Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (4 page)

• Doctor’s visits.
  There are a lot of these, but try to think of them as time you’re taking together to check on Junior’s health, and to stay informed about what’s going on. See Chapter 3 for more about this.
  
• Ultrasound.
  This is a major bonding moment for a lot of people. You will confirm that all the fingers and toes are there, and learn the sex of your child, if you desire. If you really want some fun, check around the area to see if 3-D ultrasound is available. Reports are that the details are stunning — you can see exactly what your child is doing in there and what he looks like.
  
• Discussing Junior’s future.
  So it seems farfetched to talk about where your baby may attend college, but a nice discussion of your child’s future is allowed to drift into what might be referred to as “slightly optimistic” territory. Dream a little dream together, and let it bring you closer together emotionally. If it does the same physically, so much the better.
  

• Conception isn’t always as easy as those after-school specials made it out to be.
  
• Be ready to purchase a 12-pack of pregnancy tests.
  
• She’ll want to make sure, and then check it several more times. Go ahead and be excited!
  
• You will both be full of hope — and fear. Now is the time to man up and talk about this with you partner.
  
• Don’t worry; you can’t see it now, but you’re going to love being a dad.
  
• Traditionally, you do not spread the news about the pregnancy until around week 12. But the two of you should discuss just exactly how you want to do it.
  
• There is a lot of information concerning the challenges women face during pregnancy, but men, we have our own things going on.
  
• Trying to bond with your unborn child will seem strange at first, especially because you can’t see her, but why not try?
  

Your BMP is having to go through a lot of changes. Her hard-won figure will soon be transformed. Her mobility will decrease. She may experience constant nausea. She’s suffering all of this in the name of having a baby with you. So your best possible move is to attempt to make her pregnancy easier by any means. Find out things she has to deal with in her everyday life that you can take off her hands, even if it means a little extra effort on your part. Be considerate of things she can no longer do all the time. If she’s having troubles with morning sickness, keep crackers and ginger ale in all parts of the house. Finally, let her know you love her. Plan a good old-fashioned date night, complete with flowers and some well-thought-out plans. It might be a fun time to relive some of those old memories.

I hate to stereotype, but it requires so much less thought. So if the following description doesn’t jibe with your experience, I apologize in advance. The implantation of the egg into her uterus causes the production of hCG (or beta hCG), the pregnancy hormone. This causes production of estrogen and progesterone. These hormones are quite necessary for the development of the baby, but like steroids and unprotected sex, they have side effects. As production of the hormones continues, the levels in her body begin to increase. During weeks 5, 6, and 7, pregnancy hormones start making your BMP crazy. Like DEFCON 1 crazy. Typical symptoms include nausea, fatigue, and tender nipples, plus urinating more than your grandfather.

The funny thing is,
your
hormone levels are changing as well. According to recent research, your levels of cortisol, the fight-or-flight hormone, surge and spike about six weeks after you get the news about the pregnancy. Also, about three weeks before birth, your level of testosterone reduces by nearly one-third. So the baby is changing your woman and making you want to run away crying at the same time. If another guy challenged your manhood, you would be more likely to engage him in a slap fight or maybe a runway duel, à la
Zoolander
. It’s no wonder new parents don’t feel like themselves, because of all those changes in their lives and their bodies. Strap yourself in and get ready for the only thing you know for sure: changes are coming your way.

You versus the hormones is like Spinks versus Tyson, Joe versus the Volcano, and Tiger versus monogamy. You have no chance. The pregnancy hormones are just too strong. They make her emotions change, and they make her body change. Lots of regular foods she used to enjoy might make her react as if you just cut loose some mighty Taco Bell — driven wind. Her moods may become as unpredictable as a roulette wheel, and you’ll have similar odds at predicting them. Fatigue becomes a major issue for her, and her bedtime and dinnertime may start to coincide with one another. But on a positive note, her all-day sickness (we’re starting a campaign to rename “morning sickness”) may show some signs of slowing down, although for many women it rages on into the second trimester before subsiding. Constipation and flatulence, gifts from your unborn angel, may become significant at these times. Just pretend you’re back in freshman year of college with a roommate who has rapidly gained weight, farts all the time, and sleeps a lot. But there is one important difference. The extra bra size she has gained has you thinking this pregnancy may have some benefits after all.

Before you cook up your extra-onion cheesesteaks for dinner, you should know that morning sickness can be a 24-hour event, so she may puke on your briefcase just from the smell. Over half of all pregnant women go through morning sickness, which usually takes on the form of nausea and vomiting. Symptoms begin in the ballpark of week 6, and mercifully, they seem to end somewhere around week 12. A very select group of lucky women feel like crap all the way until delivery. But you don’t have to worry, because you feel fine, right? Um, no! Of course you’re concerned about your BMP, though there’s usually nothing to worry about. Increased hormones in her body cause this cureless ailment, and as the hormones settle down, so will the morning sickness.

About one in every 250 women suffers from extreme morning sickness, called hyperemesis gravidarum, which often requires hospitalization. It is an extreme form of morning sickness in which the nausea is severe, and a pregnant woman’s inability to keep food and liquids down begins to actually cause weight loss. Signs will also include those of dehydration — severe thirst and dry cracked lips — as her body craves sustenance.

So what can you, the man guilty of
two
major offenses — you got her pregnant, and you feel fine — do to help improve the situation? Here are some of the basics:

1. Eat smaller, more frequent meals with her. Do more of the meal planning.
   
2. Avoid meals with strong smells (Chinese, anyone?)and very spicy dishes.
   
3. Keep lemons and ginger around. Smelling lemon can help reduce nausea, and eating ginger does the same. (Try crystallized ginger or ginger candy.) Keep salty chips or crackers around; they may dull the symptoms enough to allow her to eat a meal.
   
4. Make sure she has crackers and ginger ale near her bed at all times. Get her something to keep them in. Yes, you are being domesticated.
   
5. Stock the kitchen with all kinds of soothing bland foods like chicken noodle soup and potatoes.
   
6. Even though it will be the last thing she wants to do, encourage her to exercise. Walking is always good, and many doctors actually think swimming is the best because there is no impact on the joints.
   
7. Remind her not to lie down after eating. It can worsen the symptoms.
   
8. Encourage her not to skip meals, even when she feels lousy. Having a completely empty stomach can bring on the nausea. Skipping meals will usually make her feel even worse.
   
9. Don’t start a surprise tickle fight. It could be bad for your long-term health when your BMP either beats you to a pulp or “accidentally” vomits on you.
   
10. Don’t let your partner enter a hot-dog-eating contest — or do anything resembling gorging if the nausea subsides for a little while.
    

Depending on how serious and frequent her morning sickness is, she may not be able to cook very often, so it’s time to step outside your cooking comfort zone and find something else besides pizza and microwave food to prepare. You should be able to come up with a few specialties that you can prepare acceptably well. Do I expect you to make “preggie pops” in an assortment of pastel colors? No. I think that’s going too far. But see what you can do to make her life easier.

At the beginning, you were just so glad to be pregnant. As your little science project grew, your BMP began to wear down, up to the point where if she was eating at all, she was elbowing seniors out of the way at their favorite Early Bird Special spot so she could get to bed by 6
P.M.

In other words, your woman will be exhausted most days, especially if she’s maintained gainful employment. At this point, it’s time for you to start to pitch in. By pitching in, I mean doing more than telling her the buzzer on the dryer went off, or mentioning that the place looks so good you’ve decided to have poker night at your house.

Men in general show support and affection by providing financially for their families. These men may attempt to help by bringing in cleaning services to knock out those things called chores. But women don’t always take kindly to having strangers invade their home. Besides, many times you have these invasive (and expensive) strangers come in to clean, only to find they have done everything wrong in the eyes of your significant other. The best, but most unattractive, solution may be to show support with your actions, even if this includes scrubbing toilets and doing the laundry.

If you can pull off these chores with a smile, just know you will be in select company. (Remember Alice on
The Brady Bunch?
Cook, clean, do laundry? Just be careful not to enter Greg’s room without knocking first. He’s a teenage boy, after all.)

Of all the changes Junior will bring to your schedule, social life, financial life, and sex life, it’s the physical changes to your BMP that are starting to be most obvious now. Quite a few changes are going on, both inside and out. Let’s take a moment to consider some of them. Yes, Sparky, I know: breast enlargement is one of them.

1. Belly. Somewhere around week 12, the baby begins to pooch out. Between months 2 and 3, her uterus will have grown to her belly button. By the end of the whole shooting match, that little miracle will have stretched things out up toward her rib cage.
   
2. Breasts. I will attempt to keep this section purely as it pertains to the gestation of your future child. Her breasts are preparing to produce milk for the baby. Estrogen, among other hormones, is working to increase the glands that produce this nutritious liquid. During pregnancy, these changes can often lead to breast enlargement (see, I’m biting my tongue). Her breasts may feel slightly firm, and are often tender (. . . trying to hold back). Your partner may need a bigger bra as this growth progresses. Oh, for God’s sake, let the puppies breathe!
   
3. Heart. Okay, I’m back. Sorry for that unnecessary outburst. Because of the future child taking up residence in Hotel Uterus, your BMP’s blood supply will increase by one-third to one-half by the end of her pregnancy. In turn, her heart has to work harder to move this blood around. Her heartbeat can change from a usual resting rate of about 70 beats per minute to a resting pace of between 80 to 90 beats per minute. Keep this in mind when you’re out for your daily twenty-miler with your BMP. She may not be able to keep up with her usual pace.
   
4. Gastrointestinal system. Those good old hormones are at it again. Some of the same hormones that are vital to maintaining a healthy pregnancy can also cause nausea and vomiting, along with other GI problems. If the breast enlargement section got you all hot and bothered, here’s the antidote: belching, constipation, and increased flatulence are common during pregnancy. How’s that for a cold shower?
   
5. Skin. The ever-present hormones can cause her skin to show brown patches as additional melanin is produced. There are even special rashes only pregnant women experience.
   
6. Joints and muscles. Your BMP’s joints and muscles even change, to allow for the increased size of her uterus. Joints and ligaments loosen and stretch, and while this is a wonderful thing for a growing baby who wishes to expand his home, it usually presents itself in the form of backaches for Mom and puts her at greater risk for tears and sprains.
   

So love her body, whatever the shape or size. Encourage her. Touch her with familiarity, whether it’s with a gentle neck rub or holding her hand at the mall. The bottom line is that you want to communicate to her your feelings for her haven’t changed or wavered no matter what her shape is at the moment. All you can hope for is that she’ll return the favor as you slowly lose your figure, hair, and all sense of style.