Dream New Dreams (28 page)

Looking at the pieces of my old dream, I’ve tried to figure out how to salvage what I can to build a new vision. After much soul-searching and many deep breaths, I’ve taken stock of the positive opportunities in my life and begun to take small steps on the road to finding an appropriate direction for myself as well as my family. Those steps include nurturing my children, developing a network of friends, and opening up my heart again in the search for love. Recently, I’ve met a wonderful man, Rich Essenmacher, who accepts and loves me as well as Dylan, Logan, and Chloe. To be with someone whom I treasure and love is such a rare gift, one I can truly appreciate after the experiences I have had. After having to be strong for so long, I didn’t realize how tiring the burden had become. Not until Rich took some of the load from my shoulders did I feel a sense of relief. Day by day, I learn to lean on him more, though I’ve had difficulty in allowing Rich to do things for me—simple things, like opening my car door. I didn’t think my heart could beat so strongly again, but it has, and I am so glad.

Moving forward with a new love has forced me to reexamine how I spend my time. I acknowledge the importance of helping others. I continue to offer support and be a resource for widows and widowers who have lost their spouses to some form of cancer.
I also write an online column,
Ask Jai
, on the National Comprehensive Cancer Network website, offering advice to caregivers going through the cancer experience. By doing so, I feel I’m repaying some of the debt I owe for all the support I received over the past several years.

I feel so much positive energy in continuing to help the pancreatic cancer community. In addition to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, I joined forces with the Lustgarten Foundation and the Translational Genomics Research Institute to further promote education and research for pancreatic cancer. I give talks at cancer conferences and community centers to bring awareness to the plight of the caregiver, who often goes without support. I didn’t seek out this role, but when the opportunity arose, I carefully evaluated it and decided that it was right for me. I would never have envisioned being a caregiver or a pancreatic cancer spokesperson. Though I want to continue to be a part of the cancer community, I know my energies and my time are limited. There is so much to be done.

I couldn’t have thought about these opportunities or roles when I was young because I hadn’t had these life experiences yet. You don’t ever know in childhood or upon high school or college graduation what the future holds for you, what your greatest challenges or achievements will be. When former President Jimmy Carter was asked if he knew what he was going to be when he was a child growing up in rural Georgia on his father’s peanut farm, he replied, “At that time, all I had as an ambition since I was five years old was to go to Annapolis and be a naval officer. I had a favorite uncle who was a sailor and he sent me mementos from the Philippines and Japan and China, so I wanted to be in the Navy. That was my only ambition, to be in the Navy.” Look what Mr. Carter went on to do after he achieved his childhood dream of joining the Navy: thirty-ninth
president of the United States and winner of the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize.

Childhood dreams, college dreams—they are just the beginning. They take you down a path that will bring many possibilities and directions from which to choose. The mistake we sometimes make is that we stop dreaming as we grow older, making it more difficult to cope with and recover from changes as they occur in life, when things don’t go according to plan. Even when you find fulfillment, don’t stop dreaming. Use that success to segue into the next phase of life.

As I write this, I have been a single parent for several years—several long, hard years, during which the children have grown both emotionally and physically. There have been many adjustments we’ve had to make individually and as a family. Happily, my children have shown resilience in their ability to accept our circumstances and to thrive.

The time we spend together as a family is invaluable, and I don’t want anything I do to impinge on it. The children have been very receptive to my fiancé, who showers them with time and attention. Rich has shown me that he loves children, that he’s willing to parent with me. It is all upside for my children, who remain my primary focus. Still, we are transitioning into a blended family, learning about each other and how to live together harmoniously. Patience, time, and love will make all the difference in creating the glue that will bond us together.

We maintain very close family relationships, sharing our thoughts and feelings. I’ve also tried to continue to instill the values that Randy and I cherished. Pitching in around the house is important, both for me as a single parent and for the children to learn about responsibility. They work together as a team, loading and unloading
the dishwasher, taking out the trash and recycling, helping to clean out the car, keeping their rooms and toys organized, and putting away their clothes. They’re proud of their work and taking an active role in the household. They know their efforts make a difference for me and for us. I couldn’t be prouder of the bond we’ve forged together.

I’m also amazed at each child’s individual growth. Our oldest son, Dylan, is now ten and a half years old and is a fourth grader. He’s making friends at school and progressing nicely in academics. He continues to remind me of his father in his way of speaking, his ability to grasp complex subjects, his natural ability to negotiate, and his empathy. Dylan surprises me in many ways, and I love watching him grow up. Often he catches me by surprise when he makes a statement that is wise beyond his years. When Dylan talks, I hear his father—the way his brain worked and processed the world around him.

At seven and a half, Logan’s laughter and love of life are as spirited as ever. With his impish smile and curly brown hair, he wins friends easily. More important, he has a kind heart and is loyal to his family and friends. Like his father, he loves computers and gadgets. When the children want to watch a DVD, play a computer game, or troubleshoot one of their electronic devices, they go see Logan, who tinkers around until he fixes the problem. He is also athletic and uses his considerable strength when he plays soccer or wrestles with his brother. What I love best about Logan is his willingness to show his love for you with a hug or by snuggling on the couch.

At six, Chloe has demonstrated an amazing attitude of independence and persistence. For six months when she was four, she asked to buzz-cut her hair to look like her brothers, even after I explained that she would look different from the other girls and might experience
some teasing. Still, my strong-willed daughter had made up her mind and knew what she wanted. After the locks were shorn off, Chloe looked beautiful, and she danced around happy and excited. Later on, she learned what peer pressure feels like and has since decided to grow her hair out. I’m so glad she had this experience in a loving and supportive environment. As I told her repeatedly, I would love her with or without hair, because it’s not what she looks like on the outside, but rather who she is on the inside. She is a joy to have in my life.

As much as I love my children, it pains me greatly when they are sad and missing their father. When Dylan, Logan, and Chloe express their sadness, I try to soothe them and hold them until the waves of grief pass. Making time for them and listening to them helps them feel comfortable in talking about their sorrow and not keeping it bottled up. While I can’t mend their broken hearts, I can let them know I’m here for them and that I love them. Sometimes that’s all you can do besides offering a hug.

I’ve also learned that children grieve differently than adults. My grief was greatest immediately after Randy’s death; those intense feelings have slowly subsided. Though also powerful after Randy’s passing, the children’s grief seems to recur at different times, flaring up and then quieting down again. A developmental milestone or being overly tired can trigger their feelings, causing tears to stream down their little faces. Each time, I hold them and tell them it will get better and they won’t always be this sad. I’m mindful that this process will continue throughout their young lives, as opposed to being over and done within a certain period. Having a good foundation for handling their sorrow will be an important asset as they grow up. In order to create that, I need to be on hand for them here, right now.

We are truly blessed in that I don’t have to go back to work and can stay home with my children. I am very aware that this is not the case for many people, who struggle financially when they lose a spouse. I recognize this opportunity is a gift that shouldn’t be squandered. As I think about what I want to do to develop my life, I keep in mind that their needs are first and foremost. That means I maintain a healthy balance between my children’s needs and my own. I continue to support pancreatic cancer education and research and to foster awareness about the needs of caregivers, but I carefully select my activities outside the home so as to minimize the impact on my time with my family. This is something completely new to me, since I have always been a stay-at-home mother and haven’t been in a situation of having to turn down requests. Learning to say no is a new life lesson but essential so as not to take on too many projects. I also limit my travel to once every two months to reduce my time away from my children. So far these strategies have worked well, and we have all reaped the rewards.

In pursuing my own path in life, I have met some incredible people and found myself in the most amazing situations. Although it has been exciting to meet famous people, the really meaningful moments have come from seeing the difference my efforts have made in other people’s lives. It is then that I can feel my energies are not in vain, that this is the right thing for me to be doing—at least for now. By remaining mindful of my mantra, “Dream new dreams,” I hope to continue to grow in directions that are meaningful to me, rather than become stagnant or in an unhappy routine. As life throws curveballs at me, I’ll be able to evaluate how these new challenges affect my current situation and then make changes accordingly. If my activities become too much for me or my family,
I retain the flexibility to do things differently, either by cutting back or by finding a different channel for my energies and goals.

Not all my aspirations are pinned on cancer and caregiver issues. One of my long-term dreams has been to travel more. The desire comes naturally to me because my father was a marine and we moved every three years to different cities across the country. When my life was at its lowest point over these past several years, I would get through the tough times by thinking about visiting some foreign country. I could envision myself stepping onto the plane, relaxing in my seat, and feeling the plane lift off the ground. In my mind’s eye, I created all sorts of adventures, from riding a camel and seeing the pyramids in Egypt to taking a bicycle tour of France’s wine country. After my trip to Italy with my best friend, Tina Carr, I understood that I should not put off doing something for myself now, not delay it until later in my life. I need to derive some enjoyment from each day, not wait until tomorrow. Too many things can happen between now and then. Too many what-ifs could throw a wrench in my deferred gratification plan. Already I’m looking forward to my vacation this year, and I’m dreaming of some lovely, exciting journeys for the near future.

Life is a precious gift, and I don’t intend to waste a day of it. Have I experienced tragedy? Yes, I have. But it would be another real tragedy if I didn’t recover from the sadness I have felt and thus missed the many happy moments along the way. Was my dream crushed? Yes, it was. And that will happen again. But when it does, I will pick up those pieces and create something new. I will always dream new dreams.

The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

Pancreatic Cancer Action Network is the national organization creating hope in a comprehensive way through research, patient support, community outreach, an advocacy for a cure. The organization raises money for direct private funding of research—and advocates for more aggressive federal research funding of medical breakthroughs in prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of pancreatic cancer.

The Lustgarten Foundation

The Lustgarten Foundation is America’s largest private foundation dedicated solely to funding pancreatic cancer research. Because Cablevision Systems Corporation underwrites all of the Lustgarten Foundation’s administrative costs, 100 percent of every dollar donated to the foundation goes directly to pancreatic cancer research.

Dr. Daniel Von Hoff and his team

The Translational Genomics Research Institute

TGen’s mission is to rapidly develop new treatments and better diagnostics for pancreatic cancer and other deadly diseases.

The Seena Magowitz Foundation: The Face and Voice for Pancreatic Cancer

I would like to thank Dylan, Logan, and Chloe for their love which has inspired me to be the best person and mom I could be. You amaze me every day.