E for England (17 page)

Hugh nodded.

‘You think I was too harsh?'

‘I'm not judging you, Annie. You do what you do.'

‘That's not very helpful.'

Annie ate more chocolate cake. Hugh didn't seem to have an opinion on what she should do at all, kept saying she had to decide herself. If she knew what she should do and how she should act with Kevin she wouldn't have asked for his advice. Asking him had been a mistake. Women were much better at dissecting these issues than men. Even Julia had come up with reasons for her opinion.

He tried again. ‘I'm sorry. But it's really your decision and how you act is up to you. You're the only one who knows how you feel about the man and what your children need. Only you can decide the best thing for them.'

‘But you said I should let him see the kids.'

He shook his head. ‘I said I think children need their father. And you still don't know what he wants to see you about. He might want a divorce.'

‘He would have said so on the phone.'

‘Would he? He might want to tell you in person.' He drained his tea and poured more. ‘I don't know what he wants and, more to the point, neither do you until you talk to him and find out.'

‘We have less than a month before we can file for divorce. The year is almost up.' She smiled as a little ray of sunshine beamed onto the dark blob in her heart that was Kevin. ‘That's probably it, the timing is right. He wants a divorce. Thank goodness.' Hugh was right all along. She almost looked forward to meeting him tomorrow and getting it over with.

‘When's Leonie coming back?'

‘About two weeks, maybe a bit longer.' Annie carefully picked a crumb off her plate and ate it, tried to sound casual. ‘Why?'

‘You'll need a lawyer.'

‘She's not a divorce lawyer.'

‘But she knows the law and how to check what's needed, and she'll know someone who is, won't she?'

‘I suppose.' A new alarm sounded. ‘How will I be able to afford a lawyer?'

‘That's why Leonie will be useful. Free advice. She wouldn't charge you, would she?' He cocked an eyebrow.

‘No. I don't think so but I can't imagine this won't cost anything.
Nothing
costs nothing these days.'

‘That's true. At least you might be able to get some money out of him if you're in contact with him.'

‘I'll make sure I get an address.'

‘And make him buy you lunch.'

Annie smiled and shook her head. ‘I don't want to spend any more time with him than I have to.'

Hugh left a short time later, pleased that Annie had a more positive face on tomorrow's meeting than when he'd arrived, but with an uncomfortable frisson of something he suspected might be jealousy. He didn't want her seeing that deadbeat husband at all. He'd prefer the affair was finalised by lawyers and Annie need never be troubled by him again.

It wasn't going to happen that way, he knew that. These things never were trouble free. Especially with children in the mix. Annie would do anything to ensure their happiness, that was her biggest problem. She'd insist the man spend time with Mattie, and in reality he was entitled to. He should. But that would mean Annie had to see him too. And the more she saw of him maybe the more she'd remember why she married him.

Hugh growled as he went down the stairs on leaden feet.

Annie stepped out of the elevator at twelve twenty nine. Her stomach gurgled like a drain. Empty. She couldn't eat breakfast and only nibbled at a malted biscuit with a cup of tea midmorning. She scanned the foyer. A few visitors stood by the reception desk. Two men in suits and a woman. Not Kevin. If he hadn't turned up that was it, she wouldn't give him another chance.

She walked to the doors and stood by the entrance. Right on twelve thirty now. She'd said she wouldn't wait. Bastard! She pushed the door open and walked outside into a blustery wind carrying with it a wintery chill off the harbour. Her jacket wasn't warm enough. She shoved her hands in the pockets and headed for the café round the corner.

‘Annie, wait.'

Behind her. She stopped and turned slowly. He sounded tentative, breathless.

‘I'm sorry I'm a bit late.'

‘Nice tan.' The first words that popped into her head, emerging with a sarcastic bite. That unstoppable fury boiled up inside her again. He'd been lazing about on Asian beaches turning his freckled pale skin golden brown while she'd been struggling, worried sick about her children and her future.

‘I've been working on a boat. You're looking well, Annie.' The pale blue eyes looked into hers with the familiar guileless expression, hiding thoughts and desires she'd had no idea were there. Before. Now she knew.

‘What do you want from me, Kevin? I know what I want from you.'

He glanced past her down the street. ‘Let's go somewhere and talk.'

Annie nodded. The cold wind nipped at her cheeks. ‘There's a café but it'll be crowded. We could go to the pub. It's quieter.' That was because it was old and rundown and frequented by strange, furtive looking men and drunks. No-one would give them a second look.

The table in the corner was sticky with spilled drink. Kevin went to the bar and came back with a damp cloth. Annie watched in surprise as he wiped it down. He had on a grey suit and a blue shirt she hadn't seen before. Smart.

‘What would you like to drink?'

‘Sparkling water.'

‘Anything to eat?'

Annie looked at the blackboard menu. Her stomach growled and sloshed. ‘Soup of the day. I don't care what it is.'

Kevin went away to order before she could open her purse for money. Hugh's words echoed in her mind, ‘Make him buy you lunch', and she smiled. She looked across at Kevin. He'd lost weight, or rather, his body had firmed, toned. Working on a boat he said. Outdoor work instead of sitting at a computer. He looked fit and well. Better than she'd ever seen him. He still hadn't asked after his children. The little weakening spot in her heart cemented over.

He turned and caught her staring. Smiled that goofy grin she'd fallen in love with when she was nineteen and naïve. She looked away. He had children; did he remember that minor detail?

Kevin set the drinks on the table and sat down. ‘How are Mattie and Floss?'

‘I'm surprised you remember them.'

‘Don't be like that, Annie.' At her gasp of outrage he said quickly, ‘I mean I understand why you're angry and I apologise for…doing what I did, but things will be different now.
I'm
different.'

‘Better or worse?' she asked sourly.

‘Better. Much better. I miss them.'

Annie clenched her fists so tightly they ached. She didn't trust herself to speak it was such an outrageously egocentric statement.

He went on, ‘It was better I didn't see them while I was sorting myself out. It was too confusing for me, it would have been disastrous for them. Better I wasn't around them.' He nodded to confirm the fact.

‘One lousy postcard a month,' she ground out. ‘In nearly a year you sent a few miserable postcards.'

‘You moved,' he said.

‘Don't try to make this my fault, you bastard.'

He jerked back, shocked by the vehemence. He seemed so genuinely surprised by the depth of her rage she nearly laughed. What planet was he on? She had to get this farce over with.

‘What exactly do you want?'

A waitress arrived and deposited two bowls of pumpkin soup and a basket of bread on the table. Annie spooned up a mouthful while she waited for whatever oddity he was about to come out with. The soup was good. She ate more and took a slice of bread, suddenly ravenous.

‘I want us to be friends again. I want to see my kids.'

‘You
should
see them!' She swallowed. ‘Mattie misses you. I hope you've got a good explanation for him.'

Kevin nodded. ‘Thank you.'

‘Don't thank me. Treat our children properly, that's all you need to do. If I had my choice I'd divorce you and never let you see them again but it wouldn't be right — for them.'

‘A divorce?'

‘Don't sound so surprised. Surely you want a divorce too?'

‘I hadn't…no.'

‘What?' Annie's spoon fell into her bowl with a clunk.

‘I hadn't thought about a divorce. I didn't think you'd want one either. Do you have someone else?'

‘No. Believe me, you've put me right off men. But I do want a divorce and as soon as the year is up I'm filing.' Annie resumed eating, pleased at the effect her announcement was having. What on earth had he expected?

Kevin ate a piece of bread thoughtfully. ‘I suppose it would make sense.'

‘Sense? What are you talking about? Surely you don't want this marriage to stagger on, do you?'

‘I don't know. Like I said, I hadn't thought about it.'

‘You hadn't thought about anything much beyond yourself, had you? Divorce or not, what about money for the kids? I can't manage on my own income. Not very well anyway. I had to sell off a lot of furniture and stuff when I moved in with Leonie because I couldn't afford to store it and there wasn't any room in the apartment.'

‘I'm sorry.'

‘Me too.' He'd be even more sorry when he found out what exactly she'd sold. Most of it was his.

‘I can help financially now. I'm starting work again in IT.'

‘Good. You've no idea what's been happening. When you stopped depositing money I had to move. I couldn't pay the rent. I had to move the kids to a new school and they lost all their old friends. We're living in a seventh floor apartment that's geared to singles. I had to defer the MBA so there's no hope of getting a better paid position until I finish it.'

‘I'm sorry.' What a feeble word ‘sorry' was.

‘I was sick with worry. I had no idea how I was going to manage, where we were going to live, and it was only because someone at work was kind and generous enough to offer to share her apartment that we survived. And now you come…' She cast about for a suitable term ‘…dancing back expecting to pick up where we left off. Expecting me to welcome you back and forget the last miserable year.'

‘Annie, I'm gay,' he said when she paused for breath.

Annie's lungs seized up. She coughed and choked for a few moments and downed half her glass of water while Kevin watched anxiously.

‘Since when?' she croaked. He had to be kidding. She wiped her streaming eyes and cleared her throat.

‘Probably all my life, but it's only recently that I decided I had to find out. I was in such a mess I just had to get away. Not from you,' he added hastily. ‘From my life as it was.'

‘Why did you marry me?' Her voice emerged as a sort of squeak. This she had never expected. What did that say about her as a woman, about her woman's instinct?

‘I was in denial, I suppose.'

‘But couldn't you have told me? Had we grown so far apart? Was I so unapproachable? Did you think I'd be…' Shocked? She was. Horrified? Possibly but not because of the gayness, because she'd never guessed he might be. ‘Unsympathetic?' she finished. ‘I'm not anti-gay. I'm not a biased person, you know that.'

‘I wasn't thinking straight.' He stopped and laughed at the unintentional pun. Annie smiled and the smile turned into a hysterical little giggle then faded.

‘No, you weren't. All the time I thought it was
me
, Kevin. I thought you couldn't stand being married to
me
and that you regretted having the kids. I thought you hated us all. And you let me think that!'

‘I don't. I love the kids and I love you.' He studied his hands. ‘Just not in that same way anymore. I can't. I'd never regret marrying you, Annie, believe me.'

‘I understand.' And she did. The lack of sex early on in their marriage suddenly made sense, the failure of Victoria's Secret to liven things up, perhaps even the desire to live in a share house so there was always someone else around to alleviate the one to one ratio. ‘So why don't you want a divorce? I would have thought it was the obvious thing to do.'

‘There's no rush is there?'

Annie hesitated. She took her spoon and scraped up the last of the soup, finished the bread. ‘I suppose not.'

‘If we're still married we'll still be a family.'

She frowned. ‘But that's irrelevant if we're not living together. I'd prefer to get a divorce. Why not?'

Kevin firmed his lips. ‘I haven't told anyone here in Sydney I'm gay. They think I'm married but separated at my new work.'

‘You don't have to tell them anything. They can't fire you or not hire you because you're gay!'

‘No, but the boss is really big on family and I'm not comfortable yet with…you know.'

‘Get another job.'

‘But this one is really good and the pay is great. I'll be able to give you more money than before.'

‘Before what? Before you stopped giving me any at all? Well that's good.'

‘You'll be able to restart the MBA because I'll be around for the kids.'

Annie held up her hands. ‘Hold on, hold on. This is getting out of control.' She sucked in a deep breath. ‘You can't just walk back into our lives and pick up where you left off. Mattie is very hurt and he's become quite suspicious of people. Neither of them likes me to be out of their sight for very long because they think I might disappear the way you did.'

‘But I won't. I'll tell them I'm back for good, for them.'

‘I'll have to tell them myself and ask them if they'd like to see you. But only short visits for a while so they can get used to you again. Where are you living?'

‘Randwick.' He told her the address and she wrote it down. ‘I'll be working in the city.'

She glanced at her watch. Ten minutes left. ‘How long have you been back in Sydney?'