Down the Rabbit Hole (26 page)

Hef grumbled under his breath, something about how E! would never have been able to afford Ryan if
GND
hadn't been so successful, before shuffling off towards a nearby table, expecting me to follow.

Hef had become obsessed with the show. When
GND
was first ordered, he wasn't particularly eager to make many appearances.

“This way, Daddy doesn't have to do the work!” he guffawed at the press when they would ask him why he decided to do a reality show that centered around his girlfriends. He also described reality shows as “dumb and a waste of time.”

His tune changed as soon as he realized just how popular the show had become. Suddenly it became imperative that Hef have a substantial scene in every episode. If he saw a rough cut of an episode and wasn't happy with the amount of screen time he was getting, we were called back to re-film scenes in a manner that would include him more. Even when we shot entire episodes off the mansion grounds, we were obligated to call home on camera, so the show could cut back to what Hef was doing back at the mansion. Not surprisingly, it usually involved him spending time with other women. At the end of the day, the producers were right. It
was
Hef's show.

By the time we began filming on season three, my attitude changed when it came to our little reality program: I was finally fully embracing it. I had been skeptical of how the series would affect my life. But by the time the network ordered a third season, even I had to admit that we had a hit on our hands. I started to see the show as an opportunity. It was an excuse to travel, to go outside the mansion gates and try new things. Also, I was starting to realize that being on a reality show brings a little magic with it. People are more willing to give you a chance when you are on TV, even if it's on the silliest of reality shows. I was beginning to sense that I might be able to get something bigger out of this, even if that something was confined to the world of
Playboy
.

That season, we were finally able to film in December and capture my birthday (Kendra's and Bridget's birthdays had both been covered twice over the previous two seasons). Birthday episodes were important to each of us, because it was another opportunity to feel special and to be portrayed as individuals. I think being able to feel like our own person from time to time made us all feel a little less insecure, which allowed us to come together as friends more and more. Even a silly activity like horseback riding helped us bond and, indirectly, ended up having a big influence on my life.

The show's producers found Sunset Ranch in the Hollywood Hills, offering horseback rides over the hills into Burbank and back to Hollywood. For the episode called “May the Horse Be with You” we drove up Beachwood Drive and passed through an old stone gateway into a quiet area populated with adorable storybook-style cottages. I had never seen houses so cute. They looked like one of the seven dwarves was going to pop out of one of the doors at any given moment.

What is this place?
I thought.

I would later learn that the area was developed as a community called Hollywoodland (that's where the famous Hollywood sign comes from) and each house was built to look as if it came straight out of a fairy tale. I didn't know it then, but I would find myself returning to that neighborhood quite regularly five years later.

The episode that marked the most immediate change for me, however, was definitely the one called “My Bare Lady,” which focused on me interning under Marilyn Grabowski at Playboy Studio West. Despite dating the boss, I didn't find the internship that easy for me to secure.

Prior to the start of each new season, the three of us girls would meet with producers to discuss the coming months and potential plotlines they could follow. The producers needed to know what we had going on in our lives so they could decide what they wanted to film. Even though reality shows capture “reality,” there still needs to be a storyline to follow. Filming us watching TV or reading doesn't exactly make riveting television. So we would gather around the mansion's dining room table, pencils and day planners in hand, listing off our plans and goals for the next few months. The producers would throw around ideas with us and would eventually let us know what had been decided: what we would film, when it would be done, and sometimes even how the things we caught on camera would fit into upcoming plotlines. Every once in a while we would film an activity, not really knowing where it would end up. Those types of things often ended up in what they called “Frankenstein episodes.” For example: me buying an exotic bird as a gift for Hef, Kendra consulting a “pet psychic,” and Bridget taking her dog to get an agent were intercut to create a pet themed episode.

In several of the meetings, I'd campaigned for a
Playboy
internship under Marilyn Grabowski, the photo editor at Studio West. I knew this was never an opportunity Hef would give to me ordinarily, but I thought that if it was something chronicled for the show than he might actually let me give it a whirl.

At the time, we had already shot two pictorials for the magazine and I absolutely loved being at the studio. The idea of working on set with the models and being a part of the decision making really spoke to me—I was desperate for some sort of creative outlet. Marilyn was responsible for coming up with ideas and themes for shoots, doing the art direction, and choosing the best photos to send to
Playboy
's Chicago offices for layout design. After spending years admiring all of the Playmate proofs routed through Mary's office, reading the memos back and forth between editors, and seeing the final selects for the magazine, I felt like I had developed an eye for the process. On the occasions the executive producer pitched the idea to Hef he turned it down. (Hef was never in our plotline brainstorming sessions; he would be consulted afterwards.) No reason was ever relayed back to me—just that it didn't get approved. I was too timid to ask Hef about it myself, particularly with the knowledge that he had already shot it down.

I was so frustrated, always hearing “no, no, no!”

“It's the one idea I'm really excited about and he keeps turning it down!” I complained to Bridget one day while I was lounging in her room. Not only was I the quietest, least outgoing cast member, but my interests overlapped with Bridget's so much that I found it difficult to find plot ideas for myself. There were so few things that felt unique to me and were also within the boundaries of what Hef would let me do. I was starting to lose patience.

As she set about organizing a pile of craft supplies, she told me she had actually heard something about it. Sitting cross-legged on her poufy pink round bed, she and I had been discussing ideas for the upcoming season and I'd once again mentioned my favorite plot idea. Bridget went on to tell me that Hef didn't want to tell me no on camera if the work wasn't good enough. Hef said he wasn't going to approve something just because I worked on it.

“That's FINE!” I replied, exasperated. “I don't want him to publish my work if it isn't good enough! I
want
to learn! Plus, being able to tell me no on camera would make good drama for the show!”

Bridget started laughing her infectious laugh. “I know,” she blurted out. “That's what I was thinking!”

Despite being addicted to drama in real life, Hef was adamant that no real drama or “negativity” play out on the show. We were to be depicted as a happy family, blissfully sharing our boyfriend at all times. I believe, because
Playboy
and his lifestyle were controversial enough, that he wanted to prove to everyone that things were always just peachy inside the mansion. The network and the producers would have liked a little drama (anyone does when making a reality show), but Hef wouldn't have it, hence not wanting to tell me no on camera. The irony was, of course, that he had done so (and sometimes cruelly) many, many times in real life. He wanted to be portrayed as the best boyfriend ever, which meant he acted quite different on camera than off. In the world of
GND,
you ONLY saw his good side.

A season later, after the producers and I brought up the idea for the millionth time, Hef finally relented and let me give the internship a try. In order to secure the internship, I was charged with finding a potential Playmate candidate suitable for the magazine and bringing the photos to Hef for review. I instantly remembered meeting an adorable Puerto Rican girl that Playmate Colleen Shannon had introduced to me at an autograph signing—my first job was to track her down! When I finally found a photo of her to show Hef, he approved her as a candidate. Tamara Sky would soon become 2007's “Miss August,” and her Playmate shoot would mark my first official gig as a
Playboy
photo intern.

Marilyn graciously welcomed me into the studio. She introduced me to Stephen Wayda, who would be shooting Tamara's pictorial, and walked me through proof editing for the Miss June shoot. With great patience and care, she pointed out all the elements that make a great centerfold—and exactly what it took in order to get Hef's approval.

I was still trying to figure that one out!
I thought, laughing to myself.

It didn't take long before Studio West became my home away from home. In fact, I think I felt more like myself at the studio than I ever had at the mansion. Away from Hef's critical eye, I relaxed and grew into my new role. Having the internship gave me a sense of great pride. The photographers and staffers were an invaluable part of the experience, teaching me everything I needed to know. I couldn't believe I was actually getting centerfolds approved! I had been hearing for years that Hef was so picky, it sometimes took weeks to get a finished centerfold. Not only did I enjoy the job, as it turns out, I was actually good at it, too! Between my nine-to-five at the studio and all the editing homework I was bringing back to the mansion with me, I ended up spending most of my time on the job, and I wouldn't have had it any other way!

When Marilyn retired, I was promoted from intern and given an actual job, with the title Junior Photo Editor. I was assigned to the upcoming Playmate shoots, and since I was the first editor to focus entirely on the Playmate of the Month feature, eventually I was given the title Playmate Editor.

I was finally starting to feel like I had a purpose, like I had some use in the
Playboy
world. I wasn't just one of Hef's numerous blond bimbos. My confidence grew for the first time since I had moved into the mansion. This job did for me what starring in a reality television show and becoming known worldwide didn't do: it made me feel good about myself. Having responsibilities, new skills to learn, and a creative outlet allowed me to slowly start coming alive again.

Over the course of
The Girls Next Door,
we would pose for two more covers (besides November 2005 and September 2006) and three
GND
calendars, which I took upon myself to direct and edit.
The Girls Next Door
projects weren't a part of my Studio West job in any way (on the clock, I handled only Playmate projects), but because I'm ambitious, love a good project, and wanted some kind of say in how I was portrayed, I took the helm of some of our shoots anyway and no one protested. The March 2008 “Sexiest Celebrities” cover was an outtake from a concept I developed with the three of us perched inside a bunny-shaped constellation. Apparently fans of the show were enjoying my photo editor storyline, and production decided to spend more time with me in the studio. Some viewers probably thought my job was fake and only for the TV program. One E! executive even congratulated our executive producer for making me look “credible on that job,” which I found insulting, to say the least. Most people only knew me as a reality TV bimbo, so I guess it's not surprising that many people assumed I couldn't handle a real job. But the only time I ever may have appeared involved in a shoot when I wasn't was when a production team asked me to pop by the
Playboy
shoot Kim Kardashian was filming for
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
. I didn't have anything to do with her pictorial, since it was a celebrity shoot and not a Playmate feature.

Sneaking in a little creative say over our projects was a major outlet for me. Not everyone had that sort of outlet, though. As girlfriends, the three of us were to be seen and not heard. Never were we permitted to express any sort of discontent with Hef or mansion life. As Kendra's star began to rise, she became more confident, independent . . . and vocal. Bridget and I had been through so much by the time Kendra had arrived on the scene that we were already preconditioned to be afraid to ask for anything. But Kendra wasn't afraid, and as a result was granted a little more freedom. Her fearlessness certainly let Hef know that if she didn't get her way she would be out the door. Of course, granting one of the girlfriends some perks that the others didn't get played into his manipulative games as well. She was the only one of us allowed to have an outside agent, who booked her for a few club appearances. But like all things at the mansion, her added benefits came at a cost. She was no longer new and novel enough to be completely safe from Hef's belittling ways. Just like he'd done with me for years, he began chipping away at her confidence, slowly but surely.

“You have a little overbite,” Hef pointed out to Kendra while shooting an episode for season three. Kendra had dressed up as Mae West for one of our calendar photos, an obvious bid to win Hef's affections by emulating an old Hollywood star.

“What . . . ?” Kendra laughed nervously, obviously embarrassed, looking straight into the camera for some kind of help as Hef went about his business.

It happened off camera, too. During a limo ride to an event, on a day when we weren't filming, the four of us sat quietly in the vehicle as it battled the L.A. traffic. Hef, for whatever reason, decided to have a go at her: