Ditch (4 page)

Mrs Peel
(
To
Burns
.
) One a' your dogs has been in here last night and had itself a free for all. I had a deer's tongue in a little dish over there, marinadin' in some vinegar and garlic over night –

Burns
Vinegar and garlic?

Mrs Peel
I don't appreciate feedback on my cookin'. I walk in here, dish is tipped over, and No Tongue. Best bit too.

Burns
Yer can say that again.

Mrs Peel
dislikes
Burns
's tone and lets him know it.

Burns
I'll tell 'em to be more careful when tyin' 'em up at night.

Mrs Peel
Damn good kick up the goolies is what it needs.

Burns
You got one less bag a' flour and no coffee.

Mrs Peel
You got tea?

Burns
nods.

Mrs Peel
You checked it? Cause last time they diddled yer.

Burns
Everythin' else is there.

Mrs Peel
shifts her attention back to
Megan
.

Mrs Peel
Most a' what you gonna be doin' is sowin', waterin' and harvestin'. But you'll need to have the eye a' the hawk about you at all times. Why? Cause you're on the look out for Fungus . . .

James
enters with the last of the supplies.

Mrs Peel
And he comes in all shapes and guises. Mould, mildew, black spot. You see any sign a' Fungus you come to me.

James
looks at the seeds on the table.

Mrs Peel
You see a bird pullin' at the tops a' my spring opinions, a hare helpin' itself to my cabbages, a slug suckin' up my salad (
turns on
James
) what d'you do?

James
I come to you?

Mrs Peel
Wrong.

Mrs Peel
edges towards
James
.

Mrs Peel
You nip it in the bud right there and then. You take your hand! a rock! a shovel! and you do whatever it takes.

Burns
Any chance a' some breakfast? Been up and out at dawn gettin' this lot.

Mrs Peel
Megan, make Burns some breakfast.

Mrs Peel
starts putting the supplies away.
Megan
makes the breakfast. Secret glances are shared between
James
and
Megan
in the silence. Burns switches the radio on.

Radio
The government has announced today that more vouchers will be distributed (
Tunes . .
.) Intervals of showers (
Tunes . . .
) Terror and dread fell upon them by the might of your arm. (
Tunes . . .
) And finally may we remind Civilians that there is a strong UV warning tomorrow . . . (
Tunes . . . crazy sermon
.) The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me!
–

Burns
switches it off.

Mrs Peel
Evangelicals, nuttier than a squirrel's fart.

Burns
Spoutin' their horse shit on every network.

James
Same on the streets too.

Burns
Man wants to eat his breakfast and listen to the news.

Mrs Peel
Aint broadcast nothin' true in years.

Turner
and
Bug
enter, sweating and soiled from shovelling, they zoom in on the supplies.

Burns
They don't say the half a' it, I know that.

Turner
(
Pulls out the whiskey
.) Arh yes!

James
Dint even announce that bomb in Leeds.

Everyone turns to
James
. Beat.

Turner
What?

Burns
Bomb in Leeds?

Turner
What did you just say?

Bug
Leeds has been bombed!

James
No.

Turner
What did you just say!

Beat.

James
(
Quietly.
) That bomb in Leeds at Security Headquarters. Thought you knew.

Burns
When did this happen?

James
Four . . . five week ago.

Bug
Four, five week ago!

Turner
A' you takin' the piss out a' us?

James
What?

Turner
I said a' you takin' the piss out a' us?

James
No.

Turner
Think you can say bullshit and we'll believe you?

Burns
What happened?

James
A bomb went off –

Turner
We know that!

Burns
Who set it off?

James
Civilians.

Pause.

Bug
Civilians?

Burns
How'd they get inta Headquarters?

James
They blew off the gates.

Turner
How'd they get a bomb?

James
They made it.

Burns
And then what?

James
They sieged the Headquarters.

Beat.

Turner
Sieged?

Burns
How many were they?

James
Eight.

Bug
Eight Civilians sieged a' Headquarters?

Turner
What were the Security doin'!

James
(
Shrugs.
) Sleepin' mostly.

Turner
You tryin' to be funny?

James
It was night, they took 'em by surprise and opened fire.

Bug
What?

James
They had guns, worked in an arms factory.

Turner
And what? We payin' 'em with arms now!

Bug
They'll a smuggled 'em out.

Turner
I know that.

Burns
What was the damage?

James
Communication lines destroyed, women's records burnt, twelve Security dead.

Beat.

Turner
What happened to the eight?

James
Six dead and two executed.

Bug
Why dint we know about this?

Turner
How did you find out?

James
Been told, word a' it spread amongst the Security.

Turner
But nothin' official came through?

James
shakes his head.

Burns
Playin' down the threat.

Bug
What d'you mean?

Burns
There was always gonna come a day when they'd rise.

Turner
(
To
Bug
.
) Eight dead, dint rise at all.

Burns
It just the beginnin'.

Turner
(
To
Bug
.
) They failed.

Burns
They'll do it again.

Turner
(
To
Burns
.)
It one incident.

Burns
You call that an incident?

Turner
It dint change nothin'.

Bug
Twelve Security dead?

Turner
We soldiers, soldiers die.

Bug
Yeah but overseas.

Burns
War just got closer.

Turner
Ah for fucks sake, eight Civilians!

Bug
You think it gonna lead to that?

Turner
(
To
Bug
.
) Would you shut up!

Burns
It been eight but more will follow.

Turner
They aint never fought back.

Burns
When the elections were cancelled they did.

Turner
And after that day they never done it again.

Pause.
Turner
,
Burns
and
Bug
become very aware of
Mrs Peel
.

Turner
What did the Civilians a' Leeds do James, after this here
siege
?

James
What d'you mean?

Turner
They dint run on over there and join in?

James
No.

Turner
They dint try again in the weeks that followed?

James
(
Shakes his head
.)

Turner
No. They've accepted how things are, same as they accepted how things were gonna be all them years ago, and they aint never done nothin' about it between. (
To
Bug
.) Bring some a' that whiskey out with us.

Bug
lifts out a bottle.

James
They were young, the eight.

Turner
Makes no difference.

Bug
and
Turner
make to leave.

James
Think they angry.

Turner
Eight angry teenagers . . . (
Whistles.
) the times we livin' in.

James
Weren't teenagers, been about my age.

Turner
Now I'm really shittin' it.

Burns
It gonna be us they'll come for.

Bug
But we're doin' our job.

Turner
We're here cause the country needed to us be.

Burns
Weren't meant to become this.

Turner
Everythin' we done had to be done.

Bug
What were the government supposed to do?

Turner
We aint here cause a' some ideology.

Burns
Oh I know that, there are no ideas anymore.

Turner
There's the Recovery!

Beat.

Turner
And we're here to ensure that that happens.

Turner
makes to leave.

Burns
We've got the same debt as a third world country, Turner.

Turner
We are no third world country.

Burns
We could a' prepared for what was to come whilst we still had the money to do so, but no, no, he signed us up to war and debt.

Turner
Don't blame him when it was every other prick in office before him.

Burns
Debt to fight wars that aint even ours.

Turner
Aint ours? The cunts turned the tap off!

Burns
We did not need to join them. And now we'll never be free. We can't pay them back, and they don't want us too. They'd rather have us like this . . . a colony.

Turner
You're gettin' our enemies mixed up.

Burns
They are not our ally.

Turner
And they're not our enemy. Take one look at history and it'll tell you that, yeah, they can be a nasty cunt, but not to us. They always been on our side and when this is over they'll help us with the Recovery.

Burns
There's no Recovery!

Turner
This is England!

Burns
This is not England!

Turner
Then what's your Brian fightin' for if it's not his country?

Burns
My lads not fightin' for his country.

Turner
walks away.

Burns
He's fightin' for a pipe.

Turner
storms off and
Bug
follows.

Burns
They're fightin' for whatever's left!

Burns
belts back a long drink. Silence.

Mrs Peel
Like strawberry pie, Burns?

Burns
What?

Mrs Peel
You like strawberry pie?

Burns
Never had it.

Mrs Peel
Megan, fetch me a tin a' strawberries for Burn's pie.

Megan
leaves.
Mrs Peel
looks at
James
, he leaves.

Mrs Peel
Ask you a question, Burns?

Burns
Everybody else has.

Mrs Peel
Why a' you in the Security?

Burns
Ask me another.

Mrs Peel
You regret it?

Beat.

Burns
My granddad was a coal miner. Started on the shovel at seventeen. Worked down there till he was fifty five. Lungs packed up when he was fifty nine. He was not a morbid man but over the years he often spoke about his death. Said, I spent most a' my life underground, and when I'm dead, don't put me back down there. (
Turns to
Mrs Peel
) We buried him.

Mrs Peel
Why?

Burns
Couple a' month before his funeral, he goes to someone else's. My grandma's sat with him in the crematorium. The sad music starts, the doors raised, the coffin gets half way in. My granddad walks out. Grandma leaves when its over, finds him waitin' outside. First thing he says to her, I spent most a' my life down there, and when I'm dead, I'm goin' back down there.

Mrs Peel
Which one does that answer?

Burns
Both.

They share a smile.
Mrs Peel
walks away.

Burns
How about whippin' up some cream for my pie Mrs P?

Mrs Peel
I don't do requests or suggestions, Burns. Nor do I do abbreviations. I'm Mrs Peel, always.

Megan
enters with the tin.

Mrs Peel
Pie'll be ready this evenin'.

Burns
leaves.

Megan
They never shouted like that.

Mrs Peel
They ballin' all the time.

Megan
Never shouted about them things. Think he said, should a' prepared. You been told what would happen.

Mrs Peel
What a' you sayin' Megan?

Megan
gives the tin to
Mrs Peel
.

Megan
This pie just for Burns?

Mrs Peel
He havin' the first slice.

Megan
Can I have the second?

Mrs Peel
You can have a' slice too.

Megan
Can I help make it?

Mrs Peel
You wash the slaughter house floor first.

Megan
nods with pursed lips.

Mrs Peel
You get their uniforms in a tub.

Megan
nods with pursed lips.