Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (17 page)

I
heard
her leave and hoped I hadn't hurt her feelings. I knew I'd been abrupt, but I'd needed her to get away from me before I grabbed her and kissed her again. Before I said to hell with the restrictions and ran my hands all over her amazing body. Before I showed her that I didn't want anyone else submitting to me. I only wanted her. Body, mind and soul.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I ran my hand through my hair.

This was not the way things were supposed to have gone. This wasn't what my life was supposed to be. Then again, if my life had gone the way I'd intended, where would I have been now? With Zed and the other guys in my unit, somewhere over in the Middle East, sweating and picking sand out of places sand had no business being. I'd be planning on re-enlisting until I was finally forced to retire, or until my luck ran out.

Except my luck had already run out. It just hadn't been where I'd thought it'd be. Still, it'd landed me in a civilian life, back in Philadelphia, and trying to decide what I was supposed to do next.

I'd always known that, if I didn't die first, I would eventually come to this point. I just hadn't expected it to be so soon.

The thing was, there was one other unexpected part of all of this.

Nori.

While there would've always been a chance I would've run into her while we'd both lived in San Antonio, based on what I knew about her life, I doubted the two of us would've run in the same circles. The fact that we hadn't met before I'd gone to the hospital supported that.

Which meant, if I hadn't had my accident, if my life had gone on the way I'd always assumed it would, I never would've met Nori.

The realization hit me harder than I liked. A part of me wanted to not care, wanted to hate everything about the life that had been forced onto me. Except I couldn't hate her. The thought of a life that didn't have her in it wasn't something I wanted to consider. In fact, I was shocked to realize that if someone had given me the opportunity to go back and make the choice not to rescue that pedophile, a choice that would've meant I'd ended up with just a bit of smoke inhalation, I wasn't entirely sure I would've taken it. Not if it meant I'd never meet Nori.

I hadn't realized I was walking until I found myself in my bathroom, standing in front of the mirror. My face was flushed and it didn't take a genius to know why. It was the same reason my pants were a bit too tight for comfort.

I stripped off my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and climbed into the shower. I considered doing what I'd done the past couple days, and turning the hot water down so low that I was shivering by the time I got out. Instead, I let the heat beat down on me as I leaned forward and rested my arm against the back wall. I'd need to take off the wet dressings, but I had other, more pressing matters at hand.

Like the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about how things might've been different if Nori and I hadn't stopped tonight. If I'd done what I'd wanted to and kissed her again.

I closed my eyes and reached down to wrap my fingers around my cock. A shudder ran through me. I hadn't even tried to masturbate since the accident. The single time I'd climaxed since then, it'd been thanks to a dream. This was different.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I let myself remember the feel of her skin beneath my palm. I'd touched her almost by accident, but I'd kept my hand there deliberately. It'd taken all of my self-control not to do what I was now imagining I'd done.

I slid my hand up to cup one full breast. She moaned, arching into my touch rather than pushing me away like I thought she would. My thumb brushed across her nipple, and I felt it harden under the thin cotton. I knew she'd chosen this particular set of undergarments because they weren't supposed to be sexy.

Anything looked sexy on her.

But I was willing to bet she'd look even more so naked.

I didn't know what Nori looked like naked, but my imagination could take care of the missing details. My hand moved in slow, smooth strokes as my cock hardened even more.

I slid her panties down her legs, already anticipating what those long limbs would feel like wrapped around my waist. Her bra went next, finally letting me see every glorious inch of her. They were perfect. She was perfect. Some men may like a girl with a waist they could wrap their hands around. Me, I wanted a woman who wouldn't break beneath me.

I leaned over her, smiling as I flicked my tongue across the tip of her nipple. Nori moaned, then gasped as I covered the sensitive flesh with my mouth. I slid my hand down her stomach and between her legs, fingers delving into her slick, wet pussy. The sounds she made went straight to my cock.

The white noise of the shower didn't matter. I remembered the way she'd yelped when I smacked her ass with the ruler, the sound of her moaning when I kissed her. It wasn't hard to imagine the sorts of noises she'd make in bed.

I stood over her, looking down to where she'd gone to her knees in front of me. Her hair was down, cascading over her shoulders and halfway to her waist. I ran my fingers through her hair, then across her cheek to cup her chin. I rubbed my thumb across her bottom lip, then slid it into her mouth.

“Fuck,” I breathed out the word.

I'd kissed her, had my tongue in that mouth, knew how soft and sweet it was. I could almost feel it around my cock, almost see how her lips would stretch wide when she reached the base.

I buried my fingers in her hair, holding her head still as I began to fuck her mouth. Short, shallow thrusts that turned into longer ones, my cock sliding down her throat. She looked up at me, those beautiful eyes locking with mine.

A shudder went through me and I felt my body starting to tighten.

She stretched her arms above her head, making it easy for me to click the handcuffs into place. Her legs were already tied, her body spread wide for me to take however I wanted.

After.

The eight leather strips were softer than I'd thought they'd be, but when they came down on her breasts, the crack was loud. Her body jerked as she cried out. But it wasn't a sound of pain. No, this was pure pleasure. Her nipples tightened, a flush stained her skin. I could see her pussy glistening with her arousal as I brought the flogger down between her legs.

It should've freaked me out that I was fantasizing about those things, but Nori had found a part of me that I hadn't known before. And her talking about the things she liked made me think about doing those things to her. Not hurting her, but meeting a need that no one else could.

I groaned as I slid into her. She was hot and tight and perfect. Everything I'd always dreamed of, even when I hadn't known I'd wanted her. Her hips moved up against me, easily finding a rhythm, like we'd been doing this for years, like our bodies somehow knew a dance that we'd only just figured out.

“X!” she cried out my name. “Harder!”

I leaned down to give her a bruising kiss, biting at her lips as she writhed beneath me. Her nails dug into my shoulders until I was sure she would break skin. For the first time, I truly understood the appeal of how much more intense the pleasure was with an edge of pain.

“Please, X!” she begged. “More!”

My hand tightened on my cock as an orgasm ripped through me. Cum splattered on the wall as I groaned. The relief was almost enough to make my knees buckle. I stood there for a moment, letting the pleasure slowly ebb until it was gone.

I pushed my wet hair out of my face as I straightened, then stepped back to grab the shampoo. I suddenly felt extra dirty.

Now that I'd relieved the tension that had been building in me all day – or more accurately, for the past few days – all that I had left was shame. Shame at what I'd done. I had no right to think about her like that. The dream, that was out of my control. Errant thoughts, those I tried my best to ignore. What I'd just done, that had been deliberate.

And I could never do it again.

I kept telling myself that as I finished showering. Kept reminding myself that she wasn't interested in me in that way. That she was doing this to try to help me, to make amends for something that hadn't been her fault in the first place. She wanted to save me because she hadn't been able to save her brother. I could never forget that.

It might be the only way I could keep myself from doing something stupid.

Again.

Y
eah
, that was much easier said than done.

When I saw Nori the day after our second session, I reminded myself that she was simply helping out someone who she felt needed it. I gave her a polite half smile and thanked her for making breakfast.

The surprised expression on her face told me I hadn't been nearly this polite before, and that I should have been. I made a mental note to try harder to appreciate everything she was doing.

Even if it was only because she felt sorry for me. Okay, maybe compassion was a better word. No matter how much the darkness in me wanted to claim pity, I knew Nori better than that. She might feel like I needed to be protected, which was humiliating enough, but she didn't pity me. She saw a strength in me and wanted me to find it in myself.

“Nori,” I blurted out her name.

She'd been heading for the door and stopped. As she turned, I tried not to think about how cute she looked in her shorts and t-shirt. The ponytail she wore made her look even younger than twenty-four.

“You can stay here and eat with me.”

Even as I said it, I realized how completely idiotic it sounded. But then she gave me a tentative smile and turned around. She slid into the seat across from mine and started in on the pancakes she'd piled on her plate. That was one thing I'd always loved about army women. They never did the whole 'oh, no, I don't eat, I exist on air and sunshine' thing that too many civilian women did. I was pleased to see that Nori ate what she wanted.

“Your food's getting cold.”

I blinked and realized that I was watching her instead of eating. Trying not to look like I was embarrassed, I dug into the food.

“Any plans for today?” Nori asked a few minutes later.

“Figured I'd go out, hit a few clubs.” The sarcasm practically dripped from my words. “You know, see how many women dig scars.”

I glanced up and realized I'd said the wrong thing. Nori's mouth had tightened, and she was looking down at her fork, pushing things around on her plate.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I'd never been
that
guy, the good guy, the one who deserved people to think good things about him. But I stopped. She actually didn't need me to tell her. I was pretty sure she already knew it, and if she didn't, she would soon enough.

Things didn't get any better after that. The only good thing I could say was they didn't actually get worse either. In fact, the thing that frustrated me the most was that things seemed to have plateaued. Even if there wasn't any romance between us, the entire basis of a Dom / Sub relationship was trust. I'd figured that part, at least, would be the same. I had no idea what I'd actually expected to happen, but it hadn't been nothing.

Though maybe that was a good thing. The entire day after our second session, I found myself looking for her, hoping that I'd see her. Instead of staying on the second floor and burying myself in video games and sleep after PT, I started wandering around the house, going from room to room on the bottom floor, hoping that she'd be somewhere, cleaning or cooking. When I didn't find her there, I actually ventured out back by myself. Despite the high fence surrounding the little piece of land, I stuck in the shadows for the short amount of time it took me to confirm that she wasn't out there.

I knew that meant she was upstairs, but I still hung around on the bottom floor. I stayed there through lunch, but she didn't come down. I just hoped that didn't mean she was avoiding me. I didn't think she'd do that, but that dark part of my mind was starting to make itself known again.

I ate my dinner upstairs, but that didn't stop me from wondering if Nori had come down as soon as I'd left. Wondering if she'd been watching and waiting, not wanting to interact with me after last night. Wondering if she'd figured out how I felt about her. Or, rather, how much I wanted her, since I wasn't even entirely sure how I felt.

The rest of the night was spent staring at the television without really seeing what I was watching. It sounded like a reality show of some kind, but I couldn't muster up the energy to change the channel. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

She haunted me.

That was the only word I could think of to explain how she affected me. Haunting. Like she was some ethereal being beyond my touch. It was strangely and painfully accurate. Except I was the one who was dead and she was very much alive.

She was there every time I closed my eyes. Every thought led me to her. Her plan to pull me out of the darkness by giving me back control had worked, but not the way either of us expected. She was the one who'd pushed it back, and she was the one who kept it at bay. Tapping into the part of me that craved control had shown me a different side of myself, but none of it meant anything without her.

And that was what scared the shit out of me. That once I no longer needed the nursing assistance, she'd tell Father O'Toole to hire a real housekeeper so she could go back to Texas. She had no reason to stick around.

When I woke up the next morning, things weren't any better. In fact, because I'd fallen asleep on the couch, every inch of me was stiff and protesting. My dreams had been chaotic and disturbing, a weird mixture of memories from the accident, from my time overseas, and Nori trying to tell me that all I needed to do to feel better was go with her to an S&M club wearing leather pants and carrying a whip.

Like I said, disturbing.

It was a relief to have a message from Father O'Toole come through while I was changing my clothes. Breakfast with him out on the back patio sounded like a good way to keep my mind off of Nori.

He was already in the kitchen when I arrived downstairs.

“If I'd known she was going to make so much food, I would've paid her more,” he said as he emerged from behind the refrigerator door. He held a carton of milk in one hand and a bowl of fruit salad in another. “Is it as good as it looks?”

“It is.” I grabbed a couple bowls and a box of cereal. “She made pancakes yesterday.”

“Maybe I should stay for lunch,” he said with a grin. “Wouldn't want her hard work to go to waste.”

So much for getting my mind off Nori.

“How are things going between the two of you anyway?” Father O'Toole asked as he settled in one of the chairs.

If I hadn't known that the father wasn't one for passive-aggressive questions, I would've thought he was fishing around because Nori had called him. Instead, I knew he was just curious.

“Fine.” I kept my answer vague. Father O'Toole knew that I didn't believe the same things he did, and that I definitely didn't lead a celibate life, but I sure as hell didn't want to tell him about what Nori and I had been doing. Those details would likely give the poor man a heart attack.

“You look like you're feeling better.”

Tactful, yes. Tentative, no.

“I am,” I admitted. “Nori said my bandages would all be off within the next week or so, and PT is going well.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “And before you ask, yes, I have been doing my exercises even when Kipp isn't here.”

A pleased smile curved the priest's lips. “Excellent. I was right then, to bring her here.”

I raised an eyebrow as I reached across the table and snagged a grape from the bowl. “Careful, there, Father. Pride's a sin.” I popped the fruit into my mouth.

His eyes shone. “Do you know how long I've been praying to hear you make one of your smart-aleck comments?”

I looked away, feeling ashamed again. This time, however, it wasn't because of Nori, but rather the father. He'd saved my life, taken care of me, been the only family I had left. I'd known these past few months hadn't been easy on him, but there was a difference between knowing it and facing it directly.

“Hey.” He reached across the table and put his hand over mine. “You've been through a lot, kid. Don't feel guilty for taking time to get your head together.”

“It's still not completely together,” I admitted and glanced at him. “But I'm not at
that
place anymore.”

I knew I didn't have to clarify. He knew exactly what I meant.

“Good.” He pulled his hand back and reached for the cereal. “Since Miss Prinz hasn't contacted me about leaving at the end of the week, I'm hoping that means she's planning to stay permanently.”

“I won't need a nurse much longer,” I said, trying to keep my voice flat. “I doubt she'll want to stay on just to do the housework and cook. She'll probably leave when I don't need her anymore.”

I'd always need her, I knew that now, but it wasn't in a way she'd want.

The priest's eyes narrowed, and I mentally cursed myself for forgetting how observant he was.

“You care about her.”

I considered lying, but I'd been trying so hard to figure out what to do, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask for advice. “I do.”

Father O'Toole grinned at me as he poured milk onto his bran flakes. “It's about time.”

I blinked. Okay, not the reaction I'd expected. “What?”

The father shook his head, giving me that amused expression that he reserved for when I was being particularly thick-headed. “I knew she wasn't simply getting through to you because she was kind. I know you, kid. You've been falling for her almost from moment one.”

How the hell had he figured it out before me? I stared at him.

“Why do you think she was the one I called?”

“But she's my nurse.” I wasn't sure why that was the first thing I thought of.

The priest's smile widened. “Not exactly. The ethics of the thing might be a bit...murky, but you're both consenting adults.” He winked at me. “You know I don't condone that sort of behavior, but if it gets you out of that state you were in, I'm all for it.”

“But she...” Shit. My peaceful breakfast with Father O'Toole was quickly turning into something way too complex for first thing in the morning. “I mean, it's not like she feels the same way.”

“How do you know?” Father O'Toole asked. “Have you talked to her?”

“Hell no!” I flushed. “Sorry.”

He sprinkled some blueberries onto his cereal and took another bite. “Why not?”

“Why not what?” I asked. My food sat in front of me, but I wasn't hungry anymore.

“Why haven't you talked to her? How else are you supposed to know what she's thinking?”

“You're seriously going to give me romantic advice?”

“I'm giving you advice that's applicable to all relationships, including the romantic kind,” he countered. “Assumptions don't do anyone any good. You need to talk to her, tell her that you care about her, and give her the opportunity to decide for herself what she wants.”

My chest tightened as I shook my head. “I can't do that. If she knows, she'll leave, and I'd rather have her here and not knowing, then knowing and back in Texas.”

“But what if she feels the same way?” The father's voice was gentle.

“She doesn't,” I said. “She can't.”

“Why?” he asked. “Does she already have someone in her life?”

“No,” I admitted reluctantly. “They broke up.”

“So then there's nothing to keep you from finding out.”

“She won’t want me, Father,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice. “Look at her and then look at me. She deserves someone she can be proud to stand beside. Not a monster.”

“Xavier Hammond.”

Shit. The full name. That was never good.

Father O'Toole's voice was sharp as he continued, “You are no monster. I will not have you talking about yourself like that.”

I brushed the words aside. Nothing I could say or do would convince him otherwise, so there was no point in arguing. “It doesn't matter,” I said. “Because I look like this, and this isn't a fairy tale.”

There was silence for a moment before the father spoke again. This time, his words were quiet, but they hit me hard nonetheless. “You're doing that girl a grave disservice, thinking that she's so shallow she'd reject you simply because you have some scars. Maybe you're right. Maybe she deserves someone who thinks better of her than you apparently do.”

His words echoed in my head long after our meal was done and he was gone.

Dammit.

I really hated when he was right.