Draw Me In (28 page)

“No! I mean, don’t worry about it. I know you’re slammed over there.”

The wall was beginning to slant before my eyes. I blinked, and it returned to normal. My eyes were drying out from the blank stare. “I don’t mind. Seriously, I really want to help you. I can be there tonight after the shop closes. Bring you dinner and—”

“It’s not anything you’d be able to help with, Neill. Listen, I have to go.”

“O . . . kay,” I said, but she’d already hung up the phone. I stared at the dead receiver for a minute, waiting for the pain to descend. The crushing grip around my heart, the way it had always done with Gretchen. When she didn’t come home, didn’t let me in. But it didn’t happen. Only an odd sense of numbness flowed through my limbs, trapping me in one position until the phone loudly signaled the line was dead.

I let it fall to the cradle. Standing slowly, I moved across the shiny black floor, heading for the sanctuary of my small studio.

“Hey, boss, is Hailey here yet? I had a question about—”

I waved Frankie off. “She’s not coming today. Got a bunch of stuff to do.”

Karl, who’d entered the back door a moment before, looked from me to Frankie and back. I didn’t stop, just headed into my studio and looked down at my hand.

The blue plastic cup was there, its plastic crushed and mangled. The magnolia blossom was there, just a bit worse for the contortion of my fist around the stem.

With a curse, I flung the stupid gesture against the wall. Water splattered and the flower fell apart on impact, bruised white petals littering my work tray.

Karl had been right. It was happening again. Hailey, Gretchen, they’d both pushed me away. Refused my help. It was something simple now, but it never stayed that way. Eventually it’d be everything.

Goddammit.

It was all happening all over again, and it was too late. I loved her. I’d let her into the one place that I’d sworn never to let anyone again.

My heart.

Chapter Twenty-four

Hailey

Sunbeams danced along the edge of the faded plaid blanket, spread underneath the largest oak on the quad. I swatted at a fly that had landed on my bare knee, almost dropping my textbook. I grabbed the thick orange book before it could slide off my lap, pinching my finger in the process.

“Dammit,” I said, sucking on it to ease the sting.

“What’s wrong?” Lily looked up from her own notes, which were spread out in front of her as she lay on her belly, her bare legs stretched out into the sun.

“Stupid bugs.” I glanced up at the waving leaves, my fingers itching for my pencils. “It’s too pretty out here to be studying.”

“You were the one that insisted we study. I just insisted we do it somewhere that I could work on my tan.” Lily wiggled her legs in the sunshine.

Pulling the elastic band off my wrist, I gripped it in my teeth as I wrangled my hair into a ponytail. “Thish ishn’t my deshishion.”

“What?” Lily rose up, bowing her back in imitation of a yoga position. “God, that feels good.”

“I shaid,” I replied, yanking the band from my mouth and wrapping it around the mass of hair at the back of my head, “this isn’t my decision. I’m not the one that decided exams should exist. I’m a victim, same as you.”

Lily’s nose wrinkled as she grabbed a sheet of paper before the playful breeze could yank it away. “Yeah, guess so. And I do need to study this stuff. Seems like it’s getting harder.”

I turned the page in my calculus textbook and nodded. “Yup. Harder every single day.” I glanced at my watch. “Another half hour or so, and then I’ve got to get to class. Are you done for the day?”

Lily rolled to her back, using a handful of pages to shield her face from a sunbeam. “Yeah. I’ll probably stay out here. Courtney should be out after her journalism class is done.”

“Okay. I’ll come back after mine, then.”

I turned my attention back to the book, but it was hard to keep my brain on task. Too much shit was tumbling through my head. That text the other night had freaked me out. I’d been ready to call campus security again when Jackie had grabbed my phone and started texting the number back.

“I’m sure it’s just Walt fucking around with you,” she’d said with a snort, tossing my phone onto my bed.

“Prank-calling me at work, too?”

“You know he’s got a warped sense of humor.”

I had made up my mind to kick Walt’s ass later, but I hadn’t seen him around. Then this morning I’d had a conversation with Dad. It hadn’t gone well.

“You’re working where? No. You can’t. Hailey Elizabeth Jakes, you’re coming home this weekend, and that’s final. What do you mean? No, your mother isn’t back. I can’t find her. She’s gotten a restraining order. Hailey, come home.”

None of his arguments had dented my resolve. I’d ace these exams and go back to the shop full-force, drawing and painting my way into a kickass tattooist position at some point in the future. At the thought of Sinful Skin, another thought wasn’t far behind.

Neill.

I stared out across the quad, the vibrant green grass spread out like a thick padded carpet. A couple lay not too far from our blanket, snuggling, kissing, and fooling around. It was hard not to be jealous of their carefree PDA. I couldn’t help but think I might have screwed up things between Neill and me. He’d been disappointed in me the other night, there was no denying that. But what could I do? There wasn’t enough time in my life to devote to exams and fun, too. I arched my back and looked at my watch again. Crap, I’d spent the last half hour daydreaming when I should have been analyzing these equations.

“I’ve got to go,” I said, shoving my textbook into my messenger bag.

Lily jumped, blinking wildly. “Huh?”

“You’d probably remember a lot more if you didn’t sleep instead of study.” I smiled as I yanked Lily’s ponytail playfully. “I’m heading to class.”

“Okay. Have fun!” Lily waved as I shouldered my bag and stood. I shoved my feet into my flip-flops and waved back.

“It’s calculus. I doubt that.” I walked across the emerald grass as long as I could, but to get to class, I had to cross some concrete. Glancing up at the clear blue sky, I sighed. Lily was right. It was much too pretty to be stuck studying or going to class. Neill would probably agree.

“Shit.” A piece of gravel skidded across the walk, propelled by my foot. “I have to focus.”

I wouldn’t think about him until later. I’d call him tonight. Fortunately, Karl had given me another night off from work when I’d told him what I was up against at school, but I was really starting to miss Neill. Our last couple of meetings had been sort of strained. Well, that was easy to explain: I’d been lugging class work and study guides nonstop for the past two weeks. And, if I was completely honest, anxiety made me a little bit short-tempered.

I was early for calculus, but that was fine by me. I grabbed a seat at the end of an aisle and spread my notes out on as much as I could on the tiny arm-desk.

Higher math had been kicking my ass since I’d changed advisers. Those tutoring sessions had helped more than I’d realized. Now that they were gone, I had to focus twice as hard, and I still wasn’t doing as well. But I’d take the trade-off.

“I can do this,” I said to myself as I flipped open the textbook. “I can.”

Professor Early started his lecture, which was more of a review session, and I wrote down every word. Just when I was starting to think I understood, an insistent chiming started in the front left pocket of my shorts.

The class went silent, everyone staring at me as I yanked my phone free and declined the call as quickly as I could. Professor Early’s draconian “no cell” policy had been clear from day one, and I’d never violated it until today.

I glanced at the screen. Of course, it had been Neill.

“Sorry,” I mouthed to Professor Early, my cheeks boiling. God, I must look like a red balloon. He gave me a dirty look but continued his lecture. I flipped the phone to silent mode, but the damage was done. My concentration never quite returned to what it had been before the embarrassing interruption.

Why had Neill called me? Right in the middle of class, ugh. He never called me during the day; he always texted. What was up? I wondered through the rest of class, between copying notes. I wondered if I’d understand any of them tomorrow. Somehow I highly doubted it.

“So, remember, the next time we meet will be your final exam. It counts for thirty percent of your final grade, so you’d better do well. If you have any questions, please do contact me. You’re dismissed.” Professor Early waved us off, and the sounds of slamming notebooks and the rustling of backpacks filled the room.

I gathered my stuff and left the room as quickly as I could, frustration firing my blood. I’d been so close to actually getting some of this shit! That phone call from Neill had come at the exact wrong time. How was I going to pass this class without understanding the stupid review?

Once I’d left the crowded hallways of the math and science building, I yanked the phone from my pocket and called Neill back. Not so much to figure out what he’d wanted as to let him know he might have cost me a passing grade in calculus.

“Hey,” his warm voice came through the phone. Normally, it would do funny things to my stomach and make my skin tingle. Right now? I wanted to punch him.

“I was in the middle of class,” I said, trying to temper my irritation. It didn’t work. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just was calling to check on you, say hello. I know you’re busy studying, but I’d love to help you with it if I can.”

“Hi. I’m fine. I’ve got a shit-ton of calculus to study, a religion exam tomorrow, and the graphic design project from hell due in three days. Can we do this later? Sorry, I just need some space to deal with all this right now.”

There was silence for a second, then a somewhat flat reply. “Sure. Space. I get it. Sorry to bother you.”

The line went dead. I stared at the phone, debating calling him back to apologize. Then I jammed my phone back in my pocket. He might not have meant to fuck up my concentration, but he had. I might have been short with him, but he should respect my time. I’d talk to him later. This was important, and he had to realize that.

“Courtney!” I waved at my friend, who was walking toward the quad in front of me. “Hey, wait up!”

Neill

I stared at the cellphone in my hand and wondered what had gone so wrong between me and Hailey. Glancing around my studio, I wasn’t sure who to blame it on. Was it me? Had I been too hesitant to show her my true feelings? Was it this place? The blue walls and bright light hurt my eyes, so I looked at the shiny black floor tiles.

No, she’d loved it here. She’d loved the guys, Karl, even me.

She’d said she loved me.

I shoved to my feet and paced alongside my tattoo chair. She’d said she loved me, and now she wanted space. I’d offered to help her, to be there alongside her through whatever she had to do. Studying, hell, I could’ve quizzed her on definitions or made her dinner while she worked. I just wanted to be a part of her life.

She didn’t want that. She wanted to keep me out. Why?

The memories bubbled up like bile at the back of my throat. I stopped pacing, gripping the black vinyl of the tattoo chair.

Gretchen.
This was how it had started. She’d loved me, couldn’t get enough of me. But then she’d asked for space. No good reason for it. I’d begged to be a part of her life, to help her through whatever was bothering her.

She’d said no.

I’d gone to her apartment, hoping to surprise her with her favorite takeout and a movie. I knocked on the door, but there wasn’t an answer, only a low moaning sound.

“Gretch?”

The moaning continued, and I’d shoved open the door . . . She’d been drugged out of her mind, naked on the couch with some other guy.

“No,” I growled as I released the chair. I tightened my fists and stared at the ceiling. “This is different. Hailey is different.”

I blinked until the image was gone. I’d never been able to fight it off. It was a memory that would have its way with me whenever, however, it wanted.

A soft knock came on my studio door. “Hey, boss man,” Roger called. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fine,” I said, taking a steadying breath before opening the door. “Whatcha need?”

“I’m heading out for lunch. Want me to grab you something?”

I glanced over at my bag. I’d wondered about maybe heading over to Hailey’s school, helping her study, grabbing an early dinner. No way was that happening now. Somehow, though, I wasn’t hungry anymore. “No, I’m good. I’ve got some work to do. Thanks anyway.”

“Sure.”

Once Roger was gone, I went to the front counter where she used to sit. I lowered myself into her chair, rubbing the arms almost lovingly.

It was so damn hard to say goodbye. But this was right. It would be better for both of us if I could sever my stupid need for her right then and there.

Closing my eyes, I thought of her.

She’d walked into my shop that day, just a kid needing a job. But she’d become so much more to me. She’d helped me out of the pit that Gretchen had thrown me into, shown me that I was more than some jacked-up artist. I realized that now. Even coming as far as I had, experiencing success in my job, I’d wondered if there was something fundamentally wrong with me; if something about me caused the ones I loved to go off the deep end, wrecking their lives and leaving my heart in tatters behind them.

But Hailey . . . she’d been a good thing. A bright spot in my gray, empty existence.

With that thought, almost as homage and goodbye, I opened my eyes. It was time to let her go. She’d given me a lot, and now she wanted space.

But I had to protect myself. I wasn’t going to be broken again, not even by her.

Bending low, I punched the power button for the computer. I rolled the chair forward so I could reach the keyboard comfortably.

Tapping the desk idly, I waited for the machine to boot. While I was waiting, I let my eyes wander.

She’d made this desk her own. Forms were labeled, color-coded, organized in trays by artist name. There were a few snapshots taped beneath the ledge of the counter, pictures of Hailey with some friends at the beach, a couple of people I didn’t know, and at the top corner, one of me and Hailey on my back porch. We were making crazy faces, Hailey sticking her tongue out and me miming a shocked expression. I gave a sad laugh as I remembered that morning.