Easy Silence (14 page)

Pete began to anxiously shake his head. “There’s a legend in my tribe…we don’t speak of evil because it just breeds evil, and that man is as evil as they come.”

A huge lump formed in my throat, knowing that Jaxson was most likely witness to that evil. “He’s so broken, Pete.”

He nodded. “That he is, Sam.”

“I-I think I make him happy. At least sometimes, anyway. Like when he lets out a smile or tells a joke. I know somewhere deep down inside there’s love in his heart.”

He reached into the car and took my hand. “Sam, I think you do make him happy, as happy as he’s ever going to be. You’re good for him, and as much as I want to see him completely heal, I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. There's another old legend in my tribe that says, people who need it the most are granted the spirit of the wolf. They are physically beautiful just like the wolf, but they never allow anyone to get too close to them. You quieted that wolf inside of him for now, but just know that it can be awakened once again at any time.” I wiped away a stray teardrop. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” I nodded and pulled it together as best as I could when I heard the front door slam. Pete immediately changed the subject and showed Jax something under the hood of his truck. I was so grateful to him for doing so as it allowed me to get myself together a bit more. Maybe I was setting myself up for heartache, but I couldn’t walk away now. My feelings for Jaxson were too strong, and I wasn’t going to just leave him to spare my own emotions. Jaxson deserved better than that, and I was willing to take the risk to show him that he was worthy of love.

* * *

I placed my hand in Jaxson’s as we walked into church. I had been to Hadley’s church only a few times as a little girl, so none of the faces were familiar. Everyone was warm and welcoming, erasing any apprehension that I had about being a newcomer. We took a seat in the last pew, and Jaxson held on tightly to my hand. “Don’t worry Jaxson; from what I remember, Hadley’s church isn’t like the stuffy, boring ones you’re probably used to. It’s more upbeat and has lots of singing.”

“I’ve never been to church before.”

“Oh.” I tried to conceal my surprise over that.
Really? He had never been to church?
I dropped the subject, figuring that church was the last thing on his mother’s agenda when he was growing up.

“There you are!” Hadley said as she and Henry approached us. Her eyes shifted to Jaxson. “Jaxson, I’m glad you decided to come.” He cleared his throat and nodded, looking straight ahead. “Well, why don’t you two come sit in the front, so Pastor Davis can give you a proper welcome during his sermon.”

I briefly looked at Jaxson, bouncing his leg up and down in a nervous manner while squeezing tightly to my hand. “Oh…ummm. We’re good back here.”

Hadley gave me a reassuring smile and nodded. “Thank you for coming, Jaxson.”

“Welcome,” he responded.

Once Hadley and Henry walked away, I placed my hand on Jaxson’s thigh to stop it from shaking.

He cleared his throat and stilled his leg, just as the pastor began to speak. I was surprised by the end of the sermon that I had actually gotten something from it. On the rare occasion that I would attend church back at home with my parents, I would find myself trying to preoccupy my mind with anything besides what was going on in front of me. “You survived,” I whispered to Jaxson. He forced a smile, and we headed outside to get to work.

* * *

The bake sale was a success, and Jaxson was a big part of that achievement; he had been working non-stop since church had let out, setting up tables, hanging signs and helping out wherever he was needed. I scoured the area for him, once the crowd had dwindled down.

I snuck up behind him once I found him and broke off a piece of the chocolate chip cookie that was in my hands. “Open wide.” He didn’t pay any attention to my request and turned around to look at me. “I got you a cookie,” I said, trying to pass it off to him.

“I don’t want it.”

“They’re Hadley’s famous chocolate chip cookies; you have to try it.” He rolled his eyes and took it from my hand. “Would you like me to get you another?” I asked as he swallowed it down.

“No, I’m good.”

"Are you ready to get out of here?" I asked, fairly certain of what his answer was going to be.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Sam, Jaxson." Hadley's voice stopped us dead in our tracks. I turned around as she approached us with Pastor Davis. "I wanted to introduce you to Pastor Davis. Pastor, you remember Caroline’s granddaughter, Sam, don’t you?”

“Well of course I do. The last time I saw you, you were just a little girl. My, how time flies,” he said.

“And this is Jaxson Callahan,” Hadley continued.

The pastor’s eyes widened at the mention of his name, and a sympathetic gaze fell upon his face. It seemed as if everyone knew his story. Everyone, except me. "Jaxson, thank you for coming out and spending your Sunday morning with us and for all of your hard work with the bake sale." He extended his hand to him.

"Welcome," he muttered, shaking his hand back.

"Where are you two headed? Aren't you staying for the barbeque?" Pastor Davis asked.

"Oh…ummm…we didn't even know…" I began to reply.

"Of course they are planning on staying," Hadley finished.

"Well, I'm not sure. Jaxson may have other plans," I said with a raise of my eyebrow to Hadley for being so presumptuous.

"It’s fine," Jaxson stammered. I stared at him for a moment, a little shocked by his response. I thought for sure that he’d be climbing the walls to get out of here.

A smile spread across Pastor Davis’ face. “Very good. There’s plenty of food on the grill out back. Please, help yourselves, and Jaxson, I hope to see you back here again.”

Jaxson gave him a quick nod and took my hand, turned around, and led me outside. I grabbed a plateful of food, and we found an out of the way spot under a tree, trying to get refuge from the hot humid afternoon. “Thanks for coming with me today, Jaxson.” I broke off a piece of my burger and stuck it in my mouth, and without even realizing what I was doing, I broke a piece off for him and held it up to his mouth. He looked at me strangely, finally opening up so I could feed it to him. “So, was church pretty much what you thought it would be?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know. I never really imagined it to be one way or another. I guess I never really thought about it much at all.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’ve never been a big church goer either. I feel like your relationship with God is personal, and it’s great if you want to get together once a week and honor him, but it’s also okay if you just want to honor your beliefs in your heart.”

“Maybe. But what if you don’t believe at all? Does that make you a bad person?”

“No. Everyone is entitled to his own beliefs. But, can I ask you why you feel that way?”

He let out a nervous breath. “All that stuff he was talking about today. How come everyone only wants to see the good that God supposedly created? How come no one talks about the bad? I mean, if he did create everything and everyone, then there’s plenty of bad stuff to go along with the good. How come everyone just ignores that and pretends that it doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t happen or has never happened?” I could tell by the emotion building up in his voice that he was speaking from personal experience. “Because it does.” His eyes were glassy as he stared into mine.

I bit my bottom lip, trying to halt the lump in my throat from seeing him tear up. “We can talk about it now.”

He looked up at the sky and shook his head. “Just forget it.”

I grabbed his hand and gently skimmed my thumb over the top of it. “Maybe another time?”

He didn’t respond, he just pulled me into him and kissed me on the top of my head. For now, that was all the answer I needed. His actions spoke volumes.

“Wonder if there are any frogs in this water?” I asked.

“Probably not, they like murkier water; it's where they feel like they fit in best"

“Hmm…I didn't know frogs needed to
fit in
.” I giggled.

"I mean in the eco-system. It's the type of environment they've adapted to. Just like humans. You can't take a person who was raised in a dysfunctional environment and expect him to adapt to a normal one. It just doesn't happen." He picked up a rock and threw it into the water.

“Why can't it? People defy the odds all the time. The past doesn't have to control the present and the future."

“Maybe for some people, but I'll always be that frog that stays in the water where it's most comfortable." I let out a deep sigh and squeezed his hand tighter as we both stared silently out at the lake. "I was five years old when I caught my first frog," he blurted out, still staring straight ahead. "There was this little pond in the back of the place where we stayed." He paused, appearing to be gathering his thoughts. “The place where we lived was really tiny, only one bedroom. My mother always had guys come over, and when they did, she would send me off to catch frogs." I closed my eyes preparing myself for the rest of the story. I knew it was going to be just as hard for me to listen to as it was going to be for him to tell it. "It didn't bother me much as long as it wasn't
him
coming around."

“Who was that?" I asked.

“Wayne.” I could hear the disdain in his voice just at the mere mention of his name. He closed his eyes and began to shake. "He would beat the shit out of my mother, and she didn’t care. He hated me for some reason. So, I always did my best to stay out of their way when they were partying. He was even meaner when he was drunk.” I moved closer to him and squeezed his hand. He stared straight ahead in a trance-like state and continued to speak. “This one time, when I was seven, he came around. I was sick and all I wanted to do was sleep, but my mom made me go out to the pond so they could get high and have sex. I begged her to let me stay. I told her I would get out of the way. It was cold and rainy. I was just so tired.” I closed my eyes, trying my hardest to keep my emotions in check. “He pulled me off the couch and smacked me in the face. I was willing to take ten more smacks even twenty times harder if it meant that I didn’t have to go out in the cold.” He looked at me, and all I could see was sheer agony in his eyes. I wasn’t sure if I should stop him and spare him the pain or let him continue and get it all out. “I sat out by the pond for an hour, shivering and trying to find some shelter from the rain. I tried closing my eyes and falling asleep, but it was useless. When I finally couldn’t take anymore, I snuck back into the house and didn’t hear anything, which meant the party was over, and they were passed out. I was so cold; all I wanted to do was warm up, so I boiled some water to make hot chocolate and was just going to go into the closet with it to sleep.”

My heart raced, knowing that climatic moment was coming at any second just by the way his voice was wavering. “Jaxson, you don’t have to do this.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying it more for his benefit or my own.

“My mother was passed out, but he wasn’t. I didn’t know he was in the bathroom. When he came out, he caught me in the kitchen just as my pot of water was done boiling.” I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, seeing the scars on his back so clearly in my mind.

"He was drunk and high off his ass. Just seeing me standing there put him into a rage. I told him I was just making some hot chocolate because I was cold, and that made him even angrier."

He shivered, and I hugged his arm when he began to tremble. "Jaxson, it's okay."

"He just kept staring at me, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that I was going to get it. I didn't want to do anything to set him off so I just planned on going back outside. He picked up the pot of boiling water and said, 'don't forget your hot chocolate’. He got me on my back with it just as I was walking out the door. The tears were now streaming down his face, and I could no longer hold in mine. I threw my arms around him and gently rubbed his back. "That's what I'm talking about, Samantha; if God is so good, then how could people like him even exist?"

"I don't know, Jaxson," I whispered, rubbing my thumb under his eye to catch a teardrop. "He is evil, and I hope he suffers for what he did to you. But
there are
good people in this world, people who care about you. Like me.” He looked at me thoughtfully, seeming a little surprised by my admission. “I care about you Jaxson, I really do, and I will be here for you if you ever need me for anything. I need you to know that. I need you to trust me. I know we haven't known each other for long, and this may seem a little weird to you, but I feel a strange connection with you. Don't let some animal from your past taint your future. It can be more beautiful than you ever imagined." His lips moved toward mine, and my stomach fluttered at the softness in his kiss. I rested my head on his shoulder, and we silently stared out at the lake once again. I closed my eyes, imagining him as a helpless little boy enduring all that pain. He let out a deep calming breath as my fingers slid under his shirt and gently glided them over his back. I knew I could never take away the old wounds, but I was determined to ensure that he didn't suffer any new ones.

Jaxson seemed mentally exhausted after he unleashed some of his past to me. So, after leaving the barbeque, we spent the rest of the day sitting by the pond looking for frogs and reading. By the time we called it quits, my eyes were getting heavy, and we were already on chapter twenty-seven. Even though he seemed drained, at the same time he seemed refreshed, like a huge weight had been lifted from him, just by talking about it to someone. I was honored that he felt comfortable enough to place that trust in me. I replayed the story over and over in my head all day long, cringing each time I did. I couldn’t imagine any child having to endure that, and the fact that his mother just ignored it made it a hundred times worse. Now, I could see why he despised her so much. I didn’t even know her, and I hated her. As much as I didn’t want to believe it, I was fairly certain that was just one of many horrific stories of his childhood.