Effortless (22 page)

Shaking it off, I opened the door.

“I hope I’m not bothering you. I tried calling but your mobile went straight to voice mail.”

Two of them in one day
? I blinked at Emma as she stood holding a bottle of merlot. This girl couldn’t have picked a worse time to show up on my doorstep.

“What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?”

“Why?”

“I have to talk you and I’d rather not do it standing on the front steps.”

“Fine. Whatever,” I said.

She followed me into the living room and put the wine bottle on the coffee table. As far as I knew, she’d never set foot in this house before due to Alastair’s former ‘rule’ about not bringing women over. Then again, she knew where he lived so, there’s that.

“I’m going to get right to it,” she declared, sitting down. “I’ve spent the last two nights talking Alastair off a ledge. He’s an absolute mess. What did you do to him?”

Her violet eyes blazed with anger. I overcame my shock quickly and held her formidable stare.

“That’s not any of your business.”

“It is my business when he shows up at my flat, drunk off his ass and ranting about how he fucked it up again.”

I was too stunned to say anything.
Why is he running to her
? A horrible realization dawned on me. He always goes back to her. That’s what she’d told me.

Emma shook her head in disgust. “This isn’t the first time he’s come to me because of something you did. I gave you the benefit of the doubt after what happened in June but I warned him about letting his guard down. I told him to stick to what he knew and that you’d only end up breaking his heart. I fucking hate what you’re doing to him.”

My head spun. Who does this girl think she is? “I’m not doing anything to him. We’re—”

“Not doing anything to him?” she blurted. “He’s broken, Lia. And because of you he doesn’t know which way is up anymore. You think you know him so well? You don’t. If you really love him, you’ll break off this engagement and let him be.”

“Get out.”

She laughed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“What makes you such an expert on my relationship? You have no idea what we’ve been through.”

“Oh no? I’m the only constant in his life, Lia. I know exactly what you’ve put him through.”

A dull ache throbbed in my head. “Then you also know how he feels about me.”

“He doesn’t know what he feels,” she grumbled. “He never has. We bonded over our similar backgrounds as kids. I was abandoned by my birth mother and grew up in foster homes until I was adopted when I was nine. I don’t trust a soul. When I met Alastair, he lashed out at everyone. We clicked because neither one of us feels safe enough to let anybody else in. He fears loss and I fear abandonment. I helped him channel his fears so he’d be able to control his emotions. When it came to relationships, we agreed it was best to get what we wanted without having to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with love and sex and fucking feelings. It worked for us.”

I balled my hands into fists. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“His life was great until last spring,” she continued, “when he told me not to meet him at that cocktail party because he had a date with some American girl.” She glared at me. “I went anyway just to see what the fuss was all about. I disliked you the minute I saw you. You kept staring at him, like every other woman does, with those fuck me eyes. Only you wanted more than a one night stand with him. You saw a future and it gave him hope. It gave him something he’s been longing for all his life. I warned him that night to stay away from you.”

“You sound jealous,” I gloated. “He chose me over you.”

“He said you were different,” she raised her voice. “He claimed to see purity and honesty in your eyes. He was in love with you the second he met you and it freaked him out. But he kept saying he had to have you. I told him to forget about you, that you’d cause him nothing but trouble.”

I smirked. “Good to know he didn’t listen to your advice.”

“Don’t be flippant. You’ve caused him more pain in the last six months than I cared to witness.”

A cold shiver streaked down my spine. As annoyed as I was with her, my jealousy over her intimate knowledge of what made him tick clawed at me.

“He’s not the same person he was when you met him,” I said much more evenly than anticipated. “He’s learned to trust his emotions. He has a long way to go but he trusts what he feels for me and he trusts that I love him just as much, if not more.”

A ruthless grin curved her glossy lips. “You don’t get it, do you?”

I stiffened, hearing the lilt of Olivia’s voice saying those exact same words to me a week ago. “Get what?”

“He always comes back to
me
. I’m his safe place. I have his trust, Lia. Not you. Leave him the fuck alone.”

Without saying another word, she stood up and left. Anxiety shook me to the core. I grabbed the bottle of wine she’d brought, walked out the front door and threw it into the street, shattering it under the moonlight. Paxton got out of the car and approached while talking into his cell phone.

“She’s upset,” he said. “Do you want me to take— Understood.” He hung up and escorted me back to the house. I covered my mouth and held in a sob. Alastair knew she was here. He knew and he let that happen. He didn’t want to talk to me. He only wanted to know what was going on.

I sat on the bed, staring at my engagement ring. The diamond and halo of emeralds shimmered. I loved him with everything that I am but his damaged, broken soul still had so much healing to do. Whether or not I was the person he’d allow to join him on that journey remained a mystery. Maybe I had to let him discover the person he wanted to be on his own. I slipped off the ring and laid it on the nightstand before crawling under the covers.

Music?

I woke with a start. The room was dark and the bed was empty so I thought maybe I’d been dreaming.

No. There it was again.

Panicked, I climbed out of bed and edged into the hallway. The music was coming from the living room. My heart fluttered.
He’s back
?

I padded down the hall, stopping just shy of the entry. Alastair stood by the media cabinet, holding a photo in his hand and singing along quietly with The Script’s
For the First Time
. His voice was low and raspy. Never in a million years did I expect this.

“This song makes me think of you,” he said, not looking in my direction but clearly aware I was there. “It’s so fitting, especially now.”

I walked into the room and stood by one of the couches. I wanted so desperately to hold him.

Putting the photo down, he faced me. A good amount of reddish-brown scruff covered his face from lack of shaving. He appeared softer, less guarded than he was at his office. Unable to control myself, I ran to him, touching his cheek just to make sure he was in front of me for real.

“I’m here, love. I’m here.” His scent engulfed me as he banded his arms around my body. I clawed at him, pulling him closer, refusing to let this be a dream. The song swelled, filling the room. Blending together with the smooth vocals of the lead singer was Alastair’s voice. I felt his warm breath on my skin as he sang about times being hard and not giving up. I held him tighter, mesmerized by this moment.

“Lia,” he whispered. “My Lia.”

The tremendous pounding of my heart flooded my ears. As hurt and upset as I was over his leaving, and as emotionally exhausted as I was over my run-ins with Olivia and Emma, I wanted to make things right. I held his face in my hands. “I’m so sorry I said all those horrible things to you.”

Cupping the nape of my neck he leveled an intense stare at me. “Don’t be. You were right. I am selfish and afraid and hide behind my guilt to avoid happiness. But I don’t want to be that way with you. Be patient with me. Please, Lia. Be patient.”

“I always have been.”

“I know.” He slid his hand under my shirt. The feel of his skin on mine was electric, reawakening me after days of uncertainty and stress. “That accident…I know it was minor but I lost my mind. I couldn’t think straight. All I saw…all I felt…was how my life would be if you were taken from me. It was worse than any nightmare I’ve had.” He paused, wetting his lips. “I was so angry with you and with myself for letting that happen. My first instinct is always to—”

He clutched his stomach, noticing the diamond ring wasn’t on my finger. I swallowed down a sob.

“My first instinct was wrong. I should have held you. Comforted you. Kept you safe. These feelings are too consuming for me at times. It’s a shit excuse but it’s all I have.”

“Emma said—”

“Emma was wrong to say anything and I’ll deal with her soon enough. If I’d known she took it upon herself to fly here and—” His eyes flashed. “She knew me at a time in my life when I hated myself. She doesn’t understand what I feel for you.”

“But you ran to her. You left me and you ran to her.”

Lacing his fingers through mine, he led me to the bedroom. Sitting on the mattress, he leaned against the headboard and pulled me onto his lap to straddle him. This position was always comforting for both of us.

Brushing his thumb along my lower lip, he continued. “I thought she would help give me clarity. All she did was try to talk me out of being with you. At first, I figured it was her way of protecting me like she always had. But this time…this time was different. She’s never gotten past being abandoned. She’s never allowed herself to fully trust another person. Until I met you, neither had I.” His body stilled. “You look so gorgeous right now. All I want to do is kiss you and lose myself inside you.”

Lowering his head, he kissed my breast through the cotton tank top I was wearing. “I don’t think—” I gasped, cut off by the sensation of him sucking on my nipple. “Alastair,” I moaned. “Sex can’t always be the answer to our fights.”

My protests didn’t do much to convince me, let alone him. He felt so amazing. I leaned into his mouth, surrendering. His fingers sunk into the soft flesh on my thighs.

“Let me.” He looked at me with such hunger, such yearning. It was enough to leave me breathless. Instead it incited a riot of emotions.

“I hate that you shut me out,” I blurted, feeling the surge of hurt and anger build like a growing storm. “I hate that you chose Emma over me and told her everything that was bothering you. I’m supposed to be that person for you, Alastair. I’m supposed to be the one you trust with everything.” My lower lip quivered making his expression falter. “I’m supposed to be your safe place, not her.”

“You’re more than my safe place, kitten. You’re my lifeline.”

“Then please stop shutting me out when you’re thrust into emotional chaos.”

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. I could tell this weighed heavily on him even though he tried to mask it, like he always did. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his. We communicated in the one way we both knew worked; through touch. For me, feeling his hands on my skin quieted the chorus of doubts and insecurities that plagued my mind.

“I missed waking up with you,” he said after a few minutes. “I like hearing you first thing in the morning and feeling your body close. My day isn’t right if it doesn’t start that way. You have no idea how overwhelmed I am by you.”

I ran my fingers along his jaw and through the stubble. “I think I do, chief. I think you might need a safe word.”

That got a smile out of him. “We’ll see about that.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and fixed a bright green stare on me. “You’re so beautiful.”

Goosebumps commandeered every inch of my skin, rippling across my body. Bowing his head, he frowned. “Why aren’t you wearing your ring?”

I glanced at the glittering diamond on the nightstand and reached for it. He watched me, remaining still and quiet.

“I thought.” I paused, shaking my head.
I was being an idiot, as usual.
“I don’t know what I thought. I was overanalyzing again.”

Arching an eyebrow, he took the ring and slipped it back on my finger. The dominant spark returned to his eyes. “Don’t take it off again, kitten.”

“Do you promise not to shut me out anymore?” I challenged.

“Only if you promise to stay patient with me.”

“Always negotiating, Holden.”

“Always feisty, Meyers.”

I hugged him, relieved to feel his body relax and meld with mine. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

Breaking our embrace, he cupped my jaw and regarded me with great interest. Determination sparked behind his eyes. “Brent called me this afternoon,” he said, playing with my hair. “He told me what happened. I’m going to take care of the whole Olivia situation once and for all.”

“So you actually talked to him?”

“About a few things, yeah. He’s worried about her and rightfully so. I can’t change what she did or pretend it didn’t happen but all of this needs to stop.”

“What are you going to do?”

“That’s for me to worry about.” He grinned. “You look exhausted. Get some sleep.”

“Only if you never leave me alone in this bed again. If I have to sleep in here all by myself one more night I’ll go nuts.”

“That gives me an idea.”

“Oh really?”

His fingertips glided along my lower back, scattering more goosebumps in their wake. “A brilliant idea in fact.”

“And what’s this brilliant idea you have, English?”

The left corner of his mouth ticked up in a grin. “We stay in bed until the sun comes up.”

I pouted. “That’s not much longer. It’s already four in the morning.”

He leaned in and nibbled on my neck. “You didn’t let me finish. When the sun comes up on Friday.”

“That means— Wait. Skip work? You? That’s unheard of.”

“Someone once told me I was due for some time off and since I’m the boss—” he smirked “—I approve the request.”

“Convenient,” I snickered. “There’s one problem though. You’re not
my
boss, so I have to go to work.”

“Interesting thing about that. You have the rest of the week off.”

“Alastair,” I exclaimed. “I can’t—”

“It’s done. I’ve already cleared it with Sam, so you have nothing to worry about.”

I folded my arms and gave him a look. “When did you do that?”

His nonchalant shrug irked me.

“I have a show to produce. Just because you’re a crazy control freak doesn’t mean you can dictate—”

He kissed me quiet, owning me with every tongue stroke.

“I can and I did,” he said with a knowing smile. “You’ll thank me later.”

“Arrogant bastard. You know what that tone of voice does to me.”

“The same thing your defiant little pose does to me when you cross your arms and challenge me with those eyes.”

“You’re a lot of work, Holden. I’m exhausted just thinking about what it’s going be like married to you.”

He squeezed my waist, making me jump. “Not as exhausted as you’ll be after I take you in every position, on every surface, piece of furniture, shower, bathtub, car, airplane—”

“Holy fuck,” I gasped.

“Exactly.”

With one arm, he tossed me onto my back, yanked down my sweats and proceeded to have his way with me on the bed until the sun rose.

* * *

Ringing bells echoed in my head. Cloudy with sleep, I grunted. The bells rang again, louder and more persistent this time.
Go away.
Tangled in Alastair’s embrace, I managed to squint toward the nightstand to see what time it was. Noon? I haven’t slept in this late since college. The doorbell sounded a third time. Alastair stirred next to me.

“Are you expecting someone?” I asked, thinking about another surprise visit from Emma, or worse.

“Yep.” He sat up and yawned, ruffling his hair back and forth. Anyone who claimed to not be a morning person clearly never woke up next to a naked Alastair Holden. Even groggy with sleep he was hot. Standing up, he stretched. I was now eye level with his bare backside so I took the opportunity that was presented and grabbed a handful.

“Hey,” he said, turning after I pinched him. “Save it for later.” With a wink and grin, he slipped on his jeans and left the room. A few seconds later I heard his voice along with another man’s. I leapt out of bed and threw on the first clothes I could find. It sounded like they were heading toward his home office. Curious, I went after them and hovered just outside the door.

“Everything’s in order, mate. I just need the signatures.” The guy with Alastair handed him a folder. He was dressed professionally, unlike my scruffy fiancé who was shirtless and had barely completed the button-fly requirements on his jeans. “Jason sure is chuffed about the whole thing.”

“He should be. He’s been wanting this for years. Pain in my ass.”

The other guy laughed. “Good to see you two are close as ever.”

Alastair stilled and turned in my direction. Not only was I now under the watchful gaze of his emerald eyes but his associate’s blue ones as well.

“Hi.” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice; it sounded so shy.

“This must be Amelia.” He looked from me to Alastair. “You didn’t tell me she was this much of a knockout in person.”

If looks could kill, this guy would be dead after the one Alastair threw in his direction.

“Gerard Wilson,” he said, extending his hand. “I have the unfortunate pleasure of being his attorney.”

I shook Gerard’s hand and stood next to Alastair, who couldn’t get his arm around my waist fast enough. Gerard looked strangely familiar to me but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He wasn’t as tall as Alastair but he was muscular. Stocky, even.
Built like a bulldog
, my dad would say.

“I can change your fortune, if you’d prefer,” Alastair said, arching an eyebrow in Gerard’s direction.

“Where’s the fun in that? My other clients are boring and wouldn’t dare greet me half naked at the front door.”

“My other attorneys are seen and not heard unless they have something useful to tell me.”

I was fascinated listening to the two of them spar with each other good-naturedly. I’d only seen Alastair interact with Darren in a friendly manner. His history with Brent had been less than cordial and, well, he expressed his dislike for Nathan with a closed fist more than once.

“So when’s the wedding? I trust my invitation is in the mail.” Gerard shoved his hands in his pockets and smiled at me.

“We haven’t set a date yet.”

“No?” He looked at Alastair. “For fuck’s sake what are you waiting for, Holden? If you don’t hurry up and marry her a line will start forming down the street. Gorgeous women like this don’t linger on the market long.”

“Anything else you wanted?” Alastair’s grip tightened on my waist as he shot Gerard another deadly look.

“Stand down, soldier.” He winked. “Save it for the rugby pitch.”

Rugby? That’s it! This was the guy who’d shouted in Alastair’s direction that day I ran into him at the field. I should have known this was the same guy. The look he’d given Gerard back then was identical to this one.

“You wouldn’t be saying that if we played on different sides, G.”

“Bollocks. You’re not that good.” Gerard looked at me. “Do you see what I have to put up with? I hope he knows what a saint you are. I wouldn’t marry him if he was the last man on earth.”

“He’s a handful but I think I have it covered,” I smiled.

“Probably more than you realize. The ice man melts for no one. Imagine my surprise when he said he proposed. I lost a bet.”

I glanced up at Alastair. “So I really am the only one who didn’t know that everyone else knew about our engagement.”

He just shrugged and kissed my forehead.

“The man is a master,” Gerard said. “Not to be an old bore but if you could sign those I’ll send them off to the London office for tomorrow morning.”

While Alastair scrutinized the legal documents, Gerard continued chatting with me. I could tell he was being more flirty than was necessary just to get a rise out of my overprotective boyfriend. I didn’t feel threatened by it at all. Truth be told, it amused me. I liked him. His easygoing demeanor and kind face offset his intimidating build.