Dirty Little Freaks (21 page)

He is softer than I remember; he’s using his inside voice I guess, the one he wears for polite society. I close my eyes and listen, I don’t really pay much attention to the words, I just drink in the deep vibration of his velvety voice. I think of the nasty things he’s said to me, and the words of love that made him flee. I am horny and want to cry; it’s a really fucking awful way to be. Crying and oozing.

I open my eyes and see him pointing to an image displayed behind him. It’s of the band; there he is with his gorgeous green hair and cocky stance. The classroom titters their reaction to his appearance. I wonder if the band knew he was studying them; how did it make them feel?

I also wonder if they signed consent. We just learned about the ethics committee last week in order to assist us writing our sociology term papers. We have to work within the framework of the college’s ethics committee, and I’m sure one of the requirements was that the test subjects know they are part of a field study. I’m sure UBC has something similar.

Class wraps up and I manage not to shit myself or puke...or both. People funnel out the doors at the back and I pack my things, ready to go. I want to wait until Hush has gone so I won’t run into him by accident. I curse my stunned inability to move, or else I would have bolted the moment the class was finished and risked him noticing me as I left.

I lean down and pretend to stuff something in my backpack until everyone is gone. I sit up, certain I’ve made a clean break by essentially hiding like a fucking coward. I grab my backpack, stand up and come face to face with him. He’s a couple of steps below me, so we are directly in eye contact with one another. He smiles, but doesn’t see me...until he
sees
me.

Recognition hits his gorgeous eyes like a bolt of lightening. He drops his briefcase...fuck, I thought I looked like a dork for carrying a backpack but Hush is packing a fucking briefcase. He opens his mouth, that kissable, suckable mouth, and closes it again. I’m surprised when he opens his arms and a smile cracks his face and he says, “Jade! Holy shit, babe! I’ve been dying to call you!”

I wasn’t expecting this. I thought I’d hear some long litany of excuses, shit he makes up on the spot to explain his absence.

I’m angry though, fucking pissed. So now I’m horny, sad and angry, so stay the fuck out of my way. I sling my backpack over my shoulder as haughtily as possible and say, “Hey
Nick
, whatever your name is...it’s a little late for that, that ship sailed weeks ago.” I step out in front of him and turn to leave.

He reaches out and wraps his hand around my wrist, yeah, that wrist, one of my many horny weak spots. I might as well declare my entire body a horny weak spot when it comes to Hush, or Nicholas, what the fuck ever he calls himself these days. “I’m still Hush, you can call me Hush. Hush is my middle name, but I’ve never liked Nicolas, that’s my father’s name. Don’t say the ship has sailed, I need to talk to you,” he pleads, his eyes betraying his urgency.

“Fuck off,” I spit and take a step up. He still has my wrist though, and I can’t go anywhere. “Get your hands off me,” I say and try to pull away.

“Are you sure you want that? You don’t feel like you’re pulling too hard,” he says, one eyebrow raised. He knows me though; of course I don’t really want to go. I want him to push me down and fuck me right here. “I know I’ve been a bastard, but there’s an explanation. I can tell you everything over lunch. Please? I need to see you.”

I soften. I can’t believe it, but I do. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and make everything good between us. Part of me still wants to kick him to death and dance on his corpse, but a huge part of me is melting. Ok, yeah, it’s my pussy. My pussy wants him to make it right and slip inside of me.

“I can’t think of anything you could tell me that would change my mind,” I challenge him. I need him to tell me something. I want him to talk me back into his bed.

“Give me a chance, give me a little time and you’ll understand everything.”

I can’t turn him down. It’s apparently fucking physically impossible for me to tell him no. So I nod my agreement, unable to speak, and we leave the classroom together, heading to his office to drop some items off along the way.

His space is tucked away past the research library. It’s more of a hole in the wall with two desks tightly packed inside, and floor to ceiling bookshelves packed haphazardly with textbooks and files of all shapes and sizes.

“Hang on, I want to leave this here, then we can go have a talk,” he tells me and pops inside. “I’m doing my degree through the University of BC, but I still keep my little corner of the college.” He looks embarrassed and adds, “My father’s the dean of Anthropology here, so I always come back.”

“Yeah, sure, take your time,” I reply, doing my best impression of a girl playing it cool. I think I’m failing, the butterflies in my stomach say I’m failing. I don’t mention his father, but that’s a little intimidating, my dirty, coked-up sex God is the dean’s son. Mind fuck, extraordinaire.

He drops his things on his desk, I’m in the doorway waiting for him to finish reading a note that was left for him when he pauses, drops it, and turns. His gorgeous eyes are intense, and I am made aware of how little space there is between our bodies at this moment. He takes one step and is beside me, his face is sad, his mouth is slightly downturned and his brows are furrowed. It’s his eyes that get me though, he reflects what I’m feeling, all of the same stupid horny, sorrowful, expectant desires are there in his blue-green depths.

“Hush,” I start to say, my voice thick with emotion, but he cuts me off with a kiss. It’s the softest he’s ever been with me, tentative, as if questioning my response. I kiss him back. I nip his bottom lip and hold my hands on his forearms. He counters with a nip of his own, he takes my lower lip in his teeth and runs his tongue along it, sending shivers up my spine.

I want him desperately, I can feel the months of anger and thick walls crumbling, I want to curl up in his arms and sob with relief.

But I can’t. He left me without an answer; he abandoned me to nothingness after deconstructing years of walls and retreat. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for this. Now my body betrays me, I can’t stop touching him, feeling him, wanting him. As if against my will, I press my body against his, feel his rock hard abs, run my hands along his arms to his bulging biceps. I sigh against his tongue, his breath becomes mine and I forget where I end and he begins. It’s all so perfect, too perfect, and I’m Jade Daniels...there is no perfect in my world.

“Fencepost,” I say softly, but it’s lost in the quiet sucking sounds our lips and tongues are making. I say it louder; it vibrates against my tongue and wakes me up a bit. I manage to break away from his kiss and look him in the eye. His are full of question. “Fencepost,” I tell him, “I said fencepost, motherfucker! I can’t do this Hush. I can’t just let you slide back into my life, my heart. You fucking left me.”

“So after all the things I’ve done to your body, the ass fucking, stage sex, choking you on my cock...this is the time you choose to use our safe word?” he asks, bemused. He sees my pained look and changes his tone. “Listen, I’m sorry Jade, I was a piece of shit. I know I don’t deserve you, but now I want to make it right.”

“How can you make it right? You broke my fucking heart!” I yell, my voice echoes in the quiet hallway and I’m embarrassed by my loud protest. This is my world now, and he doesn't belong here.

“Babe, please,” he says and takes my hands in his. His eyes are filled with sadness and I almost cave again. “Give me a chance, give us a chance. I need to make it up to you, and I will never walk out on you again. Ever.”

“We’re done, Hush,” I reply, my voice determined, “you made sure of that when you snuck away like a fucking coward. I got over you months ago, so kindly fuck off now.”

“You don’t mean that,” he smiles and I want to smash my fist into his perfect, white teeth. I’m overcome with the urge to slap that smug look off his face...as much as I feel the urge to melt against his body and just let go, let him back in.

“I do mean it,” I say through gritted teeth, “besides, you’re too late. I’m seeing somebody. We’re good together. He’s good for me.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince with my statement.

“Who is it?” he demands, his eyes dark with anger. I’m flattered at the speed his jealousy rears its head. “Is it Rev?” his hands tighten around my arms.

“None of your fucking business,” I say and try to pull away. He’s got me in a vice grip though, and I end up against the open door of the office. I peek out but the hallway is deserted. I’m thankful that nobody is witness to this pathetic display of human emotion.

“Who is it?” he asks again and leans over me, looking into my eyes, searching. “It is Rev! I saw him in your store one night, kissing you. You probably couldn’t wait to get him back inside of you. Did your cunt cool off before you gave him a call?”

“How fucking dare you,” I spit angrily, “fuck you! I was so lonely without you. I could barely get up and make it to work. How dare you fucking lurk and watch me from the shadows like a fucking creeper! You don’t know what I was going through, and after Eva left-”

“What do you mean Eva left? Where did she go?” he interrupts me.

“She’s in Ireland, which you would know if you gave a shit. But guess what? Rev has been there for me. Whatever you say, he’s been incredible,” I tell him, hoping to twist the knife a little.

He calms immediately, his grip loosens but I don’t pull away. “I’m so sorry, babe, I should have never left you,” he says and pulls me towards him again. I resist, but not much, I want to lean into him and close my eyes. I can’t though, I need to reach down and find the anger that fuelled me through the lonely days without him. I don’t fall against him; I hold my ground.

“Thanks,” I say, “too little, too late though. I’m fine now, I’ve got school and I’ve got Rev. Life’s pretty damn good, thank you very much.”

He grabs my arms again, and steps closer. He’s almost pressed against me now, his eyes flash with anger and he growls, “Stop saying you’re with Rev, you don’t have him, you have me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Where have you been?” I cry out. I hate fighting him, but I can’t let him walk back into my life and walk all over me again. I feel safe with Rev. With Hush I feel like I’m the verge of losing control, and I don’t know if I can handle so much emotion.

“I’m here now, I’ll never leave again, you have to trust me,” he says. “Rev can’t give you what I can, he doesn’t love you like I do, and you know,” he continues, running his finger along my collarbone, sending a shiver down my spine, “he can’t fuck you like I do.”

I freeze. I’m utterly torn down the middle. I want him so much it hurts, my pussy aches with this deep need and my heart yearns to open up and spill its contents for him. But this cynical part of me tells me to run, if he left me again, I wouldn’t recover, I couldn’t take another blow to the heart like that. He makes the decision for me, before I’m able to reply...he leans in and kisses me again. This is more like how my Hush kisses, the ones I’m used to, the ones that leave me no wiggle room, the kiss that lets me know he’s claiming me as his. I melt again, my anger dissipates and I’m a lovesick girl, silently begging him to heal me and pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. I think he could heal me, I think we could be perfect together and I think we could make it work, but there’s that damned stubborn part of me that won’t be silent.

I push at him, my hands on his chest, but he doesn’t move, he keeps kissing me, I keep kissing him. My hands try to shove him, but he takes both my wrists in one of his huge hands, I can feel his rough finger, he must still be playing bass somewhere. I feel it and think of it on my clit, playing me until I’m soaking wet and crying his name. I push at him as much as I can with my hands pinned, I can feel tears coming to my eyes, I want to love this man so bad but I am so scared.

He stops, notices my tears and whispers my name. I look up at him and he says, “I never wanted to hurt you, I never knew you loved me that hard,” in a soft voice. “I’m sorry.”

“I want to believe you,” I tell him, “I really do...but I don’t know if I can, if I ever will.”

“How can I win you back? What do I have to do to prove my love for you?”

“If you have to ask, then I don’t know if you can ever prove it to me,” I say sadly. “I need to go, please let me go.”

He looks determined, “I’ll let you go now, but you will be mine again, Jade, this I know as surely as I’m standing here, as surely as my heart beats and my cock hardens every time I see you. We are one person now, you know this, you just have to remember.”

“I want to remember,” I reply, my stupid tears sliding down my cheeks. “I can’t do this here, though.”

As if waking up from a dream, we realize where we are. A couple of students are walking down the hallway towards us, their loud laughter echoing along the walls. We’ve been lucky to be alone for these few minutes, but our luck just ran out.

“Come with me for lunch. I can’t let you go now that I have you again,” he says and takes my hand. We leave his office; he shuts the door and looks at me.

Resisting the urge to slide into this shared delusion, I give my fucking head a shake and tell him no. I hear him call my name as I book it out of there, away from him. I pause at the corner, just out of sight and hear him swearing as he fumbles with the keys to lock his office door. My heart is pounding, but now that I’ve decided to run, I do it well. I don’t stop moving again until I’m safely back in my apartment, tucked under my covers sobbing like I’ve lost everything. Again.