Distant Dreams (41 page)

Then she realized how unseemly her behavior was, intruding so thoughtlessly upon a man’s grief. She stopped and was about to turn back when the snapping of a twig beneath her foot rang out as loudly as a church bell in that silent heavy air. The man dropped his hands and startled Carolina by lifting his face and staring accusingly toward her. She halted, so shocked at the fierce black eyes that seemed to pierce through her that she nearly forgot how deserving she was of his ire. The lighting of a nearby streetlamp offered eerie illumination in which to make out his features, but in a way it only worsened the severity of the man.

Carolina felt herself tremble. He scowled for a moment; then suddenly a part of his face seemed to soften. When he turned silently away it was almost as if he was absolving her of the violation.

Scurrying back to where James still conversed with his uncle, Carolina couldn’t stop shaking. She pulled her shawl tight around her shoulders, but it did nothing to ward off the inner cold that the man’s expression had left her feeling.

“Carolina, you should have told me you’d taken a chill. Come along,” James said softly. He took hold of her arm, and for once she didn’t jerk away to be free of his touch. At this moment she longed for the warmth of another human being more than anything else, and long after they were seated in the church, Carolina was still chilled by the memory of the stranger.

“Carolina, I don’t believe I’ve held your attention at all this evening.” James handed her into the carriage and waited while she quietly took her seat. “I hope the supper was to your liking.”

Carolina nodded as James joined her in the carriage. The lamp had been turned up to allow them to see clearly, but James reached up to dim its glare. Carolina said nothing. Her emotions were raw, and her thoughts ran in all directions. The railroad impressed itself upon her as an indelible, and for once, unpleasant image. James was a constant reminder of those things a person might long for and desire but would forever find out of reach. And then the haunting memory of the cemetery mourner kept threading its way through her thoughts.

She looked intently at James for a moment, then lowered her eyes. A part of her wanted to speak her mind, to simply tell him how she felt and let him bear the burden instead of her. At least then he would share the load. Or would he? Perhaps he would be as insensitive to this as he had been to the canceled trip to the work camp. She twisted her hands in her lap, wishing she knew what to do. He said something and she only nodded absently in response.

“I don’t believe you even heard me, Carolina.”

She looked up with a quick shake of her head. “I’m sorry, no.”

James’ expression betrayed concern. “I’m quite worried about you. You’ve scarcely said two words this evening, and you took a considerable chill at the church. I’m afraid you may be ill.”

“That’s all you think, James?” she said harshly. “You have not a clue what is troubling me?”

“Yes, I suppose I do—”

She started to interrupt, but he held up his hand.

“You have every right to be angry over what happened today,” he went on quickly. “I know I was hasty in canceling the trip. If only I could make you understand that I didn’t do so lightly.”

“Well, it was hard to take,” she replied. Perhaps it was just as well he made no mention of her other anxieties.

“Who could know if we’d encounter more damage? I couldn’t bear the thought of—” He stopped and looked away.

Carolina could scarcely fathom what could be the cause of the depth of emotion that had so suddenly come over him. She tried to be more sensitive as she spoke. “I understand your concern, James. But anyone who boards a train knows there is an element of risk. Perhaps that is even part of its allure.”

He shook his head. “Carolina, you don’t know . . .”

“Please, James, I want to understand.”

He lifted his eyes to face her squarely. “Snakeheads cause derailments. Derailments just like the one that caused Phineas’s death.”

“Oh, James—”

“The last thing I want is to drag you into my personal battles.”

“Battles—?”

“Carolina, I’ve ridden on a train only once since the accident.” He blurted out the words in a rush, then turned away in apparent shame. “What a weak specimen you must think me now!”

She didn’t know why what she thought should matter, but it apparently did, and she was quick to allay his fear. “James, you suffered a terrible tragedy. Anyone would have—”

“Even someone whose passion was the railroad? And the irony is that it’s still my passion—at least it has become so again since you helped me face these things last Christmas.”

“I helped you?”

“You didn’t even realize it, really. But if it hadn’t been for you, I would still be trying to convince myself I hated railroad work. Nevertheless, though my love for the work returned, I still could not step on a train without quaking.”

“And yet you agreed to take me to the work camp?”

“I was in a position where I could hardly refuse without looking quite the fool.”

“I would not have thought you a fool.”

“No?”

She shook her head but could not speak, for his eyes searched hers with such hopefulness, such intensity. She’d never had a man look at her like that before. It made her feel weak and afraid and . . . ecstatic.

“Suddenly I feel so much better,” he said breathlessly. “To voice my deepest, darkest secret and to be reassured by someone I trust that I am not as unhinged as I thought.”

“I feel honored you trust me enough to confide in me.”

“Yes, I do. I haven’t even told this to—” He broke off, seemed to reconsider his words, then added rather lamely, “anyone.”

Carolina spoke her next words without thought. “Have you told Virginia?”

“Not even her.”

“Isn’t that the kind of thing you’d want to tell the person to whom you are engaged?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been engaged before. I only know it is something I’d tell a friend, as I consider you to be, Carolina.”

And Carolina knew then that
she
was the fool for thinking he would ever feel more toward her than friendship. Still, she pressed the issue as if she had lost all sensibility.

“I would hope the man I marry would also be my friend,” she said.

“Oh, sweet naive Carolina!” He lifted his hand and lightly touched her chin with his trembling fingers. Then his hand dropped quickly.

She opened her mouth to protest his words, then found herself saying something entirely different. “James, how do you know Virginia is the one you should marry?” Her throat went dry, and she held her breath. What a thing to ask! How could she have such cheek? Yet she did not retract her impulsive words. Instead she only wondered what he would say. What could he say? Would he declare his undying love? No, of course not. He’d already made clear how he felt.

James was clearly taken aback. “How do I know she’s the one? I suppose because when she asked, I agreed.” He then gasped and put his gloved hand to his mouth. “I pray you will forget I said that.”

“Why did you say that?”

James dropped his hands. He looked at her for a moment and then turned the lamp down once again, as if the lower light would hide some secret shame. “Carolina, as I said before, I look upon you as a trusted friend. I pray that trust is not misplaced.”

“I assure you it isn’t.”

“Very well. Your sister did ask me first, although I in turn asked her to marry me. I didn’t want it said that she had to pursue me in order to become engaged.”

“That was most considerate of you,” she replied evenly. “I suppose her reputation already leads people to conclude that she is somewhat desperate.”

James nodded. “It would be unkind to force her to endure that shame. Besides, she wasn’t quite herself. The party and all, you understand, don’t you?”

Carolina sighed. “I understand a great many things people give me no credit for. It matters little what I understand.” She knew she sounded bitter, but as James had said so eloquently, they were friends. Just friends.

They rode on without speaking for several moments. The clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the brick streets and the steady falling of rain upon the roof of the carriage lulled them into a temporary peace.

A part of Carolina wished to take back her words, while another part wanted a more personal answer. Why did Virginia meet his needs, when she did not? Why her sister, when she didn’t share any of his interests? He had revealed things to her tonight he had never told Virginia, yet still it was Virginia he chose to marry. How could he look at her, Carolina, the way he sometimes did and still give his life to Virginia? She could not understand except to assume she was seriously misguided.

“You must be considering some very weighty subjects,” he said after several minutes of silence. “I’ve only seen that look on your face during mathematics tests.”

Carolina chuckled, trying to push away her growing melancholy. “I am considering calculations but not numerical ones. I suppose,” she said sobering again, “I am a bit perplexed.” She made the choice. She would ask him to explain why Virginia’s beauty had won out over her ability to think and share in the dreams and ambitions of the railroad. She simply had to know.

“Perplexed? About what?”

“May I ask you a question?”

“Of course. You’ve been asking me questions for most of our relationship. Why stop now?” he teased.

“No, I’m serious,” she said softly.

James sobered. “Yes, I can see that. Ask your question.”

Carolina bit at her lip, then drew a deep breath. “Why are you marrying Virginia?”

It was James’ turn to appear nervous and shaken. He pulled out a handkerchief and mopped his brow. Until that moment Carolina hadn’t noticed him perspiring and wondered if her question had made him uncomfortable.

“You believe me unworthy of your sister? Is that it?” He replaced the cloth. “Don’t you think it possible that I could love her?”

“I just want to know what it is about one woman that appeals to a man over another.”

“This is rather an intimate topic for a man and woman such as ourselves to be discussing.”

“James, you said it yourself. We are friends and you are my teacher. If I can’t turn to you, who can I turn to?”

“I could be marrying into your family for your fortune.”

“Be serious, James. Can’t you give me a forthright answer? I simply wondered why you would choose my sister after all these years and with many other women available in Washington society.”

James appeared to relax a bit. “My father said it was time to choose a wife. My mother provided me a list of suitable brides-to-be, and your sister’s name was among those listed.”

“I see.”

“Your name was on that list as well,” James added. “As were most of the available women in the city. Mother’s welcome-home party for me was her way of throwing me together with the eligible young ladies of society. And, so as not to appear too eager, she included many of my childhood friends. Virginia’s attributes simply outweighed the rest.”

“What attributes?”

“This is getting rather embarrassing.” He smiled weakly and loosened his collar a bit.

“Then I’ll say no more.”

After another brief silence, he asked, “Am I now entitled to ask a personal question of you?”

She swallowed. “Well, I . . . why, yes, of course.”

“Why have you ignored me since the night of your coming-out party?”

Carolina shifted and looked out the window. Would this ride never end?

“You can’t pretend I’ll go away. I’ll tell the driver to take the long way back if necessary, but I think I deserve an answer. After all, I’ve answered all your questions. You have been avoiding me for weeks.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Oh, but it is, and you know it well.” He fixed his gaze on her and refused to dismiss the matter. “Something happened between us the night of your party, and I think it is time we talked about it. I haven’t much liked the feel of your cold shoulder. I thought perhaps it was your own embarrassment over the fight, but there’s something more. Is it because I had to cease my tutoring?”

Carolina’s breath quickened and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She bit her lower lip again, as if it might keep the words from being pulled out from the depths of her soul.

“Tell me, Carolina. Tell me now what it is that causes this distance between us.”

“No,” she whispered, but it came out a whimper. “There’s nothing.”

“You, my dear, are a poor liar.” His words were stated flatly, without emotion. Leaning forward, he narrowed the distance between them. “Tell me.”

“You . . .” She gasped for breath that seemed not to come.

“I what?”

His words were so low and husky. His eyes, so compelling in the dim carriage light. Carolina fought for control but knew she was losing the battle. She would tell him once and for all that she loved him.

He took her hand between his and held it fast. “What grievous sin did I commit that I could not help?”

Neither one noticed the carriage had come to a stop until the door was opened by the footman. Carolina quickly pulled back her hand.

James waved the footman away, then turned a hard serious look on Carolina. “You can’t leave until you tell me what I did. Is it because I behaved inappropriately the night of your party?”

“My party . . . ?” What was he saying? Perhaps it had not been entirely her imagination.

“That night was so confusing. I never meant to insult you. I only . . .” His words trailed away unfinished. In his eyes appeared again that look that left Carolina both afraid and elated.

“What are you saying, James?”

His inner struggle was clearly evident in his expression as he answered. “The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. Yet it seems I have. But how, Carolina?”

She knew it was foolhardy and a great risk. She knew it would probably only deepen his confusion and perhaps even cause him to despise her. But her next words tumbled from her lips like a compulsion before good sense could stop them.

“You asked my sister to marry you—” She lunged for the carriage door.