Discern (11 page)

“Really?” His brow furrowed.

“Yeah, my delusional thoughts didn’t start until you pulled me up from the floor last night at the bookstore.”

“I guess I have that affect on people.”

“You definitely have something,” I blushed.

He carefully unfolded the corners of the blanket. “Do you mind if I have a seat beside you?” he asked politely.

The thought of him being close thrilled me to no end. “Sure,” I smiled.

“How’s the book going?”

“Actually it isn’t as atrocious as I had believed.”

“Adultery is not so upsetting anymore?” he asked, concentrating on my face.

“No, but I can understand her reason for it. Not that I would ever cheat, but she chose a life that was safe rather than fulfilling,” I said, slowly understanding my own choices.

“So which do you desire?”

“Depends on which day it is,” I laughed.

“And today?”

His presence definitely influenced my response. “Fulfilling,” I said, softly extending my hand toward his.

A smile stretched across his face. “What would be fulfilling to you?” he asked—his eyes searched my face.

My head and heart had conflicting issues with my response. My heart said fulfilling as I watched Andrew’s eyes sparkle, but my head said safe as my hand retreated ever so slightly. He noticed. “A life without constant worry of a broken heart,” I sighed.

“I believe everyone desires that.”

“I’m not foolish. I realize love has no guarantees, but I looked past every other option that would’ve definitely been healthier for me and never once wavered in my love for my ex. But I still failed.” I closed my eyes.

My breathing intensified with the warm, electrical touch of his hand. My eyes opened, and I could not deny the change in the color of his eyes. They were slightly more golden than green, but nevertheless, they still sparkled.

“You didn’t fail—he failed you. And remember as much as you believed your heart was available then, it wasn’t; it was already broken,” he reminded softly.

“I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record,” I said. “But I’m feeling more torn than I ever have—,” I stopped, fearing I had revealed too much.

“What do you feel torn about?” he asked, seeming to peer in to my inner soul with his deep, penetrating gaze.

“A part of me yearns to break down the wall that I’ve built, but the other, more rational, part insists it stay.”

“Which part is stronger?”

“Depends on the day again,” I chuckled.

“And today?”

“I can feel the wall slowly crumbling,” I admitted nervously, as I looked off at the towering mountainside.

“And if someone could give you a guarantee of their heart, but maybe not life’s events, would this suit you?” He asked with a serious tone.

“Depends on the events,” I responded, intrigued.

“Nothing adulterous,” he grinned. “But maybe things wouldn’t go planned accordingly to mortal, I-I mean your traditions,” he explained, stuttering slightly.

“What traditions?”

“Tradition was the wrong word. The ideal life,” he corrected.

“Like children and marriage?”

“No, just the idea of having certain expectations,” he explained uneasily.

“Sure,” I smiled. “Everything in life is unexpected, so to believe that change is inescapable is unreasonable.”

“So you would agree to that?” he asked, slightly tilting his head toward me.

“If someone I loved could guarantee their heart to me, then yes, I would abandon all expectations.”

“You are a rare soul,” he breathed, his eyes a beautiful, amber color.

“Are you for real?” I asked amazed.

“What do you mean?” he asked stunned.

“Your insight is impressive and, well, you don’t seem like the kind of guy to sit around listening to some girl’s problems.” I nervously bit my lower lip.

“Oh please don’t misunderstand, I don’t sit around listening to just anyone’s problems,” he smiled. “But I don’t mind listening to yours.”

My heart fluttered with his confession. It felt too soon to feel this alive again, but there was no denying this sudden attraction to him. This feeling was exhilarating.

A subject change was desperately required, before I acted on these sudden, unfounded urges. “What brings you out to the park today?”

“Decided to take a walk and enjoy this fine weather we’re having. I don’t know much about
Boulder
, as no one has taken me for a tour yet,” he grinned widely. “But it’s a mountain town, so I assume winter is right around the corner,” he continued to grin.

“Winter will be here soon enough.”

“I take it winter isn’t your favorite time of year.” He detected the hint of sadness in my voice.

It was my least favorite time of year now. The holidays only brought back memories of my mother and with her absence they hadn’t been the same. “No, it isn’t, but I hope this year will be different,” I smiled, resisting the urge to descend back into a depression. “And I would be honored to show you around town sometime,” I offered.

“No, I believe the honor would be all mine.”

“You won’t get in any trouble?”

“By whom?”

“The university.”

“Oh, no.” He shook his head. “Teaching is just a distraction for me.”

“Distraction from what?”

“From life until I find my true calling.” His voice lowered.

“What is it that you desire to be?”

“Happy,” he smiled. “Just like everyone else.”

I could relate. Happiness was something I was in search of also.

“Are you busy Friday night?” I asked anxiously, wondering if I was ready for this step.

“Actually, I am,” he frowned. “There’s an upcoming event at the local country club that I have to attend according to the school dean.”

“Oh, no!” I exclaimed.

“What?!” He flinched.

“I completely forgot about it. I’m supposed to go with my father that evening, and I haven’t even gotten a dress yet.”

The only formal wear shop in town was closed today, so I would just have to wait until tomorrow before I panicked. My father should have reminded me, but he was in his own world.

“Where’s your mind been?” he winked.

“Not where it should’ve been,” I blushed.

“I’m not busy afterward,” he mentioned nervously.

I wasn’t sure when the event would end, and I didn’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable, late night situation. “I don’t know what my father has planned afterward, but what about Wednesday evening, do you have class then?” I asked, desiring to see him again.

“No, I don’t. Do you?”

“Yes, but I already took a similar course last semester, so it’s really easy.”

“Then Wednesday night it is,” he smiled widely. “What would you like to do?”

“I could take you for a tour around town, but I’d much rather just sit and talk,” I suggested.

“I’d prefer that, too. We have plenty of time to tour the city after we get to know one another,” he assured.

His finger lightly touched the back of my hand sending sparks from my fingers down to my toes. The amber color returned to his eyes. I wondered if he realized how enchanting he was, because any man this attractive usually was very cocky and conceited. Andrew was confident, never brash.

“Will I see you tomorrow night?” I asked, gazing up at the darkening sky.

“Of course, there’s a quiz on Ares this week.”

My face dropped. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“Do you have the notes?”

“Yes, I have them, but I’ve been a little distracted for the past few days.”

“Me, too,” he smiled. “Maybe we can wait a week to take that quiz.”

“Oh no, don’t forgo your teaching plans based on my forgetfulness,” I insisted.

“Truthfully, I haven’t even printed them out, so it isn’t a big deal, and I’m sure the class will be thankful for my distractions this weekend,” he winked.

“One less thing I have to do tonight,” I said, waving my book around.

“Oh yes, did you finish it?”

“No, my mind kept wandering, so I have about twenty pages or so to go, but I can get it done tonight.”

“We should probably go,” he suggested as he looked up at the twilight sky.

Leaving his side was disheartening, but he was right, it was time to leave. I had several pages to read and a five-page report to write.

We walked beside one another back down the mile and half trail. A light mist filled the air as we approached my car. I was suddenly relieved by our departure, as my wet hair would have been disastrous.

“Where’s your car?”

“I parked in the other lot,” he said, pointing to the opposite side of the trail.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No, I’ll be fine, walking is healthy,” he smiled.

“Are you sure, it’s a long distance from here?” I asked, hoping to be near him a little while longer.

“No, I’m totally fine.”

“Okay,” I said, disappointed.

“See you tomorrow,” he smiled and turned away.

“Goodbye,” I sighed.

He disappeared into the darkness as I sped away.

6

Almost

The next morning I tried everything to occupy my mind, refraining from counting down the hours until I saw Andrew again. It was absolutely absurd to be feeling so giddy about seeing him again, but I had grown attached in just a few short days. Everything seemed so clear at the bookstore, as if when we touched, something was ignited within me. The strange flickering of the lights had stopped since that day, too.

After a long afternoon of cleaning every corner of the house, which was not an easy task because of the sheer size of it, I quickly remembered the social event on Friday night. My initial thought was to intentionally ignore it, but this would only disappoint my father greatly. Even though his lying irritated me, Andrew’s wisdom was reassuring. My father was only behaving this way for my sake.

I jumped in the car, hoping there was still time to get a dress. Sighing heavily as I pulled up in front of Robe’ de Soiree’s, I reminded myself this was nothing more than an attempt to find the perfect gown for Friday night.

As I entered the formal wear shop, I immediately regretted this shopping trip. My father’s alleged lover owned the place—I should have driven to
Denver
where no one knew me and vice versa.

There was no sign of her as I slipped past the main counter without being noticed. I rifled through several racks of hideous dresses with no luck. My trip to
Denver
looked inevitable. A pale, gold strapless gown that was displayed on the wall caught my attention. I rushed over to have a closer look. It was absolutely gorgeous.

“Would you like to try that on, Miss Helms?” a soft, feminine voice asked.

I inhaled deeply as I turned to face the woman. “Ms. Cardwell, how are you this afternoon?” I asked politely.

“Very well, my dear, and how are you?”

“I’m doing well. But I’m in quite a pickle,” I smiled uneasily.

“What seems to be the problem, dear?”

“I need a dress for Friday night. The event sort of crept up on me.”

“Oh, yes, you are Jack’s date.”

“Yes, I am.”

 
She addressed my father so casually. Everyone addressed him as Mr. Helms, never Jack. I could detect an ever so slight hint of envy in her tone. Ryan’s words stung as I stood face to face with the woman whom my father planned to replace my mother with.

I contemplated asking her outright. My father loathed sharing any of the details, so maybe she would speak of their rumored relationship.

Her voice interrupted my thoughts. “Would you like to try the gold one on?” she asked, pointing to the dress on the wall.

“Yes, I’d love to,” I replied, avoiding all eye contact.

“What size are you, my dear? A four?” she asked, eyeing me over.

“Actually I’m a six,” I responded. She quickly disappeared to the back of the store. I would be a size four if it weren’t for the curse of a larger bust. The waist would surely have to be taken in. I hoped there was enough time for the alteration.

She came from the back holding a dress, waving her hand in the air, motioning for me to follow. My eyes followed her, but my feet were reluctant to move. We would soon be alone in a small dressing room, and I was afraid that I would inadvertently stick my foot in my mouth. I rounded the corner, watching her open the door to one of the rooms. I slipped inside, still avoiding any eye contact.

“I’ll leave you to undress. Let me know if you need my help, dear,” she offered, politely, which upset me further, because she was a genuinely nice lady.

I smiled courteously and locked the door. My anger wasn’t with her; it was with my father.