Distractions (9 page)

needed you, too?”

My heart grew heavy at his

declaration. I loved him. I knew that

even though I didn’t say it. Every fiber

of my being was tied into the man

holding me. The messed up part of me

kept repeating that I would hurt him, yet

the long forgotten goodness within

shouted for me to let him love me back. I

flipped around so we were chest to chest

and slid my arms around his neck to pull

him close. I would ignore that dark

voice in my head that made me believe I

was undeserving of such affection. For

one week, he was mine and I was his;

there was no room for doubt.

“I need to tell you something,

Shepard.”

I paused for a long time during

which he remained mute, waiting for

what I had to say.

“I have obviously fallen for you –

hard – harder than I could have ever

imagined. You are magnificent. And I am

scared as hell. I could never forgive

myself if I ever hurt you. It’s the one

thing holding me back and I don’t know

how to let go. If I am ever distant, it’s

not because you have done something

wrong, it’s because I am afraid I will.”

I leaned in and kissed his

collarbone, which released the breath he

was holding.

“I am pretty sure I am in love with

you, Violet, and it’s okay because I

know you feel the same way. So let’s

just leave it at that. Don’t over think it.

You will always find something wrong;

it’s the nature of the mind of a scientist.”

He laughed while gently chastising me

for my endless loop of mental analytics.

I nodded in approval before

stopping at what he had said.

“How do you know how I feel?

What makes you so sure?” I was

relieved at his comments, but at the same

time a little confused.

“You talk in your sleep, Violet.

You say some pretty strange things.

However, last night in bed you rolled

next to me and told me that you loved me

and you thanked me. You told me how

much you miss me and how you dream

about me. I thought you were awake for

a moment, and then you started mumbling

about a hard drive. It was really quick

and then you were out again.”

His arms tightened around me as I

nuzzled into his neck. The thought that I

verbalized my internal thoughts even in

sleep scared me more than falling in

love. I had too many secrets that couldn’t

afford to come out. Once again, I pushed

the consequences aside and allowed

myself to succumb to the present. I

focused on the smell of his skin; with

hints of earth, it was fully masculine.

Sweat and salt created a fine layer

between us, permeating every sense.

“I do love you, Shepard. I know it’s

soon, I just can’t help it. It’s been so

long since I have let anyone in; I don’t

know what to do. I am going to need

some help, okay?”

“Just be yourself, Violet. That’s all.

The rest will take care of itself. Now

sleep.” His lips found mine, signaling

the conversation was now over. Despite

the revelation of my unconscious

musings, I fell deeply into a dreamless

void.

The morning sun created the

slightest outline through the dark shades.

Only the sound of the captain’s notice

coming over an intercom let us know

what time it was. Both of us refused to

move, except towards each other to

touch hand against arm or leg. Sleep was

a luxury neither of us enjoyed often; the

world could wait on us for once.

Chapter 8 - Into the

Deep

The week had flown by without

warning. Days of sunning on the deck

and exploring the colorful seas left us

hesitant to return to reality. We had two

more days before landing in San Juan.

Reminiscing about certain fish we saw

while snorkeling or shops we enjoyed

filled most of our interactions.

One of our favorite stops so far had

been to Williamstad, Curacao. The

guidebook I purchased ahead of time

told me about the western hemisphere’s

oldest synagogue. I was not Jewish, but

we both shared a deep respect for

history. I mentioned it to Shepard the

first day and he was eager to explore the

vibrant town with me. After crossing the

Queen Emma Pontoon Bridge, we wove

our way through the brightly colored

buildings and found our way to the house

of worship. Upon entering, Shepard was

instructed to cover his head with the

traditional
kippah.

The floors were covered in sand,

surrounded by white plastered walls and

blue stained glass windows. The

furnishings were a gorgeous polished

mahogany, while gold and glass

chandeliers hung from the ceiling. It was

not elaborate, but it was beautiful.

Outside,

an

ancient

stone
mikvah

remained intact although no longer

functional. The practice of cleansing

oneself spiritually and physically once a

month or during certain celebrations

while honoring the very being of a

woman appealed to me. This age old

ritual continued even today among those

of the faith. A friend of mine once

explained how she would visit an

inconspicuous

building

after

each

menstrual

cycle

and

immaculately

prepare herself for the water, which was

ever flowing. Each of her nails had to be

clipped a certain way, her body

scrubbed clean, and she could not be

wearing any makeup or jewelry. A

woman inspected her to make sure she

had properly prepared herself to enter

the sacred pool. She told me the feeling

she got once she emerged from the brief

submersion in the water was similar to

what Christians might equate a baptism

to, except she was able to experience it

at

least

once

every

month

and

occasionally more often than that. I

wished I could feel that clean.

Shepard held my hand as we made

our way back to the ship. There was a

small bar near the dock where we tasted

a few samples of the island’s famous

orange flavored liquor. I watched him as

he interacted with the small market

vendors that were nearby. So full of life

and energy, he looked to be in his natural

element. He loved to listen, to observe,

and to truly understand what another

person felt. His empathy was admirable.

Stopping to look at me briefly and give a

smile, I waved as he returned his full

attention to the person he was speaking

to. They stood in front of a mobile

wooden cart full of tourist kitsch like

little wooden key chains, flags, and

necklaces. I didn’t see what he had

purchased; I only caught him shaking the

vendor’s hand and walking back with a

plastic bag and a naughty grin.

I pretended to ignore the bag he

placed on the bar while taking the stool

next to me, although I was extremely

curious. It was narcissistic to think it

was for me, then again, I did. He knew it

was killing me because he kept looking

at the bag and then back to me,

chuckling.

“Don’t tease me too much; I have

no reservations in cutting you off.” He

stopped laughing and went to open the

bag, but I reached out to stop him and

smiled.

“I am not that cruel, sweetheart.”

Popping off my stool to lace my arms

around his shoulders, I took in his

piercing blue eyes and freckles that were

emerging across the bridge of his nose

from the sun.

“No, you’re not cruel at all. I don’t

think you have a vicious bone in your

body. It’s one of my favorite things about

you. How do you know what is in the

bag isn’t meant to tease you?”

He was looking for an intrigue. My

attention went back to the inconspicuous

grey shopping bag that didn’t look like it

had much of anything in it. I tried to use

my index finger to peek inside, but

Shepard grabbed my wrist to stop me.

Whatever was inside of that bag was

building a curiosity within, growing

stronger by the moment, and he knew it.

Lifting my hand up to his mouth, he

gently

kissed

each

knuckle

with

intention.

“Let me surprise you.”

My

knees

began

to

buckle

underneath his gaze. His blue eyes

deepened as the dark clouds rolled in.

The ship’s television station announced

we would be sailing through a storm.

Noticing I was looking at the sky

nervously, he gently tugged me towards

the path leading back to the dock.

After moving up the gangway into

the main atrium area toward the

elevators, Shepard stepped back quickly

and told me to head on up without him;

he’d forgotten to grab something he

needed. Thinking nothing of it, I was

tired of all the walking and ready to take

a nap, but first, I wanted to soak for a bit

in the hot tub. I changed into my suit and

left a note for Shepard in case he wanted

to join me. Nearly an hour passed and I

was still alone in the Jacuzzi pool when

the rain started to pour. It chilled the air

enough to make the steaming water feel

rejuvenating. I laid back and watched the

surface of the pool next to me start to

chop roughly and splash to the sides.

Being under a covered area, I was not

too worried about being in the water, yet

my wrinkled fingers told me otherwise. I

returned to the darkened room to find

Shepard already passed out in bed, so I

slipped into the small shower to rinse

off.

After wrapping my hair into a

towel, I slid naked in between the cool

sheets next to him. For the first time, he

didn’t turn to snuggle against me.

Knowing he was asleep, the wheels in

my mind were spinning unnecessarily.

Small things like this made me realize

how insecure I really was. Shepard had

done nothing but show me complete

dedication for the past few months; there

was nothing to alert me otherwise.

I awoke to his face between my

legs, causing my body to writhe in

ecstasy. When I tried to move my feet,

they were bound by a slightly rough

rattan rope to a smooth wooden board

that prevented me from closing my

knees. Realizing I was awake, he

stopped and hovered above me smiling,

then backed away, leaving me panting

hard. He walked over to the table and

removed another thin board from the

gray bag that had rope looped around it.

His face remained placid as he

approached me.

“Put your hands to your sides; don’t

move them.”

Giving the command with an

authority I was unfamiliar with, I was

too turned on to question where this was

going and trusted him too much to refuse.

With one hand, he gently lifted my ankles

to rest on his shoulders while he bound

my arms underneath to the board. It

wasn’t uncomfortable, but if I were to

resist, the rope would surely dig and

leave deep burns.

“I am going to help you flip over.”

His hands gripped my hips as I

awkwardly flopped over to the side and

pulled my knees to my chest. I was in a

modified yoga resting pose.

“Can you grab the board? Use it for

stability if needed.”

My wrist had enough slack to twist

them slightly to hold the ends. The board

rested against the back of my thighs,

giving me balance. Although these

devices were primitive in nature, they

were clearly thought out. Images of what

they could be used for was quickly

overshadowed by the feeling of Shepard

plunging into me from behind, drawing