Eleanor & Park (23 page)

Eleanor

whispered into the pillow. She

could hear things slamming. She

could hear her mother in the

doorway, talking softly, like she

was trying to put a baby back to

sleep.

FAT and FUCK and BITCH

and BEGGING FOR IT, JUST

FUCKING BEGGING FOR IT.

‘I hate you,’ Eleanor said

louder. ‘I hate you, I hate you, I

hate you.’

FUCK THIS.

‘I hate you.’

FUCK ALL OF YOU.

‘Fuck you.’

STUPID BITCHES.

‘Fuck you, fuck you, fuck

you.’

WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?

In Eleanor’s head, the house

shook.

Her mother was pulling on her

then, trying to pull her out of bed.

Eleanor tried to come with her,

but she was too scared to stand

up. She wanted to flatten herself

to the floor and crawl away. She

wanted to pretend that the room

was full of smoke.

Richie

was

roaring.

Her

mother pulled Eleanor to the top

of the stairs, then pushed her

down. He was right behind them.

Eleanor

fell

against

the

banister and practically ran to the

front door on all fours. She got

outside and kept running to the

end of the sidewalk. Ben was

sitting on the porch, playing with

his Hot Wheels. He stopped and

watched Eleanor run by.

Eleanor wondered if she

should keep running, but where

would she go? Even when she

was a little girl, she never

fantasized about running away.

She could never imagine herself

past the edge of the yard. Where

would she go? Who would take

her?

When the front door opened

again, Eleanor took a few steps

into the street.

It was just her mom. She took

Eleanor’s arm and started walking

quickly toward the neighbor’s

house.

If Eleanor would have known

then what was about to happen,

she would have run back to tell

Ben goodbye. She would have

looked for Maisie and Mouse and

kissed them each hard on the

cheek. Maybe she would have

asked to go back inside to see the

baby.

And if Richie had been inside

waiting for her, maybe she would

have dropped to her knees and

begged him to let her stay. Maybe

she would have said anything he

wanted her to.

If he wanted that now – if he

wanted her to beg for forgiveness,

for mercy, if that was the price she

had to pay to stay – she’d do it.

She hoped he couldn’t see

that.

She hoped none of them could

see what was left of her.

Park

She ignored Mr Stessman in

English class.

In history, she stared out the

window.

On the way home, she wasn’t

irritable; she wasn’t anything at all.

‘Okay?’ he asked.

She nodded her head against

him.

When she got off the bus at

her stop, Park still hadn’t told her.

So he jumped up and followed

her, even though he knew she

wouldn’t want him to.

‘Park …’ she said, looking

nervously down the street to her

house.

‘I know,’ he said, ‘but I

wanted to tell you … I’m not

grounded anymore.’

‘You’re not?’

‘Uh-uh.’ He shook his head.

‘That’s great,’ she said.

‘Yeah …’

She looked back at her house.

‘It means you can come over

again,’ he said.

‘Oh,’ she said.

‘I mean, if you want to.’ This

wasn’t going like he thought it

would. Even when Eleanor was

looking at him, she wasn’t looking

at him.

‘Oh,’ she said.

‘Eleanor? Is everything okay?’

She nodded.

‘Do you still …’ He hung onto

the backpack straps across his

chest. ‘I mean, do you still want

to? Do you still miss me?’

She nodded. She looked like

she was going to cry. Park hoped

she wouldn’t cry at his house

again … If she ever came back. It

felt like she was slipping away.

‘I’m just really tired,’ she said.

CHAPTER 26

Eleanor

Did she miss him?

She wanted to lose herself in

him. To tie his arms around her

like a tourniquet.

If she showed him how much

she needed him, he’d run away.

CHAPTER 27

Eleanor

Eleanor felt better the next

morning. Mornings usually got the

best of her.

This morning, she woke up

with that stupid cat curled up

against her like it couldn’t tell that

she’d never liked him or cats in

general.

And then her mom gave her a

fried egg sandwich that Richie

hadn’t wanted, and pinned an old,

chipped glass flower to Eleanor’s

jacket.

‘I found it at the thrift shop,’

her mom said. ‘Maisie wanted it,

but I saved it for you.’ She

smudged vanilla behind Eleanor’s

ears.

‘I might go to Tina’s house

after school,’ Eleanor said.

‘Okay, have fun.’

Eleanor hoped that Park would

be waiting for her at the bus stop,

but she wouldn’t blame him if he

wasn’t.

He was. He was standing there

in the half-light, wearing a gray

trench coat and black high-tops,

and watching for her.

She ran past the last few

houses to get to him.

‘Good morning,’ she said,

shoving him with both hands.

He laughed and stepped back.

‘Who are
you
?’

‘I’m your girlfriend,’ she said.

‘Ask anybody.’

‘No … my girlfriend is sad

and quiet and keeps me up all

night worrying about her.’

‘Bummer. Sounds like you

need a different girlfriend.’

He smiled and shook his head.

It was cold and half dark, and

Eleanor could see Park’s breath.

She resisted the urge to try to

swallow it.

‘I told my mom that I was

going to a friend’s house after

school …’ she said.

‘Yeah?’

Park was the only person she

knew who wore his backpack

actually on his shoulders, not

slung over one side – and he was

always holding onto the straps,

like he’d just jumped out of a

plane or something. It was

extremely cute. Especially when

he was being shy and letting his

head hang forward.

She pulled the front of his

bangs. ‘Yeah.’

‘Cool,’ he said, smiling, all

shiny cheeks and full lips.

Don’t bite his face, Eleanor

told herself. It’s disturbing and

needy and never happens in

situation comedies or movies that

end with big kisses.

‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’

she said.

He hung onto his straps and

shrugged.

‘Yesterday happens.’

God
, it was like he wanted her

to eat his face clean off.

Park

He almost told her all the things

his mom had said about her.

It seemed like it was wrong to

keep secrets from Eleanor.

But it seemed like it would be

more
wrong to share that kind of

secret. It would just make Eleanor

even more nervous. She might

even refuse to come over …

And she was so happy today.

She was a different person. She

kept squeezing his hand. She even

bit his shoulder when they were

getting off the bus.

Plus, if he told her, at the very

least she was going to want to go

home and change. She was

wearing an orange argyle sweater

today, way too big, with her silky

green tie and baggy painter’s

jeans.

Park didn’t know if Eleanor

even had any girl’s clothes – and

he didn’t care. He kind of liked

that she didn’t. Maybe that was

another gay thing about him, but

he didn’t think so, because

Eleanor wouldn’t look like a guy

even if you cut off her hair and

gave her a mustache. All the

men’s clothes she wore just called

attention to how much of a girl

she was.

He wasn’t going to tell her

about his mom. And he wasn’t

going to tell her to smile. But if

she bit him again, he was going to

lose something.

‘Who are you?’ he asked,

when she was still smiling in

English class.

‘Ask anybody,’ she said.

Eleanor

In Spanish class today, they were

supposed to write a letter in

Spanish to a friend. Señora

Bouzon put on an episode of
Qué

Pasa, USA?
while they worked on

it.

Eleanor tried to write a letter to

Park. She didn’t get very far.

Estimado Señor Sheridan,

Mi gusta comer su cara.

Besos,

Leonor

For the rest of the day, whenever

Eleanor felt nervous or scared, she

told herself to be happy instead.

(It didn’t really make her feel

better, but it kept her from feeling

worse …) She told herself that

Park’s family must be decent

people because they’d raised a

person like Park. Never mind that

this principle didn’t hold true in

her own family. It wasn’t like she

had to face his family alone. Park

would be there. That was the

whole point. Was there any place

so horrible that she wouldn’t go

there to be with Park?

She saw him after seventh

hour in a place she’d never seen

him before, carrying a microscope

down the hall on the third floor. It

was at least twice as nice as seeing

him somewhere she expected him

to be.

CHAPTER 28

Park

He called his mom during lunch to

tell her that Eleanor was coming

over. His counselor let him use

her phone. (Mrs Dunne loved the

opportunity to be good in a crisis,

so all Park had to do was imply

that it was an emergency.) ‘I just

wanted to tell you that Eleanor is

coming over after school,’ he told

his mom. ‘Dad said it was all

right.’

‘Fine,’ his mother said, not

even pretending that she was okay

with it. ‘Is she staying for dinner?’

‘I don’t know,’ Park said.

‘Probably not.’

His mother sighed.

‘You have to be nice to her,

you know.’

‘I’m nice to everybody,’ his

mom said. ‘You know that.’

He could tell Eleanor was nervous

on the bus. She was quiet, and she

kept running her bottom lip

through her teeth, making it go

white, so that you could see that

her lips had freckles, too.

Park tried to get her to talk

about
Watchmen
; they’d just read

the fourth chapter. ‘What do you

think of the pirate story?’ he

asked.

‘What pirate story?’

‘You

know,

there’s

that

character who’s always reading a

comic book about pirates, the

story within the story, the
pirate

story.’

‘I always skip that part,’ she

said.

‘You skip it?’

‘It’s boring. Blah, blah, blah –

pirates! – blah, blah, blah.’

‘Nothing Alan Moore writes

can be blah-blah-blahed,’ Park

said solemnly.

Eleanor shrugged and bit her

lip.

‘I’m beginning to think you

shouldn’t have started reading

comics

with

a

book

that

completely deconstructs the last

fifty years of the genre,’ he said.

‘All I’m hearing is blah, blah,

blah, genre.’

The

bus

stopped

near

Eleanor’s house. She looked at

him.

‘We may as well get off at my

stop,’ Park said, ‘right?’

Eleanor shrugged again.

They got off at his stop, along

with Steve and Tina and most of

the people who sat at the back of

the bus. All the back-of-the-bus

kids hung out in Steve’s garage

when he wasn’t at work, even in

winter.

Park

and

Eleanor

trailed

behind them.