Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (13 page)
Read Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! Online
Authors: John Pfeiffer
Tags: #HEALTH & FITNESS / Pregnancy & Childbirth, #HUMOR / Topic / Marriage & Family, #FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / Fatherhood
What’s Junior up to? Your new baby’s all-over fur is falling off, and regular hair is beginning to really grow, including eyelashes. The natural coloring is beginning to fill in. Your baby’s lungs are starting to become all grown up, and although I do not recommend trying it out for fun, he can breathe air if necessary. Your baby is able to open and close his eyes. Regardless of race, creed, color, or religion, his eyes tend to be dark gray. The real eye color doesn’t fully show until after the birth.
Some babies begin to suck their thumb at this point and can cry in the womb, which is amazing, as it seems akin to crying underwater. Junior can even be scared by a loud noise, which is also pretty amazing.
Also, the little person drinks amniotic fluid and pees in the womb. While slightly weird, it’s totally natural — and it may even help prepare your child for swimming in public pools when they get a little older than, well, zero. It’s no coincidence that your child is developing immunities to mild infection through Mommy’s antibodies, which cross the placenta.
Because your child is growing so rapidly, the womb is beginning to feel like a studio apartment in Manhattan. The baby’s movements may press against your BMP’s internal organs, causing many bathroom trips if it’s the bladder the baby is pressing against, and pain if it’s a rib.
As your baby’s knees get tucked up close, you can probably figure out where the term “fetal position” originated. But of course, as all children of the 1980s and fans of classic Patrick Swayze movies can attest to, nobody puts Baby in the corner. At least not for long. Your baby is getting ready for delivery and may “drop” — that is, sink down into your BMP’s pelvis to get into launch position. Some doctors will start giving weekly exams at this point, checking to see whether the cervix is moving forward, whether it has begun to efface (stretch out), and whether it’s starting to dilate. If in addition to this, he asks your BMP if she’s happy with her relationship with you, well, that’s a different story entirely.
Somewhere around this time, the phenomenon known as the “parental freak-out” occurs. Sometimes this “what the hell were we thinking?” moment is brought on by the more visible signs of pregnancy, such as the growing belly of your BMP. It can be stressful for everyone. It’s a feeling so strong, you’ll want to press the Panic button on your car key to see if someone will come to help you. That loud sound that won’t go away is you panicking about becoming a parent. Common thoughts include:
- “How will we pay for her education?”
- “I’m not ready for this!”
- “All of my cash is going to be spent on diapers and baby chew toys.”
What you’re really asking yourself is, “Will I be a good parent?” and also, “Will I lose my sanity?”
Unfortunately, the magic formula for parenting was lost long ago. Little known to you, your BMP will probably be having these thoughts as well; she’s just handling it better. Exhaustive study of stories told by fathers around poker tables, bar rooms, big-screen TVs, and outdoor grills has shown that women seem to be naturally programmed to handle this whole thing with a little more grace and confidence than you.
Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later . . . that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.
—Tom Wolfe, The Bonfire of the Vanities
The best thing to do is talk to your BMP about the game plan. You may have different ideas on what’s important, and it’s best to figure these things out ahead of time. Even if you lose every coin flip on issues you disagree about, at least you’ll know what’s headed your way. So take a deep breath, relax, and go watch an episode of
Cops
. It will make you feel better about yourself and your prospects as a parent.
Before there’s any chance of delivery, it’s important for you and your BMP to pack a bag to take with you to the hospital. You will need a few items besides a change of clothes and a toothbrush. Let’s get some insight into what a well-prepared hospital bag might be holding:
- The birthing plan.
This document contains all the decisions you made back when you were calm, cool, and collected. You gathered all of the information, considered the options, and decided what you want. So when all hell breaks loose, you’ll be ready for anything. - Let me entertain you.
You need to bring stuff to do. If the hospital room doesn’t have a CD player and a DVD player, make sure your iPod makes the trip, and consider bringing along a portable DVD player. Books and magazines can keep you occupied. Photo albums may be a nice way to reminisce. A laptop is a must in today’s world, and don’t forget your Blackberry if you’re a workaholic. Just don’t get caught Tweeting during the birth. I can see it now: “@johnpfeiffer — Dude! Just cut the cord!!!” - You’re getting sleepy.
Dads usually get sleeping accommodations roughly equivalent to a sleeping bag shoved into a corner of the tent, so prepare accordingly. If there’s anything you can bring to help yourself sleep comfortably, make sure it’s in the car. Some dads I know have gotten away with only sleeping at the hospital for one night, but 75 percent of those men are now single. - Hi Gene!
Toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant. Also, don’t forget your common over-the-counter ibuprofen and other common medications. These items don’t come with your deluxe accommodations, and like any good hotel, they charge triple in the gift shop. - Femme fatale.
Remind your BMP to pack any items that you’re embarrassed to buy at the local grocery store. She’ll know what she needs. - Baby items.
Important! Pack the car seat and a new outfit for Junior. Ah, and your first pack of diapers. - Don’t forget camera and camcorder.
You and your BMP may want to record portions of the big event. Other portions had best remain private. - Contact information for relatives, parents, and in-laws.
You want some of these people at the hospital. You really don’t want them in the room during the action, because let’s face it, you don’t invite them into every aspect of your personal life. You can have them in early, when nothing is really happening, and make it clear that when you give the signal, they’re expected to clear out. Then when everyone has their act together, you can bring them back in, and as a special privilege, one of your lucky family members can be sent out to get you and BMP a decent meal. Who says in-laws are useless?
During this exploration of pregnancy from the male perspective, I’ve often mentioned the advice that’s out there.
Plenty of websites for pregnant women give advice to dads. Why are these lists always written by women for men? We don’t attempt to write “Dealing with Women’s Issues” articles. This is probably because we couldn’t handle it. So here are some common tips, and my reaction to them:
Babies aren’t that fragile, so don’t be afraid of yours. Ask your partner, a nurse, or your own mom how to hold the baby if you’re concerned.
This one is on target. We’re not really known for our gentle holding of anything, except, possibly, for breasts. Plus, as single men, we’ve always left the room in any situation where it appeared we might be required to hold an infant and symbolically ran away from settling down. We have no experience.
If your BMP and the new baby are bonding like crazy, and you’re wondering, “What am I, chopped liver?” talk about it.
This is one where the Men’s Union just needs to get the word out to women. During pregnancy, we often feel left out. But I don’t really see a sweeping challenge to the male ego if we approach our partners and say, “Gee, honey, I’m feeling a little left out.” So this tip is on target.
Those hormones don’t stop after birth, so your partner will have ups and downs after the baby is born. Be supportive and listen to her concerns. Educate yourself about postpartum depression and seek help if needed.
I agree. I’d add another point: these things may also happen to Dad, but it’s not always as visible because our bodies don’t change during the pregnancy. We can get postpartum depression, too, but it may be harder to see. The assumption is that if men don’t discuss their feelings, everything must be fine. That’s not always true. So keep a close eye on yourself, and on your BMP, and if you notice emotional changes, speak up, or get yourself some help.
Express your pride in her breastfeeding efforts, and help her deflect negative comments about it. Take a breastfeeding class with her.
Who are these people giving negative commentary about breastfeeding? We know it’s healthier for the child. As for the breastfeeding class, if the video is anything like birthing class, there is no way. It seems like a slight stretch to ask a guy to say, “I am so proud of you, honey!” when he sees his BMP breastfeeding the newborn. I just don’t think many men are going there. I’m also not sure what we’re being proud of. Maybe wait until she’s putting on a dazzling parenting display that you could never pull off. This will happen. Then let her know she’s a good mother. This just seems more genuine than complimenting her lactation technique.
You can do everything but breastfeed. Remember to help around the house. Don’t let your partner worry about the housekeeping. Take on more chores so she can get extra sleep and recover.
This one gets tricky. Everyone is taking on a lot of extra responsibility. My best advice is to prepare yourself emotionally, as if the pilot had just announced, “We’re headed for some turbulence.” This is a tough time for everyone, and both parents need to pitch in and give it their best. A friend of mine makes sure to tell new dads: “Hey, the big secret is the first year sucks.” It’s not true for everyone, but it happens. Also, these articles are often written by women for men. Something smells fishy here. It seems like there may be a conflict of interest. It’s a little bit like me starting a lingerie advocacy group. A sure recipe for disaster is for either parent to feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick. Discuss your feelings and expectations, and get to know hers.
Ask for help. Know who can give it.
Definitely. Having the phone numbers of doctor and babysitter in a predetermined place is a must. I’m not sure lactation consultants are as critical.
Pick and choose. Much of the advice is very sound and should be followed. On the battlefield of information, you need all that you can get. But despite all of this, make sure you get a few tips from a father you know who will shoot you straight. Getting all of your relationship advice from women feels a little like getting your wife a male doula. He might have all the proper information, but how could he really know what it’s like? You could do it, but you probably wouldn’t.
This is a buzz kill. It can happen any time from week 20 on. Any labor before a woman completes 37 weeks of pregnancy is still considered preterm. If your BMP actually gives birth prematurely, the seriousness of any complications is correlated with how early the baby arrives. The earlier it is, the more serious. Symptoms of preterm labor include:
- More than five cramps or contractions in an hour
- Pain during urination
- Backaches
- Bright red blood from the vagina
- A clear watery gush from the baby house
These are the most common, although there are others. Always know whom to call in these situations, and have your physician’s contact numbers programmed into cell phones, posted on the fridge, or tattooed on your shoulder.
Your doctor may prescribe certain medications if pre-term labor is a possibility for the mother-to-be. Outside of medication, staying hydrated is one of the better methods to prevent preterm labor. Dehydration can cause lower blood volume, which in turn increases the oxytocin levels in the blood. Oxytocin is the hormone that causes contractions, which can cause preterm labor.
About one in five pregnant women get put on bed rest as a preventive measure. Basically, bed rest means spending pretty much every day in bed, all day. This may be for the last week or so of pregnancy, or it may be for a month or more. Generally it’s prescribed for child-and-BMP teams who are at risk for preterm labor, when the child is not yet fully developed. It’s also commonly prescribed for those who are carrying twins.
Just know that there are different flavors of bed rest. Sometimes doctors will instruct their patient to only observe partial bed rest, while other times it’s so strict that a bed pan becomes necessary. The surprising twist here is that although it’s still commonly used, bed rest may not help women who are prescribed it, according to some studies. So this is really going to be a doctor-by-doctor decision. Read up on the subject, always discuss with your BMP, and see what your doctor has to say.
The surprising twist here is that although it’s still commonly used, bed rest may not help women who are prescribed it, according to some studies. So this is really going to be a doctor-by-doctor decision. Read up on the subject, always discuss with your BMP, and see what your doctor has to say.
Although it sounds like a vacation and an opportunity to create a “Top 100 Movies of All Time” list, some women think of bed rest as bed
arrest
. To most of us working stiffs, what we hear through our burnt-out ears is that the doctor is giving your woman an excuse to live out your dream. She has been
ordered
by the doctor to lie back, relax, and catch up on that
Mad Men
marathon you’ve both been meaning to tackle. It would not only be irresponsible for you to ignore the doctor’s advice, it would be downright
unsafe
.
