Ditch (2 page)

Megan
Just to come back again.

Beat.

Megan
You could wait here?

James
I'm not botherin' you?

Megan
I just finished. Well . . . almost.

Megan
's eyes narrow on a supposed blemish on the floor.

Megan
Missed a bit.

Megan
takes steps forwards with the mop.

James
It's Megan?

Megan
abandons the idea of mopping.

Megan
Yeah.

They move towards one another almost imperceptibly.

James
I'm –

Megan
James.

James
Yeah.

They smile, look down at the floor and edge back again in embarrassment.

Megan
What you come here for?

James
Boilin' water. Thought I'd have a shave.

Megan
When's your birthday?

James
Twelfth a' April.

Megan
Just passed.

James
nods.

Megan
Shame.

James
Why's that?

Megan
You get a bath on your birthday. I had mine too, tenth a' January.

Beat.

Megan
I spent the whole evenin' in mine. Must a' been in it for five hours. Mrs Peel kept bringin' me more hot water each time it went cold and by the end a' it the bath was so full it covered every inch a' me. Then I did somethin' I never done before, to make it special. I opened my eyes in the water, like I was swimmin'. And then, at the very end, I put a jug a' milk in it. (
Shrugs.
) Made my tits soft.

Mrs Peel
enters. She glares at them.

Megan
He just waitin' for the floor to dry.

Mrs Peel
Looks bone dry to me.

Megan
I'll put that pan a' water on.

James
I'll come back later.

James
makes to leave.

Mrs Peel
Before you do I'm gonna say a few things about the handlin' a this place that we women see too. Burns may a' told you some a' this already but I'm gonna say it anyway. Cause I like to tell it and Megan here, she like to hear it.

First off. We got plenty to do around here. There aint no idle time for me and her till I give it, aint that right Megan?

Megan
nods.

Mrs Peel
We got livestock to see to, cleanin' to be done, and meals to be made. You get your breakfast, one cup a' coffee and the pleasure a' me in here at eight. You campin' out and need some food with yer, you come to me about it. Otherwise you get your dinner in here at seven at and it'll be served by
me
. You like deer?

James
opens his mouth to speak . . .

Mrs Peel
Cause it's gonna come fried, boiled, smoked, roasted, dried, burnt and raw. (
Lowers her gaze to his groin.
) Every a' inch a' it too. I don't do requests or suggestions, come dinner you get what you get. Same as outside we get toiletry supplies once a month. I recommend you use two sheets a' paper for a piss and three for a shit. We don't grow toilet paper, when it's gone it's gone. Any questions?

Mrs Peel
's eyes narrow onto
James
frame.

Mrs Peel
You're gonna need to thicken up for the winter. We feel it out here, gets inta your bones, worth it for the clean air though. I'll see to it that I skim the butterfat, get plenty of milk in yer.

James
How'd yer get fresh milk?

Mrs Peel
From a cow's tit.

James
Aint had fresh milk since I been a kid.

Mrs Peel
We set up alright here.

James
You must a' had a farm or somethin' before?

Mrs Peel
There's one more thing for me to tell and I only gonna say it once. I've listened to all the stories a' my generation, then watched 'em get sick or fade away. And it wasn't this world that killed 'em. It was the other. The memory of it. Now. I'm fifty eight, still standin', with nothin' more than a bit a' ring worm. We don't talk about the past here.

Mrs Peel
stares at
James
.
James
leaves quietly.
Megan
rushes to the stove.

Mrs Peel
What a' you doin'?

Megan
He forgot the water.

Mrs Peel
He dint forget. He decided he dint want it after all.

Mrs Peel
glares at
Megan
.
Burns
enters.

Burns
Mornin'.

Mrs Peel
Afternoon.

Burns
Suppose it is. We kept yer awake last night?

Mrs Peel
Nothin' disturbs my beauty sleep.

Burns
Cause us men were goin' for it.

Mrs Peel
That aint kept me awake yet.

Burns
sits and picks horse shit off his boot,
Megan
watches it fall to the floor.

Burns
How long for that deer?

Mrs Peel
It aint bled out yet.

Burns
Couple a' hours?

Mrs Peel
I gotta gut her too.

Burns
Three yer say?

Mrs Peel
Then I gotta skin her.

Burns
How long?

Mrs Peel
Four, butcherin's hard work.

Burns
Wanted the boy to have some meat ‘for he goes out.

Mrs Peel
Got some dried arse rashers.

Burns
That the best you can do? Still, better than what everyone else has. Can I get a tea?

Megan
looks up from the floor and prepares the tea.

Mrs Peel
It better, but we could have more.

Mrs Peel
brings out a potato from her apron.

Mrs Peel
(
Sniffs with pride.
) Now there's this here tater.

Burns
stands,
Megan
rushes over,
Mrs Peel
guards her potato jealously.

Mrs Peel
It early, but it right enough.

Megan
I can smell it.

Burns
I can taste it.

Megan
We gonna roast 'em?

Burns
We havin' em mashed.

Megan
Mashed taters and deer!

Burns
How many a' down there?

Mrs Peel
This is it.

Beat.

Burns
You sown one tater?

Mrs Peel
It the only ‘en to survive.

Burns
and
Megan
walk away.

Mrs Peel
This here's, the beginnin'.

Burns
sits down.

Mrs Peel
If I can get one I can get more. That plot a' land by the stables, that's the sod I sown this in. That sod would yield a crop.

Burns
We an outpost here, Mrs Peel. Not a farm.

Mrs Peel
Most a' the works preparin' the land, but then we'd be set.

Burns
Need a plough to do that.

Mrs Peel
Spades'd do the work of a plough, could get some vegetable plots out a' it too.

Burns
You and Megan'd be spadin' for weeks.

Mrs Peel
Can't wait that long, humidity'll get em like it done before. If we had some extra hands with us . . .

Burns
I aint puttin' my men on a shovel.

Mrs Peel
Me and her'd tend to it after that. Barn's good for storin' what we'd harvest.

Burns
I aint sayin' it again.

Mrs Peel
We could be self sufficient, no more tinned rations.

Burns
Answers no.

Pause.
Mrs Peel
brings out the potato and rubs it.

Mrs Peel
See how the skin's comin' off?

Burns
doesn't look at Mrs Peel.

Mrs Peel
Skin aint had the chance to set firm.

Mrs Peel
sets the potato on the table before
Burns
.

Mrs Peel
Means it's new.

Turner
, worse for wear, and
Bug
enter.

Mrs Peel
Brand new.

Burns
now looks at the potato.

Turner
I got a head as bad as a bastard. Coffee on?

Megan
Doin' it now.

Bug
Is that a spud?

Turner
Need somethin' to settle my gut.

Bug
How come we've got spuds?

Megan
Fetch you some milk?

Turner
ignores
Megan
's offer and looks at the potato on the table.

Turner
Fried taters.

Turner
turns to
Bug
.

Bug
Fried deer.

Bug
turns to
Turner
.

Turner
Fried egg.

Bug
Tin a' beans.

The realisation hits them at the same time.

Bug
That's a full English breakfast!

Turner
Kiss me quick I'm comin'!

Mrs Peel
Tater aint for breakfast.

Mrs Peel
shoves the potato in her apron.

Turner
Why, what a' we havin'?

Mrs Peel
I make it way past eight.

Turner
I make it your job to cater for us.

Beat.
Mrs Peel
lights the stove.

Bug
Where's James?

Turner
He up and around.

Bug
Shall I go get him?

Turner
What a' you askin' me for?

Bug
walks out of the kitchen.

Bug
(
Hollers.
) James! . . . (
Hollers.
) James! . . . (
Hollers.
) James!

Bug
comes back into the kitchen.

Turner
I got a tongue as dry as a horse's hoof, that coffee ready?

Megan
Bringin' it now.

Megan
brings the coffee to the table as
James
enters.

Bug
(
To
James
.
) Breakfast.

James
Thought I'd missed it.

James
sits at the table.

Bug
Slept well?

James
Yeah, I did.

Turner
With them dogs barkin'?

James
Too tired to hear anythin'.

Turner
You must a' heard 'em, Burns?

Burns
What?

Turner
Dogs goin' at it last night. I say we head over to Edale, pitch up there for a couple a' days.

Bug
agrees.

James
Where's Edale?

Turner
North east a' here, about twenty mile. Nothin' to it really, just a straight mile a' cottages runnin' through.

Bug
It been empty a long time, way before the orders came to leave. Been a tourist spot before, droves a' walkers passin' through on weekends, kind a' place southerners retired too.

Turner
What it is is a prime spot for Illegals.

Bug
We check the cottages for any sign a' 'em, blankets, smuts still alive, empty tinned food cans where the sauce aint turned.

Turner
They hole up in 'em before makin' their way just north a' there to the Pennine Way, leads all the way up to the Scottish border. Most a' the time that's where the cunts a' headin', Scotland.

Bug
Thinkin' it better in the north.

Turner
Sometimes I reckon the border restrictions should be lifted for a week.

Mrs Peel
and
Megan
bring in four plates of a dismal breakfast.

Turner
Let all the Civilians in cities and settlements go where ever the fuck they want and see it pretty much the same everywhere. After that they'd be back in their pens and the cunts'd stay put, no more Illegals. (
Grins with a mouthful.
) But then we'd be out of a' job.

Beat.

Turner
That alright with you Burns if we do Edale?

Burns
(
Nods.
) Do a circle on the way back by Kinder Scoutt.

Turner
You takin' James out with you or he comin' with us?

Burns
Me and him's stayin' about here.

Turner
Showed him what there is yesterday.

Burns
There's some work to be done.

Turner
What work?

Burns
Seein' to that plot a' land by the stables.

Mrs Peel
looks over at
Burns
and
Turner
sees her.

Burns
Preparin' it for a crop.

Bug
More spuds?

Burns
Needs to be weeded and spaded first.

Bug
All a' it?

Burns
Me and James'll start her off.

Bug
That's a lot a' shovellin'.

Burns
Youse can take over when you get back, be done in a week or so.

Turner
stands.

Bug
Where you goin'?

Turner
To do my job.

Turner
walks off.
Bug
stands.

Burns
See you in a couple a' days.

Bug
nods and leaves.

Burns
Any good at shovellin' James?

James
Can't say I done it before.

Mrs Peel
enters to clear the plates.

Burns
S'like bein' the batsman in cricket.

James
Can't say I been that either.

Burns
and
James
leave.