Don't Tell A Soul (25 page)

PAM

 

 

 

 

F
or the first time in a long time, the Sister to Sister meeting actually felt like a prayer group. Yvonne put her foot in that prayer, and I think she got her own blessing, too. I hope that little bit about unforgiveness wasn't about me and Troy, though. God doesn't require me to accept cheating from my husband. No matter what they say or think, I have grounds for divorce.

I walk through my home, straightening up, although there's not really much to straighten. Over the past few days, with Troy being gone, there's not been much of a mess. He's the one who tears everything up. The children are ridiculously neat. I guess they get that from me.

Troy left me a voice-mail message to tell me where he's staying. At the Fairfield Inn about five minutes from our house. I don't respond. I have nothing to say until he tells me that Aria has been erased from our lives.

The doorbell rings, and I know we're not expecting company. It better not be Troy, because that is a violation of this trial separation we got going here. I don't care if his name is on the deed, I will call the police with a quickness.

I take a peek out the window and notice that it's Logan. He's got a huge smile on his face and a box of cupcakes in his hand. I shake my head and inhale deeply. I exhale and then open the door.

“Logan, I don't think—”

He holds a finger to my lips, shushing me. “It's just cupcakes, Pam.”

I take the box from his hands and take the sight of him all the way in. He's wearing a snug T-shirt and jeans, and the scent of his cologne immediately tickles my nose. As always, his best accessory is his smile.

“Thank you, Logan.”

“Were you busy?” He points to the scarf on my head. I quickly snatch it off and toss it on the floor behind me.

“Just doing a little cleaning, that's all.”

“Want some company?”

I look over my shoulder and up the stairs. Me having a guy here won't look good to my children.

“I don't think so. It's not a good time.”

He steps a little closer. Into my personal space bubble. The danger zone. I think his cologne has got crack in it or something, because I'm already addicted.

I put one hand on his chest. “No, not this evening. Thank you for the cupcakes. I could sure use the carbs, but not the company.”

“I just came by to tell you that I spoke to Troy today about Aria. I thought you'd want to hear what he has to say.”

Shoot. I can't just leave him standing out here so the whole neighborhood can see a man that's not Troy all up in my face. I do want to know what Troy said, though.

“Come on in, Logan. But just for a little bit. I don't want my babies to get the wrong idea.”

“Why would they get the wrong idea?”

“They're not used to me having male company over, so I just don't want to alarm them, especially with their daddy not being here.”

“I'll be quick, then.”

“Come on into the kitchen.”

I put the cupcakes on the counter and take out a carton of milk. “Want some?” I ask. “If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to fatten me up with all these cupcakes,” I say. “Are you a chubby chaser or something?”

Logan laughs out loud. I frown and shush him, and he gets much quieter. “I am not a chubby chaser. I think you look fine. You're just thick.”

“Anyway! Enough of that. Tell me what Troy said about Aria.”

Logan takes a seat on one of the bar stools. “I asked him if he was going to drop her, at least after the Reign Records deal goes through.”

“And?”

“Well . . .”

I forget about my rules and slam my hand down on the kitchen counter. “Tell me!”

“He said that you aren't running nothing, and that he was going to ride this thing all the way through and see how much money he's going to make.”

“He said
what?
”

“He thinks you'll eventually come around, because you want the money, too, especially since Aria is getting married.”

I can't believe this. While he's begging through Spencer to come back home, he's being all big and bad with his homeboy, talking about how I don't run nothing! Well, maybe I don't, but I do decide whether or not he comes back up in here, at least tonight.

“Do you think you'll stay separated?” Logan asks. “He says that he misses you.”

“He doesn't miss me enough, and he doesn't love me more than he loves money, so I don't know what's going to happen with us.”

“You are too beautiful to be treated this way, Pam.”

I chuckle. “Like, does it bother you to be two faced like this, Logan? You're going back and forth between me and Troy.”

“I am kind of caught in the middle.”

“Only because you want to be! You don't have to be my friend, Logan. I appreciate what you've done so far, but you are Troy's friend. You don't have to betray him.”

Logan takes one of the cupcakes out of the box and takes a bite before getting up off the bar stool. “Are you saying you don't want to be my friend?” He walks toward me while waiting for my answer.

“I—I don't know.”

“Because I'd rather be your friend than Troy's. Other than the music, Troy and I don't have anything in common. But you and I, well, we've got our writing, our humor, and our love of cupcakes.”

Logan takes a finger full of chocolate buttercream frosting and holds it close to my lips. I gulp and close my eyes.
Don't take the bait, Pam! Don't do it!

My mind is screaming at me, but his cologne has got me severely twisted, and his lips are so close to mine. His warm chocolate-scented breath is right beneath my nose.

Then he kisses me, and all thoughts cease. It is a “get you weak in the knees” kiss, an intimate kiss, the kind I've only ever shared with Troy.

I push him away. “Logan, I think you should go.”

“Your mouth is saying that, but I think your body is saying something else.”

Logan pulls me close with one arm and kisses me again. This time it doesn't feel sweet. It feels invasive and forced. And his hands are groping where they shouldn't grope.

Now his kiss muffles a scream as he unhooks my bra in the back and yanks my shirt up so that he can violate me further.

“Logan, stop!” I scream as I finally yank my face away from his lips.

“Stop? Pam, you've been teasing me since the day we met. You heard me say I was celibate, and you've just been tempting me and flirting with me.”

“I don't believe you're celibate!”

Logan yanks me close again. “You're right. I'm not. But stop fighting me, Pam. I'm gonna make you feel so good, you're gonna forget all about Troy.”

Then I hear something that sounds like a roar as Troy storms through the kitchen. Logan has only a half second to respond, and it's not enough time, because Troy is on him like white on rice. Troy punches Logan in the stomach, and it makes him drop to his knees.

“Hey, man! Your wife let me in. She wants me. Don't get mad 'cause she got revenge on you.”

“Troy, that's not true!”

Troy points at me and says, “Pam, shut up and go upstairs.”

“What are you gonna do, Troy?” I ask, my voice trembling.

“I heard my wife scream.” Troy kicks Logan under the chin, and blood spatters across the floor.

“Troy!” I scream. “You're gonna kill him! I don't want you to go to jail!”

This seems to sink in with Troy. He stops his assault. “Fool, you got about ten seconds to get out of my house.”

Logan crawls out of the kitchen on his hands and knees. I grab Troy when he looks like he's going to attack him again.

“Don't! Just let him go, please. I just want this to be over.”

Troy turns and looks at me with disgust. “Next time you want to spend time with a man, don't have him over here. Isn't that what you requested of me?”

“He wasn't over here for that, Troy! He said he's been talking to you. I didn't know he was going to do that.”

“Well, I don't want to get any more texts from my daughter that a man is in our home.”

Gretchen! Normally, I would be mad about her snitching to her daddy, but this time I'm actually glad that she did that. Who knows what Logan would've done if Troy hadn't come in?

“You won't, Troy.”

“Did he tell you that after this project I'm dropping Aria? Is that how he got you in a lip-lock?”

My eyes widen. “He said the opposite. He said that you had no intention of dropping her.”

Troy slams his hand down on the counter. “I knew he was feeding you information. I saw his number come up on your text logs. But I had no idea he was telling you lies.”

I frown deeply. “You're checking my text messages?”

“Not really, no. I just scan the bill from time to time.”

Mmm-hmm. Sounds like I need to be checking his messages while he's following up behind me!

“So are you letting me come home?” Troy asks.

“No. I'm still mad.”

“What if Logan comes back and gets the rest of what he wanted?”

I fold my arms across my chest stubbornly. “I can handle him.”

“No, you can't. Look, even if you don't want me in the bedroom yet, I'm staying downstairs. This is my house, and I might have to bust a cap in somebody tonight.”

I don't like the idea of Logan coming back, so I stop arguing with Troy. I just want to wash his handprints and touch off my body. How could something so sweet turn into something so terrifying and sour?

“All right, Troy. I'm going to take a shower and get in bed.”

Troy nods. “I'm going to try not to wonder if you led Logan on or not, Pam. He doesn't seem like the type that would just take it from a woman without provocation.”

No, he didn't. “Okay, well, I'm going to try not to wonder if you really slept with Aria only once, because she seems like the type to come back for seconds.”

“I told you it was once.”

“You heard me scream.”

A stalemate. Because trust has been shattered on Troy's side and questioned on mine, neither one of us is willing to give the other the benefit of the doubt.

“I'm going to bed, Troy.”

“Are we going to make it through this, Pam?”

He's going to drop Aria. That's the first step, but it's certainly not a fix.

“Talk to me in the morning. Let's just get past tonight, okay? I'm exhausted.”

As I leave the kitchen, I turn to watch Troy. He goes into the refrigerator, gets out the cold cuts, mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and pickles. Then he goes into the pantry to get his hoagie rolls. Totally on autopilot, he goes back to doing what he does on a nightly basis.

Troy belongs here. This is his home. But I have no idea if I can let him back into my heart.

I go to my—no, our—bedroom, and finally it hits me. I was nearly raped. A man that I let into our home almost violated me in the worst possible way. With my children upstairs.

My stomach lurches, and I barely make it to the bathroom before I vomit up the contents of my stomach. It annoys me that I can still taste those cupcakes in my mouth afterward.

I rinse my mouth and wipe the tears from my eyes before I undress and stumble into the shower. I don't even mind the rush of cold water as I turn both faucets on full blast. I stand immobile under the stream, letting the finally warming water purify my body—even if it can't cleanse my spirit.

Why God?
I clutch my washcloth to my chest and sob. Why is this happening to my family? I've loved Troy for so many years, and he's loved me back. Why is God allowing the devil to put a wedge in our union?

Then something in my spirit says,
Repent
.

Repent? Of what? I was attacked by Logan. I didn't ask to be fondled! This is not my fault. Rape is never a woman's fault.

What do I have to repent about?

I tilt my head back in the shower and let the water wash over my face. No. The attempted rape wasn't my fault. Not at all.

But did I let Logan get too close to me? I connected with him. I opened myself to him. Made myself vulnerable to him and shared my discontent about Troy with him. I didn't ask to be raped, but I did invite trouble to my front door.

“Lord, forgive me,” I cry out in the shower. “Please, Lord! I beg you to restore me, and restore my union with Troy! Strengthen us! Cause all distrust to be forgotten. Oh, Lord, make me trust my husband again. Remove Aria from us, God! Remove the stain of what has transpired. Lord, God . . . I beg you!”

My amens are tears and sobs. I have recognized my sin and have asked God to forgive me, and I know that He is faithful and just to do that. But what about Troy, and what about me? Neither one of us is as faithful as God.

Neither one of us has been faithful at all.

TAYLOR

 

 

 

 

“S
pence! Where's Joshua?”

Spencer opens his eyes and tries to focus. I know he's trying to take a nap, but I just got home from shopping, and my son is nowhere to be found.

“I don't know,” Spencer says. “Maybe he's outside or at the basketball court.”

“No and no. I just came from outside, and he's not at the court.”

Spencer sits up in the bed. “Bike riding maybe?”

“No. His bike, skateboard, and scooter are all in the garage. So none of the above.”

“Did you call his friends' mamas? I don't know where he is.”

My eyes widen, and I ball my hands into fists. “He was home with
you,
Spencer. The least you could do is act like you care!”

I storm out of the bedroom and grab my car keys off the hook in the hallway. “Where are you going?” Spencer asks.

“Where do you think? To find my son!”

“Wait. Let me put some clothes on. You are running around like a banshee, and he's probably just down the street.”

See, these are the times when I wonder if Spencer would act differently if Joshua was his biological son. I go out in the morning to get groceries, and my son is still asleep. I get back later, and he's missing. Something is wrong with that picture. Maybe Spencer doesn't have the same parental instincts that I have, because he doesn't have any biological children—yet.

I think that I'm pregnant, but I haven't mentioned it to Spencer or anyone. I want to be sure before I say anything. But now that I see how he's acting with Joshua, I ask myself if he is going to be different when his child gets here. Is he gonna want to spank his biological child, or will it just be mine catching the belt?

Spencer comes out of the bedroom in sweats. “Okay, where do you want to look?”

“At both parks and up at the school. Sometimes they play ball up there.”

“You don't think he went over to Luke's house, do you?”

My eyebrows go up in surprise at the suggestion, then go down into a deep frown. “He wouldn't dare.”

“I think he might. Get Luke on the phone.”

I dial Luke's cell phone number, and it rings a few times before going straight to voice mail.

“He's not answering.”

“Well, do we know where he lives?”

“No. I just know about the church,” I say.

Spencer says, “After we check the parks, that's where we're going.”

 

After driving all over our neighborhood with no results, Spencer drives us to Luke's church.

“I swear that if he has my son, I don't know what I will do to him,” I mutter.

“Calm down. If he has Joshua, he'll be coming home with us. No need to get all bent out of shape.”

I stare at Spencer incredulously. “Are you kidding me? If he's got my son without me knowing, that's more than enough reason for me to get bent out of shape. Actually, that's cause for me to act one hundred percent crazy and deranged. He betta hope my son ain't up here!”

Spencer can barely park the car before I'm out and storming toward the entrance to the apartment complex's recreation center. No one asks me where I'm going or who I'm there to see. I guess I look like I'll take somebody's head off, because at this point I can practically breathe fire.

I throw open the door to the gymnasium/sanctuary, and there is Luke and what looks like his bridal party. And guess who else? My baby!

It's about to go down.

“I hear it's bad luck to walk down the aisle during the rehearsal, but we don't believe in luck at this assembly. God cancels every curse.” Luke doesn't even notice me standing at the door.

I yell at the top of my lungs, “He cancels every curse, but he sure ain't about to cancel the arrest warrant I'm about to whip out on your behind! You think you can kidnap my son and get away with it?”

Luke looks at me and then looks at Joshua with questions on his face. I stride over and snatch Joshua by the arm.

“Joshua,” Luke says, “you didn't tell your mother you were going to be here? Who dropped you off? I thought you said she was bringing you.”

“My friend's mom brought me,” Joshua says. “Mom, my dad didn't kidnap me!”

“Somebody better tell me what the heck is going on before folk start going to jail,” I say. “'Cause I'm getting real irritated at this lack of detail.”

Joshua snatches his arm out of my grip. “I wanted to come to my father's wedding. He asked me to be a groomsman. I knew you'd act crazy, just like you're doing right now.”

“Boy, you ain't seen me acting crazy! Don't make me embarrass you in front of all these people.”

“Joshua, apologize to your mother,” Luke says. “You can't disrespect her like that.”

“Even when she's tripping?”

Luke has a faint smile on his face. I want to slap it right off. “Even when she's tripping. The Bible makes a promise to young men who obey their mothers and their fathers. He promises you a long life.”

Joshua looks up at me. “Sorry.”

“Taylor, forgive me, as well,” Luke says. “I didn't know he was here without your permission. I thought you'd had a change of heart.”

“Mom, you're not being fair. I was at you and Spencer's wedding.”

I turn to face Spencer, who has finally caught up with me. “He wants to be a groomsman in Luke's wedding.”

“I don't see a problem with it,” Spencer says. “He's old enough to make that decision.”

“Spencer and I are still not coming,” I say. “I will drop my son off and pick him up.”

“I was thinking I could swing by and get him in the bridal party limo,” Luke says.

The only thing that stops me from doing five backward somersaults that end in me putting Luke into a choke hold is the fact that Joshua looks so excited. But someone please tell me how he can afford a hood-fabulous wedding when he hasn't paid child support? He needs to be sending a limo full of tennis shoes and school supplies.

I close my eyes and nod. I can't fix my mouth to agree verbally. Joshua seems very excited, because he hugs me tightly around my neck.

“The rehearsal is almost over,” Luke says. “Go with your mother until she brings you in the morning. I'm sure she still has some fussing to do on the way home.”

Fussing, screaming, hollering, ranting, and raving. All of the above and then some, but I don't like Luke saying anything that I'm going to do, like we're coparents or something like that. Luke has it twisted. There are no coparents in this situation. I'm Joshua's mother, and Spencer is his stepfather. The others are all temporary, including his father.

“So we'll see you tomorrow, bright and early?” Luke asks.

“Spencer will drop him off and then will wait for him until he's ready to come home.” Spencer looks like he wants to object, but he knows he's on my bad side right now, so he can forget about fussing.

I pull Joshua up out of this gymnasium and storm past Spencer. He follows right behind us and slams the door. When we get to the car, I nearly throw Joshua into the backseat.

“Ow!” he yells as he bumps his head going in.

Spencer stares at me before we get into the car.

“What?” I ask.

“Don't be too hard on him. He was with Luke, not robbing a bank.”

I cock my head to one side. “I almost don't know which one I'd rather he be doing.”

We get into the car, and I turn around and glare at Joshua.

“Ma, can you stop looking at me like that?”

“You aren't in control of anything, boy. I can look at you however I want. You better be glad I'm not back there beating your behind.”

“I'm too old for spankings, Mom.”

“No, you're not.”

“Are you going to spank me for going to my father's wedding?”

I close my eyes and sigh. “No. I'm not.”

“Good, because I really like him, Mom. Don't make him go away again.”

I open my eyes and say, “You think I made him go away? Did he tell you that?”

Joshua shakes his head. “No, but you hate him, and of course, Auntie Yvonne hates him. Y'all don't want to give him a chance, but I do.”

I let out a huge sigh. I'm going to have to allow this, even though I don't want to, because if I don't, my son is going to end up hating me.

“Don't let him say anything bad about me,” I say.

Joshua's eyes light up. “So this means you're not going to stop me from being around him?”

“For now, you can see him. But if I even think he's a woman beater still, I'm getting you away from him.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I can remember only a few times where Joshua looked this happy. Ain't that about nothing? I spend his entire life trying to make him content and making sure he has everything he needs, even when I have nothing, and Luke comes in and takes all of his admiration.

What part of the single-mom game is that?