Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (16 page)

O
h
shit
!

Shit!

The word stuck in a loop in my head as I watched Nori run from the room. Okay, so she wasn't really running, but she wasn't exactly strolling either. It was clear she wanted to get as far away from me as possible, as quickly as possible.

And I couldn't blame her.

What a fucking idiot! What was I thinking? Except I knew what I'd been thinking, and it had nothing to do with common sense or logic.

From the moment she'd walked in the room, I'd wanted to kiss her. Hell, I was pretty sure I'd wanted to kiss her from the first time I'd seen her. If not that exact moment, then only because of the pain I'd been in. It had definitely been before I'd left the hospital.

It hadn't been too difficult to restrain myself there, since I'd known she'd never see me outside a hospital bed. I'd leave and never see her again. Then she'd shown up here, and I'd tried focusing on anything but her. I didn't want to see her think of me as an invalid, as someone who needed to be babysat. Then she'd suggested this whole crazy Dom / Sub idea, and everything had changed. She wanted to help me feel like a man again, to get some part of my life back.

When she'd walked in tonight, I tried to remind myself that we weren't going to have sex, that this wasn't about any sort of physical pleasure. It was about teaching me things I could use sexually in the future if I wanted, letting me have control over at least one part of my life again.

When she started following the orders I'd given, I wasn’t able to deny that it'd been a heady feeling. I hadn't planned on having her untie her dress, but the order had just come out, as if I wanted to keep pushing until she told me to stop. But she'd done it, and I hadn't been able to keep my eyes to myself.

It'd thrown me off, and not only because of how gorgeous she was. I'd suddenly been aware of how the two of us would look together. Out in public. Where people could see us. Definitely a beauty and her beast. That was why, I knew, it'd been easy for her to do this without sex. She wouldn't even be tempted by me.

I tried to walk away then, save us both the embarrassment of the situation, but she stopped me. I'd reacted on instinct, and the moment I'd taken her hand and put it on my cheek, I'd known that I was about to do something reckless and stupid.

I'd felt her surprise when I kissed her, then felt her yield. It was my turn to be surprised then, but it hadn't kept me from using it to my advantage. Her lips had been so soft under mine, her nails wonderfully sharp against my scalp.

It was everything I imagined it could be. Better, actually. Easily one of the best kisses I'd ever experienced.

When she moved away from me, I'd seen the horrified expression on her face. That was enough to keep me frozen in place while she hurried out. Now, I was staring at the empty doorway and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. How I could fix this.

I should've walked away even after she grabbed my arm. Or, better yet, I shouldn't have even let myself get involved in the first place. It'd just been so long since I'd felt anything good that I found myself clinging to what I had with her. But I should've just been satisfied with her friendship, with the fact that she wanted to help me. Instead, I'd pushed, and now I'd lost her. She'd leave for sure now.

If she left –
when
she left – I wouldn't be able to keep my head above water. It was too hard alone, and I couldn't ask Father O'Toole to stay with me all the time. I doubted even his presence would do anything more than keep me alive. It certainly wouldn't make me want to live. Not like she did.

With the black looming again, my paralysis broke, and I took a step toward the hallway. Then I hesitated, not knowing what I should do. How was I supposed to make it right with her? Convince her to stay? I'd stepped over the lines she'd drawn, invaded her personal space. Lost her trust.

I needed to get it back. Even if she didn't want to continue this Dom / Sub thing, I needed her to trust that I wouldn't come near her again. I just needed her to stay.

She said she'd seen something in me that told her I'd be a good Dom, but I was starting to doubt her. There was something inside me that liked the dominating part of things, but I knew the truth. I was too weak to be a Dom, too weak to be the sort of man she thought I was. I'd always been good at pretending to be stronger than I was. Now, I couldn't even do that.

I hated myself for it. For violating her trust like that, for needing her so much. But there was no going back to change what happened. And if I didn't convince her to stay, I'd be back where I was before.

I had to try.

I made my way upstairs, wondering what I was going to say. By the time I knocked a second time, I still didn't know. Then she was opening the door, her dress tied again, her face blank. Her eyes were red, though, and I cursed myself for having made her cry.

“May I come in?” I asked. “I'd like to apologize.”

She didn't say anything, but she stepped out of the way so I took that as an invitation. I hadn't been up here since the father had redone things, but I didn't bother looking around. All of my attention was on the young woman in front of me.

“I was out of line,” I said quickly, wanting to speak before she did. “You set the boundaries, and I didn't respect them. I'm sorry.”

She started shaking her head before I finished and my stomach clenched painfully. She didn't want to hear it. I'd waited too long. Gone too far. I'd lost the small bit of light I had.

“You don't need to apologize,” she said. Her voice was soft and she couldn't look at me.

I resisted the urge to reach for her. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't think she'd want my touch. She hadn't wanted it before I kissed her, and I was sure she definitely didn't want it now.

“Yes, I do,” I insisted. “It was wrong of me to kiss you like that.”

“I'm the one who was wrong,” she said, her voice firmer now. “I never should have put you in that position. I knew it wasn't appropriate, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of–”

“Excuse me?” I bristled, temper flaring. “Are you seriously telling me that you took advantage of me? Like I'm some virgin on prom night?”

“That's not what I meant.” Her cheeks turned red. “I meant, I'm your nurse...I mean, sort of, but enough...”

“Stop!” The word came out harsher than I intended, but it did what I wanted. She stopped talking. In fact, she stopped everything and stared up at me, her eyes wide. “I'm not a child, Nori, and I'm not so fucked up that you have to blame yourself for anything. I knew what I was doing.”

“I didn't mean...” she sighed. “Dammit. I didn't mean it to sound like that.”

I looked away from her, like I was actually interested in how the bedroom was decorated. “It doesn't matter,” I said, keeping my voice flat. “I shouldn't have done it. It's been a while since I've kissed anyone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

I hated myself for trying to act like the kiss hadn't meant anything to me, like I would've kissed any woman who'd gotten close enough, but she had to think that it didn't matter. If she knew how I really felt, how much I wanted her, she'd run back to Texas and I'd never see her again. I couldn't let that happen, so I said what she needed to hear.

“It won't happen again,” I promised.

And I wouldn't let it. If I wanted something in my life to control, this would be it: pretending that I didn't feel anything beyond friendship for Nori.

“So we just go back to the way things were?” she asked. “Like I never made this crazy suggestion in the first place?”

That'd be the smart thing to do, I knew, and I almost agreed. She'd go back to cleaning the house, checking on my bandages, making sure I did my exercises. I'd go back to being an asshole ninety percent of the time. It'd be easier, that was for sure. But I didn't want to be like that.

“Can I make a counter offer?” I found myself asking. If she didn't want to, I'd let it go, but I had to ask, or I'd regret it.

“Okay?” She cocked her head, curiosity written on her face. “What is it?”

“We pretend like what happened downstairs stopped right before I did something stupid,” I said. “And we make plans to have another...session so you can teach me more.”

There was silence as I waited for her answer, and I tried not to let anything I felt show on my face. She had to think that my interest was in learning, not in her. She had to think that I wanted to use this with other women, though the thought of that didn't appeal to me at all. I didn't want to be with anyone but her.

“Okay,” she said finally. “We can keep working, but we're going to stick to the rules from here on out. If either of us crosses the line again, we'll be done.”

“Agreed,” I said immediately. It wasn't like I had to worry about her breaking any of the rules. She'd only reacted to what I'd done.

She probably only kissed me back so I wouldn't feel bad. A pity kiss.

The thought made me sick.

I
couldn't stop thinking
about that stupid kiss.

And I tried. Over the next couple days, I tried everything in my power to forget. I worked my ass off cooking, packing the fridge and freezer with prepared meals and sweets until there wasn't any room left. I exercised until every muscle in my body ached. I cleaned every single inch of the house.

Three times.

By Sunday afternoon, every part of my body hurt, and I was no closer to getting X's kiss out of my head. I could feel his lips on mine, taste him, hear the sounds he made. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see the look in his eyes just before his lips claimed mine. That raw wanting.

And then I could hear him a few minutes later when he said that it hadn't meant anything. When he'd asked if we could pretend his momentary lapse in judgment hadn't happened. Then asked if we could continue our sessions.

I'd agreed, of course. How could I do anything else? I had to save him.

Even if it was going to be...difficult to keep myself in check. I couldn't let my personal feelings get in the way of what I needed to do.

Fortunately, I'd had a lot of practice over the years when it came to putting others' needs in front of my own. And for X, I had no problem doing it again.

I knew it wasn't exactly healthy, me acting like it was my responsibility to save X because I hadn't been able to save Logan, but the thought of him hurting himself because I'd walked away wasn't an option. No matter what the consequences were for me.

I just had to be more careful about things, that was all.

When I went down to X's floor the day after the kiss to help Kipp dress the few remaining spots on X that needed attention, it was clear that he was thinking along the same lines. Things between us felt awkward, off, as if we'd thrown our usual rhythm out of whack. On Saturday, things were a bit better, and on Sunday, even more so. Better enough that I felt comfortable with suggesting to X that we have another session Monday night.

Monday afternoon, when I walked into the therapy room, things between the two of us had shifted again. I felt the difference. We still had some caution between us, but it no longer felt like I was walking on eggshells.

“How did things go today?” I kept the question general so that either Kipp or X could answer.

“Pretty well,” Kipp said. He gave me a wide smile. “I'm guessing that means he's been keeping up with things on the days I'm not here.”

I glanced at X and saw him frowning. “He is,” I answered as I crossed over to where he was sitting. “Let's get those bandages off and see how things look.”

X didn't move as I began to peel off the few dressings that remained. I made myself focus on the skin, the wounds, checking for infection or any other signs of trauma. I couldn't think about the fact that he was shirtless, or the way I remembered his hair feeling against my fingers.

“I think we can leave this one off,” I said as I examined a spot on his chest that had required some extra care. “Looks like the skin's healed well enough now, as long as you're careful and it doesn't tear.”

The one on his back was still a little too raw to go uncovered, but it was healing well also. Probably another day or so and he'd be able to have that one removed too. The ones on his side and on his arm would still need care for at least a few weeks longer. They'd gotten infected a couple days after the accident and were taking more time to fully heal. By the end of the month, however, he probably wouldn't require any additional assistance and his PT sessions could be cut down to just the days Kipp could come by.

That meant he wouldn't need me. Sure, he'd probably still have a ways to go before his stamina was back to where it was, so taking care of the house wouldn't be easy, but if he wanted me to leave, I wouldn't be able to give a good reason why I should stay.

I wondered if that was some sort of sign, some higher power telling me that my time here was still limited and that I shouldn't let myself get too involved.

“What's the verdict?” Kipp asked as I tossed the last bandage into the trash.

“Couple more weeks,” I said. I glanced at X, but he wasn't looking at me. “As long as you take it easy.”

X gave me a nod to acknowledge that he'd heard me, and then he was heading for the door, I assumed to take a shower before I put the new bandages on.

“He's different,” Kipp said.

I looked over at the therapist to find his expression uncharacteristically serious. “What do you mean?”

“I'm not quite sure, but he's working harder, and it's not because he's angry. I mean, yeah, he's pissed off still, and I don't blame him, but he's not like he was even just last week. Something's changed.”

I didn't respond. How could I when I was pretty sure I knew what had prompted the change. It was what I'd wanted, the entire point behind my idea. Knowing that it was working made me even more determined to see things through tonight.

I
didn't
bother with a dress this time since I already knew that I'd be stripping down to my underwear. My robe worked just as well. Underneath, I wore another set of plain cotton panties and matching bra. These were dark blue, but not even close to fancy or sexy, even though I did love the way the color looked against my skin.

I pushed those thoughts back. I had to focus. As long as we stuck to the rules, things would be fine.

He was waiting in the living room again and turned from the window when I walked in. If he had any thoughts about me wearing a robe instead of a dress, he didn't voice them.

“Tonight is going to be about your partner,” I said. “It's a little different than in a regular sexual encounter. Then,
no
and
stop
mean exactly that. Pain and embarrassment aren't negotiable. For a Dom and Sub, however, those things aren't exactly true. Safe words are the only things that really mean
no
and
stop
, and unless you and your partner are purposefully pushing those limits, you should be able to read her well enough to restrain yourself before it gets to that point.”

“Your safe word is
ruby
, right?”

I nodded. “That's good that you remembered. That's another reason why having a safe word is such a good thing. Regular words sometimes get lost in the heat of the moment, but when a Sub says something completely out of context, it tends to get more attention.”

“What happens if a Sub forgets her safe word?” he asked.

The fact that he was asking these sorts of questions was good. He was thinking things through, considering scenarios.

“It happens,” I said. “But usually only with new Subs. I'd recommend steering clear of them until you've done this for a while.”

I ignored the twinge of jealousy at the thought of him being experienced enough to take on a new Sub. To train a woman the way Tanner had trained me...

Shit.

I forced myself to focus again.

“Part of this is knowing what you want. Before, we dealt with limits when it came to you, how you wanted to be touched, permissions, and all that. But you also have to know what you want from your Sub in regards to her body. Knowing that determines how restrained you have to be, how fast you can go with a partner.”

“What do you mean?”

I untied my robe and shrugged out of it, leaving it on the floor. The tension in the air shifted, and I couldn't look at X as I walked over to the couch.

“How rough you like it might not be how rough a Sub likes it. Just because someone's into this lifestyle doesn't necessarily mean he or she is into pain.” I stretched out on the couch and kept my eyes on the ceiling as I folded my hands on my stomach. “You need to know what sort of things turn you on. Pinching, sucking, hair pulling.” I felt my entire body heating up. “Do you want to hold her tight? Tie her up? Use toys on her? Spank her?”

I couldn't believe I'd managed to say any of this without completely giving away how much the idea of him doing any of those things to me turned me on.

“How...” He stopped and cleared his throat. “How am I supposed to figure any of that out?”

“You're going to practice,” I said. “Earlier today, I brought down a yardstick. It's leaning against the wall over there.” I gestured. “You're going to use that to touch me.”

I ignored the fluttering in my belly.

“What you want to do with it will tell you a great deal about the sort of things you like,” I said. “So you're going to practice on me. Unless I use my safe word, you're okay. The lesson here is two-fold. What you want, and how to tell the difference between a good sort of pain, and when someone really wants you to stop.”

Silence fell for several seconds and I wondered if I pushed too far. It was a risk, I knew, but he had to see the submission part of things to truly understand what it meant to be in control.

“Roll over.” His voice was rough, but there was no malice in his tone.

I rolled onto my stomach and folded my arms under my head, resting my forehead on them. My entire body was coiled in anticipation.

He started with my feet, lightly running the edge of the yardstick along the bottoms, causing me to squirm.

“Ticklish?”

I nodded, biting my bottom lip to keep from laughing.

He kept at it, tracing patterns on the soles until I couldn't keep it in any longer. I kicked my leg out and he grabbed my ankle.

“Stop!” I laughed as he held my foot down and kept teasing me. I felt him hesitate at the word, but he didn't stop.

He was getting the hang of it.

He released my ankle and started to make his way up my legs. I twitched when he got to the back of my knees, but he didn't pause there. Instead, he continued until he reached the top of my thigh. I'd said before that we wouldn’t be touching anywhere that was covered by underwear, but that was one of the reasons I'd brought down the yard stick. It was a technicality, but one I'd overlook if he was brave enough to try.

“Did you buy this?” he asked suddenly. “The yardstick, I mean.”

I nodded.

“Why?”

“For tonight.”

“Why a yard stick?” he asked. “I get not wanting to have sex toys lying around the house, but why this?”

I swallowed hard but gave him the truth. Part of it anyway. “I've used one before.” I couldn't tell him that when I bought it, I imagined what it would be like to have him use it in the same creative ways Tanner had.

“With Tanner.” It wasn't a question.

I nodded.

Then gasped as the wood came down on my ass. It wasn't really hard enough to hurt, but it caught me off guard. He did it again and I squeezed my eyes closed. Fuck. I'd forgotten how much that stung.

And how good it felt when the heat spread across my skin.

He brought it down two more times, and the last one made me yelp.

Immediately, X was kneeling down next to me. His hand slid across my back, fingers brushing against the top of my panties as if he wanted to run his hand over the places he'd just struck.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

I raised my head, pushing myself up on my elbows. “Did I say my safe word?”

He shook his head.

“Then you weren't doing anything I wasn't allowing to happen.” I rolled onto my side, my pulse skipping when X's hand moved with me, sliding around to my side. “When it comes to pain, I'm about in the middle. Some Subs prefer humiliation. Some are more into bondage. It all depends on the person. But you have to be comfortable giving them what they need if it's going to work. If you don't think you could whip or spank someone until they're bruised, then you'll want to stay away from the Subs who need that.”

He stood, shaking his head. “I don't see how hurting someone you're supposed to care about is a good thing.”

I stood, shivering as fabric moved across now-sensitized skin. I looked up at X and tried not to read into what he'd said about caring. “That's not what's happening.”

He raised an eyebrow, and I saw he didn't believe me. “Okay, let me put it this way. Do you like it when a woman scratches your back?”

He looked startled. “What?”

I held up my hand and curled my nails toward him. I didn't touch him though. With the things I was about to say, that wouldn't be smart. “When you're with someone, and she runs her nails down your back, digs them in, it hurts, doesn't it? But do you like it?” My eyes darted to his mouth, then back to his eyes. “Or if she bites your lip?”

The air between us thickened, and I knew I was treading a dangerous line.

“Biting, scratching. They can cause pain, but when they're done right, they can make things more intense.” I dropped my hand. “Some people are just wired to enjoy it. And that's the point. A Dom wants to enjoy himself, get off, but his or her primary concern is to bring the Sub pleasure. Sometimes it can seem like the Dom is using the Sub, or even being cruel. But it's about meeting the Sub's needs as well as the Dom's. A true Dom / Sub relationship is where both partners understand and fulfill what the other needs.”

He held my gaze for a few moments after I fell silent, and then he took a step back. He nodded. “I get it.” He turned away and walked back over to the window. “I think we're good for tonight.”

His tone wasn't harsh, but I knew I'd been dismissed. I grabbed my robe from the floor and pulled it on as I left, trying not to feel like I'd just been rejected.