Eighty and Out (20 page)

The next few months were strange. Jim and I never talked about his mom again, but he became unusually distant. I found it hard to believe he could still be upset over what I had said but didn’t want to bring the topic up again since it had caused so much trouble. We hadn’t argued about anything else, so I couldn’t figure out why he was behaving so differently. The few times I had asked if anything was wrong, he replied that everything was fine, which was obviously a lie. If everything was fine, why was he talking to me less and less? Why wasn’t he as affectionate?

I called Bernice. “You know how men are,” she said. “Just ignore him and stop trying to jump through hoops to find out what’s wrong. Go buy some new clothes and once he sees you not stressing out over his distant behavior, he’ll be his old self again.”

Her advice sounded good but simplistic. “It just feels like were disconnected, you know? And part of me is wondering if he’s resentful I haven’t gone back to work. I mean, he told me to take as much time as I wanted to focus on family, but maybe it’s been too long? Maybe he’s angry he has to pay someone to do what I used to do?”

“I doubt that.”

I sighed. Jim had never been hard to figure out before. We’d always gotten along really well.

“It’s just weird that we’re not fighting, but it’s like he’s still mad at me since that night. That’s when things seemed to change.” I realized I was repeating myself and talking in circles, something I did when frustrated.

“Try what I suggested and don’t give his moods too much attention. It may be that simple,” she reiterated.

“Sounds like you speak from experience.”

Bernice laughed. “Alejandro isn’t always easy to get along with, but I love him. He can be opinionated.”

“Which is fine as long as you agree with him,” I teased.

We talked for a while longer, and when I hung up, I felt better. I dialed the nail salon to make an appointment and was disappointed to find out my manicurist no longer worked there.

The next day I went shopping for a new dress, then got my nails done by the new lady. When Jim came home from work, I gave him a big smile. “Hey, honey. How was your day?”

“Fine.” He gave me a peck on the cheek and looked me up and down. “You look nice,” he said. But it was a casual compliment. There was no warmth in his eyes.

“Thanks,” I replied, trying to hide my disappointment in his lackluster response. I remembered what Bernice had said, to ignore his mood, and continue acting like everything is fine.

We sat down to eat. “I did a little shopping today. I swear, it’s been forever since I’ve bought a new dress. And I went to the nail salon,” I said, holding up my hand.

Jim eyed my manicure and nodded approval as he dug into his food.

“But I had to try a new lady because Miranda’s mom doesn’t work there anymore.”

“Really? Miranda didn’t mention that,” Jim said.

I took a sip of my drink. “Maybe she found a better job.”

“Maybe.”

Jim and I hadn’t talked this much in weeks. Bernice had been right.

Thinking of my manicurist moving on got me thinking of my own situation. “I think I’m ready to come back to work,” I said as I stabbed my peas.

The comment hung in the air. I wasn’t really sure I was ready, and my delivery echoed the uncertainty.

“Are you sure? Why don’t you give yourself more time?”

“I guess I just feel bad that we’re paying someone to do something I could do.” I paused, trying to put what I was really feeling into words. “And part of me wonders if I got back into my old routine if it might help me move forward. I mean, sometimes being off helps, but a lot of times I wonder if being busy would help even more.”

Jim took a drink of his soda, then set the glass down. “First off, you shouldn’t feel bad that we’re paying someone to help out. We’re not paying her much, and she’s only part time.” He looked me in the eye. “But if you want to come back, I’ll let her go. It’s your decision. I know she really needs the money though.”

I hated to put someone out of work, especially when I wasn’t really sure I was ready to return. “Maybe I’ll take another month off. Spend more time with Dad.” I thought of Miranda again. “Why don’t you see if someone else is hiring? Maybe you can help Miranda find a job elsewhere before I return. That way everyone wins.”

Jim studied me with an expression that was hard to make out. “You’re a good person, Lou.”

I beamed at him and reached for his hand. “You are, too.”

We sat on the sofa afterward and watched TV. He sat closer than he had recently but didn’t put his arm around me like he used to. I tried not to be upset and stay positive, happy we were making progress, but just thinking that made me sad since our relationship had never been like work before.

That Saturday, Jim had plans with his dad. They were headed to the Chicago Auto Show for a fun father-son day.

Jim eyed the chocolate chip cookies I had baked to bring to my dad. “Can I steal one?” he asked.

“I’ll do you one better.” I went to the counter and handed him a container. “Here’s a batch of your own to go,” I said.

Jim gave me a quick kiss. “Thank you.” Then he put on his coat and scarf.

“Have fun,” I said as he left.

“You, too,” he replied as she shut the door.

I checked the time and saw I had a half hour before Lisa arrived and decided to take a quick nap. She was always so busy but set aside time today to spend with her Aunt Lou and Grandpa. When I closed my eyes, Jeannie came to mind. I thought of her often, but at that moment it felt like she was right there in the room with me.

Maybe she was.

The doorbell startled me, and I jumped up to answer it. “Hey!” I said, giving Lisa a big hug. “I’ll be ready in a minute. I just have to use the bathroom before we leave.”

I quickly brushed my teeth so I wouldn’t have morning breath, then went to the closet and put on my coat, scarf, and gloves before grabbing the cookies. As Lisa and I walked outside, I noticed a patch of ice. “Be careful. Looks like there’s a spot the salt missed.”

“Thanks,” she said, stepping around it. “I’m so sick of winter. Tim and I are taking a short vacation to the Bahamas in a few weeks. I can’t wait.”

“Good for you,” I said. “That sounds like a good idea right about now.”

As we climbed in the car I thought of Jim and me taking a trip. Maybe that’s what we needed. A short tropical vacation so we could reconnect.

On the way to Dad’s, I felt upbeat. Lisa had that effect on me. She bubbled with youthful energy.

“How’s your dad?” I asked her. I had been worried about Chuck. He was a strong man, but a person could only handle so much.

“He’s still having a tough time,” she murmured. “But at least today he’s out of the house. He and a friend from work went to the car show.”

“Too funny. Jim and his dad are there today, too.”

Lisa smiled. “Guess it’s a man thing. Well, not all men. Tim’s not big into cars. He sees them as just a way to get from place to place.”

Dad loved cars. I decided to see how long the show was running and then convince Jim to go again with him. I smiled, knowing that would be an easy sell.

Lisa and I trudged through snow that hadn’t been shoveled and rang the doorbell. A few minutes passed, and as we waited, we were hit with several frigid gusts of wind.

Lisa rang the bell again, holding it down longer this time, but there was still no reply.

“You think he remembered we were coming today?” Lisa asked.

“Yeah. I just talked to him last night. He was in the mood for more cookies, so I told him I’d bake some and bring them over. And I told him you were coming.”

Dad was getting older but had a great memory. He didn’t forget things.

“I’m freezing,” Lisa groaned.

I was freezing, too, so I fished my keys out of the bottom of my purse and found the spare one to my parent’s house. Once we opened the door, I called out his name because I didn’t want him to think we were burglars.

Still no answer.

I figured he must be in the bathroom and headed that way to check. When I turned the corner, I saw my dad lying face down on the floor. I dropped the tin of cookies and ran to him.

“Dad!”

I reached for him, and his skin was like ice. I lifted him halfway so I could see his face. His eyes were open, frozen in a faraway stare.

“Dad! Wake up!” I shook him with strength I didn’t normally have, but he wouldn’t wake up.

Lisa’s boots appeared in my line of vision, and I looked up at her.

“I think I better call 911,” she said, her voice shaky, a horrified expression on her face.

We locked eyes. “No...no…no…no…no…” I sobbed.

The ambulance arrived, and two grown men tried to take my dad from me.

“No!” I shouted. “You can’t have him!” They tried to calm me down and convince me to release him, but I wouldn’t let go.

Lisa kneeled in front of me. Her eyes were filled with tears. “They just want to help Grandpa. You’ve got to let them take him so they can help,” she said in a soothing voice.

I released him, nodding, and everything went black.

I never made it to my father’s funeral. I just couldn’t handle any more loss. I lay in bed, tired and desperately in need of sleep, but every time I’d drift off, I’d see the vacant expression on my father’s face and feel afraid.

I got up to use the restroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair was matted, and I had dark circles under my eyes. I caught a whiff of my body odor and considered showering but just didn’t feel up to it. All I could bring myself to do was brush my teeth and lie back down again.

I had finally fallen asleep when I heard Jim come home. He’d been picking up food a lot since Dad died, which I felt bad about but couldn’t find the energy to change.

“This is good,” I mumbled as I bit into my beef sandwich.

We continued eating in silence. The space between us seemed to grow a little more each day, and I felt powerless to stop it.

“What did you decide on the new building? Do you think it’s a good deal?” I asked, trying to start conversation.

“Too expensive. The guy won’t come down in price.”

I was full after taking a few bites and wrapped the rest of the sandwich up to have for lunch the next day. “Maybe a better building will come on the market.”

“Maybe.”

He didn’t seem interested in talking, so I found the motivation to take a shower. As I washed my hair, I remembered how I had learned to put on a happy face when I was in pain because people who complained all the time weren’t any fun to be around. But I had stopped trying to pretend. I never smiled. I was in a lot of pain, and I was completely useless, both at home and in our family business.

No wonder my husband didn’t want to spend time with me. I didn’t even want to spend time with myself.

Bernice called the next day. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I feel numb, mostly.”

There was a pause. “Have you thought of going to talk to someone?”

“I did, but I didn’t want to get involved with the whole analyzing my childhood and taking additional medications crap. I already take enough for RA.”

“I just worry about you. You’ve been through so much in such a short time. It’s insane, really. No one should have to endure so much pain.”

“It’s just so…hard, you know? But hearing from a friend who cares helps.” I didn’t want to mention the issue with Jim had gotten worse. Talking about my life was depressing. “How are things with you?” I asked, preferring to hear about hers instead.

“Aunt Grace has been a handful, and the boys are busy doing their own thing. They both have girlfriends now.”

I managed a smile. “Those were the days, huh? I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately, wondering if I could go back in time and change anything, what it would be.” I paused, making sure I still felt the same as when I had mulled it over the day before. “The truth is I can’t think of anything I would change. I mean, having a debilitating disease and losing the majority of my family wasn’t something I had any control over, but the things I did have control over I would have done the same way, so looking back, I have no regrets.”

“Most people can’t say that, Lou. In that respect, you are truly blessed.”

She was right. I had a lot to be grateful for. It was just hard to see. “Wait,” I said. “I just thought of one thing I’d change. I would have taken that trip to New Mexico when we were kids.”

“Yeah,” Bernice agreed. “It would have been way more fun if you could have come.”

Discussing the missed opportunity reminded me of the trip we never took with Jeannie. A chance we could never get back. “Maybe when I’m feeling better, you and I could go on vacation somewhere.”

“Just say when.”

When we hung up, I felt the first ray of optimism since Dad died. I pulled the sheets off the bed and threw them in the washing machine, and as I poured the soap in, I realized if I wanted to make this happen, it was up to me.

Lisa came to visit the next week. We hadn’t seen each other since the day we found Dad. Since I hadn’t gone to the funeral and she went to the Bahamas afterward, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

“Hey, Aunt Lou,” she said as I opened the door. She stepped in, smiling and emanating a healthy glow. “I got you a present,” she said, lifting a bag so I could see.

“Thank you. That was sweet.” I took the bag while she removed her jacket. “Here. Let me get your coat.”

She handed it to me, and I hung it up. We went into the family room and sat on the sofa.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked.

“No. I’m good. I want to see you open your gift.”

I sat down and picked up the bag, pulling out a small box from within and popped it open.

“This is gorgeous,” I marveled as I lifted up the tropical-looking necklace.

Lisa’s smile brightened. “The aqua stone is recycled glass, the chain and starfish is vintage-inspired brass, and the little clear stone is a Czech glass bead.”

I unhooked the clasp and put it on, getting up and going to the hallway mirror. “I really love it. Thanks so much.” I felt a little emotional, but did my best to suppress it. I didn’t want to cry all the time.

“I brought vacation photos, too.” Lisa rummaged through her bag and pulled out an envelope. “Here,” she said, thrusting the stack of prints into my hand.

I flipped through the pictures, asking questions about some and smiling at the ones where she and Tim had struck funny poses after having too much to drink. Seeing the two of them happy made me feel happy.

Lisa stayed a little longer, telling me all about her computer programming job and about one of her co-workers who drove her nuts. Most of the time, I just listened as she talked a mile a minute, but I found it soothing. For once the focus wasn’t on me.

“Listen to me. I’m rambling,” she said, then glanced at her watch. “I have to run. Tim and I are meeting some friends for dinner.” With that she jumped up. “See you soon.”

I walked her to the door and got her coat. “Thanks for stopping by. And thanks for the necklace.”

Lisa gave me a kiss on the cheek and waved on her way out, wearing a smile so bright it was contagious. As I watched her car disappear down the street, I prayed she would wear it all the days of her life.

When Jim came home, I was still in a good mood. I had straightened the house and cooked one of his favorite meals. Seeing Lisa’s vacation photos got me excited about us maybe taking a trip together.

“Lisa stopped by earlier. She gave me this.” I showed him the necklace.

“It’s pretty,” he said, returning his attention to his food.

We ate for a few minutes in silence.

“They had a great time on vacation,” I said, trying to revive the conversation. “Maybe we should take a trip like that? Somewhere tropical. What do you think?”

Jim didn’t answer right away. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he finally said.

“No? How about somewhere else then?” I didn’t much care where we went, I just wanted to go away with him.

I started clearing our empty plates.

“Why don’t you sit back down,” he said, letting out a heavy sigh. “We need to talk.”

I took a seat, feeling wary.

Jim looked me in the eye, a pained expression on his face. “I don’t know the best way to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it: I want a divorce.”

I stared at him, unable to believe what he had said. I thought he was going to say money was tight and we’d have to take a vacation next year, or he’d prefer Europe.

Then it sunk in. Our problems were worse than I thought, and I had been too wrapped up in myself to see.

“I know I’ve been hard to live with lately, being depressed for so long and not working, and I apologize,” I said, backpedaling. “It’s just been hard losing so many people.” The gravity of the situation I was in hit me, and I began shaking. “I never meant to make you feel unimportant. I’ve always loved you, Jim. You’re the love of my life.”

“Don’t apologize for being depressed. Anyone who has been through what you’ve been through would be depressed. But look at you, you’re pulling through, and all without medication or therapy.” He leaned toward me and added, “You’re strong, Lou. You can handle anything.”

I couldn’t understand why he was complimenting me while telling me he wanted to be apart.

“This is just a rough patch,” I said. “All couples have them. We had smooth sailing for so many years and now it’s our turn.” I took his hand. “We can get through this.”

Jim slowly pulled his hand away, lowered his head and rubbed his forehead. Tension hung in the air, and I held my breath, waiting to hear his reply.

He lifted his head and held my gaze. “We can’t get through this, Lou. I didn’t know how to tell you this with everything that’s been going on, but I have been seeing Miranda. And things have gotten serious.”

I sat in my chair, shocked and unable to speak.

“She’s pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.”