e Squared (56 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared
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PS: You know I'd do anything for you, but please don't mention the Dordogne book again.
 
PPS: Ever.
 
PPPS: What's Sudocrem?
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.27
Subject: Re: To do
 
We have to fly so damn early because our dear friend has very kindly organized a trip to see Father Christmas in Lahti. The sled leaves at noon tomorrow. Just be home on time.
 
FYI, Sudocrem is a product for the relief of nappy rash. Nappies are worn by babies. We have a baby.
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.33
Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9 [continued]
 
David has made a good recovery from his burns. The scarring isn't as bad as we'd feared. If anything, around the eyes it has even taken a year or two off him! His remedy, as ever, has been to throw himself into work. He can be very proud that in this economic
annus horribilis,
Meerkat360 has not only survived but, dare I say it, thrived.
[saved as draft]
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: David Crutton, Ted Berry
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.34
Subject: Possible problem
 
Strictly FYI at this stage, but the Advertising Standards Authority has had a stack of complaints about Ketel One. Below are some quotes that capture the general tenor.
 
Obviously there'll be no adjudication on this until the New Year, which will see the client safely through the all-important Christmas sales period, but we do need to prepare for the worst.
 
Sorry to be the bearer of the opposite of glad tidings so close to the break.
Bill
 
<< I cannot believe they put those sweet little babies and innocent puppies in the vodka advertisements. The perpetrators should rot in jail with the paedos and hedge-fund managers. There they would be gang-raped by the armed robbers and hell's angels. That would teach them a lesson they wouldn't forget in a hurry. »
 
<< I am appalled by the advert that depicts babies mixing cocktails. Particularly shocking is the one that shows the wee mite operating a blender. I myself have a beautiful one-year-old. What if she were to see it and attempt to mix her own Ketel One Strawberry Daiquiri? I have sleepless nights imagining her scaling the kitchen worktop and tumbling headfirst into the blender jug, where she is pickled in a lethal mixture of pulped fruit and alcohol before being shredded by the whirling steel blades. This must surely breach every health and safety regulation going. »
 
<< A puppy in a blender? Advertising has finally gone too far. >>
From:
David Crutton
To: Bill Geddes
Cc: Ted Berry
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.37
Subject: Re: Possible problem
 
Thank you, Bill. Isn't that just the final bottle of Brut in my Christmas stocking? I can add it to the writ from the government of Rwanda for playground cigarette trafficking, the recall last week by Esmée Éloge of two million bottles of Eau de Thatch after the House of Fraser spray monkey blinded six customers, and the loss of the Royal National Institute of Blind People account after the aforementioned debacle.
 
Am I really destined to spend the whole of 2010 in court? Looks like it.
 
You've done me one favor though. Suddenly a fortnight in fucking Finland looks blissfully appealing. In my absence, why not pass this one on to Caroline? After a year of wall-to-wall empowerment seminars, there's surely no problem too gargantuan for her to fix.
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.39
Subject: Ketel One
 
Hi Caroline. David has asked me to brief you on a Ketel One issue. Are you free?
 
From:
Caroline Zitter
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.40
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
 
I am feeling unwell and won't be in today.
 
From:
Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.40
Subject: Vegas
 
I'm sorry, Liam, but I'm really worried. I know Brett, Vince and Princess Jasmine (BTW, that cannot be her real name) will be gutted if we pull out, but are you sure this trip is a good idea? You've achieved so much in the last year, but all your hard work could be undone after just a few minutes on the Strip. Remember how you lost it in Southend, and that was just a poxy arcade on the pier? Sorry to be so gloomy, but it's not too late to cancel. What do you think?
 
From:
Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.41
Subject: Christ is born!
The shepherds said unto one another,
“Let us go to Bethlehem and see this thing that
has happened,
which the Lord has told us about.”
Please join me for a service of traditional Christmas song in the multi-denominational chapel at 6.00 this evening. Enjoy all your old favorites, including “Ding Dong Merrily on High,” “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” and “Away in a Manger.”
 
From:
Nigel Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.42
Subject: Come praise Him!
On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him.
Glad tidings, everyone! Today Pastor Terry Treacher of the Grace Triumphant Church of the Moral High Ground will lead us in EXULTANT PRAYERS of JOYOUS CELEBRATION of the birthday of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. Come to the multidenominational chapel at lunchtime to share the GOOD NEWS.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.44
Subject: Re: Vegas
 
What are you like? I am the guy who dived
5
off the Golden Gate Bridge. I can easily withstand the temptation of a few silly slot machines. And blackjack tables. And craps games. Besides, I'll have you, my rock, by my side. What could possibly go wrong?
 
BTW, remind me of your bra size (promise, nothing with unseemly holes).
 
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.55
Subject: Where have you been?
 
Hi there,
Liam O'Keefe,
Michelle
6
here, your favorite girl at your favorite online bookie. I haven't seen you for a while and I really miss you! We used to have such fun, didn't we? Now I am so lonely without you. Why not drop by? You might catch me with hardly any clothes on!! And I have some very tempting offers just for
you.
7
 
Go to
SafeBet.com/Michelletemptations
to find out more. Come on,
Liam O'Keefe,
it's just not the same without you.
Michelle xxx
 
Go on, have a punt
Just a little one
You know you want to

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