgement, however unwilling, that she still cared tingled through every last nerve in his body. “I’m sorry if that hurt you. Let me explain.”

“
It doesn’t matter.”

“
It does. No, don’t look away from me.” He waited for a pregnant moment, until she complied. “I see you readying an argument. Don’t. Just listen,” he insisted. “It. Matters. At the time Sabelle and I discussed mating, I believed you forever beyond my reach. I’d thrown myself entirely into saving magickind to have a damned purpose in life. Sabelle and I would never truly be more than friends, but there are worse things to base a mating on.” He shrugged. “Ultimately, I stopped the proceedings. She was clearly in love with Ice. After the way you and I had been cruelly parted, I refused to wish either of them that sort of pain. And because you were honest with me just now, I will be honest with you.” He grabbed her hand and stared directly into her eyes. “I ultimately couldn’t take Sabelle as my mate because she wasn’t you and my heart refused any other.”

Anka reared back as if he’d punched her in the stomach. She shot to her feet once more and turned away furiously. “You can’t say that. Shock will read my thoughts.”

“
I don’t give a piss about Shock, only you.”

Anka looked torn, and Lucan wanted to stop her internal debate. They couldn’t heal until they hashed everything out. He gently brought her around to face him and cupped her cheek in his hand. She was still so soft, still looked so pure and small and lost. His chest buckled. “Anka, whatever is running through that pretty head of yours, tell me. Trust me to help you.”

She jerked away, tapped her toe, obviously thinking. Finally, she squared her shoulders and drew in a sharp breath. “Sabelle is my best friend, and you two…”

When her eyes teared up again, Lucan had endured enough of the distance between them. He reached across the empty space, locked his hands around her waist, and pulled her into his lap. “She kept me alive.”

Anka closed her eyes, hiding her pain from him. “I know.”

And she still didn’t like it. That was a very good sign. “Look at me, love.”

“
Don’t call me that.”

“
Anka?” He dropped his voice, giving it tender authority.

Her eyes flew open, and she focused on him. “Good. Love, I would have died without her. I’m sure she told you that.”

She nodded, dropping her gaze. Her dark lashes brushed her cheeks, and Lucan could see her fighting the hurt. “I have no right to care.”

“
Logic doesn’t always ease the pain. You went to Shock when you didn’t remember me, yes? You left the safety of your cousin’s flat, desperate for energy to power your magic, weren’t you?”

Anka hesitated, then nodded.

Lucan tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to him. “Logically, I know you would likely have died without him. I should be grateful to him for keeping you well, giving you a roof, just like you should be appreciative of Sabelle’s efforts. But logic doesn’t always erase what our heart tells us. Can you forgive me?”

He held his breath. This answer was important, vitally so. He would find a way to move past everything that had happened between her and Shock if she could forgive him Sabelle’s well-meaning efforts. Even if she didn’t, he would climb that mountain somehow, too.

Anka drew in a shuddering breath, clearly thinking when the door to the training room burst open. Lucan shoved Anka’s smaller body behind him, ready to meet the intrusive threat head-on. Instead, he found his brother standing in the doorway, brow raised.

“
Bram is calling everyone together. The ladies have found something in their research that he wants us all to hear.”

He shot Caden a glare that protested his brother’s terrible timing. “Five minutes, and we’ll be there.”

Caden shook his head. “Now. I think it has something to do with putting down Morganna for good.”

And if they could eliminate Morganna, the Doomsday Brethren and magickind would have one less worry on their plates. Perhaps then he could afford to focus more on Anka. And they might not need her to fight quite so soon.

Lucan sighed with regret. “We’ll be there in a tick.”

With a nod, his brother turned away. As Caden ducked out the door, Anka edged around him and tried to waltz past. Lucan grabbed her arm in a steely grip and turned her to face him.

“
We’re not finished with this conversation.”

“
We have to be.” She jerked her arm free. “I will extend you trust as my trainer. I know you will never hurt me and will do everything in your power to teach me what I need to know to stay alive. In return, I swear I will learn whatever you wish, practice in whatever way you desire, and do my utmost to be an asset to the Doomsday Brethren. But it doesn’t matter if you forgive me for Shock or I forgive you for Sabelle. That would only matter if we intended to mate again. And that will never happen.”

Lucan stared at her retreating back, mentally pulling out the figurative knife she’d just stabbed into his heart. The terrible words were part of her armor, the way she meant to keep distance between them so she could protect herself. But from what? Him? He knew she didn’t love Shock. When forced to choose between him and that Denzell wanker just over a century ago, Anka had chosen him. She’d been ready to leave the bloody berk a few days ago, from what Sabelle said.

Yet she’d gone back, surrendered her body and will to him again. Maybe she had more feelings for Shock than she had a century ago. Maybe she thought she needed him because Shock met her secret desires as no one had.

Lucan clenched a fist.

“
What the devil are you doing?” Bram barreled toward him with a scowl. “We’re waiting for you two.”

When Anka disappeared into Bram’s office, Lucan snarled at his best friend. “There is no way I can train Anka without getting personal. I’m going to touch her.”

A smile creased the stressed lines of Bram’s face, making him look more like the carefree playboy Lucan had known for centuries. “You think you’re surprising me?”

Sly bastard
. “She’ll complain.”

Bram shrugged. “I’m not coming between two former mates. Nor will I tell you how to train her.”

Finally, Lucan had something to smile about. “I’m going to wrest her away from Shock and make her mine again.”

“
I hope so.” Bram slapped him on the back. “I’m bloody tired of seeing two people I care about so much being so sodding stubborn and walking around with long faces. Now let’s go.”

They walked into Bram’s office to find the rest of the warriors assembled, along with some of the mates. He spotted Anka by the window, alone, the morning sun glinting off her severe braid, staring straight ahead at some unknown point on the wall—and avoiding eye contact. Sabelle stood on the far side of the room, anchored to Ice’s massive body by his strong arm. Belle’s face broke his heart as she looked at Anka with hurt swimming in her eyes. Normally, the best friends would have gravitated together, and a hot flare of frustration rushed through him. Damn it, Anka was determined to close herself off from everything and everyone to shut out any possible hurt. That simply wasn’t like her. He was going to have to open her up and fill her heart with love once more.