Dreams Adrift (A River Dream Novel) (15 page)

Fighting to hold back my own tears, I reached
out and put my hand on her shoulder. “Rita, thank you, I’d like
that. I think Maeve would have liked that. But let it be a gift.
You don’t have to buy Raven. Knowing you’ll be caring for her is
enough for me.”

Now her tears began to flow freely. “I don’t
know what to say, Mike. Thank you.”

We stood there for several moments in shared
grief. Finally I pulled myself together and pushed on to the other
topic that needed to be addressed.

“
Now, about Maeve’s car. I’ll have
someone come by and pick it up this week. I’m probably going to
give it to the Community College. They can sell it or auction it
off for their Foundation.”

“
That would be a nice gesture,
Mike,” Rita said.

“
Yeah, well, I don't think I could
ever drive it,” I thought out loud. I could feel myself starting to
tear up again. “God, I miss her so much. I look at that car and
expect the door to open and Maeve to jump out and say, ‘Hi, honey,
what are you doing here?’”

Rita put her hand gently on my back. “I know
how you feel, Mike. It was like that for me when I lost my Ray. I
kept looking up when someone walked into the barn, thinking it
would be him. Sometimes when I’m really lost in what I’m doing it
will still happen.”

I’d almost forgotten that Rita had lost Ray to
prostate cancer the year before, leaving her to raise their
daughter while trying to keep up the stable. The stubborn cuss
wouldn’t go to the doctor until it was too late for them to do
anything for him. After that happened, Maeve insisted I go and get
checked.

“
When does the pain stop, Rita?” I
asked.

Rita sighed a mournful sigh. “It doesn’t hurt
as much as it did,” she said sadly. “I suspect it will hurt a
little less as time goes by.”

“
How did you make it through those
first days?” I was desperate to know.

“
I knew that Ray would expect me
to be strong, to go on with my work, to be strong for our daughter,
Jacqueline.”

Swallowing hard, determined not to let the
tears start again, I told her, “I’ve got no one to be strong
for.”

“
You’ve got to be strong, Mike, to
honor Maeve’s memory. She wouldn’t want you to up and quit,” Rita
said, almost scolded.

I realized she was right. Maeve would not put
up with me wallowing in self-pity. I took a deep breath. There were
things I needed to do.

“
Thank you, Rita. You’re right.
You’ll see to Raven then, that she’ll be taken care of?”

“
You know I will, Mike. Jacqueline
will take good care of her,” Rita promised. Then, in an
uncharacteristic gesture, she hugged me. It was an awkward hug,
almost as if she weren't used to doing it, but I appreciated the
sentiment behind it.

“
Okay then. I’d better be going.
I’ll have someone see to the car,” I told her as she pulled
away.

On the way home I thought a lot about what to
do about Maeve’s car. And the more I thought about it, the more I
thought I might not get rid of it, at least not right away. When I
got home, I called Mr. Cooper at Camp.

“
Hello, Michael,” Mr. Cooper said
when he answered his phone. “How are you, son?”

“
I’m making it through a minute at
a time, Mr. Cooper,” I replied.

“
Well, Mike, you know if there’s
anything I can do to help, all you have to do is ask.”

“
Yes, sir. Thank you. There is
something I wanted to ask,” I told him. “Is there anyone over at
camp who could give me a ride out to R&R Stables? I need to
pick up…pick up Maeve’s car.”

“
Certainly, Mike,” Mr. Cooper
said. “Larry’s leaving for Oriental shortly. I’ll ask him to stop
by your place on his way.”

Larry Jackson was the program director at Camp
Riversail. I’d known him since he’d first come to Riversail as a
kid.

“
Thank you, Mr. Cooper,” I said.
“Tell Larry thanks for me, too, please.”

“
I will, Mike. Is there anything
else I can do?” He asked.

“
No, sir. Not right now,” I
assured him. “I just need the ride.”

“
All right, then,” Mr. Cooper
said. “Remember though, if you need anything, you call. You
hear?”

“
I will sir. Thank you,
again.”

A short time later Larry pulled into the
driveway at River Dream in a nicely restored 1957 Chevy Bel
Air.

“
Thanks for the lift, Larry,” I
said as I climbed in.

Larry smiled and said, “No problem, Mike. All
of us at camp were real sorry to hear about Maeve. We’re going to
miss her.”

“
Thanks, Larry,” I replied.
Nothing more was said as we drove to the stable. Larry turned on
the radio to the oldies station - what else in a ’57 Chevy? I
thanked him again when he dropped me at the stable.

“
Mike,” Rita said, sounding
surprised, “I didn’t think I’d see you back this soon.”

“
I changed my mind about Maeve’s
car. I’m going to hang on to it for a while, I think.”

I went over to the car and hesitated a moment
before opening the door. Climbing in, I was surrounded by the scent
of Maeve’s perfume and leather seats. Expecting it to hit me hard,
in some odd way it was actually comforting.

I slid the seat back before starting the car
and rolling the windows down. Backing out of the parking space, I
could almost hear Maeve telling me to be careful with her car. I
smiled a sad smile and pulled out onto the highway.

I took it easy at first to get the feel for
the way it would handle. I hadn’t driven the Porsche much.
Eventually I started to put it through its paces. Before I knew it
I was at the drawbridge across the Neuse and headed into New Bern.
I took Neuse Boulevard up to Glen Bernie then hooked a left, a
quick right, and got onto Highway 70.

Once on the highway, I really let the car have
its way. It handled like a dream. Traffic was light, and there were
no patrolmen in site as I put mile after mile behind me.

Next thing I knew, I was on the outskirts of
Kinston and the low gas warning was showing. I pulled into the
station at Wyse Fork for a fill-up and then took the back road
cross country to pick up Highway 17 north of
Pollocksville.

The Porsche took those twists and turns like
it was meant for that kind of road. At the junction with Highway 17
I turned left towards New Bern. When I passed the little white
church in Rhems I slowed, turned left onto Tuscarora Road, and
drove to Grandma Lillian’s house.

“
Well, well, Michael, what are you
doing here?” a surprised Grandma Lillian asked as she answered her
door and saw me standing there.

“
I was just in the neighborhood,
so thought I’d drop in,” I said, knowing that she knew
better.

Grandma nodded and gestured for me to come
inside. “And you happened by just in time for dinner.” Noticing the
Porsche, she asked, “Isn’t that Maeve’s car?”

I turned around to look back at the Porsche.
“Yes, it is. I picked it up from the stable and just started
driving.”

“
You started driving and wound up
here?” Grandma asked with a raised eyebrow.

“
It was on the way back from where
I wound up, more or less,” I replied, trying to smile.

“
I see. Well, come in and I’ll get
you some supper. After all these years, I still cook too much for
one,” Grandma said.

We went into her house. I took a seat at her
dining room table while she made up plates for the two of us. I
tried to help. She shooed me out of the kitchen. We didn’t say much
as we ate, but after the dishes were cleared Grandma refilled our
iced teas and we talked.

“
Michael, how are you doing,
really?” she asked.

Looking down into my glass, I confessed. “I
feel like someone tore out my heart and soul and the pain is never
going to stop.”

“
That’s about how I felt when your
Grandpa Bill died,” Grandma shared as she reached over and put her
hand on mine.

“
How long was it before you
stopped missing him?”

Grandma sat up and looked squarely at me. In a
soft tone I’d rarely heard her use, she said, “What makes you think
I’ve ever stopped? Michael, I miss him every day. I loved him very
much. But I learned to go on without him, just like you will learn
to go on without Maeve, as hard as that may be to imagine now. But
you will always miss her. I can’t tell you that you
won’t.”

I rubbed my hand over my head and tried to
absorb her words. “Did you ever love anyone after Grandpa
died?”

A sad smile touched Grandma's face. “No,
Michael, your Grandpa and I had the privilege of growing old
together. I had no interest in finding another man to
love.”

A hint of anger rose in my mind. “Maeve and I
didn’t get to grow old together. Now, without her, I don’t know
that I want to grow old. Part of me wishes I could die right now
and be with her again.”

“
It doesn’t work that way,
Michael,” Grandma said sharply.

Realizing how my outburst must have sounded, I
tempered my emotions. “I know. Grandma, I don’t mean I’d do
anything rash or foolish, I just want to hold her
again.”

Tears started falling from my eyes.

“
Michael, I know you do. I know
how much you’re hurting right now. I wish I could make it stop for
you.”

“
With her last words, Maeve made
me promise her something,” I told Grandma Lillian
hesitantly.

Leaning toward me, Grandma asked, “What did
she make you promise, Michael?”

It was hard to say the words. “She made me
promise her that I would love again.”

I looked imploringly at my grandmother. “I
don’t know if I can keep that promise.”

“
Michael, the pain of your loss is
still too fresh. Time really will heal your wounds. Maeve made you
promise that because she loved you so much she didn’t want you
spending the rest of your life without love. I know you don’t want
to think about it now, but the time will come when you’re ready,
and you will remember what she made you promise.”

I didn’t say anything for a long time while I
thought about what Grandma Lillian said. Finally I dried my tears,
blew my nose, and rose to my feet.

“
Thanks, Grandma, not just for
dinner, thanks for everything.”

Grandma Lillian rose and walked with me to the
door. “You are welcome anytime, Michael, anytime, you
hear.”

“
Yes, ma’am. I love you, Grandma.”
I hugged her gently.

“
I love you, too, Michael. You be
careful driving home,” Grandma cautioned.

When I got home that night, I parked the
Porsche in the garage and walked out onto the dock, hit my knees,
and prayed. I prayed that God was taking good care of Maeve. I
asked him to tell her that I loved her and that I always would no
matter what. And I prayed that when the time came I would be able
to keep my promise.

I prayed for the strength to make it through
tomorrow and the day after. I prayed that the pain would end. I
prayed that Maeve and I would be together again someday.

Then I rose to my feet, walked into the house,
got ready for bed, and prayed for sleep.

Twenty-three

Grandma Lillian evidently called my folks to
tell them about my visit because my father called on Wednesday to
see how I was doing. He mentioned they’d heard I’d picked up
Maeve’s Porsche.

“
Your mom wanted me to let you
know we’re planning on coming up and helping you around the house
this weekend,” my dad said.

“
Help me do what, exactly?” I
asked.

I could picture my father shrugging his
shoulders and looking at my mother. “Oh, you know, help you with
things.”

“
Then you’d better bring sleeping
bags,” I told him. “Rhiannon is coming down to help me sail the
boats to Oriental. I already promised her the front
bedroom.”

My father didn’t answer right away. I could
tell he’d covered the mouth piece because I could hear his muffled
voice telling my mom what I’d said.

The next voice on the phone was my mother’s.
She wasn’t exactly happy with the idea.

“
Michael, do you think that is a
good idea, Rhiannon coming there right now?”

“
I don’t know if it’s a good idea
or not, but I’m not calling her back and telling her not to come. I
know we were out of touch for a while, but she is my oldest
friend.”

“
She is also an old girlfriend,
Michael,” my mother reminded me, the disapproval clear in her
voice.

“
Mom, that’s long in the past. We
don’t have those feelings for each other anymore,” I insisted, glad
that she couldn't see me roll my eyes.

“
Well, all right,” she conceded
reluctantly. “But we are still coming up. Malori and I will stay at
the Marina in Oriental.”