Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine (72 page)

His took his fingers out of me and slid them into my hair, gripping me hard. He forced me to turn, to look at him.

“Ask me, Allie,” he said. “Ask me about him.”

“No,” I said, angry. I pushed off his hand. “Why are you being such an asshole right now?”

“You don’t want to know what he was like?” he said. “When we fucked? You’ve never seen him like that before, have you? When he’s been penetrated like that…?” Pain shivered through his light, even as his fingers and hands tightened on me. “…Gods. It’s unbelievable, Allie. Mind-blowingly good…you don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Fuck off,” I said, meaning it that time. “Seriously, Jem. What is your damage right now?”

“He got so submissive, Allie…so, so submissive.” He let his pain coil through me, letting out a low gasp when I tried to free my wrist. Watching my eyes, he caressed my face with one hand. “…So goddamned open. He’d open all over…he gave me his light. His hands would fucking open…his body…every part of him. He’d turn into a fucking
child,
Allie. I’ve never had anyone do that with me before. Never. He’d make this sound. Jesus Christ…” His pain worsened. He closed his eyes, pressing against me.
“Gaos.
I never lasted as long with him as I wanted. Never…not once. I’d fucking lose it every time…”

I shoved at his shoulder, feeling my chest clench, pain sliding into my heart.

“Get off me, Jem. Now…” I said.

“He gave unbelievable head. Unbelievable. He’d open his light that same way…service me like it was a fucking religious experience for him…”

“Get off me, Jem!”

When he didn’t move, or let go of me, I hit him, hard, in the chest.

“Get off me,” I snarled. “Now, Jem! Right the fuck
now…”

That time he moved, sitting up slowly. I shoved his leg and arm out of my way as I climbed up off the couch. His eyes followed me as I regained my feet, his expression unreadable. I was already fastening up my shirt, my jaw hard as I got ready to leave the room.

“He’s doing that for someone right now, Alyson,” he said, cold. “Right now, he’s lying there, his light open, making that fucking sound…”

I didn’t think. Turning, I swung…without even taking a breath.

I caught him in the jaw with a cross that I’d been practicing for a few years by then.
 

I hit him fast enough that he didn’t get his hands up in time…hard enough that he gasped in pain. I’d already started to back away from the couch when he leapt to his feet, catching hold of my wrists before he yanked me towards him. I tried to free my arm, maybe to hit him again, but he lowered his mouth to mine, kissing me hard, hard enough for me lose my breath.

I don’t know why I kissed him back. I really don’t.

A few minutes later, he groaned against my mouth. His light opened, making me gasp as I felt it coil hotly into mine. His hands and fingers tightened as he fought to get me to open my light in return…pulling on me until I pushed his aleimi sharply away.

He brought me roughly back to the couch, and I’m not sure why I let that happen, either. Then he was unbuckling his belt, one-handed, spreading my legs with his, panting as he held me down with his other hand. Once he got his cock free, he entered me without preamble, arching all the way inside.

He found the notch and extended, pain expanding off his light.

He let out a low cry once he had me there. That time, the emotion in his voice shocked me, even as it caused me to gasp.

“Open your fucking light, Allie,” he groaned, looking down at me. “Goddamn it, stop hiding from this…”

I bit my lip, shaking my head. “I’m not
hiding,
Jem…”

“Bullshit,” he growled. “You say you’re doing this for him? That’s
bullshit,
Alyson. He’s nothing but a fucking excuse. You don’t want to feel this…you don’t want to feel anything right now. You sure as hell don’t want to admit he’s not coming back…or that you might actually
give
a shit about me, regardless of how you feel about your mate...” Tears came to his eyes, shocking me again. He arched into me, hard, his pain worsening when I shook my head. “Open goddamn it. Once. Just
once.
Let me help you with this…”

I clenched my jaw, looking up at him.

Even so, I couldn’t say I disagreed with him. Not right then.

But I couldn’t fucking go there, either. Not now.

“Then when?” he said, his voice angry.
“When,
Allie? You don’t get any fucking ‘breaks’ in this. There isn’t going to be a good time…” When I averted my gaze, gripping his arms, he lowered his head, pressing his cheek against mine, kissing me, even as he murmured in my ear. “Fuck me like I’m him. Just once, do it like you would with him, Allie…”

Pain caught my breath at his words, blinding me.

I felt it worsen as I lay there, his words hitting me in some unguarded place in my light, some place I hadn’t admitted even existed.

It hit me then, what the pain meant.

I wanted to do that with him…with Jem.

I wanted it.

His pain turned excruciating. Everything in his light changed, growing softer, more intense, more open…more real. Softer than I could handle, than I could let myself feel.

“I want it, too,” he murmured. He kissed me, his light sliding hotly into mine, laced with that denser vulnerability, achingly soft. “I know you need this…I know you do. But I want it so fucking badly, Allie. Please do this with me…please…I’ll be so good to you, I promise. I’ll give you anything you want…anything…”

I closed my eyes, fighting to think.

I felt myself trying to rationalize in that more distant part of my light. Revik and I talking in the tank…what he’d asked of me. In all of our discussions, in all of our plans and talks and fights…it never once occurred to me that I would want this with someone else.

But I couldn’t think about that.

I couldn’t think about any of that.

Even so, the realization hurt. I remembered Ditrini wanting the same thing from me in Beijing and the idea making me sick, disgusted beyond where I could even bother fighting with him about it. I guess I’d been expecting that; I’d expected some kind of duty feeling with this, like work. In the same few seconds, I realized something else.

I hadn’t been putting this off because I didn’t want to do it…but because I did.

Closing my eyes, I fought to decide what to do, whether I should stop this. Find someone else. But it was too late for that…Revik had been pushing me for weeks and I’d been dragging my feet, not telling him why, not admitting to myself why as I did everything I could to put it off, then to block him, then to put it off again.

And I wanted Jem with me when I went after Dragon.

I wasn’t sure if I could fully admit to myself why that was, either.

“Please, Allie…” he murmured. “Please…”

Pain slid through my light.

I gasped, fighting confusion, then letting that go too as I made my decision.

Jem felt it, the instant I had…the instant I opened my light at all.

He sucked in a breath, stopping.

Hanging over me, his dark hair a shadowed curtain, he closed his eyes, disbelief expanding off his aleimi in a dense wave. I felt his light react in sparking flickers around mine, pulling on me before I think his brain even caught up with what I was doing.

Then I opened for real.

“Gods,” he groaned. More emotion reached his voice…then his light. “Gods, Allie…Allie…”

I clenched my jaw, closing my eyes as he stroked my face.

Heat flooded out of him, affection…more affection than I’d been prepared to deal with…a denser pulse of that harder wanting. Pain hit me in the same set of seconds. I realized I was still keeping him out, even as I opened to him. Some part of me was trying to show him my light without taking his in. Feeling the pain coiling between us worsen, I fought to unfurl that fist, to let myself feel him.

“Allie…” he said. “Gods, Allie…I can’t hold this. I can’t…Allie…”

Feeling him lose control, I slid into his light, gripping it the way I would have done with Revik. Once I had a hold of him there, Jem’s whole body went soft, his light liquid, right before his weight grew heavy, leaning hard on mine. He ground into me with the small amount of room I’d left him, panting against my neck.

“Jesus fucking christ…”

I felt him struggle against me…really struggle. I felt him realize there was nothing he could do, that he couldn’t get free of me.

Then he lost control over his light.

Like, really lost control. It was the first time he’d done that since we’d been together. He was panting then, gripping my shoulder and hair so tightly it hurt, even as his light coiled deeper into mine. I looked up at him and his eyes met mine, holding disbelief, along with a vulnerability that caught my breath.

“Jem,” I said softly. I stroked his face, pushing his black hair back behind his shoulder, caressing his neck. “Jem…calm down…calm down, brother…it’s okay…”

He closed his eyes, longer than a blink.

Seeing him do that, watching his jaw clench, I felt my pain abruptly worsen.

Tears came to my eyes.

“Gods, Jem…you wanted this. You wanted this…”

When I let go of his light the barest bit, he groaned, lowering his face to mine. His body still soft, he sent liquid heat through my light, kissing the tears off of my cheeks, stroking my neck and breasts, putting so much light into his fingers and lips and tongue I could barely hold onto his. His pain spiraled out of control. I fought to calm him down again, massaging his chest the way I would have done with Revik, too. I was still holding him there when he gasped, losing control again. Pain filled his voice as he pressed his face against my neck.

“Allie…” he gasped. “Allie…Allie…gods…”

“Calm down…Jem, calm down…”

“I can’t…I can’t…”

I could feel him now. I felt myself fighting that awareness still, but his light was sliding deeper into mine, warm and soft and so different from mine…so different from Revik’s. I felt the intensity there, the will, that compassion both Revik and Balidor had talked about with him, his unswerving loyalty to those he loved. I felt his grief around me, around Revik…his heart. Gods, his heart. His heart was huge, like a furnace in his chest…so full right now. I felt that heat intensify, even as he aimed it at me, that vulnerability growing softer, almost…

“I can’t do this…” I blurted.

I was fighting him then, fighting to get him off me, to get him out of my light.

“I can’t fucking do this…Jem…stop…stop…”

Tears came to my eyes a second time. I fought to pull them back, fighting the openness in my light, the emotions that rose when I felt Jem trying to reach me. I felt him trying to calm me down, his hands and light reassuring, warm despite what I felt there, the intensity of his reaction as I tried to pull away.

Pain writhed through him, pulling on my light, making both of us gasp…

Then I could feel him. Not Jem.

Revik.

He wasn’t there, and then…he just was.

His presence flooded my light in a heated cloud, coiling into me, washing out everything else. Immediate, visceral. So undeniably, unmistakably him.

So much of him it stopped my heart.

I hadn’t felt anything like it since he’d left.

I cried out in shock, realizing I’d lost the shield entirely in those moments where I’d let Jem into my light. I felt shock on Revik too, a slow-dawning understanding…then pain…more pain than I could stand as his mind pulled together the strands.

It blacked out my vision, clenching my hands. It clenched harder in my chest as his presence intensified. Emotions rose inside that wash of light…his grief, washing over me…loss I couldn’t block out, even as I felt him wanting to talk to me, maybe wanting to do more than talk…those harder feelings growing more intense…

Allie…wife…who is that?
His voice rose, loud in my mind. It was like he stood in front of me now.
Who’s with you, Allie?

I let out a pained gasp, fighting back the fury that expanded off his light.